Keep your fear away from my children

[washingmachines4]

I am so sick of adults talking about their fears in front of my kids. I think it is so detrimental.
Another Mum, family member etc. would say: 'I have to go to the dentist this week so it'll be a terrible week, I am frightened', screaming at spiders, saying how frightened they are to go swimming, get on a bike, get on a plane, go into London, walk home at dusk. (Live in a really safe area by the way and this isn't about kids walking home, these are fully grown adults just talking about how frightened they are by life).
It is not that I don't have empathy for people with anxiety, who have to live with fear everyday but, sincerely - KEEP YOUR FEAR AWAY FROM MY KIDS! It is detrimental to them. You want to talk to me about your fears - fine - call me after the kids are in bed and I will be calm, empathetic and either be the listening ear or assist with solutions, whatever you want. But leave these growing little impressionable brains out of it!
I don't like spiders - pre kids I would scream if there was a big one, now we name them, trap them and put them outside - why? Because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. I still hate the things (although confess since feeling obliged to be nice to them for my children the 'fear' has diminished, although not gone) . We don't live in Australia, we live in the UK and there isn't a rational reason to be frightened. In Australia they don't promote fear - they promote education and I have yet to meet an Aussie who shits themselves even when presented with a big bite capable spider!
Sorry for the rant. I just fell across a complete stranger yesterday who decided to try and put whatever fears were in her head into my child's and I have seen red a bit. I'll go and have a cup of tea now.

Agree. My sis in law is scared of bees and wasps. The fear her kids now have after seeing their mum's reaction over the years. Now my daughter has picked it up 🙄😡

Completely agree with you. Also the wincing and sharp intake of breath as my grandchildren climb or run or whatever. They’re fine. They know what they’re capable of and a parent/capable adult is always nearby.

Agree with you op.

Although you are their first role model

Completely agree.

I completely get what you mean. I’m really frightened of spiders but have been very mindful not to talk about it or show it in front of my child.

A similar irritation of mine is people who loudly talk about their food dislikes in front of children. A perfect example is my mother talking about how much she hates broccoli, how disgusting it is, in front of my then 2/3 year old. Guess who has refused broccoli ever since?! 🙄

It’s strange that children will take on the negative opinion of one so much more sometimes, than the positive opinions of others. But they do!

@Momicrone - agree with you. But they take on board things from others nearby and wonder if there is a legitimate reason to be frightened even if me and Daddy aren't. Ours aren't frightened of much now, but one is prone to fear so if someone says something she latches onto it and it takes a conscious effort by me and her Dad to undo a lot of the time.

@SemperIdem

I completely get what you mean. I’m really frightened of spiders but have been very mindful not to talk about it or show it in front of my child.

A similar irritation of mine is people who loudly talk about their food dislikes in front of children. A perfect example is my mother talking about how much she hates broccoli, how disgusting it is, in front of my then 2/3 year old. Guess who has refused broccoli ever since?! 🙄

It’s strange that children will take on the negative opinion of one so much more sometimes, than the positive opinions of others. But they do!

We have this issue with MIL except she takes it one further, and will not only go on about food she doesn't like, but will say things like "oh, you won't like that" to my kids

@Semperldem - yes this! What is it with telling kids that certain food is yucky?! especially the healthy stuff.

Lead by example, and if you aren't the parents and you don't like something then don't eat it but don't make a big song and dance about it. If you can't be nice about the veg, shut up!

I agree. I hate flying. I had a bad experience on a plane once and it got in my head. It causes me a lot of stress ahead of a flight and often on the flight. It has definitely had an affect on the holidays I plan. I would absolutely hate to pass that on to DS.

Going against the grain but I disagree. Your children will go through life encountering all kinds of people scared of all sorts of things, you cannot shield them from this and nor should you, fear is a normal human emotion. You can teach them that some fears are irrational, many people have them, and how to deal with fears. They will take their cue from you anyway.

You can’t protect them from people like this, unfortunately. They’re everywhere. The best thing you can do is to equip them to manage situations like these by explaining that some people have irrational fears and they cope by talking about it all the time. Explain to the the best ways of living with bees and wasps so they’re comfortable if they see one. Just because someone says something doesn’t mean it is fact, and that lots of things like spiders are important for our ecosystem and should be appreciated. My kids were telling me about the amount of palaver from some school kids being scared of the injections for the various vaccines they’re getting - rubella, covid and the like - and how ridiculous and overblown they were being! Stay calm, explain irrational fear, and tell them it resides within that person, not the situation.

