Man I Barely Know Behaving A Bit Strangely

[SucculentChalice]

Thoughts on this situation please? I do a hobby and a mutual friend decided to have a party and invite some of us who do the hobby to it. She set up a WhatsApp group for all who were coming so we could arrange lift shares etc as she lives about 8 miles south of the city. I live south of the city but closer to town, so I messaged on the group that I could give a lift to anyone who lived on that side of town to hers for the party, since I don't usually drink.

A man, lets call him Charles, messaged me privately to say could he please have a lift. I asked him where he lived and it was in the north of the city, which is a 35- 40 minute drive in the wrong direction for me. So an extra hour and 20 minutes in total there and back, right through the city itself.

I messaged him back to say that I was only able to give people lifts who lift on the same side as me, but I would ask another friend, lets call her Susan, who lived near him to give him a lift instead. No reply. In the meantime I had messaged Susan.

So at the party both were there and Susan told me she had indeed given him a lift. Charles spent much of the party going out of his way to glare at me sullenly, without speaking, and brushed past me a couple of times, nearly knocking a drink out of my hand and physically knocking into me the next time, so much so that someone I was talking to commented on it. It was very creepy, but I decided not to pay too much attention as I was having a good night.

The next time I did a competition with the hobby, he was there and he did the same thing, staring at me, almost menacingly, and deliberately walking past me a couple of times and bumping into me. At a further event last weekend, he did the same thing, but the bumping into me seemed even rougher and I shouted at him "what on earth do you think you are doing?" but he ignored me. Completely blanked me. No response. Didn't even look at me (which tbh made a change from the previous glaring).

What on earth is he up to? I barely know this man. I've seen him around at events but have never actually spoken to him. Is he dangerous? How do I stop him behaving like this? There is no sensible, central figure that I could speak to really to have a word with him and I have the feeling that people might think I'm making it up.

FWIW I have a partner who is currently working away, and I think Charles must know this, as he will have seen me with him previously.

I would be telling everyone I'm friendly with at parkrun exactly what he's been doing and making a huge fuss EVERY TIME he barged into me. ie. "WHAT the ACTUAL FUCK do you think you're doing keeping on banging into me like that??" "Stay AWAY from me you weirdo". Make everyone stare at him. Even if he denies it once he won't be able to keep on doing it - surely the people who know you at parkrun know you're a nice, sane person? Maybe other people have had creepy behaviour from this dickhead?

But I'm a bolshy cow. But you can bet your arse I would make him extremely sorry he had started that shit with me.

I know you shouldn't have to - but you need to go into warrior woman mode OP - get angry. Embarrass him.

What a nasty little looser creep.

Ditch the group for now and join a boxing or women's self defence class. This will help you with you body language, firm up your balance and stance and give you lots of beneficial skills. I think all Girls should be taught this at school.

Do log it with the organisers, check your social media privacy settings including LinkedIn if you're on it and also log it it with 101.

I wonder what kind of parents produce little creeps like this .

This has caught my attention OP. If you live in the Bath area, please PM me.

I'm a long time regular poster btw, just this rings a serious bell with me.

I think it's very bizarre to offer lifts to complete strangers ( dont know if any pp has already said this), regardless of the mutual hobby, as well as whether they are male and female. I would just be making my own way unless of course it was a close friend needed help getting there. If they have invested time and interest in that hobby, then they can find their own way there.

As for this guy, with the first time he budged into you, you should have spoken up and told him to clear off. He is clearly very rude and disgusting. Next time you see him, either walk off and stay as much apart as you can. Or even glare back. Dont let him get you down. Just because you couldnt offer him a lift doesnt mean he has to behave in this hideous manner.

@disorganisedasalways

Say something EVERY time. Then, after a couple of times, I would say LOUDLY "Charles, will you PLEASE STOP brushing up against me! I've asked you so many times to stop! It's really inappropriate that I keep having to tell you this!" He is trying to intimidate you and is doing this sneakily so that others might not notice. So make sure they do and he will probably back off. He's going to get himself a reputation of being a right creep!

This is good.

