Man I Barely Know Behaving A Bit Strangely

[SucculentChalice]

Thoughts on this situation please? I do a hobby and a mutual friend decided to have a party and invite some of us who do the hobby to it. She set up a WhatsApp group for all who were coming so we could arrange lift shares etc as she lives about 8 miles south of the city. I live south of the city but closer to town, so I messaged on the group that I could give a lift to anyone who lived on that side of town to hers for the party, since I don't usually drink.

A man, lets call him Charles, messaged me privately to say could he please have a lift. I asked him where he lived and it was in the north of the city, which is a 35- 40 minute drive in the wrong direction for me. So an extra hour and 20 minutes in total there and back, right through the city itself.

I messaged him back to say that I was only able to give people lifts who lift on the same side as me, but I would ask another friend, lets call her Susan, who lived near him to give him a lift instead. No reply. In the meantime I had messaged Susan.

So at the party both were there and Susan told me she had indeed given him a lift. Charles spent much of the party going out of his way to glare at me sullenly, without speaking, and brushed past me a couple of times, nearly knocking a drink out of my hand and physically knocking into me the next time, so much so that someone I was talking to commented on it. It was very creepy, but I decided not to pay too much attention as I was having a good night.

The next time I did a competition with the hobby, he was there and he did the same thing, staring at me, almost menacingly, and deliberately walking past me a couple of times and bumping into me. At a further event last weekend, he did the same thing, but the bumping into me seemed even rougher and I shouted at him "what on earth do you think you are doing?" but he ignored me. Completely blanked me. No response. Didn't even look at me (which tbh made a change from the previous glaring).

What on earth is he up to? I barely know this man. I've seen him around at events but have never actually spoken to him. Is he dangerous? How do I stop him behaving like this? There is no sensible, central figure that I could speak to really to have a word with him and I have the feeling that people might think I'm making it up.

FWIW I have a partner who is currently working away, and I think Charles must know this, as he will have seen me with him previously.

It really needs to be refuted, this idea that someone that 'fancies' you can use abuse. It's almost drummed into us at school - oh he pulls your hair? He fancies you! Or he keeps bumping into you? He fancies yoy!

Men go along with this - any attention is good attention. Even when they are crashing into you. He wants you attention - for something. For revenge (for spurning him?) or to make himself noticable to you.

I'm sorry that you feel you have to change routes/days/times to avoid him. What will you do if he suddenly turns at one of these, instead? There will be an organiser of the Parkrun; whether they do anything is another matter. They are the ones doing the 'intro' and welcome to new members, at the start.

I like the 'football fall' idea - drew others' attention to him. To his abuse. Do it every time. Shout. Call after him. Someone will have seen, and more will notice.

And never be alone with him, even on the run itself.

Next time he does it ensure that you fall down with astonished cries - that should learn him.

As fun as it sounds, I'd be wary of the 'football dive' type advice. If you're saying no-one else has noticed yet and you then do this - it may well be the first time people notice is when you've done a fake fall, which could make people question who is telling the truth.

Stick to the truth. Raise it with the organisers and loudly and firmly call him out on shoving you (without the dramatic fall).

Sorry you're having to go through this. Thus is threatening behaviour and he's niw taken it to a physical level. One can only imagine the anger and resentment someone needs to hold to behave in this way. He is likely taking the piss and frightening you because you're a woman, as horrible types like this do. Notify the police just in case. No one should be giving him a lift or allowing him to attend events after this behaviour. This is a grown-up version of a school bully - they think they can get their way, punish people and control the group by menacing behaviour and the whole group will need to show him that this is not tolerated. You should not have to deal with this alone.

The words ‘strange’ or ‘weird’ behaviour in this situation is grossly misleading. It’s way more than that. It’s assault and he’s dangerous. The arrogant deliberate intimidation of a woman is not strange or weird. Downplaying of this type of behaviour has to stop. Not meaning to sound dramatic but nearly all the awful cases of stalking and harassment start out with seemingly ‘innocuous’ incidents like this then escalate. PP mentioned you’ve already tolerated too much and I agree. As mentioned before, I really think you should at least speak to the non emergency line. The Police say they are committed to taking women seriously about these incidents so why not take them at their word

OP if you are on Strava please lock down your profile to (in person) friends only.

