To ask MIL not to bring alcohol to my house again?

[dryparty]

Regular poster, NC as this is potentially outing.

DH is an alcoholic, dry now and on the wagon for over 18 months, he's doing amazingly and I'm so proud of him. I have never been a drinker, only really enjoying the odd weak G&T, so was happy to get rid of all the alcohol in our house and stock up on non alcoholic stuff.

DH's sibling is also on the wagon now, much more recently, and also doing amazingly.

Both siblings are from a family that like a drink. I mean, like a drink a lot. As in 'gin o'clock' signs all over the kitchen and start drinking every day at 5pm until you pass out in bed. A very middle class functional alcoholic household, with Prosecco, gin and red wine consumed as opposed to cider and cheap vodka. In their home so I obviously say nothing, not my business.

We had a family party at our home recently and MIL bought a bottle of Prosecco for herself, knowing it would be a dry party and that DH and sibling are on wagon. Nobody said anything but DH did admit it made him feel a bit 'weird and uncomfortable' having alcohol in the house.

I wouldn't turn up at an alcoholic's house with a bottle of booze, even if it was just for me. IDK if I am BU though.

Would I BU to have a polite word and ask MIL not to bring booze round here again?

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.

My brother was an alcoholic and we didn't drink in front of him when he came out of hospital. Later on we'd ask him if he minded, but it was very rare that we did.

@Nillynally

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.

Hence me asking as I'm not sure of the etiquette. I wouldn't take booze round to an alcoholic's home though, would feel wrong to me. Would you?

@tillytoodles1

My brother was an alcoholic and we didn't drink in front of him when he came out of hospital. Later on we'd ask him if he minded, but it was very rare that we did.

I think it's more that it was in our home. He would never expect them to not drink if we were out for a meal or visiting them.

Of course YANBU. Your DH's mother of all people should want to support her son.

I think your just right. Mil knew is wa a dry party and yet still attended with wine etc.. In my mind that shows just how little she cares about boundarys you've set in your own home

I think it's your house and your party and you can do what you like. I'd be explicit with the invite that it's a non-alcoholic party and I'd take it off her at the door if she did it again.

It's unreasonable to expect no one to drink around him but your house your rules. I personally wouldn't take alcohol to someone's party to drink if they weren't providing alcohol- no more than I'd take meat with me to a vegetarians dinner if they weren't providing meat.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think it's your house and your party and you can do what you like. I'd be explicit with the invite that it's a non-alcoholic party and I'd take it off her at the door if she did it again.

It's unreasonable to expect no one to drink around him but your house your rules. I personally wouldn't take alcohol to someone's party to drink if they weren't providing alcohol- no more than I'd take meat with me to a vegetarians dinner if they weren't providing meat.

That's my feeling, I wouldn't either. Ok. I will bring it up, politely, next time we have them over.

It's not like you went to their house and asked them to get rid of their booze.

You can absolutely ask people not to bring alcohol to your house. No one needs alcohol.

You'd think she'd be more concerned about helping them having raised two alcoholics. I'd definitely be questioning my parenting if I was her.

@Gizacluethen

It's not like you went to their house and asked them to get rid of their booze.

You can absolutely ask people not to bring alcohol to your house. No one needs alcohol.

You'd think she'd be more concerned about helping them having raised two alcoholics. I'd definitely be questioning my parenting if I was her.

That's a whooooole separate story I absolutely will not be going into on here!

@Nillynally

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.

I would have no problem attending a dry party if it was at the house of an alcoholic. It would seem obvious to me.

I also wouldn’t go to a barbecue at the house of a vegan with a pack of steaks.

And I wouldn’t turn around at my brother’s house with a pack of peanuts. (Nut allergy.)

Luckily I can have a nice time without Prosecco, steak and peanuts.

Give her the option of not coming if she can't do without alcohol for a few hours. Makes it clear then.

I don't think YABU MIL was using it bringing alcohol into a dry house. She knew two of her children were no longer having alcohol and it was a dry party. She was being unreasonable.
Maybe she's hoping that they would join her back into the days of 5pm drinks until bed.
Friends had a dry wedding, no one batted an eyelid, as everyone knew ahead of time.

I think I’m with you I love a drink but in your circumstance I would refrain.

It's not very supportive. She probably (selfishly) thought she wouldn't have fun without alcohol.
Does she actually believe that he's an alcoholic?

I think that as this is his mother your husband can speak to her if he has an issue. I don’t think you should be doing it.

It sounds like his dm is an alcoholic herself. People who aren’t understand what alcoholism is, why you don’t bring alcohol to the house if a recovering addict, and can face a dry evening.

Expecting an alcoholic to take a moderate response is going to get you nowhere. YANBU to set whatever boundaries you like in your home, but her reaction to that is going to be affected by her relationship with alcohol. She may prefer not to come, or may want to trample those boundaries. You might be better off just not inviting her after him o’clock rather than confronting her.

I’m not advising what you do, just that you be clear that the two of you are not operating from the same perspective. When you’re clear sighted about people, you can save yourself a lot of unnecessary grief.

There’s no point wasting energy wondering why she would choose a bottle of Prosecco over the comfort and well being of her own child - putting the drink before anyone and everything else is precisely the definition of addiction.

Just for a different perspective, my bloke’s a recovering alcoholic who’s been sober for just over 16 months. He’s not bothered about being around alcohol now. We didn’t have it in the house for about six months but we do now. I drink very little but I do now have the odd glass of wine and he’s fine with it.

It’s really the decision of the person who’s directly affected. I wouldn’t dream of making decisions on my husband’s behalf and he wouldn’t want me too.

Congratulations to your guy on his sobriety, by the way. It’s a massive achievement.

I can't say if she's an alcoholic, I know a lot of alcohol is consumed in her home. I know she doesn't think it's a lot.

I just want my DH to feel comfortable in his own home when she's here.

And he would never have a word, because he's petrified of confrontation. I'm happy to speak up for him in this case.

My mil still offers my (alcoholic) DH a glass of wine 🙃

@Nillynally

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.

Of course it's reasonable to expect guests not to drink at your house if that is your preference. It's really rude for a guest to dictate how you cater in your own house.

It is up to the host to decide what type of party they are hosting. It is up to the guest to decide whether to attend.

OP - I wouldn't say anything right now as it will be seen as criticism. However, I would say it when you next invite them and make it very clear it is a no alcohol party. If she still brings a bottle, just appropriate it when she arrives and hide it. Or dump it.

@Katyrosebug

I think your just right. Mil knew is wa a dry party and yet still attended with wine etc.. In my mind that shows just how little she cares about boundarys you've set in your own home

This. Their sobriety probably makes her uncomfortable for two reasons

1. It changes the status quo generally in terms of family dynamics
2. It holds a mirror up to her own problem drinking which she wants to normalise

Your MiL is a problem drinker. This is utterly self centred and inconsiderate behaviour.

I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry

I don't think this is unreasonable at all. If the OP had gone to the in-laws' house, or they'd all gone out for a meal, then of course she couldn't expect them to be dry. But they were guests at the OP's house, and as a guest you accept whatever kind of party is laid on for you.

Bringing a bottle of booze to a household where you know they don't keep alcohol (and have explained the reason for that) is not on. One of my friends sticks to a kosher diet, for example. If we go out for a meal she orders kosher and I order whatever I want - but I wouldn't turn up at her barbecue with a stack of pork sausages and a dozen langoustines just because I happen to like them. I'd accept that I was going to a kosher house and eat what I was given, as a guest in someone else's home.

Oh and I meant to add - massively well done to your DH! Eighteen months sober is brilliant.