Keep your fear away from my children

[washingmachines4]

I am so sick of adults talking about their fears in front of my kids. I think it is so detrimental.
Another Mum, family member etc. would say: 'I have to go to the dentist this week so it'll be a terrible week, I am frightened', screaming at spiders, saying how frightened they are to go swimming, get on a bike, get on a plane, go into London, walk home at dusk. (Live in a really safe area by the way and this isn't about kids walking home, these are fully grown adults just talking about how frightened they are by life).
It is not that I don't have empathy for people with anxiety, who have to live with fear everyday but, sincerely - KEEP YOUR FEAR AWAY FROM MY KIDS! It is detrimental to them. You want to talk to me about your fears - fine - call me after the kids are in bed and I will be calm, empathetic and either be the listening ear or assist with solutions, whatever you want. But leave these growing little impressionable brains out of it!
I don't like spiders - pre kids I would scream if there was a big one, now we name them, trap them and put them outside - why? Because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. I still hate the things (although confess since feeling obliged to be nice to them for my children the 'fear' has diminished, although not gone) . We don't live in Australia, we live in the UK and there isn't a rational reason to be frightened. In Australia they don't promote fear - they promote education and I have yet to meet an Aussie who shits themselves even when presented with a big bite capable spider!
Sorry for the rant. I just fell across a complete stranger yesterday who decided to try and put whatever fears were in her head into my child's and I have seen red a bit. I'll go and have a cup of tea now.

@llamapolice and @wiredforsound - you are absolutely right. I can't shield them from everyone like this, yes they need to understand that fear resides inside the person not the situation but... especially after the vulnerabilities the last few years have created I just want them to feel strong and empowered unhindered for just a little while.

@alwayscrashinginthesamecar1I got quite fond of huntsmen once I heard they eat the funnel webs but the buggers do move fast!

I agree but disagree, I have a fear of bees, but I know why I have the fear, I understand it, but I see a bee (and they are big buggers this year) and I freeze, I dont scream, I just freeze, till it goes away.

Beehives, thoughs I run from, my son is aware of this but we have explained how great bees are, I just dont want them near me, he doesn't have a fear of bees.

Food dislikes though, that is completely different and I agree if you have a dislike of a certain food dont tell small children, just dont eat it.

I agree, I still remember vividly older aunts talking about scary stuff when I was a kid, and it still scares me today. Thoughtless and very selfish.

I agree with this.
Although I admit to jumping around, screaming when a butterfly was flapping around me while having breakfast in a hotel with my kids.
I have a phobia of butterflies/ moths/ anything that flaps about and being in a room with one was my worst nightmare.
The kids however thought it was hilarious! They were in no way traumatised by my natural reaction and they all love butterflies!

DM was terrified of the Dentist (had bad experiences as a child) and passed them on to me.Hence screamed hysterically and was slapped by Dentist! Had years of not wanting to go .Have a lovely Dental practice now .Tried to remain calm for my DC ,they have not had any issues

Thanks for the responses, sorry I haven't replied to everyone. I am pleased to hear so many people actively trying not to pass on fears and rationally explaining things to their children. My faith in humanity has been partially restored.
I have no intention of wrapping my kids up in bubble wrap. They will see the world and the people in it for what it is and I'll continue to guide them as best as I can. It is doubtless good for them to see me trying to be empathetic with the people we do fall across who impart their feelings on their fears. It just seems 'anxiety' is everywhere, and it isn't in my life - I can honestly say the only time I have ever felt real fear in my entire life is sitting by the hospital bed of my child when they were really ill. I am privileged to feel this way. It isn't as if there hasn't been trauma in my life, there have been multiple emergency surgeries, I was attacked twice as a young adult, I was a passenger in a major car accident, etc. but they happened to me and therefore don't phase me much as they are in my control to shape how I view them. Shaping my child's view of the world to be a resilient as possible is my duty but harder to control than my own.

@NutCheeseBag

Completely agree with you. Also the wincing and sharp intake of breath as my grandchildren climb or run or whatever. They’re fine. They know what they’re capable of and a parent/capable adult is always nearby.

This drives me absolutely batty!

I agree with you. I am very frightened of flying but always put on a brave face and never mentioned it but got mad once when my now ex mentioned my fear in front of the children. I suffer from anxiety and had to really tread carefully when they were younger so I didn’t project my fears onto them.

I agree. I have encountered lots of medical / dental staff who seem to want to talk my kids into being afraid of an injection. Kids totally fine about it, we've spoken about how it hurts more when the bastard cat scratches and then we get there ans the medical / dental professional keeps asking 'are you ok' 'it's not very nice is it' and so one... not just once either! Really pisses me off. Obviously sympathise with people who have severe phobias but hobestly people are a bit dramatic.

Ex mil goes on ridiculous over wasps and exh was scared of them through her, luckily my dc’s take after me and aren’t bothered about then and find her screaming and running about amusing

Oh god SO agree with you. I had to step far away from a friend who would go on and on in front of her son, about how awful it is that they can't keep the same teacher right through primary school, poor Jack would never cope with a new teacher who didn't understand him, etc, etc, in FRONT of him.

Of course Jack is now a disruptive wee bugger, fully egged on by his mum, who thinks he is too special to be disciplined.

