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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my 10 year old niece obnoxious

205 replies

Fawncard · 19/04/2022 15:15

I love my 10 yo niece with all my heart but sometimes I don't like her very much.

I can't really explain it but it's like her personality is a little off. She comes across as very loud and almost arrogant when I know in reality she is actually a very insecure child.
I took her to the cinema at the weekend and during parts of the movie she shouted out unfunny "jokes" I asked her to stop as she was disturbing other patrons but she continued to do it a few times and afterwards I heard her telling her mother (who wasn't with us) how everybody in the cinema was laughing at her jokes Hmm
If we are out for a family meal she will dominate conversation and ask to sing which her parents always shush the adults to allow her to sing (she has a decent singing voice but does anyone in a restaurant want to hear a 10 year old singing Ed sheeran songs!!)
She doesn't have many friends at all and a lot of my friends kids actively dislike her.
She is not my kid so I don't know how I'm supposed to help here? And can you even help if a kids personality is like this? Her parents think she is the best thing since Sliced bread

OP posts:
Ellie56 · 19/04/2022 15:44

I agree it sounds as though there are some social communication difficulties. Her behaviour sounds very unusual, if not bizarre, for a 10 year old.

Do you know if the school has raised any concerns?

ForeverLooking · 19/04/2022 15:50

I think the fact she doesn't go to a club anymore that is based around something she loves doing is quite telling. I feel like she needs the brutality and truth of her peers rather than a bunch of Yes Men adults who are too kind to tell her to rein it in. It's not helping her at all. I would do like you say -some one on one, take away the audience and show her she doesn't need to be "on" all the time. Unfortunately you can't help much more than that not being the parent.

itsgettingweird · 19/04/2022 15:50

The difficulty here is that there's so many things that could be contributing to her behaviour.

Eldest of 4 - attention seeking.

Indulgent parents - she genuinely thinks people want her to perform

Difficulties in understanding social norms.

And an added layer that if she struggles to understand social norms and is encouraged to perform the her parents are doubly doing her no favours.

If you can afford to take her out for 1:1 time would you be able to afford to take her to a drama club once a week to channel that energy?

I'd also look for activities to do together where she doesn't need to be silent - so swimming, cycling, climbing walls etc.

VioletLemon · 19/04/2022 15:51

Agree with previous comments, it sounds like social communication difficulties might be an issue. Is there any autistic spectrum disorder in the family? The performance thing is very common In girls with some of these difficulties and teen years and puberty can be really challenging if parents can't see she's not 'fitting in' and find a wy to support her understanding. Of course that said, she doesn't need to 'fit in' but so much of life at that age is peer dependent and learning the rules is a must for her to go through puberty happy. If the parents are unaware perhaps they also have some social communication issues.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/04/2022 15:52

At the age of 10 I don't think this is just a parenting issue. She has been in school for 6 years interacting independently with peers and teachers, and if she still isn't picking up social cues there is probably an underlying reason for that.

Underhisi · 19/04/2022 15:52

If she has social communication difficulties then the brutality of peers won't work. She needs the support of adults who know how to help her.

Original poster
Fawncard · 19/04/2022 15:54

@NotSure94 this is interesting as neither of the other 3 kids in her family behave like this either I do wonder if its a SEN issue maybe? She doesn't really fidget though or exhibit any other obvious traits but she doesn't understand non verbal cues because often there are people in her company who are obviously irritated or annoyed at her and she is clueless.

@Ellie56 the school raised some concerns about her "correcting" the teachers but nothing specific about her social skills (that I know of)

OP posts:
WhoppingBigBackside · 19/04/2022 15:54

Had I been sitting near you in the cinema or resteraunt, I'd have told her to pipe down. She sounds ghastly.

Philisophigal · 19/04/2022 15:54

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn at the user's request.

girlmom21 · 19/04/2022 15:55

This sounds irritating. Have you addressed it with her parents?
Do you think they overcompensate because they can't give her much?

bookworm14 · 19/04/2022 15:55

How depressing that someone assumed this girl must be an only child. Hopefully the fact that she is the eldest of 4 will cause that person to reassess their lazy, stereotypical view of only children.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 19/04/2022 15:56

What does she do it you tell her not to do whatever she’s doing or if you explain that it’s not how people behave?

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 15:56

It does sound like she might have additional needs. Hopefully she might get some support at secondary school. Did she stop clubs for money or other reasons? If it’s money maybe you could pay for her birthday etc. Guides might also be a good fit to help her interact with peers and is usually reasonably priced activity.
I’d give her 1-1 attention but not tolerate inappropriate behaviour. Chose activities carefully.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/04/2022 15:56

@bookworm14

How depressing that someone assumed this girl must be an only child. Hopefully the fact that she is the eldest of 4 will cause that person to reassess their lazy, stereotypical view of only children.
Quite!
Jinglebin1 · 19/04/2022 15:57

She's a kid and a human being. Have some more decency than to post this where people will be hideous about a child.

