To quit my job and become a housewife

[HateMyJob12345]

AIBU to resign from my job and become a housewife? I am miserable at work (have another thread about it) to the point where I’m probably going to resign as it’s making me ill. My husband says I should resign as he’s seeing how miserable I am and says he’s happy to be the breadwinner. We can afford to do this. At the moment we don’t spend all our money and a large chunk goes in savings each month. The thought of being a housewife and having the time to have a clean house, cook decent meals each day and that sort of thing is seeming so appealing. But I’ve always scoffed at women who don’t work, as the feminist in me is saying women should have their own income. And I’m used to having my own money. I have enough savings to keep me going for 12-18 months but then I’d be dependent on my husband. Anyone else done this? It feels lazy as I don’t have kids. Of course I will look for another job but there’s every chance I won’t find one so might end up a housewife.

Being a housewife is an invaluable role and the payoff is the appreciation of your family. The prospect is the love of your children who then care for you in old age and pass on the values to their children. It's social change at grassroots level. It's a wonderful example and a celebration of innate self-worth.

🤣🤣

What a pile of 💩!

“Being a housewife is an invaluable role and the payoff is the appreciation of your family. The prospect is the love of your children who then care for you in old age and pass on the values to their children. It's social change at grassroots level. It's a wonderful example and a celebration of innate self-worth.”

That payoff does not always come to pass, as I’m sure loads of PP will agree. You can do all of that whilst working PT with children.

@WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone

“Being a housewife is an invaluable role and the payoff is the appreciation of your family. The prospect is the love of your children who then care for you in old age and pass on the values to their children. It's social change at grassroots level. It's a wonderful example and a celebration of innate self-worth.”

That payoff does not always come to pass, as I’m sure loads of PP will agree. You can do all of that whilst working PT with children.

Children don't love their mothers if they work?!

Palease

“@MayMorris
as soon as you tidy/clean something it will begin again to get dirtier over time no matter what you do…you can never achieve a point where you can say I have done that, I have created that, I don’t need to do that again- you’re just pushing back on natural decay and chaos all the time, soul destroying and wide up to build up of resentment when you’ve spent all day domesticating and DH either doesn’t notice, doesn’t ask how you got on that day, or walks in and starts to undo all your hard work cos he no longer cares as he doesn’t have to ever clean up his mess.

Thank you for putting into words the current resentment I am struggling with. It’s a shit job and no one cares that you mopped the floor that day or cleaned the bathroom. It’s so boring that I hate hearing the words coming out my mouth when he asks how my days been. “Great, I cleaned the bathroom and hoovered the stairs”. Ugh.”

Exactly! Boring drudgery and feeling unappreciated. Where’s the self worth in that!?

@CloudPop
I think you read my post incorrectly.

The first paragraph in quote marks is what another poster wrote.
The second paragraph is my response. I have 3DC and have worked FT & PT since my teens.

I think the reality is v different from the fantasy esp if all your friends work. I gave up a job as it was making me miserable, i had a few months of doing not much & I was so bored (have kids but one at uni and other 16 at the time). You think you’re going to do x, y & z but it just doesn’t happen cos you don’t have that deadline or real motivation.
Now I work part time- approx 20hours per week and it means I’m earning and also useful to society!!
Working just gives me self-confidence as long as it’s the right role/environment.

I would quit the current job and look for something part time. Sorry if this has been mentioned a hundred times already (not RTFT) but if you're not earning or claiming benefits for a number of years then your state pension will take a huge hit, I don't know how relevant that is to you.

Only you know OP how bad the job is making you feel. But I’d say preserving your mental and physical health moving forward is crucial. I knew 2 people, both NHS who continued working when their mental health was seriously deteriorating and both ended up long term off sick. Both took early retirement , neither have had paid work since.
Obviously that’s a small sample, but sounds like you need a break, before you reach a crisis point, then start looking for activities/ courses/ a job you’d enjoy.

Yes take a break and also look at doing some courses to see what kind of stuff you would enjoy doing? If you can both afford it and you're not enjoying your work then there is no point in continuing. Much better to have a break and find out what you would love to do. I love my work but have sometimes had jobs I didn't enjoy and it is soul destroying

@HateMyJob12345

Thanks for the advice everyone. I do want to work. Just not in a job I hate with awful people! I have decent salary and loads of disposal income but never have the energy or time to enjoy spending it as work is draining the life out of me. It all feels so pointless. I don’t feel I can work out what I want to do whilst still working…I just don’t have the energy. So I think a break might be good, with a view to getting another job in a totally new field. But of course if I don’t get a job I could end up as a housewife…

Looking at this from another angle, you could volunteer with a local or national group or something. Help out at a school with reading? Of course you would need a DBS check for the latter but you will have free time. I work full time and also volunteer, the latter also for company with nice people.

I’d resign and look for another job or retrain. I did this, took two years but being a ‘housewife’ got boring after a while but I enjoyed the ‘break from work’ but it did use a lot of my savings.

[quote WakeMeUpWhenTheyHaveGone]@CloudPop
I think you read my post incorrectly.

The first paragraph in quote marks is what another poster wrote.
The second paragraph is my response. I have 3DC and have worked FT & PT since my teens.[/quote]
Yes apologies, I was responding to what you had quoted rather than your response. I was agreeing with you.

My husband walked out of his civil service job last Thursday. He was working i a particularly toxic ministry with a particularly toxic, bullying minister.
He is an extremely experienced civil servant that has worked across five govt departments, for hundreds of ministers, reaching a high level in the profession. He is an expert in the field in which he was working before he quit with legal qualifications in that area. He went straight into the civil service at 22 for Uni so has 30 years experience. He is well loved, respected and knowledgable.