I know what you mean. I told my son (toddler age) without really thinking a few weeks ago that snakes are dangerous and can hurt you. And I really regret it because he immediately absorbed that throwaway comment and has been talking about ‘scary snakes’ ever since. It’s brought home to me how much they internalise what adults say.

But on balance I think YABU because scared adults do exist, just like all sorts of other people.

YANBU OP. I’m scared of dogs and since having kids I’ve tried to hide it so I don’t pass it on to my kids, so I’m going “ooh what a lovely doggy” whilst silently crapping myself with fear! I like spiders and snakes though so no acting there! But don’t get me started on the dentist….. I can’t even hide it any more but the kids are old enough to laugh at me, and DD even enjoys going - weird!

But yes I agree with you - don’t pass your fears onto kids. Unless they’re genuine e.g. wariness of strangers

100000%

Not a fear as such but my mother had/has a very severe eating disorder and used to label certain (most, actually) foods as ‘disgusting’ ‘vomit inducing’ when we were children and this has carried on with me into adulthood.

I completely agree with you.
If someone is genuinely terrified of something and they can’t hide their response then that is different to bringing it up in conversation, I think.

You can hide your own fears and I agree about conversations about the future are completely unnecessary (friend saying how frightened they are of the dentist that they are going tomorrow).

However if it is immediate then I think your children need to learn that some people are afraid of different things. Depending on age and if you know it could be explained - Aunt Sarah was bitten by a dog so she is afraid of them, most dogs are really nice though as long as you are very careful.

Also important if for example need to explain that your dog needs to stay in the kitchen because Aunt Sarah is visiting (if you are doing that.)

I think I'm inclined to agree, OP.

I do think children should be taught to understand that different people are scared of different things, and that they should be empathetic and kind about that (eg if Grandpa has a phobia about deep water, be nice about it and don't laugh at him when he doesn't want to go swimming, etc). But it's perfectly possible to help children understand that without passing that on to them or suggesting that being scared of that stuff is the default, if you see what I mean.

For instance, when I was little I knew that my mum was very claustrophobic and that my dad was scared of heights, but neither of them talked about that in a way that made me scared of those things - my mum hates lifts because of her claustrophobia and sometimes my dad and I would get the lift somewhere and she'd take the stairs, but it was more like 'Mummy is a bit scared of lifts - isn't that silly? I know they're perfectly safe and you and Daddy love them but I'm going to use the stairs this time and I'll see you two at the top.' It was never 'Arrrgh, lifts! Oh my god, terrifying. So claustrophobic! How can you bear to get in one of those? Horrible things, crammed into a little box and not knowing if it'll get stuck.'

I was the zoo once and looking round the reptile house and there was a woman with her young child and she kept saying 'Ewwww, snakes! Snakes are so scary, aren't they? All slimy and horrible! Nasty. I'm glad they can't get out, aren't you?' and I thought 'Why on earth would you carry on like that in front of a four-year-old?'

My SIL is fussy with food and every time anyone eats anything she disapproves of (which is most things, as far as I can tell) she makes a massive deal of it and says things like 'Ugh, gross! How can you eat that? It smells horrible / looks disgusting / has a horrible texture' and she says that in front of her kids, who have absolutely picked up on this and do/say all the same things

At nursery my children went from being fine with spiders to screaming about them. One of them is still frightened now ( although not phobia levels anymore) and im pretty sure its because of the way nurseryworkers reacted to them in front of the children

I’m inclined to agree, OP. I have a terrible fear of flying (more the being trapped in the metal tube than the height thing, am also claustrophobic as well)
I made sure not to pass my fears on to DS, and by 14 he had been on 2 school trips involving flying - one to Spain & one to America, and several ferry trips all without fear. Bizarrely, he avoids travel now as has become prone to travel sickness!!🤷‍♀️
It’s not fair to pass your fears on, particularly to young children, it can hamper them in life, imo.

I’ve got a friend who not only has her 2yo completely hysterically afraid of spiders, but actually uses it as a way to get him to do what he wants. Like ‘OMG DONT GO NEAR THERE/DO THAT, THERES A SPIDER OVER THERE’!!! 🙄

Yes OP you’re totally right, and can we include similar comments like ‘I was rubbish at maths at school, numbers frighten me, and as for all those x’s and y’s….’ .

I think you’re being a little silly.

I notice this everywhere nowadays. I don’t understand why. When I was younger having adventures, travelling, back packing across Europe at 18 were things people aspired to do. I don’t seem to meet people who enjoy or desire these things anymore. Maybe it’s just the people I’m surrounded by right now in life. They’re so full of fears (won’t drive anywhere but within the local town, won’t walk home alone after work, overthink everything, afraid of … everything, really). I do have fears and have definitely experienced periods of anxiety (still do sometimes) but mostly the things I fear are very different things. My loved ones being happy and healthy is really all that matters to me.

I don’t know if the frustration I feel about this is down to how I was raised (my dad in particular taught me to be fearless, resilient and independent. My mum was a worrier but hid it from me because she wanted me to be independent).

I think that something in our culture has altered. I do wonder if I’m alone with this thought.

I'm terrified of flying but I put on a brave face with everything as I believe its mind over matter so I want my children to feel like anything is possible.