Man I Barely Know Behaving A Bit Strangely

[SucculentChalice]

Thoughts on this situation please? I do a hobby and a mutual friend decided to have a party and invite some of us who do the hobby to it. She set up a WhatsApp group for all who were coming so we could arrange lift shares etc as she lives about 8 miles south of the city. I live south of the city but closer to town, so I messaged on the group that I could give a lift to anyone who lived on that side of town to hers for the party, since I don't usually drink.

A man, lets call him Charles, messaged me privately to say could he please have a lift. I asked him where he lived and it was in the north of the city, which is a 35- 40 minute drive in the wrong direction for me. So an extra hour and 20 minutes in total there and back, right through the city itself.

I messaged him back to say that I was only able to give people lifts who lift on the same side as me, but I would ask another friend, lets call her Susan, who lived near him to give him a lift instead. No reply. In the meantime I had messaged Susan.

So at the party both were there and Susan told me she had indeed given him a lift. Charles spent much of the party going out of his way to glare at me sullenly, without speaking, and brushed past me a couple of times, nearly knocking a drink out of my hand and physically knocking into me the next time, so much so that someone I was talking to commented on it. It was very creepy, but I decided not to pay too much attention as I was having a good night.

The next time I did a competition with the hobby, he was there and he did the same thing, staring at me, almost menacingly, and deliberately walking past me a couple of times and bumping into me. At a further event last weekend, he did the same thing, but the bumping into me seemed even rougher and I shouted at him "what on earth do you think you are doing?" but he ignored me. Completely blanked me. No response. Didn't even look at me (which tbh made a change from the previous glaring).

What on earth is he up to? I barely know this man. I've seen him around at events but have never actually spoken to him. Is he dangerous? How do I stop him behaving like this? There is no sensible, central figure that I could speak to really to have a word with him and I have the feeling that people might think I'm making it up.

FWIW I have a partner who is currently working away, and I think Charles must know this, as he will have seen me with him previously.

As for the advice to call 111 - what would you tell them? A man is glaring at you and has bumped into you a few times? Do you actually think police keep a record of these reports so that they join up the dots if/when he offends for real? I don't think it works like that...

It's not really harrassment as he isn't contacting you, he's just staring at you. He can't bother you if you ignore him and stay out of his way. Don't let him get near enough to you to bump into you - if you see him near you, walk away.

A BIT strangely? Really?

I agree with pps. Report him to the police if he is like this again.

He's a resentful prick who is punishing you for not driving across town to give him a lift. In his mind, you deserve this.

I would quietly mention this series of events, beginning with the request for a lift to that party, the glares, the deliberate bumping and barging into you to the women you trust/anyone in the group who has already noticed, and gather some support.

Pricks like this don't tend to back down, or get over whatever slight they have boiled up in their head against you.

Tell your friend and organisers. We had to get rid of a guy at work who kept ‘accidentally’ bumping into women. He’d had trouble with complaints in other workplaces, turns out.

It hurts, too.

I'd talk to the police. You never know but he might already be known to them. And it never hurts to have a record somewhere. I'd also talk to the other people at your hobby. They will be more inclined to notice things once you mention it - they'll be looking. And yy to challenging him on it every time he does it.

Some pervs and pests deliberately ride tubes, trains and buses in rush hour to use this ‘accidental hard contact’ harassment technique. Transport Police know it well.

I’d speak to your friend that had the party too. Tell them what’s been going on. Ask whether he’s any history of being weird around people, ask how they know him

Do you have a friend who can go with you? What about your friend who had the party? I understand why you don’t want to say anything, given the lack of support that was offered to the previous person who raised an issue.
With events like park run, people just want to turn up and run and then go home. They do t want to get into any kind of ‘drama’, and it’s not like local run groups where friendships are formed.
I would be inclined to be very loud and shout out to him ‘why are you staring at me? Yes you, hello!!! Can you stop staring at me, it’s making me very uncomfortable!’
Or if he walks/pushes past, shout ‘can you stop touching me, yes you, stop touching me’
Or something like this. I know it’s easy for me to say, I am bold and brash and believe that creeps like this hate to be called out on their behaviour. People are also more likely to believe you and support you in the moment if you are confident enough to call out the behaviour, ime. I have had to use this tactic twice on the london tube and both times the creep looked very embarrassed and got off at the next stop and I got support from fellow passengers

@gannett

Oh, sorry, crossposted with your update about the party witness. I do think it might be worth talking to his wife but you know them better than me.

I was going to say the same @gannett - might it be worth speaking to the witness' wife (or both of them together)? I was intimidated and bullied by a man at work, and although DP and male friends and family tried to be understanding and supportive, they just didn't understand in the same way that other women did. The men's reaction was "yes he's a dick but don't let it get to you" whereas the women actually grasped the gravity of the situation, even the ones who were strangers at the time. It's not necessarily always about how well you know each other. Of course it sounds like you have your reasons not to speak to them, just a suggestion. How awful for you... take care...

@Aquamarine1029

I wouldn't ignore. He's a bully and I would confront him very publicly, right to his face. I would also report him to the group organizer.

I'd be inclined to do the same. I'd make sure I was flanked by a couple of friends hovering in the background, then at the next meeting say, 'You have been glaring at me and bumping into me since I explained I was not prepared to drive an hour out of my way to give you a lift. Your behaviour has been noticed by other people. It's creepy and childish. Stop it now. I didn't owe you a lift and your aggressive behaviour is irrational.'

