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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask MIL not to bring alcohol to my house again?

155 replies

dryparty · 19/04/2022 13:10

Regular poster, NC as this is potentially outing.

DH is an alcoholic, dry now and on the wagon for over 18 months, he's doing amazingly and I'm so proud of him. I have never been a drinker, only really enjoying the odd weak G&T, so was happy to get rid of all the alcohol in our house and stock up on non alcoholic stuff.

DH's sibling is also on the wagon now, much more recently, and also doing amazingly.

Both siblings are from a family that like a drink. I mean, like a drink a lot. As in 'gin o'clock' signs all over the kitchen and start drinking every day at 5pm until you pass out in bed. A very middle class functional alcoholic household, with Prosecco, gin and red wine consumed as opposed to cider and cheap vodka. In their home so I obviously say nothing, not my business.

We had a family party at our home recently and MIL bought a bottle of Prosecco for herself, knowing it would be a dry party and that DH and sibling are on wagon. Nobody said anything but DH did admit it made him feel a bit 'weird and uncomfortable' having alcohol in the house.

I wouldn't turn up at an alcoholic's house with a bottle of booze, even if it was just for me. IDK if I am BU though.

Would I BU to have a polite word and ask MIL not to bring booze round here again?

OP posts:
Diagnosticdigressions · 19/04/2022 17:08

Congrats to your DH and his DB on their sobriety. YANBU - she almost certainly has her own issues with alcohol.

Butchyrestingface · 19/04/2022 17:09

YANBU to expect to be able to host a dry party in your own house (suspect the numbers might be low but happy to be proven wrong).

YABU if you do not state that explicitly at the time of invitation.

I loathe the taste of alcohol and would have no problem abstaining for the rest of my life but know plenty of people who just wouldn't come in those circumstances. Sad

Sugarandspice213 · 19/04/2022 17:10

@ParisHarris

Of course YANBU. Your DH's mother of all people should want to support her son.
She’s part of the problem
Haggisfish3 · 19/04/2022 17:11

@Hydrangeatea could you dm me the details please? Thank you!

Phobiaphobic · 19/04/2022 17:14

Your MIL has a drink problem herself. That's why alcohol has a higher priority than her son's welfare. This is not an etiquette issue, it's a boundaries issue.

jytdtysrht · 19/04/2022 17:17

I think I’d tell him to be blunt himself.

“Mum I’m an alcoholic - please don’t bring alcohol to our house”. He ought to say it straight to her.

gogohm · 19/04/2022 17:22

Did you explicitly ask her not to bring alcohol? If not, her bringing it is rude quite frankly but she can claim not to have realised Hmm Completely reasonable to ask her next time not to bring alcohol to your house

Eastereasy · 19/04/2022 17:23

Hmm. My DM sounds similar to your MIL. You are talking to the wall here.

Just either don’t have her over or if you do just leave her drink and walk away from her. She sounds like an alcoholic who hasn’t realised it yet and she won’t take kindly to be told she can’t have a drink

Kate0902900908 · 19/04/2022 17:23

YOU ARE 100% NBU your husband is a recovering alcoholic and his mother is a dick! ..
wtf is she thinking you have said it’s a dry party!
And obviously even if you didn’t she should 1. Know not to bring alcohol and 2. Not want to it’s her son and she should want to support him!
I think she is just selfish.

ChateauMargaux · 19/04/2022 17:25

Your husband should feel comfortable in his own home so if he feels it should be an alcohol free space, then in order to protect his sobriety, that should be maintained. Tell your MIL that your house is an alcohol free space and that you would like her to respect that.

livinthedream1995 · 19/04/2022 17:30

YANBU.

He can’t avoid alcohol everywhere no, but he certainly should be able to avoid it in his own home.

Original poster
dryparty · 19/04/2022 17:39

@HangingOver

The first step to recovery is recognition of your illness

Many people don't follow the illness model. If AA works for you then good stuff but many people find other approaches better for them.

He's having very expensive weekly therapy and that's working for him, but thanks anyway
OP posts:
Jaxhog · 19/04/2022 17:44

She was extremely rude and disrespectful. It does rather suggest that she has an alcohol problem if she can't get through an evening without it.

Blossomtoes · 19/04/2022 17:46

You don't know very much about alcohol dependancy and the new ideas of dealing with it and quitting. I can recommend some good books, support groups etc if you're interested

I know as much as I need to. My bloke’s doing just fine.

AA is a VERY outdated support group that isn't followed by many as is recognised as not really helping people in the long term

It has a history of success coveting 90 years in many countries. Well established doesn’t mean outdated. It’s proven to work for those who choose its path.

