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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my 10 year old niece obnoxious

205 replies

Fawncard · 19/04/2022 15:15

I love my 10 yo niece with all my heart but sometimes I don't like her very much.

I can't really explain it but it's like her personality is a little off. She comes across as very loud and almost arrogant when I know in reality she is actually a very insecure child.
I took her to the cinema at the weekend and during parts of the movie she shouted out unfunny "jokes" I asked her to stop as she was disturbing other patrons but she continued to do it a few times and afterwards I heard her telling her mother (who wasn't with us) how everybody in the cinema was laughing at her jokes Hmm
If we are out for a family meal she will dominate conversation and ask to sing which her parents always shush the adults to allow her to sing (she has a decent singing voice but does anyone in a restaurant want to hear a 10 year old singing Ed sheeran songs!!)
She doesn't have many friends at all and a lot of my friends kids actively dislike her.
She is not my kid so I don't know how I'm supposed to help here? And can you even help if a kids personality is like this? Her parents think she is the best thing since Sliced bread

OP posts:
TrashyPanda · 19/04/2022 17:36

Could you take her to some craft activity, where she makes something for her siblings to play with?

Lunificent · 19/04/2022 17:40

Sounds like she could benefit from being assessed to see if she is autistic. I think some extroverted autistic young people are vulnerable because they irritate both children and adults and even though they might appear to be oblivious, they must come to expect to be constantly rebuffed, admonished and mocked.

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 17:41

I’d definitely ask why dance and drama stopped. It may be money or logistics or I suspect Dn may have had issues waiting turn, following instructions etc.

Longcovid21 · 19/04/2022 17:42

Perhaps she's the next dawn French! Just needs channeling??

TonyBlairsLover · 19/04/2022 17:43

I feel sorry for her, someone really needs to step in. I left high school 2 years ago and honestly she’ll become a target

TonyBlairsLover · 19/04/2022 17:46

It defo seems like she’s crying out for attention. I’d have done the same as her but I was quieter at her age

Dealwithit · 19/04/2022 17:47

@2reefsin30knots

Sounds like her parents are the issue TBH as they are not giving her clear feedback about how to behave socially.

Not sure there is anything you can do about it.

This.

They are the problem

  • not her
OfstedOffred · 19/04/2022 17:48

Honestly at 10? I'd have taken my niece aside and had a bit of chat.

About how high school is a new start, an opportunity to be a more grown up person. Then I'd have been a bit blunt, how showing off can make you really unpopular. Then I'd finish off with a positive bit about she has lots of great things to bring, and that being confident in yourself is brilliant, but that its often a good idea to keep those feelings inside.

It can be a nice conversation. I wish someone had sat me down at that age and sort of given me a similar talking to, I think it would have been the reality check I needed to have a bit of a tone down and reset for secondary and might have made more friends as a result.

Branleuse · 19/04/2022 17:49

im gonna say potentially neurodiverse -( im autistic and have adhd and so do my kids. Im not saying it as a bad thing)
Understanding social cues, impulsive behaviour etc, becoming further and further away from her peers who think shes odd and annoying, it would be worth investigating those, as so often autism in girls is overlooked as the presentation is so different to the stereotype of boys.
Often the issue with autistic girls is they are underdiagnosed and end up being labelled as odd, weird, arrogant, and socially excluded, rather than understood to have a genuine neurodiversity or social communication disability.
Theres so many of us out there too, and the trauma of social exclusion, bullying and constantly being made aware of your social faux pas' leads to all sorts of issues.
Im sure there will be plenty here getting cross that people are suggesting autism, and would prefer to think kids are just shitty and annoying, but oh well.

10HailMarys · 19/04/2022 17:50

I agree that some people are just like that. My friend was a similar child, outgoing, confident, into drama and singing, always taking over. It's a pain in the arse. She's not as annoying now at 40 grin but is still extremely confident and is a stage performer and singer. It's just her personality.

@ForeverLooking There was a girl in my class at secondary school who was a bit like this - very into performing (and pretty good at it) and sports (which she was extremely good at) but also incredibly attention-seeking and very, very boastful with it. She would constantly talk about how good she was at everything - including academic subjects which she was not, in fact, especially good at - and also how much money her parents had and all the expensive things they were buying for her and so on and so forth. On any school trip or large gathering or whatever, she would ALWAYS invent some sort of feigned crisis for which we would all be expected to rally round her and fuss over her etc, massively monopolising the attention - even when it was someone else's birthday party or something, she'd want more attention than the birthday girl and would go as far as pretending to faint to get it.

We clashed non-stop for seven years at school, because I found her bullshit infuriating and made that very clear in way that I'm sure was really unnecessarily dickish of me - but I recently bumped into her at another friend's social event and she is perfectly lovely in middle-age Grin Still super-confident and outgoing but really nice and warm and friendly and fun. Has two lovely kids who is she is obviously very proud of but not at all in a braggy way. We're Facebook friends now and we are both frankly amazed that we don't hate each other any more Grin

Alightjacket · 19/04/2022 17:53

does anyone in a restaurant want to hear a 10 year old singing Ed sheeran songs!!

