To ask MIL not to bring alcohol to my house again?

[dryparty]

Regular poster, NC as this is potentially outing.

DH is an alcoholic, dry now and on the wagon for over 18 months, he's doing amazingly and I'm so proud of him. I have never been a drinker, only really enjoying the odd weak G&T, so was happy to get rid of all the alcohol in our house and stock up on non alcoholic stuff.

DH's sibling is also on the wagon now, much more recently, and also doing amazingly.

Both siblings are from a family that like a drink. I mean, like a drink a lot. As in 'gin o'clock' signs all over the kitchen and start drinking every day at 5pm until you pass out in bed. A very middle class functional alcoholic household, with Prosecco, gin and red wine consumed as opposed to cider and cheap vodka. In their home so I obviously say nothing, not my business.

We had a family party at our home recently and MIL bought a bottle of Prosecco for herself, knowing it would be a dry party and that DH and sibling are on wagon. Nobody said anything but DH did admit it made him feel a bit 'weird and uncomfortable' having alcohol in the house.

I wouldn't turn up at an alcoholic's house with a bottle of booze, even if it was just for me. IDK if I am BU though.

Would I BU to have a polite word and ask MIL not to bring booze round here again?

@LovelyIssues

No, your DH needs to accept others will drink around him.

Not in his own home he doesn't. And OP explained that he doesn't expect it when he is out. It really does help to use the See All function.

When you live with, share time with a recovering alcoholic THEY make the decisions about their own home. Anyone else can piss off with any holier than thou "Learn to manage it, my son" bollocks. Never heard anything so bloody stupid!

I don't like the term alcoholic

Owning it is a fundamental part of recovery for an addict. That’s why everyone at AA meetings starts by saying “I’m X, I’m an alcoholic”. The first step to recovery is recognition of your illness.

@LovelyIssues

No, your DH needs to accept others will drink around him.

Agreed

I think YABU. It's not like she's trying to encourage anybody else to drink. I think the main question you should ask yourself is, how would I feel if my mum wanted a glass of wine here? If the answer is that it wouldn't bother you, then you've got a problem with your MIL, not with her wine.

Doesn’t matter what MIL is trying to do. Her son has chosen not to drink and she knows that. It is his and OP’s home, not hers, and they are allowed to dictate what can and cannot be in their home.

Would you walk into someone’s home with something you knew they were against, no. That’s not only rude, but entitled.

We normalise alcohol consumption so much that even when an addict tells you that they would like their own home to be free of alcohol to stay sober they get ignored by people who's own dependency is such that they can't abstain for a few hours?

Would we say to someone who no longer smokes that they need to just STFU and let their guest smoke in their living room?

Would we say to a recovering heroin addict that they should STFU about the heroin being prepared on their coffee table. Or any other kind of drug?

I don't think that we would.

@Nillynally

I mean, it's your house and you can dictate what you like but I think you're BU to expect others to attend a party and also be dry. It's not like he gave up weeks ago, he's a good 18 months in and he needs to get used to being around people who drink and abstaining himself.

He doesn’t need to welcome people into his own home with alcohol when they have expressed that it is a dry party.

Op next time firmly explain that, whilst she is welcome with alcohol free drinks, if she turns up with alcohol she will be sent home again.
Appalling of her to do that.

At 20 months AF I can handle DH having a couple of drinks occasionally with no problem. On tidying the other day he found a bottle of Prosecco, a random gift off someone for Christmas, it sat out on the counter for 2 days (because he can never finish a job!) and it did make me twitchy so I told him to get rid of it. I don’t need to suddenly lose it now after all my effort & I imagine your DH felt similar.

Well done to your DH & SIL.

@Blossomtoes

I don't like the term alcoholic

Owning it is a fundamental part of recovery for an addict. That’s why everyone at AA meetings starts by saying “I’m X, I’m an alcoholic”. The first step to recovery is recognition of your illness.

You don't know very much about alcohol dependancy and the new ideas of dealing with it and quitting. I can recommend some good books, support groups etc if you're interested.

AA is a VERY outdated support group that isn't followed by many as is recognised as not really helping people in the long term.

Suggest you read up on things a bit more before giving "advice"

I drank every day and it was a problem for me so I decided to give up. I still don't expect everyone around me to change their ways to accommodate my choices. Alcohol is literally everywhere, there are triggers all day every day, we have to live with those triggers

Yes we do, which is why having your home as a safe space is important for many people! It's the only place it's not in your face all the bloody time. I can manage my triggers but it still very relaxing for me to be in alcohol free spaces.

@Blossomtoes

I don't like the term alcoholic

Owning it is a fundamental part of recovery for an addict. That’s why everyone at AA meetings starts by saying “I’m X, I’m an alcoholic”. The first step to recovery is recognition of your illness.

And where did I say I didn't recognise my illness? I very clearly said in my first post that I drank everyday and it was a problem for me.

I still don't like the term alcoholic for very many reasons.

Recovering from substance or alcohol addiction means you can never touch those things again. They’re poison.

