To ask what wedding guests actually find important?

[Scarfmisuseissues]

Might regret this knowing how anti-wedding MN can be but here goes! Am in early stages of wedding planning and want to focus our budget on things that will actually make our guests day more enjoyable, as we recognise there's a significant cost/effort involved in attending to celebrate with us.

As a wedding guest, what details/gestures etc are actually important to you, and what could you not give a crap about?

For example, MIL was horrified at my suggestion we ditch favours,-: I'm never that bothered about them, but she thinks people will find it rude.

Also, are you offended when receiving an evening only invite or is it fine? We want to keep numbers at the ceremony smaller as DP is quite shy.

We won't be able to stretch to a free bar all day/night, so that's a no no.

Thank you for participating in my research.

I'm very low maintenance and I have experienced ALL of the below (positive and negative)

• Food/drink - can be a buffet - don't care if it's a pay bar
• Some form of entertainment (can be a DJ or just a Spotify playlist/CD!) but not earsplittingly loud
• Seats, tables really help - eating a paper plate standing up is no fun at all
• Somewhere accessible with somewhere to stay nearby if it's in a rural area

What I don't want

• ridiculous dress codes
• inaccessible locations and/or only hotels rooms available for big money
• "Contributions" solicited to the catering - seriously ?
• Wedding lists with the cheapest item being over £250
• Complex, overwrought seating plans - I am happy to sit with strangers but people put WAY too much effort into what is effectively a couple of hours' time
• massive gaps between the service/wedding, photography and the evening do, particularly if you are in the middle of nowhere

I am not particularly bothered about evening only invites, but if the wedding is in Inverness (I live in SE England) and is evening only, it does lessen the chance of me actually attending. I did go to an "evening only" do in Stamford once, but that was because I wanted to go there anyway, and the wedding was a bonus.

If you are inviting children, preparing something for them specifically, while not necessary at all, is a really lovely gesture. We went to a wedding last year (my children were 7 & 9 at the time) and the children all had a shoebox sized box in their place at the meal with things for them to do and play with. Mine absolutely loved it - they were the oldest children there so they had a quiz to fill in, going round asking different tables for information about themselves (the specific people were friends of the bride and had volunteered to be part of the quiz), finding things and solving little puzzles. They also had colouring, a few simple little toys and two cheap cameras to take photos for the bride and groom. It was really lovely and very thoughtful. The handful of 3 year olds also had age-appropriate boxes, and really enjoyed them. I know one wedding we went to when our eldest was 2, the bride gave out little bags of activities to the tiny children just before the speeches to entertain them so their parents could listen to the speeches which was great. Other than that, I don't care about favours or a free bar but I do want places to sit as well as outdoor spaces to get away from the noise and hustle for a few moments, and enough food at different times. Just getting an evening invite doesn't offend me at all, but I would be less likely to go just for the evening if it involves travel / staying away than if I was invited to the whole thing. I love weddings!

Definitely plenty of seats for people whilst they are waiting between the ceremony and wedding breakfast. We did have an open bar between the ceremony and wedding breakfast and a cash bar in the evening as my dad offered us an open bar as a wedding present. Our guests managed to drink £2000 of alcohol in 90 minutes but our guests were hardened drinkers and nobody was drunk at that point. A cash bar all day is normal though. Canapés are a must and we had a magician at the drinks reception which our guests loved.

Drink on the table during the meal and something for the toasts. As others have said unless your wedding favours are edible or drinkable they may get left. We gave our guests flavoured Edinburgh Gins and Tablet (Tablet is a bit like fudge but crumblier and sweeter). Speeches after people have been fed.

A DJ who will take requests and whose music is not ear bleeding loud so people can talk and an evening buffet.

How unconventional do you want to be @Scarfmisuseissues ?
My dream wedding, as a guest:

Duration a few hours, say 11-3 or 3-7 or 7-11, max.
Only guests who are actually important to the couple.
Vows that actually seem to mean something.
Ceremony > Circulate & chat with food, drink & photos > activity/dancing/games for kids.
Toilets, comfy seating, weather-protected space available.
That's it!

No receiving lines, hanging around, present tables, sit-down meal, speeches, favours, cake-cutting ceremony, excess food or drink, badly-behaved guests, bitchiness or hypocrisy. Basically strip out all the usual wedding twattery.

You'll be unsurprised to hear that I rarely attend weddings 🤣

I agree with RockyReef on age appropriate entertaining wedding favours for child guests too.