@Medusasbadhairday - I would be having serious words! That would drive me up the wall.

My mum was terrified of spiders but pretended not to be, as a result I have no fear of them at all. She reverted back when I was an adult!

I was terrified of dogs though, as was my sister, so I don't know what happened there - I don't remember anyone else being scared of them.

Agree - people are thoughtless.

As the mother of a child who has been riding horses competitively since 3 years old, I am completely with you.

Don’t talk about how terrifying it is, watching her jump and gallop. I have eyes, I can see, and she’s my daughter!! I’m happy to discuss my feelings and how I deal with them, away from her.

And anyone talking about how brave it is that we go on adventures last minute in this country and abroad is great…. As long as the next sentence in front of DC is not “ I mean, it’s such a risky frightening thing, flying abroad without a hotel booked for the first night/driving yourself in the Far East/ hiking in winter”.

I agree to a certain extent, that people's irrational fears are annoying. However, I voted YABU because people do have irrational fears, annoying habits, strange quirks etc etc. You can't expect your DC not to be exposed to this.
You just need to explain to your DC that their fears are not rational

Agree. As a kid it never occurred to me to be scared of spiders until I saw my mother and sister screaming when they saw one. It has taken me years to recondition my response.

[quote washingmachines4]@Medusasbadhairday - I would be having serious words! That would drive me up the wall.[/quote]
We've had words many a time, it didn't achieve much. It ended up being more productive to teach the kids to comment on how you should always try new things and how silly people are who won't try new things

Back to your OP I'm scared of spiders, my kids know I'm scared. But I don't scream and shout I just step away and calmly ask for help. If there's no help then I try to find another solution, acknowledging that this makes me feel anxious. That way they learn it's ok to be scared, but that it's good to try and find ways to manage that fear.

Absolutely agree!

I have a stupidly irrational fear of spiders but I never show that to the kids.

I was reading to the kids on the landing one evening several years ago when a tarantula* dropped on to my shoulder from the banister.

I absolutely screamed as it scuttled away and clearly woke the kids who then quizzed me about what was going on. I told them a sock had fallen from the bannister on to my shoulder and given me a big fright and it was just mummy being silly! Oh how we all laughed......I was absolutely shaking with adrenaline!

I'm forever telling them the old "they are more scared of us" bullshit, and also "just let them go about their business"!

*May not actually have been a tarantula, potentially just a normal everyday house spider!!

Disclaimer: My last post makes it seem like I'm really zen when confronted with spiders, when the reality is that yesterday I accidentally stabbed myself because a spider crawled into my hand when I was putting a knife in the dishwasher.

I did talk to the kids about how silly that was though.

You’re not completely unreasonable but I don’t see how you can police the world, people are free to, and will, express themselves how and when they see fit.

Our job is to help our children navigate a life full of people who feel like this and this is part of developing those skills. Some children do take these things to heart more than others but imho those are the children who benefit most from developing those skills safely with their parents guidance rather than their own coping methods.

I’m not completely unsympathetic, DD’s CM when she was small was scared of spiders and made a proper song and dance about them in front of the dc. From about 2-4 dd would either actively avoid them or was over cautious around them. All I could do was keep reinforcing the message that they don’t hurt us and are likely more scared of us than we are of them - look how much bigger we are! Plus they eat flies, and those are annoying. The peppa pig mr skinny legs episode helped too.

Well you are right of course, except for Australians not being afraid of spiders. I live in Oz and know lots of people that are terrified of them! Getting bitten by a white tail once put me off quite a bit, but its the massive buggers that sneak up on you that I really don't like!

I completely agree. I had a real issue with spiders pre kids but was determined not to pass it on which was just as well as moved to Australia. Here kids are taught healthy respect, just don’t touch the spider or snake, tell a grown up and they will deal with it 😂

I agree and disagree.

Yes, there is no place for hysterics.

But I actually think that it's good for your children to see that you are afraid of/dislike something. They need to understand that their own fears are both natural and can be overcome. And they're not really going to do that if you're always the big, strong parent.

My kids know there's plenty of things I don't particularly enjoy. Like swimming. But they see me get into the pool every single weekend. They know I almost drowned as a child. They know my eldest son almost drowned when he was 3 as well. So they understand where my fear comes from. But they also see me overcome my fear. And they also don't piss about in swimming pools like I used to do at their age.