To ask what wedding guests actually find important?

[Scarfmisuseissues]

Might regret this knowing how anti-wedding MN can be but here goes! Am in early stages of wedding planning and want to focus our budget on things that will actually make our guests day more enjoyable, as we recognise there's a significant cost/effort involved in attending to celebrate with us.

As a wedding guest, what details/gestures etc are actually important to you, and what could you not give a crap about?

For example, MIL was horrified at my suggestion we ditch favours,-: I'm never that bothered about them, but she thinks people will find it rude.

Also, are you offended when receiving an evening only invite or is it fine? We want to keep numbers at the ceremony smaller as DP is quite shy.

We won't be able to stretch to a free bar all day/night, so that's a no no.

Thank you for participating in my research.

@DressingGownofDoom

well it’s tough shit , it’s either that or the working men’s club! Also glass of wine is more like £6

Maybe just elope if you are mainly looking to please yourselves. A destination wedding could be nice.

You’re right @MangyInseam. The best wedding photos I’ve ever seen are the reportage style ones. The staged ones are so boring. I really wish we hadn’t bothered, we haven’t looked at them in 22 years, in fact I don’t even know where they are now.

@MangyInseam

I've come to really hate wedding photos. It's like couples don't realize that guests don't care about them and do not want to wait around for an hour or more while they are taken. If people want long wedding photo shoots they should schedule them for a different time. Which possibly seems silly because then it's not really a wedding photo, but all the more reason to have a small number of photos, maybe even mainly candids, and save some money.

We also do not want to see the photos after the event so please newlywed couples don't send us a postcard with your wedding photo on it or drag out the photo album every time we go to your house for a drink

@CMOTDibbler

depends on what you mean by fed properly.

Meals at appropriate times, sure! Endless supply of food and snacks as some people on here suggest, no! Totally unacceptable to expect bride and groom to compromise on funding a surplus of food which people don’t really need and will ly a lot go to waste

@LuckySantangelo35

@DressingGownofDoom

well it’s tough shit , it’s either that or the working men’s club! Also glass of wine is more like £6

Yeah it's cool. It's not like people need their money for you know, food and electricity and stuff. Maybe you should get 'you've been invited- tough shit' printed on your invitations

Our buffet ran from the time we arrived back from the church - at around 3.30 - until the food finally ran out which was about 8-ish. I asked the caterers to be generous and, by God they took me at my word! There wasn’t any waste.

Yes, I know there are some people who enjoy their photos later, but the majority of people I've talked to about it afterwards realize they don't look at them, or only a few. It's a really significant expense that could be made smaller, and make the logistics of the wedding a lot easier too.

It seems to have been something that started in the 80s, I don't remember these big photo shoots being common before that. Most people had one or two nice photos, or just ones taken by a family member.

I suspect the big photo shoot was a marketing thing by photographers.

Getting it over with as soon as possible. Only the bride enjoys the day, it's major hassle for anyone else. Definitely agree the hanging around is terrible and, I don't know if people still do that ghastly line up thing, hopefully Covid has killed that.

Because when you are hosting you should take your guests into account. It is basic manners. This kind of thing:

• having colour code rules for guests


• nothing to do for hours because you are having photos taken to rival Hello or Vogue


• obscure expensive venue miles away from cheaper accommodation even though half your guests are on NMW because it is 'your dream'


• midweek weddings when the majority of guests live a very long way away so will need to take 3 days off

My mum and dad have a formal wedding album from the 60s. I think formal wedding photos probably go back earlier than that, to when it was unusual to own cameras and snaps wouldn't be very good, but not really needed today.

@MangyInseam

its not all about pleasing ourselves, but I do think some of it should be about what we want as should be the case for all couples.

I wouldn’t begrudge any of my friends pleasing themselves on some aspects of the day even if those aspects were less ‘guest friendly’. In fact, been there lots of times! And still managed to have a great day and didn’t think any less of the bride and groom for it

p.s would have loved a destination wedding as guaranteed sun! But some members of wedding party can’t fit so that put pay to that! So there you go, compromise right there!

The thing about food is that if you don't keep people waiting around a lot, you don't need to have so much.

If people can go from the wedding to the reception venue fairly easily, and be fed in good time without a million speeches, you don't need to feed them in between. And if you don't keep them over another meal time you don't need to keep shoving food into them after one good sized meal, though if there is late dancing/booze you might want an option for a small snack.

midweek weddings when the majority of guests live a very long way away so will need to take 3 days off

To be fair, that’s why we had a mid week wedding. Lots of our guests came from N Ireland so we did it mid week to cut the cost of their flights. We chose a date in the school holidays to benefit the guests who are teachers.

There is a reason for the line up though, which in a larger wedding is just to make sure the bride and groom actually get a chance to say hello and thank you to everyone who comes. Though I really prefer it when they don't include the whole wedding party.

@Thedogshouses

you sound such a kill joy!

Absolutely not true that the only person who enjoys a wedding day is the bride! I love weddings as do lots of people I know.

It’s a chance to get dressed up, socialise (which I know everyone on mumsnet hates), spend time in a lovely place you wouldn’t normally go, have lovely special food and drink you wouldn’t normally have, maybe get a bit tipsy and let your hair down, enjoy good music and / or entertainment, have a dance and laugh.

Honestly how is that not a good time?! What is your definition of a good time?! Sitting in the house reading a book in your pj’s? Puh-lease!!

I like to choose who I socialise with and don't need an excuse, if I want to go our and have fun, get pissed and see my friends I do. Sitting in a room with a random bunch of people and having speak to crashing bores? Not my idea of fun. I do get though if you don't get out much its a nice excuse, just glad I don't need one.

@LuckySantangelo35 Haha, thanks! I've always been of the view that it's the couple's day and they're paying for it and I'm just pleased that they wanted me to be part of it. I would certainly never, ever want anyone to feel bad because they couldn't afford (or didn't want to spend) a load of money on their wedding. (And nor would I want someone to feel bad if their dream venue was somewhere where the drinks were slightly more expensive than a pub.)

Food and drink are the most important thing. Keep your guests well-fed and watered. Rather have a free bar than favours.

Doesn't necessarily have to be alcohol, but I lots of coffee, tea, water, soft drinks are non-negotiable.

Wedding favours a waste of time. I agree appropriate food is important, my 1st wedding was in December, so we had endless hot tea and coffee, soup, a roast dinner and apple pie and custard! Loads of seating so people can move about, after the meal, and good music, but not so loud as to discourage conversation.
if I’d been invited, I wouldn’t care if it was the wedding itself, the evening do, or both, it’s a privilege to be asked. We had a bar that was cash only, and non-alcoholic Asti for the toast. Plenty of parking!

You see I've always been brought up that weddings are family/community celebrations. The bringing together of two families. In working class areas it's still mostly parent's who pay a significant chunk of the cost. Keeping your guests happy is the most important thing.

@starray

I think everyone would! But the cost of favours and a free bar are not comparable, at all! Free bar would cost tons

@Comefromaway

and sod the bride and groom eh?! Who cares what they want. It’s only their wedding day. They’ll only have that day once (hopefully!!)

They're getting married. That's the bit that actually matters.