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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my 10 year old niece obnoxious

205 replies

Fawncard · 19/04/2022 15:15

I love my 10 yo niece with all my heart but sometimes I don't like her very much.

I can't really explain it but it's like her personality is a little off. She comes across as very loud and almost arrogant when I know in reality she is actually a very insecure child.
I took her to the cinema at the weekend and during parts of the movie she shouted out unfunny "jokes" I asked her to stop as she was disturbing other patrons but she continued to do it a few times and afterwards I heard her telling her mother (who wasn't with us) how everybody in the cinema was laughing at her jokes Hmm
If we are out for a family meal she will dominate conversation and ask to sing which her parents always shush the adults to allow her to sing (she has a decent singing voice but does anyone in a restaurant want to hear a 10 year old singing Ed sheeran songs!!)
She doesn't have many friends at all and a lot of my friends kids actively dislike her.
She is not my kid so I don't know how I'm supposed to help here? And can you even help if a kids personality is like this? Her parents think she is the best thing since Sliced bread

OP posts:
Original poster
Fawncard · 19/04/2022 16:50

@Fulmine I've been there and I'm ashamed to say i didn't say anything i just cringed and put my face into my menu. Eventually my dad (her grandad) put a stop to it but for weeks afterwards my niece and her mother referred to him as "grumpy grandad" for "ruining the singsong"

OP posts:
Lunalae · 19/04/2022 16:52

@Gagaandgag

She could possibly have ASD
Not every naughty child has ASD. It's not a magic get-out clause for all obnoxious attention-seeking brats with ignorant parents.
Sloth66 · 19/04/2022 16:56

I’ve just had this, but with a 20 year old at his parents house. Rude, disparaging remarks, dismissing other peoples views and comments, dominating the conversation with endless monologues. Really unpleasant and tense . Father is the same .

MargaretThursday · 19/04/2022 16:57

I think @AbsolutelyNebulous has written a good post here.

There may be additional needs, but if Mum is encouraging her, then it's really difficult to tell. From the teachers comments it's not clear she's doing it at school among her friends-what if you ask about friends? Does she have any?

She may be different in school because she doesn't get away with it.

The fact the other children aren't like that may be because she has additional needs and they don't, or simply that they're used to her taking the limelight and don't bother competing.
I know a family where the oldest and youngest are big show offs and the middle four would never say boo to a goose. Oldest was praised to the skies and given lots of opportunities which they then found they couldn't afford to do for the others-but the oldest "had" to continue as they were so good. Then the youngest got more opportunities because they didn't have younger ones to deal with and was definitely, last time I saw her well on the way to a spoilt brat!

oakleaffy · 19/04/2022 16:58

Poor kid.
She sounds like she sets people’s teeth on edge with her showing off.
No one wants to pay for the cinema while a child of Ten ( Or any age) is demanding attention.

She doesn’t sound “ Conventional “ which at Secondary school can make for a very difficult time.
Parents need to rein in the showing off type behaviour.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 19/04/2022 17:00

What sort of joke was she shouting out? (Just curious really)

AbsolutelyNebulous · 19/04/2022 17:01

[quote Fawncard]@Fulmine I've been there and I'm ashamed to say i didn't say anything i just cringed and put my face into my menu. Eventually my dad (her grandad) put a stop to it but for weeks afterwards my niece and her mother referred to him as "grumpy grandad" for "ruining the singsong"[/quote]
See that’s the risk isn’t it? It’s easy to suggest oh you should say this or do that but no matter how polite or diplomatic you are, ultimately you’re chastising someone else’s child and if the parents think the dc is the centre of the universe they won’t take too kindly to it.

In my ninja kicking example earlier I did tactfully mumble something about maybe not the best venue for that to dsis who snapped oh god relax, he’s just enjoying himself. Never mind anyone else wanting to enjoy what they’d paid to attend!

TrashyPanda · 19/04/2022 17:04

It sounds like she is the spoilt darling of the family.

I feel sorry for the other siblings where the eldest is the indulged golden child.

I’d be inclined to take the younger ones out. It must be pretty crap for them. Why not do something special for them instead?

Underhisi · 19/04/2022 17:04

"Not every naughty child has ASD. It's not a magic get-out clause for all obnoxious attention-seeking brats with ignorant parents."

People with experience in this area have said they recognise the behaviours mentioned.
It is interesting that for most symptoms that could indicate a medical condition, people don't say 'it can't be that' and ' don't bother getting it checked out' but for conditions like autism, people think it is reasonable to say that.

Original poster
Fawncard · 19/04/2022 17:08

@Whatsonmymindgrapes I can't even remember i was cringing so hard I think I damaged my brain but the film was Sing2 and most of the "jokes" centred around her having a better singing voice than the gorilla or the pig or whatever.... just shouting out unfunny comments rather than actual jokes but she called them jokes.
I think in her head she wanted people in the cinema to ask her to sing a song.... which I was terrified that she would actually start doing.