A drink for the toast and one or two bottles of wine on the table.
Including children (colouring books and activities to keep them quiet)
Favours are a waste of time, learned this from my own wedding.
Don't mind just being invited to the evening but again a drink or 2 and a good crack is the main thing.

Food and transport between venues, been to 2 weddings where ceremony and reception were miles apart and no transport provided which I found really rude considering most guests had travelled far for wedding. Couldn’t give a shit about favours!

Good food, lots of it and at a reasonable time. Warmth!
Drinks to cater for those that drink and those that don't. Not over priced either if you're not doing a paid bar.
Don't disappear for hours on end to have photographs done, if you do make sure your guests have plenty of food, drink and comfy seating whilst they wait for you.
If you have music/a disco either not too loud or have a quiet area available for those that want to chat.
If you're not having children at the wedding, be honest as to why (cost/don't want them interrupting etc), don't send a twee poem about giving parents the opportunity to let their hair down.
Same for gift list/cash donations - skip the twee poem.
We got married at 4pm so didn't have a two tier reception, worked well for us.
We did favours, but they were jelly beans rather than almonds and all the guests loved them (youngest allowed to have was 18 months, oldest was 93!). It's up to you though, there are lots of options available these days and if you don't want to do them, don't!
Don't send people a save the date card if you're not going to invite them after all.
Otherwise, it's your wedding no one else's so have it how you want it; if your DFiance wants a small wedding, do it and don't let either set of parents start dictating the guest list. My DH hates dancing - we skipped having a dancefloor and a DJ, just had some sound equipment set up (friends in the industry) and played music we liked in the background, no one missed the dance floor in the slightest! My Dad was quite relieved he didn't have to do the dancing thing either😂

Lots of great suggestions here. As for me, as a guest I wouldn't bother going to evening do only. It's the ceremony that gives a wedding its meaning, and is the most important part of the day. It's also free to have guests come over to the ceremony, so I never understood why the ceremony is often for selected guests only. It doesn't cost the couple anything and makes the day so much more special for the guests. Evening do is literally just a party.

Probably old fashioned but weddings are about joining two families. So at least one group photo with both sets of parents, grandparents and siblings. Obviously making sure they get to know each other beforehand, especially if the groom‘s parents are prepared to contribute to the cost of the wedding 😄

My top tips:
Start later in the afternoon like 4pm
No hanging around or inconvenience - one venue is the easiest
Only invite the people you really want to be there - mimimize randoms and people you are only inviting out of obligation
Cash bar is no issue - but provide drinks after the ceremony, with the meal and bubbles for the speeches
Atmosphere - have people there who are fun and who genuinely care about the couple
Keep the speeches short and sweet - my sister's wedding had a crazy number of speeches (about 5 best men) and it went on and on!
Have someone in charge of time-keeping so everything happens on schedule to avoid too much hanging around waiting
If the bride and groom are having fun, hopefully everyone else also will

Nailed it in the first post.

@Mary54 if you are old fashioned about weddings why would you expect groom’s parents to contribute

Condense it. Ceremony late afternoon, free drink/s and canapes whilst guests mingle and you have photos. Dinner with wine on tables and then paid bar and dancing. Finish no later than midnight. One of my least fave weddings was early afternoon and all at a rural location. It went on for ages..... and I was fed up and wanted to leave by 8pm but couldn't afford the extortionate taxi fare and had to wait on the 1am bus back!

toomuchlaundry

didn’t say I expected, said if they did.

personally find it awkward for everyone if the parents are obviously meeting for the first time. Also think if the groom’s parents do decide to help, the parents obviously need to get together to work out the budget/who pays for what.

@Mary54

Probably old fashioned but weddings are about joining two families. So at least one group photo with both sets of parents, grandparents and siblings. Obviously making sure they get to know each other beforehand, especially if the groom‘s parents are prepared to contribute to the cost of the wedding 😄

That one might be a little tricky as both my parents are dead. It's one of the reasons I'm thinking of having more casual photos. Looking at lots of staged photos but not being able to have them included will be hard.

Good quality, filling food happy for it to be basic roast dinner pub style meals etc. Nice wine/prosecco maybe a glass of beer as an alternative option? Then access to a bar for after the ceremony onwards doesn't have to be free.

