Keep your fear away from my children

[washingmachines4]

I am so sick of adults talking about their fears in front of my kids. I think it is so detrimental.
Another Mum, family member etc. would say: 'I have to go to the dentist this week so it'll be a terrible week, I am frightened', screaming at spiders, saying how frightened they are to go swimming, get on a bike, get on a plane, go into London, walk home at dusk. (Live in a really safe area by the way and this isn't about kids walking home, these are fully grown adults just talking about how frightened they are by life).
It is not that I don't have empathy for people with anxiety, who have to live with fear everyday but, sincerely - KEEP YOUR FEAR AWAY FROM MY KIDS! It is detrimental to them. You want to talk to me about your fears - fine - call me after the kids are in bed and I will be calm, empathetic and either be the listening ear or assist with solutions, whatever you want. But leave these growing little impressionable brains out of it!
I don't like spiders - pre kids I would scream if there was a big one, now we name them, trap them and put them outside - why? Because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. I still hate the things (although confess since feeling obliged to be nice to them for my children the 'fear' has diminished, although not gone) . We don't live in Australia, we live in the UK and there isn't a rational reason to be frightened. In Australia they don't promote fear - they promote education and I have yet to meet an Aussie who shits themselves even when presented with a big bite capable spider!
Sorry for the rant. I just fell across a complete stranger yesterday who decided to try and put whatever fears were in her head into my child's and I have seen red a bit. I'll go and have a cup of tea now.

I don't think I've ever had someone do that in front of my kids per se, but I am sick and tired of society/media playing up bullshit like kidnapping/people trafficking as if a stranger is waiting round every corner, and as if most kidnapping isn't carried out by family members/estranged partner, and as if people traffickers would risk snatching well-off kids from developed countries whose vanishing would spark off a huge manhunt, when sadly they have a whole world of places with a lot more vulnerable kids and many fewer police where they can obtain them much more easily.

@RobotValkyrie

There is a kind of irony in here: by worrying that fearful adults may "contaminate" her children's fragile brains, OP is displaying a certain amount of "toxic" misplaced fear herself.

But that's alright. We all have fears, reasonable or not, and it's only natural to be protective of your own children.

I find personally that talking about fears does help. My youngest is afraid of bugs. I remind him I'm afraid of snakes. Then we talk about which bugs and which snakes are actually dangerous, and the ridiculously low odds of ever facing them. And how our primitive brains are hardwired to feel fear, rightly or wrongly. And how the more evolved part of our brains can help us analyse facts and make decisions when feelings alone are unreliable indicators of actual danger. But also of how feelings are real, and do matter when they hurt, and we shouldn't feel ashamed of them.
I'm not afraid of adult fears hurting my kids. They are fully equipped to deal with that situation, should it arise. We just talk things through, calmly and methodically. Over-emotive talk has little hold on them.

That's how I felt too when reading this post. By making certain subjects taboo or being afraid of fear, you're teaching your kids that certain emotions are off-limits or shameful to talk about.

Furthermore, while I will not bring up certain topics that are inappropriate for children in front of a child, I will not adhere to such extreme levels of self-censoring. I'd encourage to parents who think like that to keep their kids away from me, if they feel I am such a bad influence.

I feel like I would be inadvertently drawn into coparenting kids I never chose to have.

Maybe just raise your kids. Instead of trying to control other people's voices: influence your own kids brain and logical thoughts

Explain that everyone's different and we all have different fears. Don't shelter them. Don't blame other either

I see your point OP but if a wasp lands on me I'm screaming and flapping like an idiot I'm afraid

To add, I'm not sure all fears are learnt. I'm not afraid of spiders, I'll happily catch one and take it outside, as will DH, but my DD is terrified of them. She's not learned that from us.

I have to agree. I have an actual phobia (thunderstorms) and when little my kids don't know. They knew we had music and dance parties sometimes when it was storming or if I was particularly bad I said my head was hurting and left them with their dad while I had a lie down. I've always told them about how fascinating storms are etc.

The older ones 16 and 12 now know I have a bad phobia of them, but they both love them as I've tried my very best not to let it impact their childhood

why? Genuine question, really curious.

Various reasons

• sometimes fears are borne out of instinct - if someone has a fear of dogs it’s not a bad thing seeing as some are dangerous creatures!
• it will literally have a minimum impact on their life. Many people who fear flying will never see the need to fly and holiday in their home country. A wasp fear is only relevant in the few months in the UK where they may buzz around you a little before one of you moves away.
• therapy to face phobias is expensive and not a priority for many who rarely have their phobia come out.

I say this as someone who DID have a crippling fear and invested money in overcoming it. I was terrified of heights. It never really bothered me until I had a family and if we went to a tourist attraction, theme park etc I’d be the ‘coat holder’ at the bottom waiting for everyone to finish. But I missed out on family fun so I but the bullet and went to hypnotherapy on the recommendation of a friend. £70 per session - but it worked a treat! I mean I won’t be checking myself out a plane or doing a bungee jump any time soon but I can go fell walking, go up high tourist attractions now etc.

