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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL not to bring alcohol to my house again?

155 replies

dryparty · 19/04/2022 13:10

Regular poster, NC as this is potentially outing.

DH is an alcoholic, dry now and on the wagon for over 18 months, he's doing amazingly and I'm so proud of him. I have never been a drinker, only really enjoying the odd weak G&T, so was happy to get rid of all the alcohol in our house and stock up on non alcoholic stuff.

DH's sibling is also on the wagon now, much more recently, and also doing amazingly.

Both siblings are from a family that like a drink. I mean, like a drink a lot. As in 'gin o'clock' signs all over the kitchen and start drinking every day at 5pm until you pass out in bed. A very middle class functional alcoholic household, with Prosecco, gin and red wine consumed as opposed to cider and cheap vodka. In their home so I obviously say nothing, not my business.

We had a family party at our home recently and MIL bought a bottle of Prosecco for herself, knowing it would be a dry party and that DH and sibling are on wagon. Nobody said anything but DH did admit it made him feel a bit 'weird and uncomfortable' having alcohol in the house.

I wouldn't turn up at an alcoholic's house with a bottle of booze, even if it was just for me. IDK if I am BU though.

Would I BU to have a polite word and ask MIL not to bring booze round here again?

OP posts:
WarmSausageTea · 19/04/2022 15:53

I wouldn’t expect to drink alcohol in the home of a recovering alcoholic, just as I wouldn’t expect meat/dairy in the home of a vegetarian or vegan home.

If I couldn’t deal with skipping alcohol for one evening/weekend, I’d be having a long, hard look at myself.

Original poster
dryparty · 19/04/2022 15:53

I've just remembered a time she visited before and we had no wine in the house, just a regular weeknight, she schlepped to Tesco to get a bottle of Prosecco 'Well I'm on holiday' 😬

OP posts:
Popopopo · 19/04/2022 15:55

Yanbu, I wouldn't invite her next time.

I've never understood why people get so funny about alcohol, one night out without it surely isn't a big deal?

Dancer47 · 19/04/2022 15:55

YANBU at all. His mother obviously can't get through any social occasion without wine, so she brought it for herself - sad. selfish nasty cow.
Be aware that people will try to sabotage your husband's tremendous achievement. Crabs in a bucket. Heavy drinkers don't like it when other people stop doing it. Your MIL is a crab trying to pull her son down.
I have a dry house. In one year, I went to four funerals of university friends between the ages of 40 and 45 who had died awful deaths from alcoholism. They all had little kids and great jobs. The binge drinking years at university carried on, like they do for so many.

You do right to protect your DH - he would do the same for you in a similar circumstance, I'm sure.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 19/04/2022 15:56

I am a non smoker and I don't allow people to smoke in my house. Same rule applies for you and alcohol. You could choose to have it in your house, but you are in no way obliged to have it there out of some bizarre motion of politeness and inclusivity. People can set these boundaries for their own homes. When did drinking alcohol become some kind of human right that everyone else has to facilitate?

Marvellousmadness · 19/04/2022 16:09

Yabu
Dont have a "nice wors" with her!
Just tell her to never bring booze again and make yourself 100% clear on it .
What a cow

Marvellousmadness · 19/04/2022 16:10

Nice word *

HangingOver · 19/04/2022 16:16

I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself

18 months is very, very early recovery. OP....you are totally right to help him to prioritise his sobriety. My DP is the same and it's made sober life not just bearable but actually joyful. He will probably be ok with guests drinking in his house one day but thats not today and that is completely fine. It's good to have the house as a safe space. I'm nearly two years in and it's ok with me now as long as being don't get smashed and they take it with them when they leave.

Sistanotcista · 19/04/2022 16:18

As so many other posters have said, YANBU at all, and the only explanation ever required is, “My house, my rules.”

LovelyIssues · 19/04/2022 16:21

No, your DH needs to accept others will drink around him.

LovelyIssues · 19/04/2022 16:22

And I don't necessarily mean that's supportive of them OP. I wouldn't knowing someone I was seeing was a recovering alcoholic. But not everyone is as thoughtful, this is something he will now come across and simply habe to deal with.

SisterRuth · 19/04/2022 16:24

@Laptopsandmouses

I think that as this is his mother your husband can speak to her if he has an issue. I don’t think you should be doing it.
Exactly! His (recovering) alcoholism, his mother, his house too. Why is it up to you to talk to her about it?
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 19/04/2022 16:24

I think YABU. It's not like she's trying to encourage anybody else to drink. I think the main question you should ask yourself is, how would I feel if my mum wanted a glass of wine here? If the answer is that it wouldn't bother you, then you've got a problem with your MIL, not with her wine.

Riverlee · 19/04/2022 16:25

Knowing it was a dry party, and her son is a recovering alcoholic, she is bang out of order. Make it clear that she’s not to do this again, and if she does, you’ll pour it down the sink!

HangingOver · 19/04/2022 16:25

But not everyone is as thoughtful, this is something he will now come across and simply habe to deal with

Not in his own home. It's important to have at least one place where alcohol won't unexpectedly pop up, if that's what he needs. It can feel like you're under constant assault when you're out the house, especially in summer or at bloody Christmas.

Riverlee · 19/04/2022 16:26

@LovelyIssues

No, your DH needs to accept others will drink around him.
Fair enough, except it was in their own house. Different in a pub or restaurant situation.
Princetopple · 19/04/2022 16:27

I think it's perfectly reasonable to dictate that there will be no alcohol in your own home. And if she doesn't like that, she can choose not to attend. And no, I wouldn't take a bottle of alcohol to the home of a recovering alcoholic.

diddl · 19/04/2022 16:28

Why do people think that a party must include alcohol?

TurquoiseSwirl · 19/04/2022 16:28

@Nillynally

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.
Nope, your house your rules. Of course people are capable of not drinking. Just the same as if I went to a vegans house I would expect to eat vegan food
MaudieandMe · 19/04/2022 16:30

@LovelyIssues

No, your DH needs to accept others will drink around him.
Bollocks to that. Would you say the same about smoking?

There is no need for anyone to drink alcohol ever. If I chose to host a dry party, I'd expect all my guests to respect that or choose not to attend.

OP, I think you need to be very firm with your MIL and tell her she can only come to yours if she's willing to leave the booze at home.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 19/04/2022 16:30

If your MIL is so dependent on alcohol that she can't even be without it a a family get-together, then that is her problem.

If saying that you don't allow alcohol in the house means she won't come over as much, that sounds like a plus.

Well done to your DH.

SleepingStandingUp · 19/04/2022 16:31

It's his home. If he wants a dry home, absolutely tell people no alcohol. If they say they're not coming unless they can drink, that's their choice.

Heyisforhorses · 19/04/2022 16:32

@ParisHarris

Of course YANBU. Your DH's mother of all people should want to support her son.
You saved me typing it! If his mam won't understand then I wouldn't invite her to parties, just lunch etc.
HikingforScenery · 19/04/2022 16:34

Of course yanbu.
It’s surprising the mother didn’t think about it herself. Sounds like an alcoholic herself

Hydrangeatea · 19/04/2022 16:35

I don't like the term alcoholic.

I drank every day and it was a problem for me so I decided to give up. I still don't expect everyone around me to change their ways to accommodate my choices. Alcohol is literally everywhere, there are triggers all day every day, we have to live with those triggers.