Favours or any trivial 'fun things' such as photo booths are a waste in my opinion. I'd be happy to be an evening guest if thats what someone wanted however I wouldn't be travelling miles and booking hotels etc to be one. I think thats probably just a mutual understanding of the relationship though. If they're not close enough to invite all day your probably not close enough to pay a high expense in travel and accommodation.

Expect- Food for wedding breakfast but have no expectation of bacon sandwiches etc late on (even though it’s quite nice).Cash bar fine. Have no expectations of anything else except hopefully a good time.

Dislike receiving lines and being expected to hand over cash for gifts or anything like catering (is that actually a thing?).Also, if you’re being careful on budget, ditch the favours as many get left behind, definitely don’t offer fizz for toast as people happy to continue with wine at that stage (and lots goes down drain) and don’t offer cake out like a kids party. We substituted a cake for a cheese stack which looked like a cake and was covered in seasonal flowers. Used it as a cheese course after or instead of desert and it way cheaper than a wedding cake. Oh and don’t ask people to an evening do more than 25miles away as it’s rude I think. We received an invitation a few years ago telling us we couldn’t book a room at venue and had to liaise with brides mum on accommodation. We received gift list and an evening invite. Needless to say we didn’t go and we didn’t send a gift……

oh and watch the high maintenance bands! A few demand food as well as their hefty fee. Just cos food is involved doesn’t mean they’re entitled to it. If they make that sort of demand I’d give them a (end of date) supermarket sandwich on a pretty plate with a smile 😀

The one thing most of our guests talked about for years as they loved was the band. Depends on your likes but we are all music fans and they were a great cover band with some original material. It cost us a bit but was the one thing I really wanted and totally made our (and our guests) day. That, enough food and a space for guests to actually have a conversation. Also lots of people love our sweetie cart

It’s nice to see on here that there are some guests who will just go with the flow at weddings, who want to be there and we’re pleased to be invited and who and aren’t full of judgements and criticism about every little thing not being to their exact liking

Might have better to ask what do guests not like about weddings 🙂 For example:hanging around for ages for photos, long waits for drinks, nibbles ( I have been to weddings where I have been starving and dying for a drink), long, boring speeches which try to be witty but aren’t, the expense of travel, hotel room, drawn out day attending day and evening do’s…
The 2 best weddings I have been to (from a selfish point of view 😀):

1. wedding of a middle aged couple: ceremony in a small chapel with about 50 guests, straight to the venue where guests were greeted by bride and groom and given welcome drinks and appetisers. Quickly followed by sit down meal with wine, soft drinks served throughout. Background music. Short speeches. Coffees and liqueurs/brandy. Bride and groom announced that party drawing to a close and they would be speaking to and thanking every guest before they left. The whole ‘day’ was about 5 hours long and it was lovely.
2. A budget wedding. Ceremony in the room of a public building followed immediately by fizz and other drinks with substantial snacks in an adjoining room with conservatory and garden. All guests then went to a pub which had the main room hired for the day. With tables set for meals . Servers came to each table and told us the 3 or 4 starter and meal choices plus puddings. Not a free bar but I would not expect it. Whole day started around 3and ended about 8 but many people stayed on a the pub for more drinks. The weddings lacked pretension which I think is the key. This was a long response 😂

So many people want it over and done with as quick as possible! Honestly if that’s your attitude why bother going at all?

Don’t you get that for the bride and groom it’s there special day, they’ve likely paid a lot for it, they will want to make the most of it and not race to the finish.

honestly some people on here…you had your day to do what you want, let other people have their day to do what they want and be gracious and happy for them!

You can have too much of a good thing though.

I don’t think favours are required so definitely don’t waste your money. As for evening invitation, it’s perfectly fine and whilst some are saying they wouldn’t both just for an evening, I don’t see how it’s any more effort than if you were invited to a big birthday or anniversary party, that wouldn’t be a whole day event. Most people are perfectly understanding and realise how expensive these things are and why there would need to be a split guest list. If someone couldn’t be bothered just for the evening, that’s fine, there will be plenty that will want to come. Do it your way whilst being considerate of your guests, which to be honest it sounds like you’re already doing, so good on you and enjoy your day x

Exactly @TeenPlusCat

As B&G you can get caught up in the day and it goes really quickly. For guests, not always! For guests there tends to be a lot of hanging around. If you are catching up with friends and family it can be great. But if you don’t know many people and have travelled a few hours to get there an event from mid morning to midnight can seem an age