OP, I am on the core team for my local parkrun. We have had to deal with similar issues before.

We have offered the runner a "buddy" so they are not running or waiting alone. We have offered to have a word with the man in question. Most importantly we have made a note so that someone keeps an eye on that man at our events, including when the original female who raised the issue wasn't there (if he's like this with you he could be like this with others).

parkrun HQ have a safeguarding team who can advise event teams on how to handle problematic issues.

@AllTheYoungGoodyTwoShoes

That's awful OP, he's obvious a devious little sh!t who knows exactly what he's doing as you say he does it when no one is watching. I wonder what his history is, he's joined a group with lots of women involved. It's true what is said women are conditioned not to make a fuss when men do these things as we are made out to be 'crazy". You should go to the run director which I'm sure every Parkrun should have one. I hope he gets what he deserves.

I thought it was odd that he even asked me for a lift, given that he would be aware it would be a huge detour for me. I made it quite clear in my message to the group that it was only an offer for people who lived near me. Theres no way he could have misunderstood it. Any sensible, polite person would have realised that no-one would go miles out of their way to give them a lift to a party.

He was noticeably vaguely slightly odd in the background prior to this. I have no real idea whats going on in his head, but I do think he somehow thought he was "in with a chance with me", goodness knows why, and now he feels rejected. Theres clearly not a very rational thought process going on there.

I'm a bit hmmn about the group in general, previously when I was single a couple of members of it tried very seriously to match me up with a man of nearly 60 (I was 37 at the time) by setting it up so that I ended up getting a lift back home from him when I thought I was getting a lift from another woman. And then when I made it clear I was uninterested, one of the women kept pushing the point and has been "off" with me ever since. They've all seen me with my partner, they know I'm not single, so its just a bit...mmmn.

Several posters have asked me if its someone they have seen or heard of doing similar at park run. It hasn't been so far, but I'm concerned at the number of posters who have experienced it.

I agree with e mailing the organiser and also getting advice from the police. You will notice OP that nobody on this thread has gone ‘are you sure? You might be imagining’ and this is because what you are describing is very recognisably deliberate intimidation. He has ‘lost face’ and is now trying to punish you or make you leave. It would be very surprising if he does have form for similar behaviour.

Could you stick a leg out & trip him over?

Please do not get what you should or shouldn't "have" to do get in the way of your own and other women's safety.

Safe Whatsapp group. Log with Parkrun organisers. Partner to watch asap. Go Pro (if you fancy one anyway). Assertive calling out of any more aggro. Friend to support you at Parkrun.

*surprising if does not have form

@LookItsMeAgain

I think he wanted to hit on you during the lift that you were offering (prior to him being told that you wouldn't travel through the city and over to his place to pick him up) and this has put a MAJOR dent in his ego. He's bumping in to you to attract your attention. He's being very childish about it too.

I would definitely mention it to the friends that you were at the party with, even if they don't want to get involved, they could be on the look out for his behaviour to you.
Mention it like "Have you seen the way that Charles barges in to me and just ignores me at warm-up time? It's very upsetting as he just completely blanks me and doesn't apologise or anything"

I would echo the suggestions of getting a GoPro (or similar) to record your runs going forward.

Best of luck to you getting this sorted.

The expression on his face when he does it, its horrible. Really sort of fixated, no eye contact but eyes staring ahead, he looks really annoyed and angry and in a real temper, as if he's holding back from doing something more than just brushing against me. It really is the weirdest thing.

You need to have someone with you briefed beforehand at the time he tends to barge into you. They can confirm anything, or even point it out.

I, too, like the idea of falling dramatically the next time. You could pretend to have hurt your elbow or something, then your friend can shout at BM (Barging Man) and draw attention. If he knows someone else is "on to him" he may stop?

And yes, tell any run directors. It's scary how many women this could be happening to but the pieces are never put together. As much info as can be fed to as many people as possible will help, I think.

Some men really don't like it when a woman says no to them.

