To find my 10 year old niece obnoxious

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I love my 10 yo niece with all my heart but sometimes I don't like her very much.

I can't really explain it but it's like her personality is a little off. She comes across as very loud and almost arrogant when I know in reality she is actually a very insecure child.
I took her to the cinema at the weekend and during parts of the movie she shouted out unfunny "jokes" I asked her to stop as she was disturbing other patrons but she continued to do it a few times and afterwards I heard her telling her mother (who wasn't with us) how everybody in the cinema was laughing at her jokes
If we are out for a family meal she will dominate conversation and ask to sing which her parents always shush the adults to allow her to sing (she has a decent singing voice but does anyone in a restaurant want to hear a 10 year old singing Ed sheeran songs!!)
She doesn't have many friends at all and a lot of my friends kids actively dislike her.
She is not my kid so I don't know how I'm supposed to help here? And can you even help if a kids personality is like this? Her parents think she is the best thing since Sliced bread

She sounds like a child that is never said No to.

I'd have better boundaries next time, she'll soon learn when an activity ends abruptly.

I've got 3 DD's and my eldest would have easily dominated the room had she been allowed to. Some kids just have this personality. It's great when they're adults but really tough to manage when they're kids!

Good advice.

and if she starts telling jokes/singing etc, give her one warning (ie, stop or else we’ll be leaving), and then if she continues, leave.

It's interesting that a lot of responses are along the lines of "oh poor girl take her out 1-2-1 and tell her how to behave". That may work, but if the parents are likely to complain/tell her if she's brought back early that it is mean auntie at fault and will do no good.

There's also 3 younger ones. Does auntie take them all out 1-2-1 or is the oldest getting rewarded for her behaviour? Sounds like the younger ones might benefit from 1-2-1 time too.

Another option, which probably will go down badly, would be to take one of the others to the cinema/1-2-1 time and compliment their behaviour to her sister when she gets back- that is assuming they don't behave the same. How they sat so nicely, asked nice questions, helped her with the shopping etc. That might gently point out to her sister that the behaviour of the oldest is unusual.

I know a family where one does behave like the oldest child. When I commented to one of their siblings they shrugged and said "they've always been like that, just ignore it..." He's in his 40s and I wonder sometimes if someone had just said to him as a child to stop constantly boasting and attention seeking whether he would be more pleasant to be with.

Maybe the parents just think the sun shines out of her arse and don’t pull her up on her arrogant behaviour

My cousin-in-law's daughter (my cousin married her when her daughter was 12) was like this. Always told how wonderful she was and was a pain in the neck as a consequence.

That said, I agree with a pp who said that certain behaviour is criticised more in females than males. I read a book recently which said that women don't really like Queen Bees (except in school playgrounds, by my experience) whereas men tend to accept the alpha male in their midst. I don't know if I am convinced, but it's certainly true that what is considered arrogance in a woman is confidence in a man. And overconfident men without talent seem to do ok.

It may be that her nose has been put out of joint by three siblings so she does feel like she has to show off to get attention. Or not. It sounds like you've had good advice on here OP.

@yellowsuninthesky hhhhmmm I don't know If I agree with that, attention seeking showy male 10 year olds are pretty annoying too. In my children's friendship groups there's been boys who behave the same way as girls (as in bossy/over bearing/show offs/nasty) and they're not liked whether they're a boy or a girl, what i don't like and do find sexist about it though is when it's a boy behaving in a way like that they're usually compared to a girl, like it's a female trait he's displaying and he's like "normal" boys who are always so chilled out/never "bitch" or are nasty to each other blah blah

not like "normal boys" **

This reminds me of my DD1 (13). She’s constantly on at us to watch her dance to pop songs she’s listening to on you-tube. She’s also constantly singing along and not in tune (she has hearing aids so this is understandable). She also goes on at us to watch her bouncing on the trampoline.

Similarly to your niece, she lacks social cues and interrupts us to ask us to watch her. We’ve wondered for a long time whether she’s ND, as well as being adopted.

However, I do say no to her and call her out when she interrupts. And she certainly doesn’t behave that way at school or at church, and definitely not at the cinema.

Your niece’s parents are doing her no favours by not calling her out on her annoying behaviours.

