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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL not to bring alcohol to my house again?

155 replies

dryparty · 19/04/2022 13:10

Regular poster, NC as this is potentially outing.

DH is an alcoholic, dry now and on the wagon for over 18 months, he's doing amazingly and I'm so proud of him. I have never been a drinker, only really enjoying the odd weak G&T, so was happy to get rid of all the alcohol in our house and stock up on non alcoholic stuff.

DH's sibling is also on the wagon now, much more recently, and also doing amazingly.

Both siblings are from a family that like a drink. I mean, like a drink a lot. As in 'gin o'clock' signs all over the kitchen and start drinking every day at 5pm until you pass out in bed. A very middle class functional alcoholic household, with Prosecco, gin and red wine consumed as opposed to cider and cheap vodka. In their home so I obviously say nothing, not my business.

We had a family party at our home recently and MIL bought a bottle of Prosecco for herself, knowing it would be a dry party and that DH and sibling are on wagon. Nobody said anything but DH did admit it made him feel a bit 'weird and uncomfortable' having alcohol in the house.

I wouldn't turn up at an alcoholic's house with a bottle of booze, even if it was just for me. IDK if I am BU though.

Would I BU to have a polite word and ask MIL not to bring booze round here again?

OP posts:
cattreatsanddragrace · 19/04/2022 15:00

Its a weird one. I'm an alcoholic and have been dry for around 18 months also. At the beginning I would have very much not wanted booze in my house. I found it extremely difficult to have alcohol around and not want to drink it.
Recently moved house, had a house warming party. I didn't tell friends it would be a dry party, but they all know me and know I don't drink. A friend bought a bottle for themselves to drink and it didn't bother me at all. I was glad I didn't have to think about it but they could still enjoy themselves. So I don't know, just another perspective for you.

ihavealife1 · 19/04/2022 15:04

You can ask her not to, but it seems a bit OTT to me.

She wants to drink some prosecco at a party.

I don't think you should regulate someone else's drinking.

SoupDragon · 19/04/2022 15:05

It may be that in the future he'll be in the right place that people drinking in his home won't bother him. He's obviously not there yet so I don't think it's at all unreasonable to ask people not to bring alcohol into the house.

Vsirbdo · 19/04/2022 15:08

Totally reasonable and odd that she can’t go without but based on what you say she most likely has a problem too

Momicrone · 19/04/2022 15:08

I know several recovering alcoholics who don't mind having drink around, I wouldn't feel comfortable policing others drinking habits but then I probably wouldn't have a party if I was in the early stages of being dry

Laiste · 19/04/2022 15:10

@Blossomtoes

He can have the occasional drink and leave it at one or two

In which case he’s not an alcoholic. For an alcoholic “one drink is too many and 1,000 drinks aren’t enough”.

I didn't say my DH was an alcoholic. I said he struggled with alcohol addiction in his teens/20s.

What good is nit picking about labels?

Laiste · 19/04/2022 15:14

Lots of posters forgetting OP said:

''DH did admit it made him feel a bit 'weird and uncomfortable' having alcohol in the house.''

It's not just 'a' party. It's not about how we think we might feel, or our uncle's cleaner's husband ect. It's about OP's DH in his own home hoping his mother might leave the booze at home for that evening for his sake.

Blossomtoes · 19/04/2022 15:16

It’s not nitpicking @Laiste. Those labels are important and it’s even more important to understand the implications of addiction. Recovering from substance or alcohol addiction means you can never touch those things again. They’re poison. It’s spectacularly unhelpful for addicts to hear stories about people who claim to have beaten an addiction then gone on to use drugs or alcohol in moderation. Moderation is an alien concept to an addict.

EveningOverRooftops · 19/04/2022 15:20

Your husband needs to know your house is. A retreat and a safe place so to speak. That if it’s a bad day, going home there’s no temptation.

Next time make it clear on invites - send paper or email invites if you must so it can’t be argued you never set that boundary- that your home is alcohol free. Remind people no booze but you will provide plenty of soft drinks and copious tea and coffee.

If anyone refuses to comply you need to be firm and ask them to leave.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/04/2022 15:21

It's very different taking your own booze if your friends/family just don't drink but I wouldn't dream of taking booze into an alcoholic's house.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/04/2022 15:22

Sorry, in answer to your question YANBU and there should be no temptation at all in his own house.

dollymuchymuchness · 19/04/2022 15:23

@ParisHarris

Of course YANBU. Your DH's mother of all people should want to support her son.
This 100% ^
C8H10N4O2 · 19/04/2022 15:27

YANBU to keep your own home alcohol free. If people can't cope with a dry party or supper, especially knowing the host keeps an alcohol free home then I'd question the friendship.

