To ask what wedding guests actually find important?

[Scarfmisuseissues]

Might regret this knowing how anti-wedding MN can be but here goes! Am in early stages of wedding planning and want to focus our budget on things that will actually make our guests day more enjoyable, as we recognise there's a significant cost/effort involved in attending to celebrate with us.

As a wedding guest, what details/gestures etc are actually important to you, and what could you not give a crap about?

For example, MIL was horrified at my suggestion we ditch favours,-: I'm never that bothered about them, but she thinks people will find it rude.

Also, are you offended when receiving an evening only invite or is it fine? We want to keep numbers at the ceremony smaller as DP is quite shy.

We won't be able to stretch to a free bar all day/night, so that's a no no.

Thank you for participating in my research.

The B&G shouldn't have a day they hate, but the idea that their day is more important than their guests' says a lot about what's wrong with society today.

It's crazy think that their dream location or special car or whatever is more important than the guests being well looked after. If it is, they should do it without guests and I give the marriage 5 mins

@OctopusSay

no it’s not.

It’s also about having a good time, a party, a chance to wear an amazing dress, to indulge in all the traditions and pomp and ceremony and all that if you want to, etc etc. Obviously getting married is the most important bit but evidently people do want the other stuff and it is important to them otherwise everyone would just piss off and elope wouldn’t they, saving themselves loads of money in the process.

Life’s too short to always to do the bare minimum and what’s functional all the time.

Yes of course, but the post I'd quoted was suggesting that the B&G's day should be at the expense of your guests' comfort. If B&G can't be happy on their wedding day, because guests have been prioritised, there's something wrong.

This thread is really useful - thanks!

I think a lot of these issues probably depend on what is “normal” among particular friendship groups and making sure guests know what to expect. I haven’t been to many weddings that have had cash bars, so personally I wouldn’t be a huge fan of spending a lot of money on a present / travel / accommodation / outfit and then being expected to pay for my own drinks most of the night. But if I knew to budget for drinks, I could choose whether to cut costs on other aspects accordingly (or choose whether to go at all as an evening guest).

I also hate waiting around for group photos. If it takes longer than about an hour, people either seem to get bored or drunk. It’s also really hard to get canapés right at that point - too few and people get hungry / drunk; too many and they’re not hungry enough for the wedding breakfast!

I agree that wedding food is generally terrible, mostly because it’s large scale catering to bland, lowest common denominator tastes. If you can’t get lucky with a brilliant independent caterer (who may charge quite a lot per head) then I’m also a huge fan of street food / barbecues / cheaper food that is tasty and crowd pleasing.

Strongly agree with the posters who’ve mentioned the guests making or breaking the wedding. I think it’s sad (and a bit rude) when friends in particular leave long before the bride and groom - at least unless the B&G make it clear they will be raving all night! It’s possibly the most important day of their lives - the least their friends can do is enter into the spirit of things and stay to help them enjoy the party. It’s different of course for many relatives / pregnant women / children etc.

Well I had the things that were important to me. I had the dress I wanted which was expensive for then but still reasonable in the scheme of things £500. I paid for my bridesmaids dresses and shoes and gave them an input into styles etc. We had good music (dh and I are musical and had friends willing to play), a ceilidh as we thought everyone would enjoy that and lots of food and drink. Simple, but good quality. All taking place at a venue in our home city right opposite a railway station. What we didn't have was hours of photos, sweety carts, (children had a little bag of sweets in tulle that we made ourselves) at the table. No week long destination hen dos or "activities" etc etc. Just a lovely day that people still talk about in a good way 25 years later.

Agree sweet stalls and stuff like that is naff and needless expense

@flyingonempty if you have travelled for the day and the wedding has started mid morning/lunchtime many people have had enough by the evening, especially if you don’t know many people at the wedding. We didn’t have an evening do for that reason at our wedding

@toomuchlaundry

thats a shame for you! I agree with other posters, guests should make an effort and get in the party spirit

Why is it a shame @LuckySantangelo35 We loved our wedding, it was small and intimate, plenty of food and drink, we managed to have a catch up with all our friends. But it didn’t go on too long

I have noticed that overly expensive hen parties can sour the mood at the wedding actually! I went to one a few years ago where several of the guests had already spent money they didn’t have on a destination hen weekend with people who didn’t all get along. It didn’t exactly pre-dispose those guests to enjoy the wedding (which also involved a lot of expenditure for them).