I have 4 children - none of them ever behaved like that

I agree. I think I'd suggest some Time for Me counselling about her behaviours or an assessment with CAMHS.

That is so true. I have just spent 3 days with the most horrendous 8, and 12 year old nephews. The 8 year old behaves like a 2 year old and scream non stop until he gets his own way....he is not on the spectrum. The way his parents handle these situations is to ALWAYS give in to him. The older nephew is a constant pain in the backside, constant wittering and annoying his siblings causing fights. It does not stop from the moment they open their eyes and they close them to go to sleep. As I type this, the older child is annoying my 11 month pup by blowing in his face (and he wonders why he snaps at him). The 8 year old has been telling me all day that he doesn't like me, because I had the audacity to correct his behaviour...(someone had to do it).

I was all ready to come and say that all ten year olds are varying degrees of obnoxious, but this is not on. She is indulged and clearly wants to be the centre of attention all the time.

Bit of a tricky one to navigate as her parents are clearly the ones indulging her! I agree with a previous poster, high school will chew her up unless she can find a like group of friends.

Suggest dance and drama to her parents. She needs an appropriate outlet.

My childminder regularly used to say “ watch this ! “ and make me wait when l was picking up my daughter - then 2 - so her 7 year old could put on a show of singing / dancing for 5 to 10 minutes. I’d oblige because l didn’t want to embarrass the child but it was excruciatingly awkward ….then we’d both clap 😄 l was such a people pleaser 20 years ago …

I feel your pain, both of my nieces (nearly 12 and nearly 9) are like this! It's just so wearing and it's purely because the parents never tell them off and always give in to them. They baby the younger one completely, still carrying her about and talking to her like she is a baby and now the grandparents do it too!! She is older than my youngest child, but you would think she was about 5 years younger the way they all talk to her. Plus she can do no wrong, and is wonderful at everything obviously and talked about incessantly by the grandparents to my own children (10 & 8) who are sick of "the cousin show" as they call it 😂he 11 year old is marginally better now but still shouted out very inappropriate comments to our neighbour last time they were here and I was so embarrassed and cross - the parents (as usual did absolutely nothing except make a comment about how clever their child was for knowing such a long word).

I think it might be quite a common thing in that age to be a bit obnoxious, although my own 10 year old would die rather than show off about anything or talk himself up at all. he has a few friends who are very superior and bossy and proclaim themselves the best at absolutely everything 🙄 I tell my children just to ignore people like that as they might eventually give it a rest if no one listens!

Agree with others who are citing possible social interaction and communication issues. When I read your OP this immediately reminded me of my DSS who is 11 but developmentally more like age 8 or 9. He speaks very loudly without any awareness or ability to regulate his volume. He still finds immature jokes extremely funny and laughs very loudly. Things that our younger DC might laugh at but which older children have stopped finding amusing long ago. He uses odd turns of phrase and corrects adults and other children constantly in a very self important way. He dominates every conversation and talks loudly over the top of everyone. He comes across as very confident (loud, precocious) but in reality has low self esteem and few friends. It was less noticeable in primary school as lots of kids are loud and like to talk only about things which interest them and find it difficult to take turns. But as kids get older and peers are starting to learn socially acceptable behaviour, he seems unaware and the difference is becoming more apparent. I won’t lie, it’s really hard work to remain patient. It sound very much like your DN may also have some of these issues to contend with and her parents will need to find sensitive ways to manage these as it isn’t Ok to be shouting out in the cinema or expecting adults around her to listen to her singing when they’re trying to have a conversation. Perhaps her parents find this endearing but others won’t and your DN will need to learn this one way or another. Im not suggesting it’s for you to deal with at all, but perhaps be aware that this may be due to factors beyond her level of understanding. But yes, highly irritating!!!

As other have said, sounds suspiciously SEN. As a parent of a now adult DS on the spectrum I live with this. Demanding attention, inappropriate behaviour, total lack of consideration or empathy for anyone in the vicinity.... Have a really gentle word with the parents expressing your observations - not concerns. They need to get her tested. its amazing what the appropriate use of ritolin (Concerta) will do to help her focus. Hope this helps and good luck.

