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AIBU?

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Original poster

Man I Barely Know Behaving A Bit Strangely

192 replies

SucculentChalice · 18/04/2022 20:24

Thoughts on this situation please? I do a hobby and a mutual friend decided to have a party and invite some of us who do the hobby to it. She set up a WhatsApp group for all who were coming so we could arrange lift shares etc as she lives about 8 miles south of the city. I live south of the city but closer to town, so I messaged on the group that I could give a lift to anyone who lived on that side of town to hers for the party, since I don't usually drink.

A man, lets call him Charles, messaged me privately to say could he please have a lift. I asked him where he lived and it was in the north of the city, which is a 35- 40 minute drive in the wrong direction for me. So an extra hour and 20 minutes in total there and back, right through the city itself.

I messaged him back to say that I was only able to give people lifts who lift on the same side as me, but I would ask another friend, lets call her Susan, who lived near him to give him a lift instead. No reply. In the meantime I had messaged Susan.

So at the party both were there and Susan told me she had indeed given him a lift. Charles spent much of the party going out of his way to glare at me sullenly, without speaking, and brushed past me a couple of times, nearly knocking a drink out of my hand and physically knocking into me the next time, so much so that someone I was talking to commented on it. It was very creepy, but I decided not to pay too much attention as I was having a good night.

The next time I did a competition with the hobby, he was there and he did the same thing, staring at me, almost menacingly, and deliberately walking past me a couple of times and bumping into me. At a further event last weekend, he did the same thing, but the bumping into me seemed even rougher and I shouted at him "what on earth do you think you are doing?" but he ignored me. Completely blanked me. No response. Didn't even look at me (which tbh made a change from the previous glaring).

What on earth is he up to? I barely know this man. I've seen him around at events but have never actually spoken to him. Is he dangerous? How do I stop him behaving like this? There is no sensible, central figure that I could speak to really to have a word with him and I have the feeling that people might think I'm making it up.

FWIW I have a partner who is currently working away, and I think Charles must know this, as he will have seen me with him previously.

OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 19/04/2022 00:41

I would make sure people noticed him barging and pushing into you.
'Owww! Careful!' stagger a bit, play on it.
Surely he'll think twice before doing it again, then?
And, people will notice, so that if he does, they'll know its deliberate and weird, and aggressive.

Cultureclub · 19/04/2022 00:41

I think his behaviour is proof that casually arranging lifts for strangers isn't a great idea.

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 19/04/2022 00:42

Nobody call 111. It's the NHS direct number.

101 is the non emergency police number.

Pawtriarchal · 19/04/2022 01:30

@Greyarea12

Please don't do this. You asked he if was dangerous.. I would say potentially. I could almost bet he is abusive and therefore does not like women who say no to him and therefore because you 'dared' to say no to his request for a lift he is now attempting to intimidate you with the intention of scaring you. The fact that you stated you could give anyone a lift from the North of the city and he completely ignored that and expected you to go in the opposite direction says to me that he does not care about boundaries - He picked his target and you didn't adhere to his expectations which were for you go against what you had already said and go out your way for him - that was a test - you failed that test (thankfully).. therefore he wants to punish you starting with intimidation. If you had of passed his test you would of found yourself with a person who would of continued to push boundaries with you. The best thing you can do is to let as many people as possible aware of what he is doing so that way if it escalates then others are already aware. I would also ignore and avoid. Block him on your phone and that way he won't see any messages you post in the group chat and vice versa.
This. He pushed your boundaries to ‘test’ them and you reinforced them. He didn’t like that and so no he’s upped his game aggression wise. If you’d given him the lift, he’d likely have also kept in other pushing in other ways to get what he wants. Either way - he makes sure he gets his way. He’s dangerous and your instincts should definitely be trusted. It’s mentioned a lot on here but Gavin de Becker’s book: ‘The Gift of Fear’ is very good about this type of thing.
Ola636 · 19/04/2022 01:30

Ask another man in the group to have a word with him. My experience with weird guys is that they only listen to other guys.

MyCatIsAJerk · 19/04/2022 01:36

Call him out on it every time.

Excuse me???
I’m sorry???
Well, excuuuse me!!