Honestly if I was in this situation I would try to speak to him directly in person and ask if I have upset him in some way. I know it is sort of playing to his drama but at least it's out there then. However I suppose it is likely he would just say 'No I'm fine' but then continue to behave strangely.

@elisenbrunnen

It really needs to be refuted, this idea that someone that 'fancies' you can use abuse. It's almost drummed into us at school - oh he pulls your hair? He fancies you! Or he keeps bumping into you? He fancies yoy!

Men go along with this - any attention is good attention. Even when they are crashing into you. He wants you attention - for something. For revenge (for spurning him?) or to make himself noticable to you.

I'm sorry that you feel you have to change routes/days/times to avoid him. What will you do if he suddenly turns at one of these, instead? There will be an organiser of the Parkrun; whether they do anything is another matter. They are the ones doing the 'intro' and welcome to new members, at the start.

I like the 'football fall' idea - drew others' attention to him. To his abuse. Do it every time. Shout. Call after him. Someone will have seen, and more will notice.

And never be alone with him, even on the run itself.

Men definitely think any attention is good attention We on the other hand find it scary and intimidating I remember years ago at a party a really odd guy fancied one of the girls. She wasn’t interested and he turned really nasty and some other men had to get rid of him I’d like to see some men stepping up for OP here. I do know men who would tell him to back off - is there anyone in the group that would fit the bill. Probably someone a bit macho/Neanderthal as these modern guardian reading men are no good for that sort of thing.

I remember years ago at a party a really odd guy fancied one of the girls. She wasn’t interested and he turned really nasty and some other men had to get rid of him

I'd love it if something got rid of him!

I’d like to see some men stepping up for OP here. I do know men who would tell him to back off - is there anyone in the group that would fit the bill. Probably someone a bit macho/Neanderthal as these modern guardian reading men are no good for that sort of thing.

Not really. They're runners. The guys are not really macho types. I think the race director is my best bet, though I may do a different park run this weekend anyway.

Part of this is probably happening because I tend to turn up to races on my own and warm up alone and not chat or stand about all that much in a group, I just want to get on with it. So "Charles" probably views that as me being isolated, when in reality I'm just concentrating.

@elisenbrunnen

It really needs to be refuted, this idea that someone that 'fancies' you can use abuse. It's almost drummed into us at school - oh he pulls your hair? He fancies you! Or he keeps bumping into you? He fancies yoy!

Men go along with this - any attention is good attention. Even when they are crashing into you. He wants you attention - for something. For revenge (for spurning him?) or to make himself noticable to you.

I'm sorry that you feel you have to change routes/days/times to avoid him. What will you do if he suddenly turns at one of these, instead? There will be an organiser of the Parkrun; whether they do anything is another matter. They are the ones doing the 'intro' and welcome to new members, at the start.

I like the 'football fall' idea - drew others' attention to him. To his abuse. Do it every time. Shout. Call after him. Someone will have seen, and more will notice.

And never be alone with him, even on the run itself.

I think the phrase that needs refuting is "he fancies you". Nope. Men look for opportunities to use women for their own ends. To look after them, to give them attention, service their needs, noisy their egos, listen to them. They look to ab-use them in other words. Genuinely fancying someone is nothing to do with this behaviour.

Boost not noisy!

@PonyPatter44

Play him at his own nasty game. Make sure your friends in the hobby group know about him, infer a lot but say nothing slanderous. Do childish things like looking at him, then nodding knowingly to your friend and laughing. He'll hate it.

I know some people will say deliberately provoking him is bad...and this advice may not work for you. I do not tolerate this sort of behaviour well, myself.

Dreadful advice, don't do this OP, if he can get angry about not getting a lift from you then goodness knows what he's capable of, it sounds like he has a very short fuse and a total dick to boot, it would be interesting to hear how his behaviour was when "Susan" gave him a lift.

@vitahelp

Honestly if I was in this situation I would try to speak to him directly in person and ask if I have upset him in some way. I know it is sort of playing to his drama but at least it's out there then. However I suppose it is likely he would just say 'No I'm fine' but then continue to behave strangely.

This is dangerous advice! The OP does not need to confront the man assaulting her.

Please contact the event director with your name and athlete number, this guy's name and athlete number, and details of which events you both attended when he behaved badly towards you. As much detail as possible, please, including a description of what he looks like, as no one in the core team may know the runner by name alone.

