Keep your fear away from my children

[washingmachines4]

I am so sick of adults talking about their fears in front of my kids. I think it is so detrimental.
Another Mum, family member etc. would say: 'I have to go to the dentist this week so it'll be a terrible week, I am frightened', screaming at spiders, saying how frightened they are to go swimming, get on a bike, get on a plane, go into London, walk home at dusk. (Live in a really safe area by the way and this isn't about kids walking home, these are fully grown adults just talking about how frightened they are by life).
It is not that I don't have empathy for people with anxiety, who have to live with fear everyday but, sincerely - KEEP YOUR FEAR AWAY FROM MY KIDS! It is detrimental to them. You want to talk to me about your fears - fine - call me after the kids are in bed and I will be calm, empathetic and either be the listening ear or assist with solutions, whatever you want. But leave these growing little impressionable brains out of it!
I don't like spiders - pre kids I would scream if there was a big one, now we name them, trap them and put them outside - why? Because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. I still hate the things (although confess since feeling obliged to be nice to them for my children the 'fear' has diminished, although not gone) . We don't live in Australia, we live in the UK and there isn't a rational reason to be frightened. In Australia they don't promote fear - they promote education and I have yet to meet an Aussie who shits themselves even when presented with a big bite capable spider!
Sorry for the rant. I just fell across a complete stranger yesterday who decided to try and put whatever fears were in her head into my child's and I have seen red a bit. I'll go and have a cup of tea now.

Absolutely not unreasonable at all. If kids I'd raised turned out like a lot of people today, I'd feel I'd failed them.

Personally I think an astonishing lack of empathy is MUCH more damaging to kids than having to understand that sometimes other people have phobias, but there you go 🤷‍♀️

My mother is fearless. She tackles everything in life with drive and confidence and was my absolute best role model. Your kids will learn from you...mum is your constant in life as a child, your rock and where you get your reassurance that, even if you fall, she will be there to catch you. I'm so grateful to her because adulthood is a lot more fun without fear and anxiety.

I get the frustration on those who go on about how scary/yucky whatever is to young kids, because yeah, they're impressionable and if you don't show any coping skills beyond avoidance, it's not doing much good. Similar those who go on about how horrible the world is with stories in front of young kids and putting a lot of fear and pressure on young shoulders with nothing to help them deal with that.

I don't think it's unreasonable to discuss fears or dislikes though. I think showing your emotions and how to deal with it is important and I think kids often notice even if they're isn't discussion. My kids' father is afraid of heights, they've seen him not go on a ferris wheel or shake while on a ladder.

I think it's better we talk about it than try to brush it under the carpet. It's possible some of the discussion rubbed off on my youngest who was wary about a walkway after we'd discussed their father not liking it, but my youngest knew he could hold someone's hand and we'd help him through it and after a few times he was fine. I want my kids to know we support each other through our fears and fears are a natural sensory information and just like all of our senses, it isn't perfect in showing us how the world is, but together we can figure it out.

I'm scared of spiders and DH is absolutely terrified of bees (neither of us like wasps!). He deals with the spiders for me and I deal with any bees/wasps in the house. We don't hide the fact that we have these fears from DC but we aren't outwardly dramatic about them, like we won't scream or get in a flap. I think it's fine to show that fears are a normal thing in life, even the irrational ones, but also to make sure that kids know being frightened of something like a spider or swimming or flying is "a bit silly" and they don't have to be worried about them just because someone else is.

I don't love the big outward displays of dramatics from people when you are trying to teach your kids that they don't need to be afraid of something though.

How can you hope to police the behaviour of the people your kids will encounter? As a small child I encountered relatives and acquaintances with a range of mental health problems and idiosyncrasies, from the severe - paranoia, schizophrenia, etc - to the minor, like anxiety, ticks, strange quirks, or just things they were needlessly fretful about. It was never expected of other adults to modify their issues to make me more comfortable. I think it's more important that children learn to be gracious towards others than to have the behaviour around them sanitised to keep them in a bubble where everyone accommodates them (and before people jump on me, I'm not talking about abusive/inappropriate behaviour. Of course children should be protected from people who might harm them.) We live in a broken world full of troubled people. It's good for kids to learn to be sensitive to other people's issues.