A billion times no! I don't even want to hear my own child singing Ed Sheeran song. Would go as far as to say I don't even want to hear Ed Sheeran singing them!

herecomesthsun · 19/04/2022 17:56

@Branleuse

im gonna say potentially neurodiverse -( im autistic and have adhd and so do my kids. Im not saying it as a bad thing) Understanding social cues, impulsive behaviour etc, becoming further and further away from her peers who think shes odd and annoying, it would be worth investigating those, as so often autism in girls is overlooked as the presentation is so different to the stereotype of boys. Often the issue with autistic girls is they are underdiagnosed and end up being labelled as odd, weird, arrogant, and socially excluded, rather than understood to have a genuine neurodiversity or social communication disability. Theres so many of us out there too, and the trauma of social exclusion, bullying and constantly being made aware of your social faux pas' leads to all sorts of issues. Im sure there will be plenty here getting cross that people are suggesting autism, and would prefer to think kids are just shitty and annoying, but oh well.
I thought this too - I have a very extrovert DC who tends to misread social situations and has just had an ASD diagnosis. We have had situations where people in cinemas or theatres objected to him talking or fidgeting etc. and he used to enjoy performing/ telling jokes when a bit younger (he is a bit of an emo teen now).
myusernamewastakenbyme · 19/04/2022 17:56

@Alightjacket

does anyone in a restaurant want to hear a 10 year old singing Ed sheeran songs!!

A billion times no! I don't even want to hear my own child singing Ed Sheeran song. Would go as far as to say I don't even want to hear Ed Sheeran singing them!

This made me laugh out loudGrin
RobotValkyrie · 19/04/2022 17:58

She's probably autistic. It's really not that uncommon, and can definitely manifest the way you describe: brilliant, self-centered, socially clueless.

You may want to mention your concerns to her parents.

danni92 · 19/04/2022 17:59

Little girls just tend to be annoying full stop.

UnconditionalSurrender · 19/04/2022 18:02

Honestly 10/11 year old girls- those at the end of primary school are often total pains. In all manner of ways including show offs. I'm pretty sure I wasn't my best self at that age. It generally wears off when they get to High School. Indulgent parents don't help.

Kanaloa · 19/04/2022 18:03

@RobotValkyrie

She's probably autistic. It's really not that uncommon, and can definitely manifest the way you describe: brilliant, self-centered, socially clueless.

You may want to mention your concerns to her parents.

Even if a child is autistic, they still need that social feedback. If my son is yelling out in the cinema I don’t just smile around at everyone like ‘oh he’s autistic, so nothing I can do.’

Her parents aren’t giving that social feedback - they’re allowing her to think everyone thought she was funny and that people should shut up at dinner so she can sing. Surely before trying for a diagnosis it would be helpful for her parents just to say ‘when people are having dinner together that’s not a good time to sing. Perhaps you could sing for us at home tonight.’ Or ‘please be quiet or we’ll have to leave the cinema. Nobody else is shouting because that’s not allowed here.’

Obviously there could be something wrong but it could also very well be that her parents have taught her that this behaviour is acceptable/allowed and she enjoys it, so she continues to do it.

gymbummy · 19/04/2022 18:05

I have a relative who was like this at 10, including the doting, besotted parents. She's now 40 and an absolute prick...

whynotwhatknot · 19/04/2022 18:15

why is it always oh she must have sen

anyone remember that little girl on bgt who broke down during her song and her pushy parents instead of just comforting her begged for her to do it again because she wa so great

your family remind me of that pushy to the point the kid has no self awareness

whynotwhatknot · 19/04/2022 18:17

@Alightjacket

does anyone in a restaurant want to hear a 10 year old singing Ed sheeran songs!!

A billion times no! I don't even want to hear my own child singing Ed Sheeran song. Would go as far as to say I don't even want to hear Ed Sheeran singing them!

Thats really tickled me
DelphiniumBlue · 19/04/2022 18:23

In my experience , absence of embarrassment for behaviour which causes others to cringe can be a signifier of autism. Some of the other behaviour issues you mention could also be flags.
If she is autistic to any degree, it is better for her if you are clear with her about what behaviour is acceptable. You may need to spell out that she is not to shout out in the cinema and that if she does you will have to take her out. She might not care that she is getting adverse attention from other cinema goers, but she needs clear boundaries from you. If she is not autistic, she still needs clear boundaries. I think you need to be firm, but not shouty or unpleasant, just spell out what you are prepared to put up with, and what behaviour will cause you to leave whatever the venue is.

Bignanny30 · 19/04/2022 18:26

This is not normal behaviour for a 10 year old. I think she might have a problem, autism of some kind ?

MrsLargeEmbodied · 19/04/2022 18:28

she sounds great value

CambsAlways · 19/04/2022 18:28

Her parents are at fault here

MeridianB · 19/04/2022 18:29

Sorry OP but her parents sound like they are really driving this. And setting her up for problems in the coming years.

If you can’t speak to them then at least speak up firmly about all the public singing and shouting. It’s so inappropriate.

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