To ask MIL not to bring alcohol to my house again?

[dryparty]

Regular poster, NC as this is potentially outing.

DH is an alcoholic, dry now and on the wagon for over 18 months, he's doing amazingly and I'm so proud of him. I have never been a drinker, only really enjoying the odd weak G&T, so was happy to get rid of all the alcohol in our house and stock up on non alcoholic stuff.

DH's sibling is also on the wagon now, much more recently, and also doing amazingly.

Both siblings are from a family that like a drink. I mean, like a drink a lot. As in 'gin o'clock' signs all over the kitchen and start drinking every day at 5pm until you pass out in bed. A very middle class functional alcoholic household, with Prosecco, gin and red wine consumed as opposed to cider and cheap vodka. In their home so I obviously say nothing, not my business.

We had a family party at our home recently and MIL bought a bottle of Prosecco for herself, knowing it would be a dry party and that DH and sibling are on wagon. Nobody said anything but DH did admit it made him feel a bit 'weird and uncomfortable' having alcohol in the house.

I wouldn't turn up at an alcoholic's house with a bottle of booze, even if it was just for me. IDK if I am BU though.

Would I BU to have a polite word and ask MIL not to bring booze round here again?

@Nillynally

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.

That's such a blinkered attitude. You have to work at being dry every day & other people need to support, especially your own family. Horrible of his mother to bring alcohol to your house.

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald has it. In fairness she's probably an alcoholic herself so not looking at it objectively, or with rose tinted glasses or in denial. She's only thinking of herself and her alcohol- her sons don't factor in to the decision. Nonetheless in your house you can assert your boundaries.

he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself
Not in his own house, he doesn't. MIL was crass and thoughtless, and if she was unable to come to a party and not abstain herself, I'd be wondering about her own drinking habits.

If I had been invited to someone's house that I knew was an alcoholic, it wouldn't even cross my mind to bring drink for just me - that's bonkers! As a PP has said, it's akin to bringing meat to a vegetarian's house, but on a far, far worse scale.

It definitely says a lot about your MIL OP - if she can't even go one evening without a drink for your DH's sake, then it shows her in a very poor light (understatement).

I agree with others - next time (if there is a next time), make it clear (again) that it's a dry party and if she turns up with booze give her two choices: 1) she can leave the bottle outside; or 2) she can go home and drink it alone.

@dryparty

I can't say if she's an alcoholic, I know a lot of alcohol is consumed in her home. I know she doesn't think it's a lot.

I just want my DH to feel comfortable in his own home when she's here.

And he would never have a word, because he's petrified of confrontation. I'm happy to speak up for him in this case.

Well done to your DH on his sobriety.

Is he having or considering and further professional emotional support to address his issues around assertion and fear of conflict? Because the deep root of this might well be why he reached for alcohol as a coping mechanism.

Have you done any work with Al Anon or had any professional emotional support yourself?

I see an issue with you stepping in to protect him and fight his battles (if there even was an issue for him) with his own mother whether there is alcohol involved or not.

I understand your intent but it might be inadvertently unhelpful and disproportionate.

Anyone in recovery needs to have their own agency and authenticity to deal with their own challenges directly as this will reinforce their growth and resolve. You may have inadvertently taken this opportunity away from him.

Please don’t take this as a criticism of you (I have walked your shoes) but just something to consider. I don’t think it’s an accident that people with addiction issues team up with and become reliant on others who are overly competent and potentially controlling.

I understand your anxiety but I wonder how it would have been to allow him to make decisions about alcohol in his home and boundary pushing by his own mother? I think you stepping in might be giving you an illusion of control - when we know with addiction it is 100% down to the person in recovery.

In an ideal world a mother would support her son….but you describe her as an alcoholic so you are setting her up to fail thinking she is going to not drink. When my husband gave up smoking I was upset that his brother still smoked around him - but hubby explained he is going to be exposed to cigarette smoke from other people and that’s life and he had to just get on with it rather than expecting others to tip toe around him.

We have a dry house. I’m 12 years sober. We don’t allow any alcohol in our house, at all, we have a dd aged 19 and she’s welcome to drink when she’s out but we don’t allow any back at the house and she’s accepting of that. I think you are perfectly reasonable to say no - your house, your rules and it sounds like they could all do with drinking less!

My DH struggled with alcohol addiction in his teens and early 20s.

PIL are well aware of this, they went through all the shit with him while he lived at home with them. This was pre me.

20 years on and he's well under control now. But STILL MIL bangs on about him having a drink for his birthday, having a drink because he deserves it, having a drink to relax, having a drink because everyone's here, having a bloody drink because there's a Y in the day.

My eyes roll so hard it hurts. SHUT UP about fucking alcohol MIL.

She could have brought a bottle of Nosecco, or zero % beers, I would be ropeable.

So ... YANBU, tell her no booze next time please.

Well done to your dh for abstaining for so long.

Does he go to AA or another support group where he can discuss how people stay on the wagon and if 18 months on totally avoiding being even in the same house as alcohol or learning to deal with that situation is the best most successful strategy longterm?

I would never take an alcoholic drink to a house where I knew people didn't drink, for any reason, unless they specifically told me it was OK.