I come from a massive family and none of us behaved like that to get attention, nor have I seen it in only children.Imho it really speaks of a SEN child or a spoilt over undulged child.

Could it be that as the eldest of four kids she has found a way to get attention from her parents when they have been busy with the younger kids? It’s a way that gets a positive response from them?

Really what she needs is to know that she can be her lovely little self and be accepted and enjoyed without the performance and feeling like she has to entertain or get a reaction to feel worthy.

Do you think she would enjoy any books about women and girls who have been successful in a variety of ways? Maybe reading about both women/girls and men/boys who are successful but who haven’t always been while growing up might help her see that we don’t need to seek approval for everything we do and say. There are also books for that tween age about confidence, workbooks too, that the two of you could do together.

You sound like a lovely aunt who loves her and wants to protect her from being shunned by others due to her annoying behaviour. What is cute at ten won’t always be cute.

@gymbummy love that comment 😀

Wow “this”. It’s a horrible attitude that people have to only children as if only children are the only ones who can be obnoxious! Have you ever considered that only children have their own set of difficulties? Yes they might get more stuff and more attention from their parents but why is that wrong? Only children are always looking for friends, often lonely on the outside looking in, don’t have siblings to learn from argue with, love and cuddle up to. They miss out on all that through no fault of their own and then when they’re not perfect in public people like you think it’s ok to make nasty comments about them. All children are capable of good and bad behaviour. A little bit of understanding goes a long way.
This girls sounds like she’s trying very hard to fit in and is copying the behaviour of popular kids.

What you’ve said sounds like a child on the autistic spectrum. Her parents are probably in denial so do anything to please her

Oh god this was me as a child. Totally overindulged with love and affection by parents as only child and was allowed to dominate things too much. Luckily I joined youth organisation in teens and learned I wasnt the centre of the universe by time I reached 18.

She sounds very like my daughter, tbh. She's autistic, but her class teacher 18 months ago decided she was spoilt and needed taking down a peg or two (despite all expert reports, and the class teacher from the year before, saying she was a gorgeous child who just needed support with social interaction as she couldn't understand what the rules were) and by the end of the first term she was vomiting from stress. Speech and language therapy to help with social interaction, small group work in her (new, fantastic) school etc helps, but to be honest she can be embarrassing at times. She just doesn't understand that the world isn't her stage because she has no grasp of social context. She's going to need a lot of help and support as she gets older (still primary aged right now) and the balance between making her behaviour adapt appropriately, and not squashing her self esteem yet more, is really hard.

It may not be that at all, but as many pp have said, she's ringing all manner of alarm bells to me. My son's also autistic and presents totally differently - shy, anxious, desperate to please - but my daughter would also think her jokes were the life and soul, when in fact she was disturbing people's quiet enjoyment of a film.

Sadly, if her parents aren't open to investigating this they will not thank you for raising it, unless and until the harm is sufficiently great that she has overt mental health problems, and they're looking for answers... which is usually in early to mid secondary. Primary school teachers very rarely recognise and properly support this sort of autism in boys, let alone girls, so sadly it doesn't seem likely that much will be done. What she really needs is a very competent SLT and OT assessment, and then an ed psych with those reports as backdrop. That would establish if she's got SEN, or just unfortunate traits she will hopefully grow out of.

It must also be cultural - i.e., what does our (social) media say about being successful and fulfilled? Get followers/go on a reality/talent show - that's the most important thing. Everyone else is deluded and spoiling the fun (obsession). Sounds like the youngster is the focus of that dream. We do this to vulnerable kids.

I think the problem is her parents. Thjey are not teaching her appropriate social behaviour, consideration for others and that she is not always the "star" of show! They are doing her no favours

You CAN make clear your expectations of her when you are out with her though. She will soon learn if there are consequences for her behaviours that are not appropriate etc when she is with you and will adapt. However of she tells her parents and they complain to you then you do have a problem I'm afraid!

This sounds like mild autism to me, which in girls, can be very much like the behaviour you're describing. She can't see how her behaviour impacts upon other people around her, so she acts out bizarrely and people don't like her. I know someone who was this sort of child but as she grew up she learnt self-awareness and is now a bloody marvellous and absolutely lovable adult.