I agree with pp. this isnt strange. It is aggressive behaviour. Down to entitlement. How dare you say no.

He deliberately contacted you and asked you for a lift, despite already knowing that you had offered lifts only to people living in another area of the city, and not the district where he lived. He was testing the waters, thinking that his luck might be in, what with your partner being away (and of course any woman not currently getting any must be desperate for it), and you turned him down. You have affronted his male pride, and now he's going to punish you for it. Nasty.

You really need to talk to the organisers, and anyone else you know, so they can watch your back. He needs to be caught in the act red-handed by someone else.

I do parkrun and I absolutely would stand with a woman who expressed concern about a man there. Op, just say to the women around you, I am sure you will get good support. He will skulk off if he thinks people are on to him. Good luck

Next time he’s heading your way to ‘accidentally’ bump into you, stick your leg out to trip him up, or stamp on his foot as hard as you can. I’d be tempted to play him at his own game and ‘accidentally’ knee him in the bollocks, as you pass by.

I can't believe he's had a lift with that of the woman without mentioning you. I would give her a call and speak to her about it.

What a creep!

OP. Speak to Race Director. Make sure you are with other people before and after Parkrun. Does he give you any hassle during the race. If so, make sure you run with other people and think about in Investing in a GoPro. Don't tell him he is making you uncomfortable as a PP suggested, as to scare you is what he wants to do.

@HappyAsLarry2022

Do you have a friend who can go with you? What about your friend who had the party? I understand why you don’t want to say anything, given the lack of support that was offered to the previous person who raised an issue. With events like park run, people just want to turn up and run and then go home. They do t want to get into any kind of ‘drama’, and it’s not like local run groups where friendships are formed. I would be inclined to be very loud and shout out to him ‘why are you staring at me? Yes you, hello!!! Can you stop staring at me, it’s making me very uncomfortable!’ Or if he walks/pushes past, shout ‘can you stop touching me, yes you, stop touching me’ Or something like this. I know it’s easy for me to say, I am bold and brash and believe that creeps like this hate to be called out on their behaviour. People are also more likely to believe you and support you in the moment if you are confident enough to call out the behaviour, ime. I have had to use this tactic twice on the london tube and both times the creep looked very embarrassed and got off at the next stop and I got support from fellow passengers

Thats exactly what its like. People doing park run generally have families to go home to or stuff to do, they don't want to be bothered by this kind of thing. Its a loose friendship group, not a formal running club/group, and I don't want to get a reputation for being an attention seeker. You know that people can tend to blame women in these situations when they're not too "switched on", maybe not as aware of men like these as the typical mumsnetter.

I will mention it to the race director though. I'm sure they are trained for that sort of thing and will be helpful.

I can't believe I organised the guy a lift and everything - couldn't believe it when he didn't thank me. I tend to assume people will be polite. What an idiot - as if anyone's really going to drive across town and back just for the pleasure of ferrying him around. He's obviously very deluded.

I quite like the idea of the full on football drama fall if he bumps into me again!

His behaviour actually sounds very scary, especially as he seems to be ramping it up rather than getting bored and moving on to be unpleasant to someone else.

I would seriously consider reporting his behaviour to the police. It is harassment and potentially assault too if he is bumping into you and making you feel that he might hurt you. Chances are he has done this - and worse - to other women in the past, too.

@Honeyroar

I’d speak to your friend that had the party too. Tell them what’s been going on. Ask whether he’s any history of being weird around people, ask how they know him

Already done that without the detail, I just mentioned the rudeness over the lift part and asked if she thought he was a bit off. Apparently she's noticed nothing and thinks he's "really nice" although "a bit quiet".

Not really sure about her judgment there. I've not really noticed him particularly before, but there is definitely a weirdness about him.

Tell others, and tackle him next time.The histrionic OWWW, as recommended up thread, should he make contact, will make heads turn. Deal with present behaviour, not a run-through of the background; that's for later.

As others have said, don't tell him he's unsettling you, he'd love that.
And don't hit him, etc. as suggested; that is assault.

Your update repeats the not wanting to be seen as an "attention seeker", this is how men like him get away with it. He's assaulted you twice.
I see when you fronted him he blanked you; with any luck he might not try next time.

You need to very loudly confront him in public when he does it at the next gathering and tell him if he assaults you again you will be calling the police.

Its actually 4 times he has made physical contact Echt with another 4 near misses because I've moved out of the way.

To an earlier poster, he is in his early to mid thirties.

I don't know Susan that well, she's married and I don't think at risk from him but I will mention to her next time I see him that I don't think its a good idea to give him a lift or be alone with him again.

I'm changing my running routes to running at lunchtimes from work and not locally. I'm going to join a proper running club so as to have a more organised set up behind me (he isn't in one, he's not all that serious a runner).

I'm a bit that no-one else at all has noticed what is going on, or if they have, have'nt reached out to me.

It's a power move. He's trying to intimidate you and pay you back. You've bruised his weird, massive ego by not giving him a lift. It doesn't even have to be directly sexual, that he was interested in you, etc.

Wow. That makes it far worse, he's very determined. Your change of running routes and times is a good idea.

Sorry that no-one's noticed this, but it's sad fact that you can't underestimate people's capacity to keep on moving, nothing to see here.