Keep your fear away from my children

[washingmachines4]

I am so sick of adults talking about their fears in front of my kids. I think it is so detrimental.
Another Mum, family member etc. would say: 'I have to go to the dentist this week so it'll be a terrible week, I am frightened', screaming at spiders, saying how frightened they are to go swimming, get on a bike, get on a plane, go into London, walk home at dusk. (Live in a really safe area by the way and this isn't about kids walking home, these are fully grown adults just talking about how frightened they are by life).
It is not that I don't have empathy for people with anxiety, who have to live with fear everyday but, sincerely - KEEP YOUR FEAR AWAY FROM MY KIDS! It is detrimental to them. You want to talk to me about your fears - fine - call me after the kids are in bed and I will be calm, empathetic and either be the listening ear or assist with solutions, whatever you want. But leave these growing little impressionable brains out of it!
I don't like spiders - pre kids I would scream if there was a big one, now we name them, trap them and put them outside - why? Because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. I still hate the things (although confess since feeling obliged to be nice to them for my children the 'fear' has diminished, although not gone) . We don't live in Australia, we live in the UK and there isn't a rational reason to be frightened. In Australia they don't promote fear - they promote education and I have yet to meet an Aussie who shits themselves even when presented with a big bite capable spider!
Sorry for the rant. I just fell across a complete stranger yesterday who decided to try and put whatever fears were in her head into my child's and I have seen red a bit. I'll go and have a cup of tea now.

@Womeninblack - why?
Do we not want our kids to be resilient? We can get them to rationalise that everyone is different after a certain age - before that age you can do a lot of damage exposing them to irrational fear

I'm still pissed off about the Tweenies.

I'd spent TWO YEARS patiently building the tools to persuade tiny son that being in the dark is great. It was working!

Then he watched an episode of the Tweenies which was explaining how you don't need to be afraid of the dark, and from that point on he was aware that Afraid Of The Dark was a thing...

People shouldn’t be over the top about it but I don’t think hiding fears from children is sensible either. There is nothing wrong with being a bit scared sometimes and nothing wrong with normalising that. I am scared of bridges, Ds has been aware of this for ages but he has no issue with them - infact he makes sure he holds my hand when we cross one to be kind!

Totally agree. One of my parents has a fear of train journeys, they kept it secret from me and I grew up oblivious to this. They are now scared whenever I take a train journey but they didn't tell me until I was about 30!

YANBU.

I have a theory that this is exactly why so many people are scared of spiders (as evidenced in this thread) - it's a learnt response that is passed from parent to child/sibling to sibling/friend to friend to the extent that the fear is so commonplace it is now generally accepted that 'spider = scary'. Which is totally irrational (in this country).

My eldest has definitely taken on her grandma's fear of dogs. Which is very frustrating. I try to use things as teachable moments and suggest how to tackle feelings of surprise or alarm (which I definitely feel when I see an fecking goose, vicious hissing bastards). I do use other descriptors rather than fear, so I WAS surprised there, rather than I AM afraid. So much children get that fear is just a reaction, that passes, it doesnt stop you acting. I know phobia is real, and hugely controlling for some, like my exMIL, so I try to explain it as other than fear.

It’s such a negative way to support kids.

When mine were small I used to stand in the playground amongst meaningless pleas of ‘be careful’. What does that mean to a 3 year old?

I’m not saying my heart wasn’t in my mouth as mine went to the top of the spider web climbing frame thingy, it was, but I used to say ‘good climbing! To be a good climber always just move one hand or foot at a time and keep the others where they are’. Give them practical tips to stay safe rather than fret and fuss anxiously at the bottom.

Same for everything. How to risk assess and problem solve rather than dithering in fear. Going into central London alone for the first time? What to do if you accidentally get the wrong bus. What you could do if the behaviour of a member of the public makes you uncomfortable. Etc.

Tbh the level of irrational fear on MN gets to me sometimes. Of course people should be able to talk about fears, but the constant assertion that London / dusk / hiking alone / spiders / answering the door really are things which are too risky to undertake is wearing. Because you do need emotional energy to keep it at bay, even to ignore it. Same for our kids.

Good luck policing then from fears as they get older. It's normal to talk and compare things.

You can't keep in a little box forever. They will be exposed to the outside world eventually.

My mother is terrified of spiders so as a smallish kid I used to have to catch any scuttling around the house if my dad wasn’t about and then release them in the garden. So I’m quite cool about spiders.

Nah you have to teach your kids that people have all sorts of weird ideas that have nothing to do with reality. It makes them resilient but also.. compassionate. You can try to shelter your children from other peoples fears for a while but ultimately it’s impossible. All you can do is educate your own children.

I remember sitting outside a pub last year with my husband and a bee taking an interest in our table. I don't like buzzy thing, but I'm a grown up who understands flapping around doesn't help, so I sat and waited for it to bugger off. It then flew to the next table which was occupied by two adults - mother and grandmother I assume - plus two children. The instant hysteria that was started by the women was ridiculous. Jumping up and screeching, pull the kids away. Then the older one said something like "some people are allergic to bees and they die if they get stung".
It was utterly pathetic and I imagine those two kids will now spend their lives needlessly terrified and probably trying to kill any passing bees.

