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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have felt irritated by my friend’s children today?

319 replies

Chickalick · 18/04/2022 18:41

Not sure if I’m being unreasonable or not to be be honest.

DH and I (who for context don’t have children) went for lunch today with friends of ours and their two DC. Youngest is 5, eldest is 11.

I just didn’t enjoy it and have come home feeling really frazzled due to their DC’s behaviour. I should probably preface it by saying they weren’t being horrendous but neither of them would stay seated for more than 5 mins at a time, constantly bouncing around on their seats, up and down around the table. Youngest kept ear piercingly shrieking every 5 mins and then giggling as they thought it was hilarious, it was like nails on a chalkboard. Eldest kept shouting when they talked (they have a tendency to do this in general) and it was deafening. Youngest kept stabbing their fork repeatedly into the table and eldest started chucking their chips at the youngest which then encouraged youngest to do the same.

I just felt like it was chaos and could feel the diners next to us getting annoyed. It was the noise, just constant really LOUD shouting instead of talking from the eldest or shrieking and silly wailing noises from the youngest. Youngest constantly wanting to get up and run round the restaurant. Us adults could barely hear each other and I just wanted to eat and get out of there ASAP.

To add, parents did tell them to stop each time they shrieked, started chucking food etc but they would stop for about 30 seconds then start again and I think they got fed up of telling them in the end so just kinda gave up. They whipped out an iPad in the end and gave it to them but then they put some game on with the volume on loud and both started shrieking and baying each other when the other was beating them etc.

We’ve just got home and I said to DH that I just didn’t enjoy the meal and won’t be in a hurry to do it with them again. I said it’s like they were feral and had never been taught to sit at the table and eat. He thinks I’m being unreasonable and said that’s just eating out with children, they’re noisy and hyper and there’s not much you can do.

Is he right?

OP posts:
Lifeisbeautiful01 · 18/04/2022 19:31

My kids are not perfect but I remember being very irritated by the behaviour of friend’s kids when we were out. IMO you need to teach your children how to behave; they may be louder than adults but throwing food and yelling is not ok.

Hertsgirl10 · 18/04/2022 19:31

5 and 11 year olds know much better than this.

Next time if you have to go out then plan to go to a place where the kids can go off and play or just tell them their kids are too much and meet up when they’re at school.

Oatsandstuff · 18/04/2022 19:31

Out of lunch on a bank holiday Monday
Presumably very close
I’m guessing when you say “our” friends you well and truly mean “DH’s”

itsgettingweird · 18/04/2022 19:31

If mine behaved like that he'd be straight out the dirt for a walk around the car park- then back to try again.

No way would intolerable that or expect other diners too.

And before anyone shouts SN. My ds has SN. But I've never felt his right to be out and about trumps others rights and we've found things to do if needed.

ComDummings · 18/04/2022 19:32

I need to add I posted I find kids annoying when going for a meal too but I don’t think this behaviour is normal in itself. Being loud and fidgety yes, which is what I find annoying in my own children sometimes Grin throwing food absolutely not though, especially at age 11. But then kids can be hyper sometimes.

LunchBoxPolice · 18/04/2022 19:32

My child who has SEN behaves like that sometimes (which is why we avoid those situations for now). I wouldn’t expect that sort of behaviour from NT children of that age.

dubyalass · 18/04/2022 19:33

I ate out with a friend and her kids a couple of times when we holidayed together. I don't have kids. I found it a pretty unbearable experience even though we were in casual places. I don't think there was food throwing, but there was running around near other diners, and lots of loud whining that they were bored. It didn't seem to occur to my friend to bring things for them to do, but yes, perhaps our mistake was to attempt to have an adult conversation while eating. They are otherwise great kids, but I didn't enjoy it and I wouldn't do it again!

alphasox · 18/04/2022 19:33

I wouldn’t allow my children to behave like that in public, especially the 11 yr old who definitely knows better unless there’s SEND? However I have been out with a friend who allowed their children to carry out similar behaviour and I was so embarrassed- never ate out with her/them again.

TheSnowyOwl · 18/04/2022 19:34

I’m not really sure what the 11 year old’s excuse is but I can well imagine a five year old fuelled on Easter sugar and bank holiday late nights being extra hard work when out for a meal.

Iamnotamermaid · 18/04/2022 19:35

I would have lasted for about 2 minutes of that...and would have been asking, not so subtly, if they are always like this.

Happyhappyday · 18/04/2022 19:35

Disagree, I have a 3yo and she sits at the table every night for about 45 mins. She has a tendency to dominate the conversation but does actually have a conversation. Shrieking would’ve had her taken out of the restaurant immediately. I also would bring crayons etc to color and occupy but would expect the older to be able to sit at a meal.

Original poster
Chickalick · 18/04/2022 19:37

Hmmm, mixed responses then.

It’s hard because they’re nice kids but I think the last time we out to eat with them all was pre-pandemic and it was much the same but I expected it more as their youngest was only 3 and eldest 9 or whatever.