Having had an alcoholic in the family I'm firmly in the 'you need to learn how to deal with drinking being a normal part of life for most people' camp. However, this means not expecting others to be sober on shared meals in restaurants etc. Expecting your own home to be a safe space can only be a good thing. I'd be having firm words with her.

Firstly starting drinking everyday at 5 and drinking until you pass out in bed isn't just "likes to drink" that's behaviour of a functional alcoholic.

Secondly it's weird bringing alcohol to a party if you know the host is a recovering alcoholic. She sounds very toxic to be honest and I think the whole family have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. I think you should definitely voice that you don't want her to bring alcohol in your house ever again and if she turns up with it again she should be either asked to put it back in the car or leave

@DisforDarkChocolate

I would never take an alcoholic drink to a house where I knew people didn't drink, for any reason, unless they specifically told me it was OK.

Having had an alcoholic in the family I'm firmly in the 'you need to learn how to deal with drinking being a normal part of life for most people' camp. However, this means not expecting others to be sober on shared meals in restaurants etc. Expecting your own home to be a safe space can only be a good thing. I'd be having firm words with her.

Yes, exactly.

In his own home.

And honestly for me (with DH for 15+ years now) 18 months (OPs DH's case) seems quite a short space of time with regards to recovering from alcohol addiction. He's just beginning really.

I'm no expert about anything, except DH, but i do know they say a person with alcohol addiction is never cured - they learn to control. Time reinforces good habits. Hopefully.

It's been years now for DH. He can have the occasional drink and leave it at one or two. But in the face of his mother's insistence that he must drink to have fun i can see in his eyes how he still feels his old mindset deep down, right then and there.

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I think it's your house and your party and you can do what you like. I'd be explicit with the invite that it's a non-alcoholic party and I'd take it off her at the door if she did it again.

It's unreasonable to expect no one to drink around him but your house your rules. I personally wouldn't take alcohol to someone's party to drink if they weren't providing alcohol- no more than I'd take meat with me to a vegetarians dinner if they weren't providing meat.

This!!!

Although prepare to have to be very firm.

DMIL was asked by her son not to bring alcohol to the house because he was struggling with his relationship with alcohol and had stopped drinking.

She said no. He tried again and she explained how much she enjoys a glass of wine with her meal and may not come as often if she couldn't bring it. She then carried on bringing it and offering it around.

DSIL asked her to stop bringing it and she agreed straight away, then "forgot" until DSIL burst into tears one day then she finally remembered....

So prepare to being a dripping tap

@ParisHarris

Of course YANBU. Your DH's mother of all people should want to support her son.

^ This

I drink. I’d want to drink at a party, but I absolutely wouldn’t in this circumstance.

Your house , your rules. My self and dp don't drink , no issues with alcohol ourselves but my sibling is an alcoholic and I wouldn't allow anyone to bring drink into my house. If people don't like that then they aren't welcome in my home.

Hugely shitty thing to do. She sounds like she has her own issues with alcohol.

Even in the throws of my alcoholism I attended parties where I knew there would be no alcohol. Through choice not other alcoholics.

Ppl saying you have to learn to live with it, yes you certainly do. I've been to a few weddings, and plenty of other occasions. It honestly hasn't bothered me. But your DH should feel comfortable in his own home and those are your rules.

My DH wouldn't have let my mum in with a bottle of wine.

@andweallsingalong do you feel as if the MILs relationship with alcohol affected (caused if you like) your BILs problems with alcohol?

Because after being around them all for years now i clearly see how alcohol centric DHs mother is. In a much more subtle way than OPs MIL, but it's there. She's in her 70s now. Two of her sons, in fact, have struggled/are struggling with alcohol.

MIL was outrageously out of order bringing booze to a dry alcoholic's home, her own SON. She should be called out by the whole family, loud and hard, NEVER to do that again.

I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry
Just the opposite. Others are being unreasonable if they think it isn't a party unless there is alcohol flowing! I wish your DH and his brother many years of health and sobriety.

Your house, your rules. It's fine to say 'this is a dry house'. She can drink later if she must.

You’re well within your rights to tell her to not do that again- it really isn’t on. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t “get it” though. I know so many who just refuse to get it through their heads.

Your DH is doing brilliantly, I imagine you're really proud of him. And the last thing he needs is anyone making it harder on him than it no doubt already is. All alcoholics have to come to terms eventually about being in social situations where there is alcohol on the table. But the difference is people choose to put themselves in those social situations. In your own home you should be comfortable and safe. And anyone coming through the door should respect your house rules if they want to be welcomed.

I do want to echo what another poster said though, your DH is making good steps in his recovery, but he may well want to think about some therapy or coaching to help him grow his assertiveness and to explore the relationship between that and his alcoholism, when he feels ready to do so (no point putting his recovery at risk by trying to do too much at once or going over painful stuff before he is ready for it). Hopefully in time that would further strengthen his recovery, and help him to deal with his spectacularly unhelpful mother.

He can have the occasional drink and leave it at one or two

In which case he’s not an alcoholic. For an alcoholic “one drink is too many and 1,000 drinks aren’t enough”.