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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keep your fear away from my children

166 replies

washingmachines4 · 19/04/2022 11:29

I am so sick of adults talking about their fears in front of my kids. I think it is so detrimental.
Another Mum, family member etc. would say: 'I have to go to the dentist this week so it'll be a terrible week, I am frightened', screaming at spiders, saying how frightened they are to go swimming, get on a bike, get on a plane, go into London, walk home at dusk. (Live in a really safe area by the way and this isn't about kids walking home, these are fully grown adults just talking about how frightened they are by life).
It is not that I don't have empathy for people with anxiety, who have to live with fear everyday but, sincerely - KEEP YOUR FEAR AWAY FROM MY KIDS! It is detrimental to them. You want to talk to me about your fears - fine - call me after the kids are in bed and I will be calm, empathetic and either be the listening ear or assist with solutions, whatever you want. But leave these growing little impressionable brains out of it!
I don't like spiders - pre kids I would scream if there was a big one, now we name them, trap them and put them outside - why? Because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. I still hate the things (although confess since feeling obliged to be nice to them for my children the 'fear' has diminished, although not gone) . We don't live in Australia, we live in the UK and there isn't a rational reason to be frightened. In Australia they don't promote fear - they promote education and I have yet to meet an Aussie who shits themselves even when presented with a big bite capable spider!
Sorry for the rant. I just fell across a complete stranger yesterday who decided to try and put whatever fears were in her head into my child's and I have seen red a bit. I'll go and have a cup of tea now.

OP posts:
lightand · 19/04/2022 13:35

hear hear

I have told people a few times, around my kids and grandkids, not to do it.

MaggieFS · 19/04/2022 13:36

YANBU. I am so cross that DS thinks spiders are scary thanks to one of the staff at nursery.

lightand · 19/04/2022 13:39

@Llamapolice

Going against the grain but I disagree. Your children will go through life encountering all kinds of people scared of all sorts of things, you cannot shield them from this and nor should you, fear is a normal human emotion. You can teach them that some fears are irrational, many people have them, and how to deal with fears. They will take their cue from you anyway.
No, they cant be shielded, but doesnt mean they should be encouraged.

And yes, when they do hear them, children can be taught.
But in no way does that all mean fears should be essentially be paraded in front of children.

No, they dont always take cues from parents! Ha.

lightand · 19/04/2022 13:40

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Yabu. I have a completely irrational fear of a specific animal. I've been quite clear with my dc that I am terrified of it (itself, the fur, the noise, the movement).

I have also assured them that it is irrational. They have absoloutley zero fear of it, love to pet them, hold them etc. As they know the thing isn't actually to be feared.

But that is one thing.

Not 100 like the op is talking about.

Dancer47 · 19/04/2022 13:41

I agree completely.

Screaming at spiders is pathetic. Catching them and putting them outside, catching bumble bees , beetles and wasps and putting them outside is easy! (pint glass and a postcard!).
People who indulge in neurosis because of harmless insects have had it transferred to them when they were growing up.
My DH was terrified of spiders when we met - now he gently traps them and puts them outside without a word of complaint. His mother screamed at any insect and transferred that fear to him.

RobotValkyrie · 19/04/2022 13:44

There is a kind of irony in here: by worrying that fearful adults may "contaminate" her children's fragile brains, OP is displaying a certain amount of "toxic" misplaced fear herself.

But that's alright. We all have fears, reasonable or not, and it's only natural to be protective of your own children.

I find personally that talking about fears does help. My youngest is afraid of bugs. I remind him I'm afraid of snakes. Then we talk about which bugs and which snakes are actually dangerous, and the ridiculously low odds of ever facing them. And how our primitive brains are hardwired to feel fear, rightly or wrongly. And how the more evolved part of our brains can help us analyse facts and make decisions when feelings alone are unreliable indicators of actual danger. But also of how feelings are real, and do matter when they hurt, and we shouldn't feel ashamed of them.
I'm not afraid of adult fears hurting my kids. They are fully equipped to deal with that situation, should it arise. We just talk things through, calmly and methodically. Over-emotive talk has little hold on them.

