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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend is very annoying

243 replies

lilkiki · 18/04/2022 15:15

hello
so, I’m pretty ghosting a friend; although not 100% ghosting because we have mutuals and I don’t want it to be weird

As background:
For around 15 years we had been relatively close. Truthfully for around the 5 years she’s been a lot more haughty and but I just sort of put it to one side because she is a genuinely lovely person.

however since the lockdowns she has grated on me to the extent that I can’t even bear to hear her name. she sent me texts every few months or so, basically apologising for being soooo busy and not contacting me sooner. She would feel so guilty that she has not contacted me. The convo would die after a bit because obviously she’s way too busy!
It was very condescending. Like we hadn’t spoken purely because she was far too busy to send me a text, not realising that I hadn’t spoken to her either?
I guess I sound petty now, but it just felt like she assumed I sat around waiting for her to remember I was alive.

Anyway I essentially ghosted after one message because it was just so patronising it made my teeth hurt. I was ok with just not speaking to her ever again but didn’t want to tell her because then it because a ‘thing’. However she still pops up, with an “oh my god how are youuuuuu?? You know what I’m like so busy!!!!” Type texts and it’s just annoying the hell out of me.
I honestly think she believe I don’t do anything? She’s busy and I’m just a piece of shit that she needs to pat on the head a few times a year.
I guess I don’t really know what I want from this thread. Maybe understanding, a bollocking or just to vent.

As an aside, tbe only reason I never directly spoke to her about my issue was because I felt that she would apologise. Bit apologise for being “way too busy to talk to me and felt so guilty that she had neglected me” type of apology, rather than appreciate that her arrogance and loftiness was the problem (?)
Maybe I am just passive aggressive and presumptuous I don’t know. But I knew (and still know) that she wouldn’t actually understand where I was coming from

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Schhhteeevie · 19/04/2022 00:28

I think yabu- she might genuinely feel bad about the lack of contact and is worried she’s upset you - you said she’s a “genuinely lovely person” ??

Original poster
lilkiki · 19/04/2022 00:28

You know I’m ok with being told I’m melodramatic or in the wrong etc

But I’m not particularly understanding why it’s automatically assumed that my annoyance at her condescending messages is because I’m somehow lonely, pining for her, begging or have a shit life as some of the responses on this thread have been

I’m allowed to find messages irritating. It annoys me that someone pops up to declare that they have been busy as a convo opener. I’m not sitting around waiting for contact.
I don’t mean to be defensive particularly I brought up the thread because I had a funeral of a close relative this week which coincided with one of her whatsapp specials at it just annoyed me. I’m not crying over it, envious, expecting apologies nor am I comparing my life unfavourably to the busy busy busy busy brigade.

OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 19/04/2022 00:30

@Cherylstorm11

Looking at some biscuits... lol!!

I get it's been manic... how are you all? We must go out for lunch/ stay in a hotel in cheshire ill organise it leave it to me then I don't hear anything for ages!! A simple cup of coffee somewhere would have done me.

I’m around in December for a catch up?
OP posts:
Colourfulrainbows · 19/04/2022 00:32

Cherylstorm 11

I get that. Like I said earlier I have had friendship drift. No issues just drifted. Different stages in life.

Not all friendships are for life. Like any relationship really.

What I don't get is the expectation of texts/ calls etc. Always thought a text was so responder could reply when they decided to.
Calls more urgent.

But hey I am old school and prefer face to face interaction, can not be doing with texting all the time.

Rather speak when we see each other. Same with my partner if we text all time, what we gonna chat about. See them everyday.

But that's just me. Now letters used to love.

Everything is instant nowadays and is sad as it makes people expect straight away.

Only you know the friendship only you make that choice.

Cherylstorm11 · 19/04/2022 00:33

OP I totally get it.

It's the condescending ness of it all, for want of a better word. It's bloody irritating. And almost that expectation you will be so eager to meet them when they finally do get in touch.

Original poster
lilkiki · 19/04/2022 00:35

@Cherylstorm11

OP I totally get it.

It's the condescending ness of it all, for want of a better word. It's bloody irritating. And almost that expectation you will be so eager to meet them when they finally do get in touch.

Yes!! Like I’m supposed to be grateful they’re checking in? Bore off!!!
OP posts:
Cherylstorm11 · 19/04/2022 00:35

Also it's horrible messaging someone you care about or calling someone you care about and hearing nothing back at all for ages. Not a good feeling.

Goldenbear · 19/04/2022 00:36

That's what I mean by you get what you expect, you expect patronising messages from this friend and she delivers. You are reading too much in to a phrase IMO and this doesn't align to perception of a friend you describe as 'lovely why would you ghost a lovely friend?

Original poster
lilkiki · 19/04/2022 00:39

She’s generally “lovely” but not “lovely” to me personally if that makes sense. Before anyone chimes in - I don’t expect “loveliness” anymore, I’m pretty over it. Was just answering the question lol
I’m not trying to say she’s a bad person or that I feel neglected or anything. I just find her haughty.

OP posts:
Colourfulrainbows · 19/04/2022 00:42

Likiki

How many times did you text/ call contact your friend first?