Oh I'm with you!
My DM can't even say or hear the word Spider. We weren't allowed to say it - we had to say 'there's a 'thing' on the ceiling'. She cant even have a conversation about phobias!. She now lives with us but I now refuse to not say spider.

As for all the other things she 'doesn't like' - TBH I don't know how I stayed sane (bananas, music, sport.. )

Actually, I change my mind. Yanbu 🤓

Children take on the negatives as it is key to their survival. How else did they learn what animals to avoid, what food not to eat.
I agree that fears should not be put into children unless there is a need for it.
Like road safety etc.

I’m also going to be careful to not talk about my body negatively and instead focus on what it can do so that hopefully my daughter grows up liking her body and what it can do.

My oh daughter had a dog jump up at her. ONCE.

Both parents fostered this bs oh she’s frightened of dogs for YEARS!

Neither of them helped her - it really annoyed me as it was utterly needless.

Mind you, in their family fear means drama and attention. I don’t put up with it.

Bit of reassurance, support and encouragement about how to be around dogs and she was sorted in a couple of months.

@CarmenThePanda

Tbh the level of irrational fear on MN gets to me sometimes. Of course people should be able to talk about fears, but the constant assertion that London / dusk / hiking alone / spiders / answering the door really are things which are too risky to undertake is wearing. Because you do need emotional energy to keep it at bay, even to ignore it. Same for our kids

I completely agree. The level of background paranoia and anxiety on here genuinely concerns me.

Oh how I agree
The amount of parents who come to the dentist with their child
Full of ‘don’t worry it won’t hurt’!

Ahhh. Your kid hasn’t even thought that anything might hurt Totally puts the idea that it might hurt into their head

Just stop it

@Doloresabernathy42

I agree and disagree.

Yes, there is no place for hysterics.

But I actually think that it's good for your children to see that you are afraid of/dislike something. They need to understand that their own fears are both natural and can be overcome. And they're not really going to do that if you're always the big, strong parent.

My kids know there's plenty of things I don't particularly enjoy. Like swimming. But they see me get into the pool every single weekend. They know I almost drowned as a child. They know my eldest son almost drowned when he was 3 as well. So they understand where my fear comes from. But they also see me overcome my fear. And they also don't piss about in swimming pools like I used to do at their age.

@Doloresabernathy42

I agree with this. I think it's helpful for children to see that adults have fears too. I recently read that (1) talking about emotions and (2) reading are very powerful for building resilience in children

Histrionics over mice and spiders is so often over the top.
Sometimes they do make one jump- sometimes a little mouse is in the compost bin, and I jump, or a spider in the woodpile, but full on flapping and screeching that some people do is surely for attention?

Australian here, i currently have a few wolf spiders hiding in the house and tend to let them! Was brave once and went to move one only to find all the babies on her and they scattered everywhere. Still managed to hold it together.

Cockroaches on the other hand...man i'm pushing the kids out the way to get outta there.

I agree and sympathise BUT I am bloody terrified of spiders and my phobia is really really bad. I've never encountered one in front of my 2yo and I am dreading how to handle it as I don't want to pass on my phobia. However I do not talk about it repeatedly like your friends are doing, and when we see one in a picture book I pretend it's nice!

I havent gone through all 3 pages but i do not agree. I understand if they would have this kind of conversations with ur kids, such as when ur child has a dentist appt and it comes up in the conversation and they would ask them “oh u must be scared, hang in there etc etc”. I wouldnt like it either then but there are so many different people in the world and ur kids will be around them with and without u eventually. Why dont u take different approach to teach them not to pick on someone’s fears? U cant shield them from everything. As someone said - u are the role model. YABU

I have a few fears although mild and I have techniques to work through them, wherever possible (and I am fine with spiders). My 2 DC always knew that I had an issue with blood/wounds, if it is mine I am likely to pass out, theirs I could just about manage and they were good at dealing with it themselves and then either I would check or more likely wait for DH to come home or DM to pop round. In a crisis I am fine as then adrenaline kicks in usually.
Anther issues is that I have always struggled around roads and car parks, which stems from seeing someone knocked over on a zebra crossing as a child, I always made them walk beside me and hold hands when crossing, they always did this and even now they are adults we walk side by side. My much younger nieces and nephews run off in all directions and I find it very difficult to be out with them, I usually distance myself until we are in a safe area.
I keep all my food phobias to myself and my DC have a varied diet, in fact now they are adults and have left home it is great that I can eat what I want.

Agree entirely with you.

The thing I hate the most is my friends talking about their latest ‘diet’ going to ‘fat club’ & their massive (but really small) stomach! I don’t want my little girl even knowing what a diet/fat club is!! I only ever talk about ‘eating healthy’ to keep the Dr away(as well as treats!) this drives me nuts!!

I try so hard to not show my massive fear of spiders, I just quietly go and get DH to remove it on the grounds that he is 'way better at catching spiders than mummy is', and then I find that books and cartoons make spiders out to be scary, WHY? Surely the authors, scriptwriters, publishers etc must realise how unhelpful this is. Kids don't need to be told to be scared of things that are not an actual risk FFS.