HesterShaw1 · 19/04/2022 13:48

YANBU.

People who are constantly saying how scared they are of things are very irritating. My mum for example - scared of heights, flying, enclosed spaces, travelling on her own, mice, water, other people's driving, speed, doesn't like being cold, doesn't like being hot, hates insects....

Even her grandchildren are getting wearied by it.

ihavealife1 · 19/04/2022 13:49

Not quite the same, but my alcoholic father was delighted when my kids were old enough to drink.

"Have a drink"
"Are you drinking tonight? Good girl".....

Hmm
Pluvia · 19/04/2022 13:56

Yes, yes, yes, OP. All the adults whining on about fear of needles and the Covid vaccination has turned one of the children in my family needle phobic. I grew up in a stiff upper lip sort of home where you just got the jab and didn't make a fuss. You went to the dentist and you didn't make a fuss. You learned to deal with some of the less comfortable things in life without a hoo-ha.

MaverickSnoopy · 19/04/2022 13:56

When I was 5 I went into my grandmothers bedroom in the morning and pulled back the curtain for her. There was a HUGE spider on it. She screamed like you wouldn't believe and I ran out screaming for my parents. They asked what was wrong. I paused and considered what was wrong. I assumed it must be the spider and in that instant I was terrified. From then on I was scared of spiders. My mum was furious with her.

I made a conscious effort to love spiders for my children. "Oh look, this little spider is lost, let's take him to his family", pop on card and take outside all the while saying how beautiful he was. Inside I was screaming. Somehow though my children don't like spiders.

So I get what you're saying but somehow I think things are ingrained. I do agree with your sentiment and think that adults should know better. A mouse shot out of the shed yesterday. My husband screamed like a child and ran into the house. We all laughed hysterically. He's not passed her fear onto them. They want to go and see if they can find some more.

I can't really make sense of any of it as there's no consistent pattern.

duskyspringfield · 19/04/2022 13:58

The family members who go on about how fat they are. Fgs just leave it. Don’t want my kids to start even thinking about weight!

yellowsuninthesky · 19/04/2022 14:00

Anything other than thank you and positive noises of enjoyment I didn't want to hear as children are influenced by others saying something is yuk

Hmm I wonder if that works for chocolate/sweet things? I bet it doesn't I bet it only works for vegetables that the kids are already suspicious of and the adult's "I don't like broccoli" just confirms their suspicion.

I do get where you are coming from OP but I think it's unrealistic for people to not talk about things they don't like in front of other peoples' kids. I used to get fed up with my mum always talking about people dying and being ill in front of ds. I know as you get older, health or lack of it can be an all-consuming topic, but you don't need to go on about it in front of young kids.

DomesticatedZombie · 19/04/2022 14:02

@Llamapolice

Going against the grain but I disagree. Your children will go through life encountering all kinds of people scared of all sorts of things, you cannot shield them from this and nor should you, fear is a normal human emotion. You can teach them that some fears are irrational, many people have them, and how to deal with fears. They will take their cue from you anyway.
Yep.

Your post is a bit of an oxymoron, OP.

'I'm scared of exposing my children to frightening things!'

It could be used as a good lesson to explore fears (which are natural, and everyone has) and ways to manage or overcome those fears. When fears are logical and sensible and useful, and when they can become a hindrance.

AliceAbsolum · 19/04/2022 14:04

Agree. My mother passed her severe emetophobia on to me and it's had a life changing and debilitating impact on my life.

Cherryblossoms85 · 19/04/2022 14:08

Although I agree, I wouldn't worry too much about the effect on your kids. They take their cue primarily from you.