@robotvalkyrie - I am not afraid of people and their emotions. I am cross with the oversharing of irrelevant and unhelpful emotions which is so widespread I should think many people (let alone just children) are unhappier for it. Ripples in a pond and all that - put out something good.
And yes, my OP was my rant because I am cross because of the old biddy that filled my kids head with shit yesterday while my child was actively trying to overcome something she finds hard. She was set back and it took a good few hours to overcome.
I know I can't protect them from it, not now and not in the future. I am equipping them as best as I can to deal with negative irrational people - yes I am still cross, don't worry if you meet me in real life I come across as much nicer and more understanding. But this is AIBU and I was having a rant. And if one person thinks about not sharing their food phobias, spider phobias, etc. with their kids and grandkids then I'll be pleased.

On the plus side, I am feeling much calmer now seeing all the lovely responses. Cheers! I'll keep plodding on and doing my best and make the kids understanding but hopefully resilient so they don't take on these fears themselves.

I agree to an extent, in that adults should be mindful of not instilling unnecessary fears and hang-ups in children. It's thoughtless to bang on about how awful injections or dentists are when they're unavoidable, and it might not otherwise occur to children to be afraid.

I have a couple of caveats though:

1. By having a performatively no-nonsense attitude towards fears - which we all have - you run the risk of belittling children's own fears, or giving them the message that fears and phobias are silly and that you will be disappointed in them if they express them. That isn't healthy either.

2. Parent-hild relationships are human relationships above all, and I dislike the tendency towards pursuing a "parenting approach" at the expense of real, honest relationships. Our children live with us and are in our lives on an intimate basis, so they will know about some of our fears and pecadilloes. That doesn't have to be a bad thing, as long as fears are talked about and children know that they're individual and not always rational. I used to take DS1 on rides with me when he was little, because I was scared and he wasn't. He loved being Mummy's helper and talking soothingly to me as the umbrella ride got going

I have raised perfectly happy kids without having to avoid people who are scared of stuff. None of their fears affected my kids

That's great for you, but obviously not all kids are the same, and it depends on the context (is it a trusted adult they spend a lot of time round?)

I know pre-school my DD was fine with all sorts of bugs and beasties, loads of photos of her handling them without a care in the world.

She starts school and within a few months she's screaming and crying every time she spots an insect. She also tells us the TA is scared of them.

Either it's a real coincidence, or she's learnt that behaviour.

Personally I think an astonishing lack of empathy is MUCH more damaging to kids than having to understand that sometimes other people have phobias, but there you go

Absolutely! I would expect my children to be compassionate about bereavement, serious illness, loss etc and be able to support others with empathy. Would I want them to sit there and listen to someone whinge on relentlessly about their neurosis, no, I would not. I would think I have failed them if they become happy to sit there as an unpaid therapists as people dump their negativity on them. That is not empathy, it is doormat behaviour. I would hope they would say 'have you thought about getting some help with that fear' and signposting others to get professional help. I do find the type of person op describes as being blood suckers, they just drain everyone around them.

Unfortunately not everyone can control certain fears. You can control talking about them, but when faced with them it's a lot harder.

I am incredibly scared of bees , wasps and spiders. I will involuntarily flinch and scream if I so much as hear them and during summer I am on high alert! I try not to talk about them unless it's in a positive way but my DD is going to see my reaction! Fortunately DH is not scared so there is a balance.

Parents are human, and fallible, and I don't think this is the worst flaw that you can present as a parent. Not ideal though, don't get me wrong.

Also what @Llamapolice said

What help have you had for that galacting? That sounds very extreme, and it is having a big impact on you and your family. Summer is a wonderful time to be outside, but it must be stressful dealing with that level of fear every time you have a picnic or an outing.

I also think it’s fine to do nothing about your fears sometimes

I was absolutely terrified of spiders. Real sobbing, asking strangers into house to remove, ringing people to remove terror. I always had to watch them put it out to prove they’d actually done it! I did get a bit better as I lived alone. I learned to be able to kill them (sorry) with a thick magazine so I couldn’t feel it, loud music so I couldn’t hear it…
Then I had a ds. I was determined not to share my phobia. I pretended they were not scary. I moved them on when required. Even got to stage I could grab them in my hand. Even without tissue!! The funny thing was I managed to conquer my fear by pretending not to be afraid.
And do you know what - despite ds never seeing me panic, flail about, sweat or anything- he is terrified of the buggers!! Makes an absolute fuss. Just like I used to!

@PlasticineMeg - why? Genuine question, really curious.

