Keep your fear away from my children

[washingmachines4]

I am so sick of adults talking about their fears in front of my kids. I think it is so detrimental.
Another Mum, family member etc. would say: 'I have to go to the dentist this week so it'll be a terrible week, I am frightened', screaming at spiders, saying how frightened they are to go swimming, get on a bike, get on a plane, go into London, walk home at dusk. (Live in a really safe area by the way and this isn't about kids walking home, these are fully grown adults just talking about how frightened they are by life).
It is not that I don't have empathy for people with anxiety, who have to live with fear everyday but, sincerely - KEEP YOUR FEAR AWAY FROM MY KIDS! It is detrimental to them. You want to talk to me about your fears - fine - call me after the kids are in bed and I will be calm, empathetic and either be the listening ear or assist with solutions, whatever you want. But leave these growing little impressionable brains out of it!
I don't like spiders - pre kids I would scream if there was a big one, now we name them, trap them and put them outside - why? Because it is the RIGHT THING TO DO. I still hate the things (although confess since feeling obliged to be nice to them for my children the 'fear' has diminished, although not gone) . We don't live in Australia, we live in the UK and there isn't a rational reason to be frightened. In Australia they don't promote fear - they promote education and I have yet to meet an Aussie who shits themselves even when presented with a big bite capable spider!
Sorry for the rant. I just fell across a complete stranger yesterday who decided to try and put whatever fears were in her head into my child's and I have seen red a bit. I'll go and have a cup of tea now.

My Mil is scared of everything. Too cold out, too hot out, too windy, be careful of dog poo, food poisoning, etc and yes telling her she won’t like X . DD kind of laughs about it at times because I point it out to DH in front of DC as I don’t believe in covering up for people

There's no point trying to raise your DCs in a bubble where nobody has any fears about anything. It's better to let them hear it and then counter it.
For one, if your DCs are frightened of something, you're creating an expectation that they need to keep quiet about it or hide it. It's normal to have some fears. Some are irrational. Others aren't. You can only teach your DCs which is which if they are exposed to both imo.

Yabu. I have a completely irrational fear of a specific animal. I've been quite clear with my dc that I am terrified of it (itself, the fur, the noise, the movement).

I have also assured them that it is irrational. They have absoloutley zero fear of it, love to pet them, hold them etc. As they know the thing isn't actually to be feared.

Here kids are taught healthy respect, just don’t touch the spider or snake, tell a grown up and they will deal with it

Very true. Only issue is when your kids are in their 20’s and still come tell you so you can deal with it. Seriously, thong the fucker and move on. I do relocate Orbs, Crosses etc that have made their home on the front door, would never kill those but that’s only after a revolving chorus of people going in/out yelling ‘mum, spider on the door for you’. Inside ones are generally never great (apart from harmless daddy long legs in the corners of rooms) so they are dispatched.

I can’t say I have come across others with a fear of spiders here, only people who never grew up here and just don’t get it. They don’t seem to affect kids though and make them scared also, kids just think they are funny .

@Cocobeau

I remember sitting outside a pub last year with my husband and a bee taking an interest in our table. I don't like buzzy thing, but I'm a grown up who understands flapping around doesn't help, so I sat and waited for it to bugger off. It then flew to the next table which was occupied by two adults - mother and grandmother I assume - plus two children. The instant hysteria that was started by the women was ridiculous. Jumping up and screeching, pull the kids away. Then the older one said something like "some people are allergic to bees and they die if they get stung". It was utterly pathetic and I imagine those two kids will now spend their lives needlessly terrified and probably trying to kill any passing bees.

Our neighbour when we were kids was stung in the throat by a wasp or bee that was in his ale. He swallowed it. Isle of Wight, when he was on holiday. He did in fact die of anaphylactic shock.

However, most people don’t die, and wasps are just a hazard at certain times of year.
The second sting seems to trigger a response in allergic people.

@Llamapolice

Going against the grain but I disagree. Your children will go through life encountering all kinds of people scared of all sorts of things, you cannot shield them from this and nor should you, fear is a normal human emotion. You can teach them that some fears are irrational, many people have them, and how to deal with fears. They will take their cue from you anyway.

This is how I feel. I'm in favour of appropriate emotional honesty.

I think in evolutionary terms it makes sense for children to pick up more on the negative views than the positive - it could mean their survival if it's sensible things like 'fire is very dangerous, don't touch'.

Unfortunately it isn't such a success though when the adults around are telling them to be afraid of things that aren't dangerous and that they won't like things that are good for them!

Fear is completely natural and children are allowed to be afraid. I try not to show my fears in front of DS but more importantly I show how I handle my fear. I talk myself through it and take deep breaths and show him what we do to keep calm when we're afraid. But also, saying to your child "some people are really afraid of spiders, that's OK, people are afraid of all sorts of things. But you don't need to be afraid, just give them space, they're not interested in you." Being afraid is OK, everyone gets afraid, but here's a way of keeping yourself calm.

For spider fear-
At least none in UK are venomous.
An Aussie takes Huntsman spiders in her stride- tea plate sized beasts.
Non venomous though, but colossal

@Llamapolice

Going against the grain but I disagree. Your children will go through life encountering all kinds of people scared of all sorts of things, you cannot shield them from this and nor should you, fear is a normal human emotion. You can teach them that some fears are irrational, many people have them, and how to deal with fears. They will take their cue from you anyway.

