my friend is very annoying

[lilkiki]

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

You're right, you do sound petty. And arrogant.

I find this thinking odd.
Over anylising a friend saying sorry not been in touch because been busy... My response to that would be doing what/take an interest. Not assume is an excuse and flakyness.

Then to ghost her. Guess what adults do get busy with kids / bills/ home/work and other stuff.

Friendship is quality over quantity.

I just had a friend ghost me, have no idea what I did as for god knows what reason she clearly did not feel comfy enough to talk to me about whatever the issue was. ( no argument my side maybe the fact I work 30 hours a week and am a unpaid carer ontop pissed her off as guess what I am busy). But good luck to her.

Real friends are honest with each other. Can go weeks without seeing each other and don't do childish crap of omg she didn't text me the way I wanted her to.

I just hope to the op that they are 100% OK with ghosting a friend, as the friend is a bad friend and not because they are being petty.

This comes from someone who's best friend died few years back. So make sure you know value of friendship.

Colourfulrainbows I think you have the wrong end of the stick.

We are saying we've wanted more from friendships that mean a lot to us but we are the ones being ghosted.... I'm ghosted for 3 or 4 months a couple of times a year. I contact someone call them / text them and they don't get back to me... for months. Is that really a close friendship? I have started to realise it actually isn't.

Is it ghosted or had the conversation just ended?
Arrange to see each other face to face.

The original post states that the friend texts first saying sorry not been in touch and the friend feels guilty.

The original post says they have ghosted as friend always texting saying been busy. And the op states they have ghosted because they want friend to apologise ( without talking to friend of 15 years?!).

Now if you are the one always making contact and zip nothing back ever then year a last text along lines of, as much as I have enjoyed our friendship over the years clear in different places. I won't contact you again but take care. If you want to get in contact in the future. You know my number.

I have had friendship drift as different stages. My longest friend is nearly 20 years in life. 2 years we did not see each other. Nothing bad just life gets in the way sometimes.

When we met up again, pizza and wine and laughs.

I can text her and she not reply for a week. I don't get offended or think she is blanking me.

Friendship is different as an adult to teenagers.

YANBU I would keep your responses to your friend fairly neutral. Maybe when she mentions being busy and being out of contact say “no worries, life is busy for everyone these days, hope to catch up soon” or something like that

Sorry I shouldn't respond on behalf of the OP!

It's just tough when someone who you think is a really close friend is too busy to stay in regular contact. It's hard to keep your heart open to them when they are too busy to reply. Eventually it gets really draining.

I'm thinking the opposite of the way you are. She is reaching out to you, wishing she had a bit more contact, apologizing for not contacting sooner. It's not like you are contacting her first and she's not answering.

If you enjoy her company, then go ahead and get together. if not, then let her know you are busy as well, and be non-committal to a get together.

I don't think it's anything to be annoyed about.

Cherylstorm 11.

The thing is what is regular contact for you may be too much for another and visa versa.

Me personally do not measure the amount of time I talk see my closest friends. I measure it by how my friendship is.

Like can I be myself with this person. ( yes) Would I open the door to them at 4am (yes).

When we spend time together do we have a nice time ( yes). Have we got each others backs ( yes). Do we annoy each other sometimes ( yes) do I trust them with my son ( yes).

That is friendship for me. Even if we don't text or call for couple of weeks.

I’ve been ghosted by someone that I thought was a friend. She had been told something untrue about me. Never checked with me. I spent so much energy worrying if she was okay and trying to send her support whilst giving her space. She had big, nasty life events happening so I was concerned for her the whole time. So confusing and upsetting.

When I eventually got her to explain that she had effectively ghosted me (little to no responses, no intention of being friends) I can’t tell you how painful it was. I’d spent a year thinking I was her friend but wasn’t. When she realised that I hadn’t done what she thought I had done, she apologised and wanted to be friends again. But there was no way I could come back from that.

Don’t ghost people. Just tell them you’ve moved on.

She hasn’t been in contact for a while. She texts you and apologized for taking so long to get in touch because she’s been busy. I see nothing wrong with this. She is explaining why she hasn’t been in contact sooner.

Colourfulrainbows as I said I find it hard that I've shared so much about my personal life, my marriage, stuff that I have probably only shared wirh one other person and I know she has done the same with me. But there can be huge gaps between meetings and during those gaps I have always reached out and she has always blanked me and come back a further chunk of time later. I know she has a really busy social life and lots of friends so she does have time for a v active social life. I suppose I feel we have seen the friendship in different ways, if that makes sense, I would always be available to her if she reached out, for example, whereas it is.not rhe same for her.

Blinder

Agree. But also of the opinion that if someone ghost me. We are not close friends anyway as clearly they don't feel comfortable enough and trust me enough to communicate there feeling's with me and sort it out.

Or they are passive aggressive, deep down know being illogical ( most of the time it's a pre conceived notion in their head that is the issue read op post all about how friend is haughty even her name annoys them why is she haughty, because not put friend above everything). They then expect a sorry without bothering to communicate, because people read minds.?!! Go figure.