By the time he quit he was doubting every single decision he had made and every bit of advice he'd given. He didn't know who to trust in his department and found that the minister was actively briefing against him. He was so stressed his entire personality changed - he was snappy, argumentative at home. He couldn't sleep, was drinking too much and staying in London at the weekends instead of coming to us in Cornwall.

He quit after a particularly bad day where he was shouted at during a meeting by the minister, who called him useless and a dinosaur. He walked out of the meeting, cleared his desk and caught the next train home. He emailed his resignation first thing Saturday morning and it was accepted with immediate effect.

So many civil servants are being bullied now, criticised and treated like cheap scapegoats. I don't blame you @HateMyJob12345 for wanting to walk out. If you can afford it, do it. Take time out and decide what your future will look like.

Oh and yes, those two years not working affected my NI payments.

This is what worries me. I have 20 years of pension contributions so will have a decent pension pot even if I never work again but not working will mean no income of my own at all until I reach retirement

You need 35 years of NI contributions to access your full state pension @HateMyJob12345 - 20 years is really nowhere near enough.

That being said, if your DH is happy to support you for a while, there's nothing wrong with staying at home for a while, working on your mental health and looking for a new job. You could always do some volunteer work or training/studying and get yourself a brand new career.

I did similar at 33 and I'm now two years into owning my own business and I absolutely love it - my MH has never been better.

I've always said I would work to stay independent. but I got made redundant after my fourth child. That was five years ago and I have don the odd volunteering and consulting work since. I figure I have put in a massive chunk of my house so I'm secure. I could walk back into a job tomorrow. Wish I had stopped working years ago now. It's notforever and another job will come along once the kids are older.

I was stressed doing everything badly looking back. I'm not the best at home making but I do lots more for the kids now.

If you are a civil servant, you can take a year out on unpaid leave, can't you? and then when you are due to return, you can decide then. You can have a year to yourself to do all kinds of stuff, learn new skills etc.

@HateMyJob12345

I haven't knowingly read your previous thread, but assume it's all pretty awful.

Civil service & pension scheme. In your position I would look for a transfer. There's a lot to be said for the pension & other rewards in the CS.

If you trf & you're still not happy you can rethink... but don't be in a hurry to just resign.

@maddiemookins16mum

Oh and yes, those two years not working affected my NI payments.

Not a good reason. You could have paid class 3 voluntarily to cover the relevant tax years if you didn't have Home Responsibilities Protection.

Can’t you find a job you do like?

It seems utterly bizarre to want to be nothing more than a kept housewife, especially as you don’t have children.

Surely a change of job would be satisfying? But I say that from the standpoint of having zero interest in domestic duties - I’d be so stifled if that was all I had in my life. Also, financial independence is very important. We could easily live well on my husband’s salary, but I feel it’s important we both earn and have stimulation outside of the home.

You need a plan. Its a huge risk to make yourself dependent on another person, even if your finances are fully shared (in equity terms rather than names on accounts).

If you have a sabbatical option to take time to work out your next steps what would stop you working out the next steps? If its unpaid leave, presumably you can quit just as you could whilst in work?

If you plan to take, say, six months off without a plan you risk the time drifting by without making a decision. Maybe its worth getting some form of careers counseling first to give you a direction.

Hi OP. I think your in danger of over -thinking this, to be honest. Let's just look at the facts as they stand.

1. Your job is making you miserable. So - you have to leave that job. You are 42. What is the alternative? Carry in until you are 60 and end up ill? No. Don't let life pass you by while you're stuck doing something you hate. Take it from me - I'm nearly 50 and it's like time speeds up in the 40s. Make the change you need.

2. Nothing is fixed in stone. I'm not sure what you mean by all this 'housewife' business? Just because you leave a job, does not mean you are going to be scrubbing floors for evermore, does it? Get a regular cleaner in for a start. I'm sure your husband doesn't want you turning into a housework-martyr. It sounds like he just wants you to take some time to reassess. So do that - with a cleaner coming in at least once a week to prevent you going down that rabbit hole. As others have rightly pointed out, your husband won't notice if you've mopped the floors or whatever. But he will notice if you're looking well; maybe getting fit; maybe cooking better food and trying out new things? Maybe there's a renovation / decor project you want to do in the house? Are you creative - maybe join a club to try something new? You can volunteer? Get a dog; run a half marathon; get into yoga or Pilates something and train as a teacher. Learn a language online? Go on a retreat? These are all random suggestions, but honestly there is soooo much to do you want have time to fit it all in once you get started..,, Get back in touch with who you were before this career that has taken over your life. Who are you now, at 42. Who do do you want to be?

3. Don't stress about this all this being 'financially dependent' on your DH because you are anyway, surely? What's his is yours and vice versa. Doesn't matter who earns the money as long as you have enough (and it sounds like you do). So total non issue there.

4. You will work things out in your own time. If you want to return into work at some point, you will know when the time is right. There is more to life than this job you hate doing. Maybe start a mini business? What are your interests?

Age 42 is a great time to reassess and make a change. You are lucky your husband is on board and supportive because, as you can see on MN, many husbands insist on their wives working these days. So good luck!

I did OP, and not a single regret.

I jacked in my job and loved being a SAHP. Was the end of my career in my field, but being at home broadened my horizons.
Twenty years on I never did get back into the workplace- and I am mightly glad about that.
I have had the best time. My kids loved having me at home, I was never frazzled or tired trying to juggle everything.

I think you'd be absolutely insane to do that. Find a job that doesn't make you I'll, but for goodness sake don't make yourself so vulnerable.