Personally I would ban any hen do costing more than about £100. No matter how much your friends say they enjoyed it, it’s unlikely to have been their first choice of how to spend that money. And I don’t know many people who relish the prospect of going away with lots of people they don’t know very well.

Nice food is my no1
Prosecco on the table not just wine (I don't like wine)

”Nice” is subjective.
Prosecco is wine.

Whereas I can't stand prosecco. Nasty sweet stuff

guests should make an effort and get in the party spirit

If this is important to the B&G then they should get married at a weekend. I love a wedding and would happily dance the night away and stay until the end, but when the wedding is on a Wednesday, the venue is an hours drive away and I've got to be up at 6am for work the next day that's not going to happen.

@toomuchlaundry
glad you had a good time.

I just say that as often the reception/night do can be the best bit! Formalities out the way, everyone might be a bit tipsy, band or other entertainment starts, dancing etc

@LuckySantangelo35 different priorities, the important bit of a wedding to me is seeing someone get married

Oh, I completely agree! I think finishing earlier is a brilliant idea in that case.

My point was really that most friends are capable of going at least until the B&G have had enough (which may be earlier if the wedding starts mid-morning, but generally I don’t think 11pm or midnight on a Saturday is a hugely late finish for people in their 20s/30s for example). I just think it’s a shame when those friends can’t be bothered to stay up for a bit longer to help see out the most important and expensive party the B&G will ever throw. While it’s right to focus on the guests, I also think that trying to make sure the B&G have a great time on the day is important.

I’m another one voting for food and plenty of it!

Not bothered about favours at all and am never offended to receive an evening only invite.

Oh…that’ll teach me to to RTFT 😬

Getting it over with as soon as possible. Only the bride enjoys the day,

Utter nonsense! I have attended scores of weddings and can count on one hand the few that I didn’t really enjoy.

We didn’t have an evening do for that reason at our wedding

One of my husband’s siblings did the same. It all fell a bit flat. A surprising number assumed that there would naturally be an evening do and we’re left wondering what to do. Eventually, they carried on the party in the local pub.

We didn’t have an evening do, we had an everybody is invited to the all day and into the next morning do. People came and went as they pleased.

Basically this.

No rules about mobiles, children or dogs...

@JustJam4Tea

eh?! So re no rules, you want to bring your kids, bring your dog and be able to have your phone during the vow, maybe even take a call why not?!

really hope you’re joking!

I think a lot of these issues probably depend on what is “normal” among particular friendship groups and making sure guests know what to expect. I haven’t been to many weddings that have had cash bars, so personally I wouldn’t be a huge fan of spending a lot of money on a present / travel / accommodation / outfit and then being expected to pay for my own drinks most of the night. But if I knew to budget for drinks, I could choose whether to cut costs on other aspects accordingly (or choose whether to go at all as an evening guest).

Agree with this….. I’ve also only been to a 2-3 weddings when you’re expected to buy your own drinks in the evenings (the rest have all been free bars). The paying bars have normally been at very expensive venues where they are charging £15 for a glass of wine. And to be honest that’s all I then remember of the wedding, the ridiculous prices of the drinks 😕. It leaves a bit of a sour taste tbh.

And completely agree about deciding whether or not to go as an evening guest in the above circumstances - especially if it’s far away.

Spot the bridezilla on this thread 😁

@LuckySantangelo35 fair point - should have elaborated.

Wedding I went to had rules that no one was allowed to have their mobile with them in church as the bride didn't want anything on social media before she put it on. They had a special guarded basket for mobiles and stickers with guests names on.

A different wedding - the bride and groom were dogsmaided by their cavapoo. Other guests were allowed to bring dogs, but only if neutered or spayed. (probably sensible) but I thought it was mad saying dogs allowed.

And lots of people seem to have a 'no kids' rule - that's one that I personally think is a bit sad. Even though I don't have kids.