It wouldn't ever occur to me to not do anything about it, if I found myself with a fear I would seek to overcome it. I have had 'fears' in the past - but I have gone straight with my version of exposure therapy and moved past it very quickly - in hindsight I don't see them as fears as they seem trivial now although they didn't at the time.

Old biddy eh? I guess your mother didn't try hard enough to shield you from ageism...

@thelowcarbssweats - sorry, I was just using pissy language because I was pissed at her, she is probably younger than my mum. I have nothing against anyone older, the woman wasn't being horrible either, she probably even meant well but what she did was so detrimental.

Hi OP,
I would like to introduce myself. I'm an Australian who more than shits themselves at the sight of any spider. I usually end up vomiting as the shakes and adrenaline are too much for me to handle.

I was a kid who's mother was white with fear whenever she brought us to the dentist. She tried to hide it but she looked visibly ill in the waiting room with us. We knew she was terrified and hiding it. We got treated to a milkshake afterwards which was otherwise unheard of, for our 'bravery' and praised so much that it only further compounded the fearful feeling that we had just narrowly escaped some sort of certain death. So by trying to make us brave for something she was hopelessly terrified of, only created that fear within us ourselves anyway.

It took a very kind and patient dentist several long sessions to get me to overcome that fear that I absorbed from DM.

Now I've DS, I'm open and honest about that fear that I inherited but also that I totally overcame it and came to realise there was little to be scared of. And he's happy to go to the dentist and orthodontist without any fears. He knows the worst bit is the anaesthetic needle but that it's over in seconds.

He knows that he used to be scared of water, but got lessons and came to love it, but also knows my aunt will never go deeper than her knees due to a horrible scare in her childhood. He knows I'm wary of dogs after being bitten in childhood and knows to never pet a strange dog without the owners permission or try to pet a dog while eating and why.

I kind of aim to approach any potential fears DS has similar to the poster above where you discuss the actual chances of harm, a dose of caution, and some controlled exposure where appropriate.

I would like to introduce myself. I'm an Australian who more than shits themselves at the sight of any spider. I usually end up vomiting as the shakes and adrenaline are too much for me to handle.

Were you born here? How do you get about in your house? We have door seals etc but they still get in somehow. Surely you’d get sick and tired of this after a point?

Absolutely agree. My son is autistic and he gets very very anxious about things. He analyses things deeply. I dread it when people start saying they are scared or frightened about things in a dramatic way around him. Going into a lot of detail too. He is already very scared of most things.

I totally understand that people can get frightened and he does need to know that it is ‘normal’ but I would like to moderate it gently /be the one to educate him! For example I am scared of heights and I explained to him in a calm way why I think I am but my husband loves them and has done bungie jumps etc.

I loved spiders as a child but my mother and sisters responses have terrified me and now when my children pick them up I find it hard to hold it together 🤣but I have to!

I am also terrified of wasps because of a serious incident as a child myself but when my children are scared of them I am calm and sort the problem out the best I can. I do tell them when I’m scared but then I talk about options of how to reduce the fear /sort the situation practically.

Of course you can’t police the world and everyone is different- children should grow up with a balance of realising this without it having a negative impact on how they feel about things themselves. It is the overly dramatic responses around children I find frustrating - but I guess some people just can’t help it at times!

I think your attitude is a bit odd and I'm suprised so find many agree with you. I was brought up in a house where we weren't allowed to express any kind of "negative" emotion - fear, sadness, nervousness, etc. It was a stifling, damaging atmosphere and as I result I've never opened up to my parents about anything. Millions of people have irrational fears - that's life. You can't pretend their fears aren't valid, it's incredibly dismissive.

I'm terrified of flying and have been on 3 holidays with my DD's. I've done everything to hide my fears and thought I'd managed that! They recently told me that they knew I was scared of flying as it was so obvious! I hate that they know but I did everything I could to stop them from seeing.
Now we talk about how it's ok to have fears but how not to let them take over your life and stop you from doing things.

We know a family who are extremely nervous/frightened of their child (who is now nearly 6) using the play park equipment. Obviously you have to be safety conscious but they are still holding her torso on on the slide, lifting her up steps, if she ever dare even step next to a pole it would be a total drama to get her away from it etc.
(I might add there are no known disabilities etc) it was just the parents are absolutely terrified of them having an accident! They will openly speak about all the terrible things that could happen in front of their child at the park (I try to shield my children from this chatter)

The poor thing now won’t dare go on anything- even low slides /baby frames by themselves! They freeze and start immediately panicking!!!