You get the picture. Put the spotlight on him & let him explain his actions in front of the crowd.
Be brave.

Tilltheend99 · 19/04/2022 02:07

Get a friend to join a run but neither of you mention you know each other and they can observe his behaviour and act as a witness

Italiangreyhound · 19/04/2022 02:09

You've had some good adivce. I hope things work out Ok.

in answer to your question, is he dangerous. i don't know but he could be. So I would not be playing any games, tripping him up or doing anything that could work out badly for you. Stay away from him, warn those you know, tell your partner, call 101 for advice and I think that joining an organised running group and not telling him or anyone in the whats app group is a good idea. If you do tell friends from the run what you are doing make sure they know this guy has acted super creepily - not just A Bit Strangely - and not to tell him what you are up to - some things are private and others should respect that.

I am sorry you had this experience. Some people act like shit. Thanks

lottiegarbanzo · 19/04/2022 02:19

Find other places to run and (quietly but factually) tell the PR organisers.

Don't let him play the victim (he'll try, if he knows you've drawn others' attention to him).

Don't let the organisers' response to the woman after the woman after the woman after you this happens to, telling them about him, be 'Oh, we had no idea. Bob's been coming for years and we've never heard of any problems at all!'

Momijin · 19/04/2022 02:33

He sounds unhinged and I would be scared. Good that you're changing where you run but make sure to tell people why so they can keep an eye out.

Soresoresore · 19/04/2022 03:00

Loudly:
‘Stop shoving me will you’
‘Don’t shove me’
‘What are you doing’
‘You keep doing this, will you stop it’

Every time it happens.

ZerotwoZero · 19/04/2022 03:55

If it was me, I would personally just explain exactly what has and is occurring just as you have here into the what's app group to everyone and just tell them you no longer feel safe or welcome and there for are leaving the group/run. I they give two shots they will try to make you stay and it will be in the open and he will have no where to hide or deny it but it will put him on the back door from now on.

It make you feel awkward, but your are not in a good place now anyway and this could escilate or they will just ignore you of wish you well and say bye. If that's the case there a piece of shit and your better off out of it.

oakleaffy · 19/04/2022 05:02

@SucculentChalice
What a creepy and aggressive nasty little man.
I’d have said “
Oi! Clumsy oaf! Watch where you are going!”

This creep is bullying you.
Don’t let him get away with it.
Jostling you?
Wretched creep.

oakleaffy · 19/04/2022 05:16

@SucculentChalice

Its actually 4 times he has made physical contact Echt with another 4 near misses because I've moved out of the way.

To an earlier poster, he is in his early to mid thirties.

I don't know Susan that well, she's married and I don't think at risk from him but I will mention to her next time I see him that I don't think its a good idea to give him a lift or be alone with him again.

I'm changing my running routes to running at lunchtimes from work and not locally. I'm going to join a proper running club so as to have a more organised set up behind me (he isn't in one, he's not all that serious a runner).

I'm a bit Biscuit that no-one else at all has noticed what is going on, or if they have, have'nt reached out to me.

That sounds a much better idea. This creep probably has “ Previous “ for this type of aggressive behaviour .

He’d never DARE jostle a man.

I once had a strange man shoulder barge me , the look on his face was horrible.

These are probably men who are incels.

returntoUK · 19/04/2022 05:21

I would confront him at the next run. Go up to him confidently and tell you will call the police if he assaults you again. Tell him not to approach you ever again.

Joystir59 · 19/04/2022 05:50

Tell him to fuck off and leave you alone next time he does anything. Do it in front of everyone. Get angry and stand up to him. He isn't expecting you to stand up to him.

PinkSyCo · 19/04/2022 05:56

Crazy advice to ignore this man who is basically assaulting you. Ask him loudly what the fuck he is playing out each and every time he barges into you. You standing up for yourself, while also drawing other people’s attention to what he’s doing is more likely to stop his bullying behaviour than you being passive about it.

Joystir59 · 19/04/2022 05:59

@SucculentChalice

Its actually 4 times he has made physical contact Echt with another 4 near misses because I've moved out of the way.

To an earlier poster, he is in his early to mid thirties.