Just wondering

Cherylstorm11 · 19/04/2022 00:43

Lilkiki you sound fun / funny I know you will find some better friends who sui where you are now. X

Puffalicious · 19/04/2022 00:46

What's with all the lols/ hahas/ I know I'm crazy, stuff? This isn't FB!

Original poster
lilkiki · 19/04/2022 00:46

@Colourfulrainbows

Likiki

How many times did you text/ call contact your friend first?

Just wondering

I haven’t contacted her first for a few years, which is why I made this thread It’s just someone texting me unprompted to tell me that they’re busy Like umm ok? How nice for you
OP posts:
Original poster
lilkiki · 19/04/2022 00:49

@Puffalicious

What's with all the lols/ hahas/ I know I'm crazy, stuff? This isn't FB!
I didn’t realise there was a script I needed adhere to
OP posts:
Colourfulrainbows · 19/04/2022 00:55

So basically you just don't want to be her friend anymore

For no other reason that she reaches out to you every so often and it winds you up the way she reaches out to you.

It's not you have tried with her, nope you didn't bother.

I bet she is a really nice person as well.

Oh well. Your no longer friends because you made that choice.

Colourfulrainbows · 19/04/2022 01:16

Likiki
She keeps texting you every so often to catch up as she is confused that you have stopped the friendship without talking to her.

It's a shit move on your part to do that. Look at how men get jumped on for ghosting.

How is what you have done to a friend of 15 years. Of course she is hurt and confused.

And what has she done to you? Nothing.

You find her haughty - your issue explore why that is all of a sudden.

Clearly before you ghosted her you did not get the busy texts every so often. Them texts are because you ended a friendship and she has no bloody idea why.

This is your issue not hers.

You may regret this later in life. Friends sometimes annoy us that's normal.

But you do you. Try having a best friend die then you realise. What I would give for a text from her.

Take care.

NETSRIK · 19/04/2022 06:14

You need to look at the replies you've received carefully. Those who think YABU are obviously people who message like this and those who don't are people who think YANBU.

Maybe people who constantly tell people they are busy need to have a think about how this looks to the other person (as really we are ALL busy, we just make time for important things) and maybe the recipient of the busy text needs to think about how they feel when they receive these texts and if all the messages from this person do is annoy or upset or irritate then maybe it's just simply a case of realising the friendship has come to its end. Friendships fizzle out. No need for drama. Just leave the busy friend to her busy life and move on. You'll both probably be the happier for it.

Minatrina · 19/04/2022 06:26

This strikes me as a very, very odd way to read into a very normal message.

birthdaywanker · 19/04/2022 06:35

@whitewashing

Just text back and say ‘oh! Gosh, I’ve been so busy, I didn’t even notice!’
This is the perfect response
mycatisannoying · 19/04/2022 07:36

I would just reply with 'oh it's totally fine. I'm busy too, so hardly noticed! Hope you're well anyway'.

hettie · 19/04/2022 07:38

I sometimes text people and apologise that I've not contacted them for a while usually saying work has been full on... It's true I have a demanding job and I'm often knackered of an evening/can't think/ comunicate. I need my job and if possible I'd like to maintain friendships.....I certainly don't do it to imply the other person has got nothing going on in their life...
Do you want t be friends, of so maybe reply/initiate? If not then you need to say Surrey not sure this is working for me any more and explain why you find her haghty...

mycatisannoying · 19/04/2022 07:40

And I get it, OP, I do. She obviously sees keeping in touch with you as a box that needs to be ticked, rather than something she particularly wants to do.
After all, it would otherwise go beyond a sporadic text, and lead to coffee or something. But I'm guessing that never happens!
You are not a priority for her, but dropping the odd text makes her feel better. And it's this 'charity case' approach that's making you feel a bit shitty.

mycatisannoying · 19/04/2022 07:41

Not to mention her assumption that you need her!

Original poster
lilkiki · 19/04/2022 08:16

@NETSRIK

You need to look at the replies you've received carefully. Those who think YABU are obviously people who message like this and those who don't are people who think YANBU.

Maybe people who constantly tell people they are busy need to have a think about how this looks to the other person (as really we are ALL busy, we just make time for important things) and maybe the recipient of the busy text needs to think about how they feel when they receive these texts and if all the messages from this person do is annoy or upset or irritate then maybe it's just simply a case of realising the friendship has come to its end. Friendships fizzle out. No need for drama. Just leave the busy friend to her busy life and move on. You'll both probably be the happier for it.

I was thinking about the polar opposite responses Those who kind of get where im coming from and those who think I’m reading too much into the messages

I suppose I accept I have handled it in the wrong way - the slow fade/ghosting type of response. But I don’t think she actually got the hint, mostly because it never dawned her on that I didn’t give a fuck.

I will say tho I still think her messages are patronising and I don’t think I’m wrong in how I’m hearing them; I just have handled it badly.

OP posts:
ChampagneLassie · 19/04/2022 08:24

So just let the frienship slide, Where's the drama? Her message sounds very generic, just don't reply. If she messages a 2nd time reply simmilary, "no worries, I'm super busy too, I'm sure we'll catch up sometime", then if you cross paths through mutual friends it's no big deal

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