Man I Barely Know Behaving A Bit Strangely

[SucculentChalice]

Thoughts on this situation please? I do a hobby and a mutual friend decided to have a party and invite some of us who do the hobby to it. She set up a WhatsApp group for all who were coming so we could arrange lift shares etc as she lives about 8 miles south of the city. I live south of the city but closer to town, so I messaged on the group that I could give a lift to anyone who lived on that side of town to hers for the party, since I don't usually drink.

A man, lets call him Charles, messaged me privately to say could he please have a lift. I asked him where he lived and it was in the north of the city, which is a 35- 40 minute drive in the wrong direction for me. So an extra hour and 20 minutes in total there and back, right through the city itself.

I messaged him back to say that I was only able to give people lifts who lift on the same side as me, but I would ask another friend, lets call her Susan, who lived near him to give him a lift instead. No reply. In the meantime I had messaged Susan.

So at the party both were there and Susan told me she had indeed given him a lift. Charles spent much of the party going out of his way to glare at me sullenly, without speaking, and brushed past me a couple of times, nearly knocking a drink out of my hand and physically knocking into me the next time, so much so that someone I was talking to commented on it. It was very creepy, but I decided not to pay too much attention as I was having a good night.

The next time I did a competition with the hobby, he was there and he did the same thing, staring at me, almost menacingly, and deliberately walking past me a couple of times and bumping into me. At a further event last weekend, he did the same thing, but the bumping into me seemed even rougher and I shouted at him "what on earth do you think you are doing?" but he ignored me. Completely blanked me. No response. Didn't even look at me (which tbh made a change from the previous glaring).

What on earth is he up to? I barely know this man. I've seen him around at events but have never actually spoken to him. Is he dangerous? How do I stop him behaving like this? There is no sensible, central figure that I could speak to really to have a word with him and I have the feeling that people might think I'm making it up.

FWIW I have a partner who is currently working away, and I think Charles must know this, as he will have seen me with him previously.

I wouldn't advocate the childish responses like looking and laughing at him in case he turns out to be a nutjob. Be careful.

I would definitely ask someone else to observe how he is towards you.

Everytime he bumps into you, call him out on it, there is nothing you can do about the glaring or the walking past you.

Have some stock phrases, like did you mean to do that, a child would know to apologise.

I also agree with making sure people are aware that he is doing it

Is your hobby group organised or managed by someone who takes a leader role/ If so I would tell them what's going on . Or, tell others in the group you've had a problem from Charles. You may find you're not the first person he's pestered.

Wait until your husband returns, so you know you'll be secure at home. Then next time Charles barges you, just give him a clear icy message: loud enough for other people to hear

     "Charles,   STOP  doing that.   If you touch me again, I will make a formal complaint of sexual  harassment to the police. "  Then   turn, walk away and  join  some other  person.

Personally I would message in the group WhatsApp! ‘ Charles, I’m not sure why you were so offended I wouldn’t add a long onto my journey to collect you, but if you continue to glare at me, push past me ( to the extent others have noticed’ then you will fucking know about it! THANKS’

Cheeky prick!

His behaviour is completely against the ethos of parkrun. Can you borrow a go pro (as pp suggested) and if he does this again report him to the RD and escalate it that way? I'd also be calling 111 for advice.

What a fucking weirdo. I would also very loudly and embarrassingly shout ERRRR CHARLES, YOU BUMPED INTO ME, AGAIN, WHY? THAT HURT. Every single time.

Dont ignore him. He deserves to be shown up for being a tosser.

Twat, report him, tell everyone!!!

Are you in the event organising team, or just parkrun regulars?
If you're part of the team, I'd consider mentioning it to the ED. As you have a concern about the behaviour of someone at your local event.
If you're not on the event team, I'd feel you have to face up to it, if he barges you again then try a firm "Charles do not barge into me again please it is aggravating and painful" - ideally with a friend close by who will witness it.
Courage OP. I hate dickheads. He has no right to disrupt your enjoyment of parkrun & everything that goes with it.

I often ask myself:

Q: What would a man do in this scenario?

A: Punch his bloody lights out by now probably!

If you were also a man OP he wouldn't be doing this to you in the first place because of it and it's so annoying that being a woman makes some men feel they can physically intimidate you.

So my advice is not to try and beat him up obs. :) But be angry. There must be a couple of people in the group who you can call on for a bit of back up here. Tell them what's going on and ask them to stay close and wait for him to do it again and then all of you bloody call him out on it together. Loudly! Shame the bastard.