Triffid1 · 19/04/2022 15:58

[quote Fawncard]@NotSure94 this is interesting as neither of the other 3 kids in her family behave like this either I do wonder if its a SEN issue maybe? She doesn't really fidget though or exhibit any other obvious traits but she doesn't understand non verbal cues because often there are people in her company who are obviously irritated or annoyed at her and she is clueless.

@Ellie56 the school raised some concerns about her "correcting" the teachers but nothing specific about her social skills (that I know of)[/quote]
Unfortunately, what the school may or may not have said is not something you'll know and if her parents are indulgent, which it sounds like they are, the reality is that even if the school HAS said something, because generally they try to be tactful and kind, her parents might not have even heard it.

I've seen it many times. Often takes the form of parents complaining that the school isn't doing enough to help the child or understand the child when, to anyone looking in from the outside, the child clearly needs more intervention.

ForeverLooking · 19/04/2022 15:58

@Underhisi

If she has social communication difficulties then the brutality of peers won't work. She needs the support of adults who know how to help her.
It has helped my autistic son no end. Working with his peers who tell him the absolute truth (with teachers present obviously) has given him a far greater understanding of how the world works and how to work alongside people and cope with that. You can't pretend people are going to be kind all the time or let you have you way. You have to learn to share and compromise. DS is in a base unit with other children with similar needs and they learn every day how to work alongside each other and how to handle social situations. Yes, it can be hard and trying but he can't be hidden away from society.
itsgettingweird · 19/04/2022 15:59

@TheYearOfSmallThings

At the age of 10 I don't think this is just a parenting issue. She has been in school for 6 years interacting independently with peers and teachers, and if she still isn't picking up social cues there is probably an underlying reason for that.
I agree with this mostly.

Although I've seen anomalies where at school the children a few fine and don't exhibit this behaviour.

They know it's wrong in school but don't see it's wrong out of school because it's encouraged and indulged.

In this case though with the info from OP re school comments it does seem that the behaviours are in both settings.

It's one of the first questions asked for things such as adhd assessments.

Original poster
Fawncard · 19/04/2022 16:00

@girlmom21

This sounds irritating. Have you addressed it with her parents? Do you think they overcompensate because they can't give her much?
No I haven't addressed it with her parents. I don't want to upset anyone and they just think she's brilliant (which I know is lovely as parents but I think it's not doing her any favours). They don't think there is any problem so who am I to say different I suppose, I don't have any kids so don't think they would value my input very much.
OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 19/04/2022 16:01

@Fawncard

I agree I should have taken her out of the cinema. Id say the other families were cursing me. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, the thing is she doesn't get to go many places her parents don't have much money and don't take the kids out very much so I like to treat her when I can but her increasingly strange behaviour makes me not want to do that anymore.
She needs to have her feelings hurt she needs to understand that she is in the wrong. It's better for you to hurt her and correct this mess because her peers will not hold back.
myusernamewastakenbyme · 19/04/2022 16:02

I was out for a meal years ago with my ex husband...we were in a lovely restaurant but the whole experience was ruined by the table next to us who had an obnoxious child dominating the conversation...he was so loud the whole restaurant must have heard him..i was fuming.

Spanglemum · 19/04/2022 16:02

Hi OP, 'correcting' the teachers is about social skills in a way because she hasn't learnt to display appropriate behaviour. It's difficult when it's not your child. Next time you go out to the cinema you remind her 'we sit quietly in the cinema because lots of people are there who want to enjoy the film. They won't be able to hear it if you shout out. They will be cross'. If you Google 'social stories', it's a way of explaining information to people with social communication problems who don't pick up on cues. The parents should not be encouraging her to sing in restaurants though!

chisanunian · 19/04/2022 16:03

She sounds like an insufferable show-off who wants to be the centre of attention (and yes, you can be insecure and behave like that), and I'd have frog-marched her out of the cinema there and then.

AskingforaBaskin · 19/04/2022 16:03

Next time her parents try to shush the table why not tell them no?!
Inform them that nobody wants to hear her sing and that this would be awful for the othe people .

grapewines · 19/04/2022 16:07

@Fawncard

I agree I should have taken her out of the cinema. Id say the other families were cursing me. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, the thing is she doesn't get to go many places her parents don't have much money and don't take the kids out very much so I like to treat her when I can but her increasingly strange behaviour makes me not want to do that anymore.
She gets away with this shit because no one wants to hurt her feelings. You should have taken her out of there. Other people had paid and were disturbed by her annoying behaviour. I would have been so pissed off.