OP posts:
Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 17:08

It sounds a very difficult situation. It could well be school have voiced concerns but parents aren’t listening. Red flags for me would be not picking up on verbal cues and no friends.
It sounds as if your parents are on same page and want to genuinely help her.
I’d definitely not hesitate to have a pep talk before going anywhere - what does with mum is irrelevant with me you do x, don’t do y.

NotQuiteUsual · 19/04/2022 17:08

This sounds so much like my 9 year old DD. We don't even indulge it. She just seems to think the only attention is the center of it. She's insecure aswell. It's utterly exhausting, especially trying to help her understand why her interactions with her peers are so unsuccessful.

amusedbush · 19/04/2022 17:08

As always, I will preface this by saying that obviously not everyone is neurodivergent BUT she sounds very like me as a child. I wasn't diagnosed as autistic until I was 31 but as a child I was a precocious, unbearable know-it-all who corrected everyone around me and ran off any friends by being overbearing and bossy. Even now I've been told I make a terrible first impression because my voice has a naturally arrogant/uppity tone, when that couldn't be further from how I am when you get to know me. I'm a very nice person, I just turn into Mr Bean in a social setting Blush

However, her parents really need to try to rein it in instead of insisting that everyone give her rapt attention. If (and it's a big if) she is ND, she won't be able to help a lot of what she does but she can be coached and supported. For example, my urge to interrupt everyone and talk about myself constantly is still present but, for the most part, I can fight it now.

BlingLoving · 19/04/2022 17:09

I don't have any advice but do feel your pain. We have a nephew a bit like this and his parents are completely ineffectual. As a result, we never suggest going out to eat anywhere and we would NEVER take him to the cinema. Very oddly, we have suggested things like trips to local national trusts or whatever but she always says no - I think because she knows he'll be uncontrollable.

Having said that, I do find it a BIT easier when we are looking after him without his parents around because then we can and do tell him if something is not acceptable. eg I absolutely would have spoken firmly to him in the cinema and removed him if necessary.

AnnesBrokenSlate · 19/04/2022 17:09

If she doesn't get out much, she's probably over-excited when she does get to the cinema, out for a meal, etc. Lots of 10-yr-olds can be loud and over-confident. Don't worry puberty and high school usually change everything.
I have a sneaking sympathy for her. Her parents obviously have a different threshold for encouragement and embarrassment than you do.

Original poster
Fawncard · 19/04/2022 17:10

@TrashyPanda I always take the others out I just don't take them all together as 4 is too much for me to handle but I can handle the 3 younger ones in soft play or whatever but I usually take my niece on a different day as she's a bit older.

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 19/04/2022 17:11

Some children are embarrassing, unfortunately (as, of course, are some parents). Your niece will 'get the message' sooner or later. It is a pity her parents don't tell her that this or that is inappropriate - in the case of telling loud jokes in the cinema, rude - but it's possible they do, in private. Many kids get over excited and carried away, showing off etc, but I can assure you, it does not last. They settle down eventually, usually as puberty is approaching and going to 'big school' will make a difference too. You will find that your niece will change, be more laid back, in two or three years. At that time a whole new set of problems may arise but - they may not.

There's nothing you can do anyway, she is your niece, not your daughter. A pizza and a movie at yours sounds great.

(I could tell you about my son singing, "Let's go fly a kite", at the top of his voice on the top of a 'bus once......but I won't).

Villagewaspbyke · 19/04/2022 17:17

I have a god daughter like that. She’s hard work. I think her parents beat some responsibility for not reigning in her obnoxious behavior.

TrashyPanda · 19/04/2022 17:17

Totally get you don’t want to wrangle 4 kids at once!

It just seems that she is the “special” child in the family and maybe needs to be shown that her siblings are just as important.

Original poster
Fawncard · 19/04/2022 17:20

@TrashyPanda that's definitely the case but if I take her with her siblings she is overbearing and bossy towards them so I find taking her separately easier. But then by me taking her on her own it is prob feeding into the narrative that she is the special one.

OP posts:
AskingforaBaskin · 19/04/2022 17:23

What if you told her parents you didn't want to take her out alone due to her poor behaviour?

Dixiechickonhols · 19/04/2022 17:23

What’s the age split. Could you take 2 and 2? You are doing a kind thing as Auntie, it sounds like you do a lot with them.

MrBallLegs · 19/04/2022 17:30

@bookworm14

How depressing that someone assumed this girl must be an only child. Hopefully the fact that she is the eldest of 4 will cause that person to reassess their lazy, stereotypical view of only children.
I agree. My only child would do anything rather than draw attention to herself.
Longcovid21 · 19/04/2022 17:31

Agree she is probably crying out for drama classes. Could you look for a stagecoach drama class near her and offer to get her a trial session. Perhaps she's a natural performer and it just needs to be channeled.

CookPassBabtridge · 19/04/2022 17:32

I'm a support worker and sounds like the kind of thing my clients with autism and learning disabilities do.