Usually we meet up round each other’s houses and they’re noisy and disruptive at the table then too but it doesn’t bother me as much as today. Probably because they’re not irritating the general public as well as me!

Today we went for a long beach walk first, we were out for a good couple of hours, our dog was knackered and just slept under the table and I was thinking, can these 2 not do the same Grin

No, honestly, their parenting isn’t particularly effective. I love our friends don’t get me wrong, but they’re the ‘anything for a quiet life’ type and seem to want to be best friends with their children rather than parents. I’ve noticed it in other ways. In fact, I’d say the children are quite well behaved in spite of their parenting, rather than because, which I know sounds awful but they’re very spoilt in general and there is often little discipline Blush

I guess I was shocked because these are both school age children. Like a PP said, toddlers I can understand but once they get to 5, surely sitting and talking to adults at a meal for an hour isn’t beyond the realms of possibility? I find it depressing that so many people seem to think it is. But I don’t have children so accept I’m probably living in an idealistic dream world.

Also, no SEN, both children NT.

OP posts:
Jumpking · 18/04/2022 19:37

When my children were younger, I used to choose to never go out with some other parents and their children, as the parents hadn't parented them well enough to show age appropriate respect in different places. It was embarrassing.

Apparently my kids were "angels". No they weren't, they were trained to behave correctly in public.

BertieBotts · 18/04/2022 19:38

They've been in covid land for 2 years, so they are probably much less practiced at eating out than children normally would be and may have got into bad habits?

Wnkingawalrus · 18/04/2022 19:39

YANBU. Eating out with children doesn’t have to be like that and isn’t like that for many people.

Yesterday we had lunch out with friends at a nice pub, we both have two children between 2-7. Today we had lunch out just the four of us as a fine dining place. No issues with behaviour at either meal. There was a table of 6 adults next to us yesterday that were louder than we were.

BertieBotts · 18/04/2022 19:39

Ah but if their parents tend to give in or not be very directive in the first place then it's probably more that.

TheSnowyOwl · 18/04/2022 19:39

@BertieBotts

They've been in covid land for 2 years, so they are probably much less practiced at eating out than children normally would be and may have got into bad habits?
This is a good point. Although I still would have expected them to sit for 30-60 mins at school for lunch most days.
RicStar · 18/04/2022 19:39

I am intrigued as to how this meal came about, mine can be lovely perfectly behaved out (we have had compliments!) and or terrible, moany, over tired, fidgety (wouldn't throw food), its very hard to predict. Terrible behaviour results in everyone eating as quickly as possible and consequences straight after. I wouldn't chose to take them out to lunch with child free friends, I would see it as unfair on either party unless it was somewhere with e.g. a play area in a beer garden so they could escape the adults. We would cook at home, takeaway, bbque etc.

Whatsmyname100 · 18/04/2022 19:40

@BertieBotts

They've been in covid land for 2 years, so they are probably much less practiced at eating out than children normally would be and may have got into bad habits?
Thats a poor excuse though. Lots of children have been back into normal life now for a while, so lots of time to learn to behave. They are going to school so they would have to behave there as well. This is just bad parenting and badly behaved children.
PattyMelt · 18/04/2022 19:41

Horrible behaviour at those ages. All mine could sit through meals at that age without the noise and food throwing. No iPads around for the first two either.

UnsuitableHat · 18/04/2022 19:41

Yanbu to feel like that, I’d have felt the same, but I do think restaurants are boring for kids.

godmum56 · 18/04/2022 19:43

@TheSnowyOwl

I’m not really sure what the 11 year old’s excuse is but I can well imagine a five year old fuelled on Easter sugar and bank holiday late nights being extra hard work when out for a meal.
then surely its up to the parent(s) to say that its not a good time to do it?
TooManyPlatesInMotion · 18/04/2022 19:43

My eldest two are 11 and 5, and I have a three year old.

No way would I have tolerated that from the 11 year old. By that age they should know how to behave in a cafe/restaurant. As for the 5 year old.... That is trickier. Do they have any additional needs?

Rosebel · 18/04/2022 19:44

YANBU. I have 3 children and nieces and nephews and they never behaved like that in public
Your friends sound rubbish too. They should have told the kids off properly and certainly not allowed a loud game on the ipad. I'm amazed they weren't asked to leave actually.
No it's not normal. Sure children haven't been out a lot in the last couple of years but that behaviour is just kids being brats. I wouldn't be going out to eat with them again if the kids will be there.
Maybe it's different because I have children or because I'm very close to my friends but I would have told the kids off myself if they were being that bad.

LaBelleSauvage123 · 18/04/2022 19:44

Mine went out to eat with us quite often when they were under 10 and never behaved like that - if they had done I’d have taken them outside, had a firm word, and then taken them home if the behaviour didn’t improve. DS2 has severe developmental delays and the worst he ever did was eat with his fingers. Mind you, he was a lot easier then than he is now!