Same as the sulky / stubborn/ silent treatment mold, ghosting is.

End of the day to me I can't be bothered with it. Hate all the above is immature behaviour.

Sorry being ghosted hurt you.

Ghosting should only be used to protect from harm.

At no point have I asked anyone to apologise to me.

Cherylstorm 11

Sounds like she is a social butterfly.

It also sounds like you much prefer one on one friendship. And she gives you that. She just takes longer than you would like for her to get back to you.

Maybe your friendship is deeper than socialising as in going out. And maybe when with others she don't respond not only because it's rude to company present but because you conversation requires more thought and your text require privacy.

Not that she is ignoring you on purpose.

Do you have other close friends as well?

I think on a whole you get what you expect, you seem to expect one upmanship in friendships and this is what you are getting. Perhaps, it is just something to say to be polite and it isn't 'deep'. I have a friend where she reads stuff in to things, makes observations about people that are inaccurate and doesn't like the message of being busy - finds it offensive etc. Even though she has said it to me. Her negativity repels potential friends as she doesn't have time for many women in particular making quick judgments about them so when it comes to her social life it isn't that busy. Mine isn't particularly but more so than hers and my job is more demanding so I am busier than her so I think it can be genuinely ok to describe a busy state of being but perhaps not actually say 'I'm busy'. If she is 'lovely' do you genuinely not want to be her friend?

Lilkiki

You op says you did not speak with your friend as you thought she would apologise.

Is there a typo there? Sorry if miss-read.

@Cherylstorm11

Sorry I shouldn't respond on behalf of the OP!

It's just tough when someone who you think is a really close friend is too busy to stay in regular contact. It's hard to keep your heart open to them when they are too busy to reply. Eventually it gets really draining.

Tbh our situations are similar I just gave up making any effort a while ago so I don’t reach out to be left on read for extended periods of time (tho that was happening for a while) It stopped when I didn’t reply to her messages for days, or when id not really engage in her comments about “catching up” just the odd emoji response or whatever. She was quite a bit more responsive to my one word answers than she was to any of my normal messages. Funny that.

@Colourfulrainbows

Lilkiki

You op says you did not speak with your friend as you thought she would apologise.

Is there a typo there? Sorry if miss-read.

What I meant from that was I would bring up the issue but I suspected she would just apologise for being so busy, rather than attempt to understand her sporadic “my goodness it’s been so long I’ve been so so so busy” texts are a turn off for me

I didn’t expect her to apologise for me disengaging or whatever. That’s not on her.

Colourfulrainbows I think all I expect is a response when I reach out, a quick response would be enough. I do have other friends but this one in particular has been in my inner circle for many years. I know I can't rely on her being around in the sense of being available.

I agree overanalysing these things is silly but I think you need to listen to your intuition and mine.is saying it's not an equal or balanced friendship, it is all at her whim really, which is getting old.

@Blondebakingmumma

She hasn’t been in contact for a while. She texts you and apologized for taking so long to get in touch because she’s been busy. I see nothing wrong with this. She is explaining why she hasn’t been in contact sooner.

I don’t require someone checking in 3 times a year to simply remind me that they are too busy for me

Lilkiki I agree so patronising when they get in touch explaining away their lack of contact. Feels disingenuous.

Honestly a simple “hey what’s been happening” will perfectly suffice
Not “my god!!! It’s been so long! You just popped into my head when I was looking at some biscuits. I’m so sorry I have not spoken to you, you know how busy I am!!!! Let’s meet up soon. Are you around in august????”

Looool

Likiki

But why are they a turn off? End of the day your friend messaged you. Maybe she has been busy.

I re read your op. And to be honest I don't think your annoyance towards your friend is coming from a dislike of your friend.

I may be wrong but reading it, you sounded lonely, like and a little projecting of how you are feeling onto your friend.

You say she is lovely and been close for 15 years. Are you sure you want to give that up as really from what I can see is you needing your friend.

Can't you just tell her how you feel?
That you get busy too. And sometimes feel like it's dropping in rather than a quality chat.

I can see it. Your feeling like she checks in because has too, not wants too. See that in your post.

Again sorry if wrong, the alternative is yabu.

When I was younger (and less mature) I had pretty much the same thought process as you when it came to friendships as in if I don't spend a lot of time being in constant contact then the friendship will die out and they won't want to know me any more but as I got older and started to mature I realised a few things.

1. Quality time is far better than quantity.

2. It's not necessary to have a lot of friends. A few quality ones will always be better than a large group as you can't always give your attention to everyone.

3. Not all friendships are meant to last and that's ok.

4. Don't put expectations on people. No one is obligated to be a part of your life. If someone wants to be in your life they will make the effort to do so but it's also a two way street you too have to make the effort. You get out what you put in.

Looking at some biscuits... lol!!

I get it's been manic... how are you all? We must go out for lunch/ stay in a hotel in cheshire ill organise it leave it to me then I don't hear anything for ages!! A simple cup of coffee somewhere would have done me.