MrsPelligrinoPetrichor · 19/04/2022 14:09

I disagree. Part of growing up and navigating the world is learning people have different feelings.

nopuppiesallowed · 19/04/2022 14:11

I think that a proportion of the rise of mental health issues in young people is that some adults forget they are children and that fears can easily take root in their developing brains. We can't protect our kids from the realities of this world but we can try to diminish them. My 6 year old grandson was obviously scared about the war in Ukraine (no idea where he'd picked it up from as TV is strictly curtailed in their house) so I gave him the world's shortest explanation and then told him that our country is a safe place for us to live. He then changed the subject, but if he brings it up again I'll approach it on an age appropriate way. As a child during the Cuban crisis and then the cold war, I was never afraid of what would happen. Partly because of the lack of social media but also because I never remember the adults around me even discussing it in my hearing. Let's be willing to let children be children - to help and comfort them when they are afraid of something. But let's not weigh them down with fears too heavy for their narrow shoulders.

SagaN4 · 19/04/2022 14:13

Oh I totally agree. Currently with on holiday with family and they are so nervous about everything. It's rubbing off on DD as she's normally so active and fearless when it comes to the outdoors but would now rather 'stay in with Granny'. I guess we don't see them that often but they are so young and impressionable you really have to watch what you are saying.
I see my mum's fears/dislikes as irrational and she constantly talks about food she doesn't like. I try to tell DC that it's ok to fear things but try not to let it have too much impact on our lives. I for one, am petrified of wasps (irrational) and as much as I try and stay calm around them some of that fear comes out!

ClaudiusTheGod · 19/04/2022 14:13

Then we talk about which bugs and which snakes are actually dangerous, and the ridiculously low odds of ever facing them.

This is a good point. Most people don’t understand odds and probability at all, as evidenced on this site repeatedly.

HTruffle · 19/04/2022 14:20

Also agreed. My mum recently rushed my four year old in from the garden because there was an ‘angry bee which was going for them’ grrrr

Swayingpalmtrees · 19/04/2022 14:21

I have raised perfectly happy kids without having to avoid people who are scared of stuff. None of their fears affected my kids

Your kids may or may not be fine with all the negative drama, but I am not sure why you would want this around them? Fears are for adults to deal with, it is not something you should be putting on a child. I am not talking about putting a protective bubble around them where nothing bad ever happens, but there is something said for children enjoying peace of mind, feeling secure and content. We don't need to introduce a ton of fear mongering into their young lives.

The world at the moment is quite challenging and we are not short on stressful and negative news, it is okay to ensure this isn't rubbing off on your children and ruining their mental health. They have a life time to learn this stuff, let them be happy and carefree. If nothing else most children deserve not to worry about stuff that won't hurt or bother them personally. Young minds can absorb this stuff very quickly.

Bpdqueen · 19/04/2022 14:24

Agree 100% babies are born with 2 fears loud noises and falling every other fear that develops through life is a learned behaviour

Rosehugger · 19/04/2022 14:24

I really didn't want to pass on my vertigo to DDs and it seems I haven't. I'm sure mine came from my mum going on and on about being frightened of heights and DP's general over-protectiveness and over-awareness of danger to the point of being wet blankets about it. Mine appears only when I might be faced with climbing down somewhere steep/narrow and there is an actual potential to fall and at least hurt yourself (obviously I avoid this most of the time). Occasionally it appears on stairs or escalators.

Swayingpalmtrees · 19/04/2022 14:25

And most of these fears are complete rot.

Spiders and snakes can't hurt you here in the UK and should be approached with curiosity and care, tenderness even. Bugs and animals - it is the same for all fears without exception. It is mostly entirely irrational anyway. Why teach your children to be irrational?!

Surely simply celebrating wildlife, and showing your children how important the role of the spider, rat, snake is in the eco system is the main aim and celebrate the lives of all insects etc. We are at risk of making them neurotic.

Rosehugger · 19/04/2022 14:26

When I used to go on climbing frames, my DM would be like "Don't go too high!" Whereas I'd praise DDs for getting to the top, hovering with my heart in my mouth underneath of course but not saying anything.