Please don't do this. You asked he if was dangerous.. I would say potentially. I could almost bet he is abusive and therefore does not like women who say no to him and therefore because you 'dared' to say no to his request for a lift he is now attempting to intimidate you with the intention of scaring you. The fact that you stated you could give anyone a lift from the North of the city and he completely ignored that and expected you to go in the opposite direction says to me that he does not care about boundaries - He picked his target and you didn't adhere to his expectations which were for you go against what you had already said and go out your way for him - that was a test - you failed that test (thankfully).. therefore he wants to punish you starting with intimidation. If you had of passed his test you would of found yourself with a person who would of continued to push boundaries with you. The best thing you can do is to let as many people as possible aware of what he is doing so that way if it escalates then others are already aware. I would also ignore and avoid. Block him on your phone and that way he won't see any messages you post in the group chat and vice versa.

@Fuuuuuckit

His behaviour is completely against the ethos of parkrun. Can you borrow a go pro (as pp suggested) and if he does this again report him to the RD and escalate it that way? I'd also be calling 111 for advice.

Yes, I think that might be the way to go.

The thing is, when he does it, no-one ever seems to be see it. They're all so busy warming up, chatting, etc that no-one seems to notice a random man barging quickly past someone else. I think he knows this, thats why he's doing it.

The guy that noticed it at the party was with his wife, and I'm certain wouldn't want to get involved.

I don't have a Go Pro, I don't really want to have to buy one because of Charles.

I bet he's done stuff like this before and thats why he's moved onto park run, because it gives him bloody public access to a whole social scene of loads of fit women.

When I wrote please don't do this that was in response to the person who suggested you play him at his own game.

Charles is a pathetic little bully who is doing this because he's getting away with it. Tell all of your friends in the group about what's going on, and confront this fucking prink, loudly, in front of everyone. Be brave and do not let him get away with this shit.

If it's Parkrun then there most certainly is an organiser. Contact the organiser.

For starters you should talk to 1) the witness at the party who saw him barge you, and 2) Susan, the woman who gave him the lift.

You can approach the party witness privately and say, remember that guy who was weirdly aggressive at the party - well, he's escalated a bit and I'm worried. I'm not sure whether the party witness is also part of the parkrun crew but they presumably know the party host, who is a central enough figure in parkrun to be throwing a party for a group of you. The witness can back you up if you then talk to the host about Charles's behaviour.

You should talk to Susan to see whether he's done anything weird around her as well - and to let her know what he's done to you and that she should be on her guard around him. Maybe he's been normal around her but personally I've always appreciated it when other women have had quiet words with me about men who have never behaved badly around me.

Oh, sorry, crossposted with your update about the party witness. I do think it might be worth talking to his wife but you know them better than me.

Stay away from him as much as you can. He sounds crazy. Yes and warn Susan and tell anyone who sees him bump in to you.

I would definitely phone the non emergency line to ask for advice, after all it IS assault when it’s done deliberately (although obviously he’ll claim it was accidental). At the very least it will be recorded. If he was so easily offended by your rejection and so quick to anger he may well have form for this and the police may have previous complaints. This absolutely should not be brushed under the carpet.

This sounds pretty scary. You shouldn’t have to buy equipment for monitor him. But your safety is paramount. In the first instance, I would talk to the police then talk to the woman, who witnessed the episode in the first instance. And to Susan. She needs to know not to be alone with him again.

Sounds like he's an immature spoilt brat who has devided to intimidate you. It looks like harassment and got witnesses so yeah you need to log it dates abd times etc in case you need to inform the police but I think you have handled it brilliantly so far, so hopefully he has got the message that he must stop.

You say a couple of times things like this:

I have the feeling that people might think I'm making it up.

Why? Why second guess how other people will react? If it's because the group tend to minimise or justify bad behaviour then ditch them. Honestly it is not worth it hanging out with people who put their own social comfort levels above a woman's safety.

He sounds like an absolute creep and potentially dangerous. And it should be possible to point out factual instances of him physically intimidating you.

3 choices to my mind: ignore and avoid completely (which will be hard by the sounds of things); clearly describe EVERY TIME he bumps in to you. No need to do it aggressively or loudly. The aim is for him and others to see you will not let it go unnoticed; or leave the group.

Honestly don’t protect him by keeping quiet. Make a fuss. Tell some trusted people - look I’m really scared will you please support me. Tell a leader. Ask some friends, preferably men to stand by you and next time he does it confront him.

We are conditioned to cover up for men. It’s so awful. I hate it!

Like a PP said, a man would’ve said “what’s your problem”. When it’s safe to do so, we need to be more like men.

You said no to a man and he s angry . If he is about sixty and has initials AS block him and warn other women in the group.
Feel free to pm me

Play him at his own nasty game. Make sure your friends in the hobby group know about him, infer a lot but say nothing slanderous. Do childish things like looking at him, then nodding knowingly to your friend and laughing. He'll hate it.

This is appalling advice - please don't do this. It is childish, and will likely provoke him even more.

You really should just completely ignore him, warn Susan, and tell anyone else you trust about what has happened. Then stay out of his way.

Does he know where you live?

I had something similar years ago at mixed hockey, and I went for premier league fall over reactions, yelping , rolling, etc. got lots of attention and the guy didn’t like it as the other men reacted to him hurting me. Soon stopped