Use the event email address - you can find it on their webpage.

If anyone has witnessed him being weird towards you at parkrun, please also provide their names and athlete numbers.

Even if you're going to a different event, it's important to get this logged, because no woman should be intimidated out of attending, and we do have linked up safeguarding procedures. Although the run director is a volunteer, there is a paid safeguarding lead who they will be able to bring in for assistance.

^ The above advice also stands for anyone who has messaged the OP privately and hasn't contacted parkrun. Please, please, please do. If you don't report it, no one can help make things better for you.

I'm an RD at parkrun - though prob not your one from what you say about geography- and our event team would def want to know about this.

If this is happening at the start/in the crowd rather than out on the course it's probably easier to deal with as we could ask the event team to keep a close eye on you and him during that bit- there's always some of the team who are running rather than organising each week so are in the crowd with everyone. At our event it would be easy to stand and chat with or beside the volunteer team if that makes you feel a bit safer too, but I'm not sure if that's possible everywhere depending on the set up.

We have the option of reporting incidents to parkrun HQ, and if the same runner has multiple incidents reported against them then HQ will take action (we've had to do this before with people swearing at volunteers for example).

I'd also echo advice about closing down your Strava and any other apps you use - mine has a privacy setting so the first mile to/from my house is blanked out as well.

If you email the parkrun event email that will go to the Event Director and they will hopefully be able to help. Don't let him drive you away though.

Please let us know what you decide to do and how it goes, OP. This kind of predatory behaviour gives me the heebie jeebies, as do the comments on here telling you to ignore it, or that you shouldn't have done such and such.

Cross posted with @alltheteeshirts above, totally agree- but you don't need to find athlete number to complain about him, we can easily get it from the results as long as you know his name.

Agree to complain to the leader. You’re being targeted because you’re female which is discrimination and I bet they have a policy around this/safeguarding. He’s like a stalker. It’s harassment and I would report it to the police online because if it escalates he can be prosecuted

@MarilynValentine

Mention it to as many people in the group you feel comfortable doing so with.

In fact make a WhatsApp group of those people and update them and say how freaked out you are by this man’s behaviour and how you would appreciate their support at the next gathering.

That's a great idea.

You could try the calling it out on a jokey type way. For example said in a jokey voice so others can hear “Charles thats the second time today you’ve bumped into me - are you ok or just in race mode“. If he doesn’t reply again said in a clear voice to others - “do you think he’s ok its just he kept bumping into me last week as well - I wondered if his balance was a bit off - has he done that to you to?” If they say no laugh and say “oh gosh hope I haven’t offended him somehow” and then just keep calling it out “Charles not this again it was three times you walked into me last week” etc if nothing else this will alert others in the group to how often it’s happening.

@itsalwayscycling

Cross posted with *@alltheteeshirts* above, totally agree- but you don't need to find athlete number to complain about him, we can easily get it from the results as long as you know his name.

Agreed, but if she knows it, it makes it easier to confirm who the correct individual is. With a common first name like Charles, there may be multiple people with the same name, so if she can pick him out of the results table on a given week, that would be helpful.

I've had complaints before with not enough information to trace the individual, which has been frustrating. It sounds like the OP has enough information to help her event team correctly identify the right Charles, and as you say, if they know who it is, there are some measures they can try locally to help (as well as logging as an incident to get him on HQ's radar).

Men being creepy is just not acceptable at parkrun. It's supposed to be a safe space for everyone.

This is assault and the fact he is physically assaulting you is a major red flag. You wouldn’t be overreacting to report this to the police.

Definitely agree with contacting the RD, but also see if you can get some friends aware of what's happening and standing next to you at the next park run. Then if he bumps into you again they can be the ones to call it out "Charles, watch where you're going, you just bumped into Succulent, aren't you going to apologise?" If they're male friends all the better.

This happens a lot to women. Which is why we want to be able to gather in women only environments where we can get on with enjoying ourselves/exercise/ socialise together without having to put up with this crap. So all those saying that it doesn’t bother them, should maybe think about those of us who it does bother. There is never just one.

@Monitaurus

This happens a lot to women. Which is why we want to be able to gather in women only environments where we can get on with enjoying ourselves/exercise/ socialise together without having to put up with this crap. So all those saying that it doesn’t bother them, should maybe think about those of us who it does bother. There is never just one.

Yes!