But that’s because there was a personal benefit to me, and it was impeding my life in that I couldn’t enjoy all experiences with my kids. I certainly didn’t do it to feed into someone else wanting to shield their children from normal human emotions and would I fuck ‘hide’ my phobia do fear of upsetting another parent’s methods.

Tell your kids that some people have phobias and it’s unpleasant. The end. You’re the parent, you can’t avoid that shit things happen to people but you can educate them and help them understand that with empathy.

Agree. Was walking 3 of my dogs this weekend. They are tiny (chihuahuas) were on short leads (fixed, not extendable) not barking or doing anything, just trundling along, having a walk. A couple with 2 children walked towards us and the mother had a melt down and literally started screaming at her husband to pick up the smallest child. Literally shrieking “pick her up, pick her up, those dogs aren’t safe”!!! We were at least 20 feet away and the path we were on was 20-30 ft wide, plenty of room for all of us! The child started crying and my dogs had no idea why this random woman was screaming, so all just sat down!! It was ridiculous and I thought at the time, an absolutely brilliant way to instill the fear of dogs into your kids!!

@hangrylady

I see your point OP but if a wasp lands on me I'm screaming and flapping like an idiot I'm afraid

Me too unfortunately! I just hate them. This time of year is ok, but not in the autumn when they've done their work for the year and are just out to get us :)

@PlasticineMeg - I see your point. I respect it too. Also, it will have done your kids more good than not seeing you overcome something - especially doing it for the family - makes you a good Mum.

My issue with not overcoming something is that the kids might view it as ok to 'give up' and live with something that makes them unhappy if that makes sense. But I suppose if the fear is of something you wouldn't or would almost never encounter then I guess it is easily ignored with no big impact.

I am not actually seeking to censor my kids world. I had a reaction to the fact that whilst my child was actively trying to overcome something she finds difficult she encountered a nay sayer who was discouraging and fear mongering and it took us hours to undo the damage. And I am angry at myself too as I didn't manage to disengage from her quickly enough for it not to impact my DC. Like I said before, this woman wasn't evil, she didn't realise how damaging what she was saying was.

@Buildingthefuture

Agree. Was walking 3 of my dogs this weekend. They are tiny (chihuahuas) were on short leads (fixed, not extendable) not barking or doing anything, just trundling along, having a walk. A couple with 2 children walked towards us and the mother had a melt down and literally started screaming at her husband to pick up the smallest child. Literally shrieking “pick her up, pick her up, those dogs aren’t safe”!!! We were at least 20 feet away and the path we were on was 20-30 ft wide, plenty of room for all of us! The child started crying and my dogs had no idea why this random woman was screaming, so all just sat down!! It was ridiculous and I thought at the time, an absolutely brilliant way to instill the fear of dogs into your kids!!

That’s very different though, that’s pushing your anxiety and fears onto somebody else, namely a small child who believes in everything you believe in. Now THAT I can get angry about. But talking about a personal phobia in front of other is not the same

How about those with mental health issues carry on living their lives the best they can?

Instead of accepting the fact that your daughter is not able to be as tough as you and reflecting on what you can do you are misdirecting your anger. So angry because you can't make your daughter just not scared. You've finally found a fear you can't conquer and it makes you feel like a failure.

People don't have phobias because they're lazy. Your daughter is set back because she's not actually over her fear. She's just learning that expressing it near you is unacceptable. Seeing someone else express their fears to you made her feel like she could also. But it's just because you can't talk over a stranger and make them 'work on their phobias'. To your daughter it looked like you were accepting the woman for who she was and not trying to change or stifle her.

If you're really going to go down this path I suggest you interrupt people that begin to talk about their phobias and talk to them about it like you do with your children. At least they'll have consistency.

Couldn't agree more OP. I'm scared of spiders. My children have no clue of this. They think I'm absolutely fine around them as I've hidden my fear from them so they don't copy it. Unfortunately other people in their life-2 teachers and grandparent outwardly show huge fear so my children have a fear too 🙄 I tried. It was out if my control. It's irritating but all I can do is calmly tell them spiders are absolutely fine, nothing to be scared about.

My ex mother in law is terrified of thunderstorms because her mother used to hide her in a cupboard whenever there was one. I used to watch storms, like you do fireworks, just to make sure both ds and mil got brave.

I’m the same as you, sadly. As a result, I really struggle with picnics in late summer. It certainly hasn’t helped that a few years ago I was very badly stung.

It hasn’t led to my DDs (now 13 and 10) developing that phobia, though. Curiously, they’re petrified of spiders whereas I’m not at all. So it doesn’t follow that phobias are learned from parents or other adults.

Completely agree. Trying to cannulate it take blood from a child is very difficult if the parent is getting them selves in a state.