Outside the home then yes, he will need to find ways of coping. For some alcoholics a dry home is a safe space and needs to be.

oliviastwisted · 19/04/2022 15:27

I agree with you OP. My cousin and her partner both recovering alcoholics (one sober 20 years one 2 years) came to stay in my home on a Saturday night. Typically on Saturday I crack open a bottle of wine and have a glass but in my own home I wouldn’t dream of having a glass of wine in front of two recovering alcoholics not to mind bringing alcohol to their house. That is not okay.

HoppingPavlova · 19/04/2022 15:34

I think she is very strange. If it were one of my kids, I’d do all I could to support them. I like a drink as much as the next person, but if my child was a recovering alcoholic I wouldn’t be taking alcohol over to their house and drinking it, nor would I order it if at a restaurant with them. I realise alcoholics must get used to coping with others drinking but if it’s your child you would want to do whatever you could to assist/support them, surely?

Thehundredthnamechange · 19/04/2022 15:38

@Laptopsandmouses

I think that as this is his mother your husband can speak to her if he has an issue. I don’t think you should be doing it.
This
Drinkingallthewine · 19/04/2022 15:39

It made your DP uncomfortable in his own home - that's enough reason really to enforce a dry house and be firm to the point of rudeness with anyone who ignores that.

Not quite the same but I gave up smoking 18 years ago. The other night I even had a dream that I was still smoking and had never really stopped, so the addiction is still there and one puff will have me back buying a full pack a day. I can be around DP or others smoking when out, or in other people's homes, but I prefer my own home to be smoke free. In the first few years I probably would not have felt comfortable with DPs cigarettes lying around, and may have been tempted to smoke again if I had but with time I'm fine with seeing a packet on a shelf and it not even cross my mind to light one up. But that progress with any addiction takes time to build up.

Your DH knows he'll have to be around drinkers and alcohol and be on his guard not to succumb. Right now he deserves that his home be safe from that temptation so he doesn't have to obsess over his addiction. In time he'll take people having a drink beside him in his stride but for now, he needs that practical support.

Momijin · 19/04/2022 15:41

She should support them but she obviously has issues with alcohol

ArcheryAnnie · 19/04/2022 15:43

I think it's fine to be clear with your ILs - and anyone else - that yours is a dry house, and that any alcohol that makes its way in through the front door will shortly be leaving the house again, via the kitchen sink plughole.

Original poster
dryparty · 19/04/2022 15:44

@ihavealife1

You can ask her not to, but it seems a bit OTT to me.

She wants to drink some prosecco at a party.

I don't think you should regulate someone else's drinking.

Alone. She wants to drink it alone. Because nobody else was joining her.
OP posts:
Fundays12 · 19/04/2022 15:46

Your not unreasonable at all. I wouldn't be happy with this either. It sounds like DH family including his mother have a drink problem. It's not normal to drink yourself into oblivion everyday from 5pm and it's certainly not social drinking.

Original poster
dryparty · 19/04/2022 15:47

@TheBatKeeper

She could have brought a bottle of Nosecco, or zero % beers, I would be ropeable.
I bought very expensive Oddbird Spumante. It just had the alcohol taken out,
OP posts:
Hydrangeatea · 19/04/2022 15:47

I gave up drinking 16 months ago, my choice entirely.

I wouldn't expect everyone in my house to stop drinking or not have drink in the house and I wouldn't expect anyone coming to my house to not drink. I really don't see why everyone around me should be affected by my personal choices.

Original poster
dryparty · 19/04/2022 15:49

@Hydrangeatea

I gave up drinking 16 months ago, my choice entirely.

I wouldn't expect everyone in my house to stop drinking or not have drink in the house and I wouldn't expect anyone coming to my house to not drink. I really don't see why everyone around me should be affected by my personal choices.

Are you an alcoholic though?
OP posts:
RomansTheyGoTheHouse · 19/04/2022 15:51

I love my family and want them to be happy and well. They could ask me to only stand on one leg whilst tickling my own tummy when in their house - and if it was going to help them achieve the 'happy and well' goal, I'd be delighted to.

Regardless of whether it's objectively right or wrong to ask someone not to bring booze - it's such a small ask that it is as easy to comply as not to. (Unless not drinking for a few hours is something you struggle to do.)

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