Suggest you read up on things a bit more before giving "advice"

Ditto.

Itsbackagain · 19/04/2022 17:58

@Nillynally

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.
Really? In their own house? Perhaps you need to look at your own intake.....
Itsbackagain · 19/04/2022 18:00

Anyone who can't attend a dry party without alcohol has issues of their own with it..I would simply tell her not to bring alcohol - a request won't work

5zeds · 19/04/2022 18:05

Explain she’s welcome but alcohol isn’t so if she needs to drink then she will need to go somewhere else. It’s totally reasonable and outrageous that she can’t behave herself. Say “no” and if she tantrums remove her. Utterly infuriating and unhelpful behaviour.

Clymene · 19/04/2022 18:05

I wouldn't take alcohol to a recovered alcoholic's house, no. I would expect them not to mind if there was alcohol in my house if they visited but it's up to them if they come or not.

It doesn't sound like she's supportive of her children giving up drinking.

Onlyhuman123 · 19/04/2022 18:09

Prob best to leave it for now but when you next have a party and MIL is invited, just mention that it's a dry party.

Hydrangeatea · 19/04/2022 18:18

@Blossomtoes

You don't know very much about alcohol dependancy and the new ideas of dealing with it and quitting. I can recommend some good books, support groups etc if you're interested

I know as much as I need to. My bloke’s doing just fine.

AA is a VERY outdated support group that isn't followed by many as is recognised as not really helping people in the long term

It has a history of success coveting 90 years in many countries. Well established doesn’t mean outdated. It’s proven to work for those who choose its path.

Suggest you read up on things a bit more before giving "advice"

Ditto.

Jolly good, glad it is working for him.

AA has a high failure rate, glad it has worked for your partner but it's not a statement of fact to say it has proven to work for those who choose its path. Many fail sadly and that's why new ways of thinking are picking up a lot of people who find a different mindset and structure helpful in their journey.

I take it there is no personal need for you to be defensive about AA? Guessing you didn't invent it?

Blossomtoes · 19/04/2022 18:26

I take it there is no personal need for you to be defensive about AA?Guessing you didn't invent it?

The only personal interest I have in it is living with someone who says he owes it his sobriety. It’s not defensiveness, it’s objecting to your derision.

I’m well aware that far more people read than post here and I think it’s wrong to decry a successful route to sobriety which might deter an alcoholic seeking sobriety from exploring it. I’m genuinely very pleased the road you’ve taken is working for you, AA has worked for my husband. Neither is right or wrong, it’s horses for courses.

Laiste · 19/04/2022 18:30

@Blossomtoes

It’s not nitpicking *@Laiste*. Those labels are important and it’s even more important to understand the implications of addiction. Recovering from substance or alcohol addiction means you can never touch those things again. They’re poison. It’s spectacularly unhelpful for addicts to hear stories about people who claim to have beaten an addiction then gone on to use drugs or alcohol in moderation. Moderation is an alien concept to an addict.
DH had a big problem with drinking large amounts of alcohol every day for a number of years.

It took him a long time, but he managed to beat his problem and for the last 10+ years has managed to chose to have one or two drinks at social gatherings with no problems.

I'm sorry if DHs real life experience is 'unhelpful' by not conforming to your rigid ideas.

EinsteinaGogo · 19/04/2022 18:44

How was the party explained to your MIL, OP?

Blah1881 · 19/04/2022 18:46

@Hydrangeatea

I don't like the term alcoholic.

I drank every day and it was a problem for me so I decided to give up. I still don't expect everyone around me to change their ways to accommodate my choices. Alcohol is literally everywhere, there are triggers all day every day, we have to live with those triggers.

You may not like the term, but speaking as someone whose husband is 3 years sober, I can confirm that alcoholism is 100% ‘a thing’. Every alcoholic is the same, and every family of an alcoholic shares the same story. The chaos, the terror, the shame, the lies- it’s always the same. That’s why AA works so well. My husband has found ‘his people’ there. OP your MIL is either an alcoholic or deeply ignorant. Some people just don’t get it. I am not an alcoholic despite having previously every day for 20 years. I was dependent, but I wasn’t an alcoholic, which is why I easily stopped drinking 6 years ago and haven’t since. I wasn’t impressed when on Christmas Day my mother gave my 15 year old daughter a glass of Buck’s Fizz (her first alcohol) without asking me or my husband first. I found that very odd.
OatmilkandCookies · 19/04/2022 18:51

@Nillynally

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.
If this happened at a wedding or even a party at someone else's house I think you'd have a point, but in his own home he does not need to get used to people drinking around him if he's having a party.