I don't know Susan that well, she's married and I don't think at risk from him but I will mention to her next time I see him that I don't think its a good idea to give him a lift or be alone with him again.

I'm changing my running routes to running at lunchtimes from work and not locally. I'm going to join a proper running club so as to have a more organised set up behind me (he isn't in one, he's not all that serious a runner).

I'm a bit Biscuit that no-one else at all has noticed what is going on, or if they have, have'nt reached out to me.

You need to do whatever it takes to make you safe. This all started by offering a lift to strangers from a mixed sex group- something no woman should do. You say he isn't a serious runner so perhaps he's taken up running to gain access to women? I echo all others who have advised you to log his behaviour with the police. He has physically assaulted you a number of times and is menacing you. You are now being forced to completely change your behaviour in order to avoid contact with him.
Joystir59 · 19/04/2022 06:02

@SucculentChalice

Its actually 4 times he has made physical contact Echt with another 4 near misses because I've moved out of the way.

To an earlier poster, he is in his early to mid thirties.

I don't know Susan that well, she's married and I don't think at risk from him but I will mention to her next time I see him that I don't think its a good idea to give him a lift or be alone with him again.

I'm changing my running routes to running at lunchtimes from work and not locally. I'm going to join a proper running club so as to have a more organised set up behind me (he isn't in one, he's not all that serious a runner).

I'm a bit Biscuit that no-one else at all has noticed what is going on, or if they have, have'nt reached out to me.

You need to do whatever it takes to make you safe. This all started by offering a lift to strangers from a mixed sex group- something no woman should do. You say he isn't a serious runner so perhaps he's taken up running to gain access to women? I echo all others who have advised you to log his behaviour with the police. He has physically assaulted you a number of times and is menacing you. You are now being forced to completely change your behaviour in order to avoid contact with him. All because you offered a lift to unknown people..a warning to all women. You wouldn't pull up at the curb and ask a random man to hop in your car would you? Yet this was no different in essence.
ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 19/04/2022 06:26

Bit victim blaming there @Joystir59 - she tried to do a kind thing and I would've done exactly the same. Its not at all the same as pulling up to the curb to offer a random a lift, if she had given him a lift to the party it would've been known about on the WhatsApp group had anything happened.
I agree with pp - channel your inner premiership footballer but vocally, don't throw yourself into the ground and writhe around, do shout 'OW' loudly!

Joystir59 · 19/04/2022 06:33

@ZigZagIntoTheBlue

Bit victim blaming there *@Joystir59* - she tried to do a kind thing and I would've done exactly the same. Its not at all the same as pulling up to the curb to offer a random a lift, if she had given him a lift to the party it would've been known about on the WhatsApp group had anything happened. I agree with pp - channel your inner premiership footballer but vocally, don't throw yourself into the ground and writhe around, do shout 'OW' loudly!
I'm not victim blaming, I'm saying women put themselves at risk by offering lifts to men they don't know. That was the case in this situation.
GnomeDePlume · 19/04/2022 06:47

If you go down the route of calling it out when he next tries to barge you make sure you name him:

Watch where you are going, Charles
Ouch, Charles
Run round me, not through me, Charles

By using his name you will be drawing people's attention to him being the perpetrator. They will become more aware of his behaviour. You may find that he has done this to other people who haven't called him out by name.

Herecomesthesun2022 · 19/04/2022 07:00

I’ve read all your posts OP, and the first page of the thread but not the other 3 pages of replies. I don’t understand the people saying to ignore. He’s done it 8 times. I would be reporting it, then confronting him when you have your partner there with you. Just say you’ve noticed he keeps barging into you, you have no idea what his problem is but it needs to stop. I bet he denies it but stops. Bullies are cowards who don’t like being confronted

Sarkymarky · 19/04/2022 07:06

Ok this is a police matter he is physically assaulting you. He is potentially a real danger to you

Ddot · 19/04/2022 07:07

Could you go up to him and ask if their is a problem. Say I've noticed you seem to have a problem with me have I offended you. If he ignores you, say well if you dont have an issue with me kindly stop barging me at every opportunity. Say it just loud enough to be uncomfortable for him