Rather naively, I responded to the party invite on the whatsapp group suggesting people offer lifts to others in the group. I thought it might be a good chance to buddy up with another woman as I was going to the party alone as DP is away with work. I actually didn't expect a man I barely knew to contact me asking for one. I mean I thought I could rely on people in the whatsapp group not doing anything to make someone else even feel the slightest risk of feeling uncomfortable. I guess I was wrong.

@PonyPatter44

Play him at his own nasty game. Make sure your friends in the hobby group know about him, infer a lot but say nothing slanderous. Do childish things like looking at him, then nodding knowingly to your friend and laughing. He'll hate it.

I know some people will say deliberately provoking him is bad...and this advice may not work for you. I do not tolerate this sort of behaviour well, myself.

This is some of the worst and most dangerous advice I have ever encountered on Mumsnet.
Please don't anyone respond in this way to a man who has targeted you and especially not one who has been physically assaulting you.

@PonyPatter44

Play him at his own nasty game. Make sure your friends in the hobby group know about him, infer a lot but say nothing slanderous. Do childish things like looking at him, then nodding knowingly to your friend and laughing. He'll hate it.

I know some people will say deliberately provoking him is bad...and this advice may not work for you. I do not tolerate this sort of behaviour well, myself.

This is terrible advice. Unless you're imagining the OP wants to escalate a situation involving someone who is clearly unpleasant and potentially dangerous.

OP,
He is a nasty piece of work and very deliberate.
He is assaulting you in front of people because he thinks he can.
I don't believe this is a once off with him at all.
I think the advice of the police is correct.
Find out what they advise.

Making a big scene about it, using his name, being really hurt, that he has done this multiple times etc.

Then go back to the police and report him.

He does this because he thinks he can.
You should of course report it to the run director.
The GoPro is a great idea.
Taking some photos of him also, if he notices you can tell him they are for the police report you are making about him.

You have already tolerated too much.

Make his life uncomfortable.

I'm so angry for you. How fucking dare he treat you like that?! I hope you are able to resolve it, I agree with shining a light on his behaviour and not keeping quiet whenever he physically assaults you though I understand your reasons for thinking you should.

I'm a bit hmmn about the group in general, previously when I was single a couple of members of it tried very seriously to match me up with a man of nearly 60 (I was 37 at the time) by setting it up so that I ended up getting a lift back home from him when I thought I was getting a lift from another woman. And then when I made it clear I was uninterested, one of the women kept pushing the point and has been "off" with me ever since. They've all seen me with my partner, they know I'm not single, so its just a bit...mmmn.

Yeah they don't sound too great. I would probably do a slow fade on them.

@SilverPeacock

I agree with e mailing the organiser and also getting advice from the police. You will notice OP that nobody on this thread has gone ‘are you sure? You might be imagining’ and this is because what you are describing is very recognisably deliberate intimidation. He has ‘lost face’ and is now trying to punish you or make you leave. It would be very surprising if he does have form for similar behaviour.

@SilverPeacock - I’d do this too.

This man sounds a bit unhinged and the aggressiveness and funny looks are not on.

Your spidey senses (gut) are flagging this up got a reason, don’t ignore them.

Do.you mean leave the WhatsApp group or the parkrun? This is so wrong: it shouldn't be the OP leaving.

@Lairymary

I know you don't really want to drag other people in, but could you ask maybe an "outsider" friend to attend the park run, either on the sidelines or as a particpant, yet they are purely there to monitor you with a phone or gopro. If you don't acknowledge each other he will still think he is being sneaky when he approaches you that no-one is going to notice.... meanwhile stand on the outside of the group so he has to go out of his way. I would also be vocal every time he does it.

I think this is a good idea. If you could surreptitiously catch a couple of incidents on video and then tell him that you have filmed his assaults and that if he doesn't fuck off you'll be showing them to the police. Or just show them to the police anyway.

Trip him when he tries to do it?

I would contact the RD, and start making a note of every time he does anything, so you have a record. Both for Parkrun and for the police if necessary. I would also consider doing a fade on the WhatsApp group, or at least pushing certain members of it to arms length if they’re also a bit odd.

What a bloody freak - hope you’re well rid of him soon.