Alcohol is a poison in any event, regardless of who’s consuming it. The alcohol industry can lobby for the “benefits” of a glass of red wine for heart health or whatever all they like.

But the negatives will always outweigh the positives.

The first step to recovery is recognition of your illness

Many people don't follow the illness model. If AA works for you then good stuff but many people find other approaches better for them.

Agree with @HangingOver - many neuroscientists are now challenging the idea that addiction is a disease or an illness.

Sounds like the MIL might have her own issues with alcohol, and accepting her son's alcoholism might mean she needs to have a look in the mirror as well- not always easy to do. Hence this sort of thing, which is not only against your express wishes but has the effect of minimising your husband's condition.

You are doing the right thing in maintaining your boundaries. If this means talking to her, do it by all means, although I would be prepared for a minimising response (silly nonsense, just a little bottle for me, totally unnecessary to fuss etc).

@HangingOver

The first step to recovery is recognition of your illness

Many people don't follow the illness model. If AA works for you then good stuff but many people find other approaches better for them.

This

AA is very outdated model to "recovery"

There are so many better routes to help problem drinkers and I am very glad to have found them.

I barely touch alcohol at all - never have because I just don’t like it that much. However I’ve been to after-work drinks and the like where colleagues try very hard to get me to “Have a proper drink” or whatever. Now, if I were someone with an alcohol problem who was trying to stay dry, that would be extremely hard to cope with. In my own home I think it would be my prerogative to keep a “safe” space. While staying sober for 18 months is a great achievement, it is still early days. The fact that the MIL is not prepared to keep off the booze for one event shows that she herself has a problem and is probably trying to shift her deep-seated unease onto her DS and DIL. Going forward, I think either someone should have a discussion with the MIL or else she should be distanced from the group.

I didn’t say you didn’t recognise your illness @Hydrangeatea. But refusing to name or own your condition doesn’t bode well.

Fist bump Hydrangeatea

I'm a SMART-ie

AA is very outdated model to "recovery"

I’m interested to know why you’d think that? It’s worked for countless alcoholics for nearly 100 years and supported my bloke in his sobriety. If it works, don’t knock it.

I like a drink, but if I knew I was going to a get together where the hosts didn't drink (so unlikely to be that type of party) I wouldn't bring any- I would always offer should I bring something (food or drinks). Ultimately if it made your dh feel uncomfortable then you should make it clear no alcohol the next time. It's your house.

It's a tricky situation but I'd say it's for your husband to sort out. Afterall, it's his mum, and just because he gave up booze doesn't mean he can't talk about it. I suspect that the MiL would struggle to get through a party without drink, which is another reason why how far you want to push the issue might be better coming from your husband.

@Piglet89

Agree with *@HangingOver* - many neuroscientists are now challenging the idea that addiction is a disease or an illness.

Is that so? I hadn't kept up with current treatments. But the fact that it requires treatment suggest hat there might be a certain amount of 'don't blame the victim' flummery going on there. The neurological effects are well documented.

Or is it a chicken and egg thing, based on there not being any one single key/cause of the initial drinking to excess?

If that all sounds a bit Grr! I don't mean it it to be. The alcoholics in my life are either long dead or kept at a distance. I have no current data!

It's one thing to say "I'm a vegetarian but accept that most restaurants will serve meat" but it's quite another to have guests turn up to your own bloody house with a steak and a pack of bacon!

Alcohol is not a need. Adults can cope without it although it might not be what they personally would prefer, in the same way meat-eaters can cope with a vegetarian dinner for one night.
He should be able to be comfortable in his own house and if his mother, a grown adult woman, literally can't go the length of a dinner without alcohol then you may have to accept she is an alcoholic and you won't be able to invite her to these dinners for a long while.

@Blossomtoes

I didn’t say you didn’t recognise your illness *@Hydrangeatea*. But refusing to name or own your condition doesn’t bode well.

I am not refusing to do anything. I very clearly stated my position in my very first post on the subject. We are talking about me here and not you remember. I have very successfully stopped drinking with some great methods that are available to me now.

Just because you are stuck in the dark ages and want to have an opinion or use terms about someone who drinks regularly is or isn't, doesn't make you right I am afraid.

Unless you have actually stopped drinking yourself, you have literally NO IDEA what is right or wrong so it's usually a good policy to just not comment, not give advice and not "state" something in a factual way.

I honestly don't understand why you are so offended by my not wanting to label every regular drinker an alcoholic? Why does it offend you so much? It's interesting as it quite clearly has nothing to do with you!

@Blossomtoes

AA is very outdated model to "recovery"

I’m interested to know why you’d think that? It’s worked for countless alcoholics for nearly 100 years and supported my bloke in his sobriety. If it works, don’t knock it.

I am not knocking AA but many people do. It is considered a very outdated approach. I won't go into it all here but there are much more positive approaches with better long term outcomes.

I can message you with some more up to date support groups and reading if you're interested.

I think your DH needs to have a word (rather than you) with his mum telling her that his home is now alcohol free. If there is a party there will be no alcohol allowed. End of.

I don't think you should have the word with your MiL. I think it is something that your DH should have with his parent(s).