I agree with this. You can't really protect children from other people's conversation and reactions.

Also, I don't think that it is necessarily true that fear is passed on from parent to child.I didn't know that my mother was terrified of spiders before I came across my own first eight legged monster. I was maybe 5 years old and in the top bed of our set of bunk beds. It had joined me on the pillow and utterly terrified me.

I've had a horror of large spiders ever since.

I used to snuff out the conversation when people started up like this 'I am sorry that sounds hard, lets talk about it later' that kind of thing, and completely stop the conversation.

My dm is the worst saying to the dc 'I wouldn't want to be you, we live in a terrible world now'
Thanks a bunch Mum, I happen to think some of this terrible stuff is actually GOOD for my kids, building resilience and appreciation and gratitude unlike her effortless boomer life. Bad stuff is actually good, thats how I talk to my kids. When people are scared, I ask my dc when they have left how they think they can fix it/reframe it if it were them. Empower them
Shut down the dementors
Hold on to your children's joy

It is actually totally irresponsible to talk like that in front of children on a loop of negative fear, I have no time for it at all. Your dc will have a lifetime of this crap to look forward to from some people, so maybe shutting them down is a good example of showing others that you are not their therapist!!

I'm not like this and I don't know anyone like this. I feel very fortunate reading this.

Also, not to harp on the spider point, but although UK spiders won't kill you, you can have an allergic reaction to spider bites. I've had a few spider bites in the UK that weren't pleasant because I had a bad reaction to them. I'd rather avoid that happening again if possible.

@LunaMay - I would struggle with venemous spiders in the house, I would need to have a few coping mechanisms in place I think - we have a lot of false widows in my house, they can bite but no one is going to die so I encourage the kids not to pick them up and to call me and I'll relocate them.
I met a very large cockroach in a zoo in sydney which was a positive comfortable experience so I would hope I would be ok with meeting one in a more natural setting but I haven't met one in a natural setting to know. Doubtless I'll find out one day.

I do not think negative and vocalising every last fear is emotional honesty, truly I don't, most people are not interested remotely in your 'emotional honesty' and just want to have a good time with their children. Dragging others down with a diatribe of your own fears is narc behaviour, especially if you are sowing fear amongst young children.
Talk to a therapist, your best friend when she is free and if she wants to listen, but don't assume others are remotely interested in hearing your 'honesty' in front of their children!

If your child has fears then listening and reassuring and allowing them to reframe it is probably best, but giving them a long shopping list of things to be terrified is NOT good parenting in my view.

I dunno, can you censor the world?

I listen to people saying all sorts of shit I don;t agree with, and that I consider pretty negative, and I have just taught my children my way and to ignore the stuff I think is bullshit.

One thing I do think is 'resilience' has got pretty toxic now, kids and adults alike are no longer allowed to have a bad day. It needs dialling back down as what was a useful message is now just the modern equivalent of the stiff upper lip. I have been reading a lot about toxic positivity and am now more likely to be pissed off if someone is pressuring my kids to be resilient than I am if they talk about a fear.

I dunno, can you censor the world?

No, but you can choose the company you keep wisely.

I mean fear is a valid emotion I don’t think it harms kids to see adults having emotions. I’m petrified of spiders, my kids know I am but they’re not scared of them at all, they pick them up and take them outside for me. I’m scared of the dentist too and my kids know that- they’re not scared of the dentist though.
I think it’s important for kids to understand that people can be anxious about things that aren’t necessarily an actual danger at all and overcome that, it’s a normal part of life

Agree OP. Aren’t humans only born with two fears anyway - falling and loud noises? The rest are cultural or learned.

@Swayingpalmtrees

I dunno, can you censor the world?

No, but you can choose the company you keep wisely.

I have raised perfectly happy kids without having to avoid people who are scared of stuff. None of their fears affected my kids.

Maybe not giving too much attention is the best thing.

I call these people Goldilocks and the 3 Bears…too hard too soft-but never “just right”

A lot of people are suffering with it, could it be due to lockdown? Finding fault with everything so you can never make a choice. Decision inertia and fear of making the wrong choice as well

@Ntsure

I mean fear is a valid emotion I don’t think it harms kids to see adults having emotions. I’m petrified of spiders, my kids know I am but they’re not scared of them at all, they pick them up and take them outside for me. I’m scared of the dentist too and my kids know that- they’re not scared of the dentist though. I think it’s important for kids to understand that people can be anxious about things that aren’t necessarily an actual danger at all and overcome that, it’s a normal part of life

I agree with this.

I have frind who is scared of balloons, a phobia since childhood. She did not learn it from anyone, nor has she passed it to her own children, or anyone else.

Completely agree.

Some people like the drama of the screaming.

I really dislike spiders but you would never know it as I somehow deal with them when my children called me about them.

Funnily enough 2 of them really don't like them either.

The food thing is huge.
I never allowed any discussion about food being yuk.

Anything other than thank you and positive noises of enjoyment I didn't want to hear as children are influenced by others saying something is yuk.