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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my partners dogs coming over?

179 replies

itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:07

I’m fully expecting to get flamed here.

I have a dog myself and two cats, and partner has three dogs he shared with his ex partner of over 15 years. They spend half their time with us and half at his exs, generally two weeks on and off.

I really do consider myself a dog and animal lover in general but I find myself getting so stressed out when they’re all here.

I work from home (SE) and partner works out the house and is out for 10-12 hours a day meaning most of the looking after falls on my shoulders.

They are a very notoriously stubborn breed of dog meaning they generally don’t listen to anything I say. They are “alert dogs” so they bark constantly; my dog is anxious so I’m used to barking but when he stops I immediately go to him and get him to calm down, it’s a lot harder with 4.

If I try and walk them they all pull a ridiculous amount, I can’t walk all 4 at the same time so I have to do 2 at a time which takes at least 90 minutes out of my day in which I already have a small amount of time to work with doing the school runs.

Just little things like not getting to sit on my sofa in the evenings because it’s only a 3 seater and DP and them all sit together. They have always slept upstairs in the bedroom and being puppies, so they obviously do that here, spending all night grunting and snoring, running around the bed trying to jump on from 3am whilst my dog is tucked up quietly downstairs.

I’ve tried doing little bits of training with them throughout the day, but whereas my dog will sit, paw, and wait, they all barge around and won’t listen to any commands for a treat.

One is very pukey meaning I’m usually cleaning up every day. I’ve changed her food to something hypoallergic but the ex feeds her whatever so she usually still has stomach issues when she’s here.

I have sensory issues regarding sound so I quite often find myself getting seriously overwhelmed by all the noise and sounds they make.

Life is just so much easier when they’re not here. They’re very affectionate dogs which makes me wish I could calm down about some of the earlier issues and find better ways to cope with the noise and other things but I really do struggle with it.

Partner knows I find them being here very stressful, I would never stop them coming and stop him seeing them but I’d really like some ways to cope better with them. I suppose if it all wasn’t left on my shoulders I’d feel better but it’s impossible to do with DP being out the house for so long with work.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

OP posts:
catinboots123 · 18/04/2022 07:15

Who looks after the dogs when he has them at his own house but is out at work 10 hrs a day?

Nowisthemonthofmaying · 18/04/2022 07:16

Doggy daycare!

I have no idea why you've been putting up with this, it sounds completely untenable.

Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:17

@catinboots123

Who looks after the dogs when he has them at his own house but is out at work 10 hrs a day?
Sorry if it isn’t clear, we’ve lived together for over a year.
OP posts:
Weepingwillows12 · 18/04/2022 07:17

Tell your dp that looking after 4 dogs is too much for you in the day when you are actually meant to be working. What did he do before he had you? Can he not pay someone to come look after them or take them for walks instead?

I think he is being so cheeky. I also would definitely say no dogs in your bed if it's keeping you up. I am not a big dog fan though but why do they take priority over your comfort.

Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:18

@Nowisthemonthofmaying

Doggy daycare!

I have no idea why you've been putting up with this, it sounds completely untenable.

There’s no way he could afford putting 3 dogs into daycare 5 days a week with his salary unfortunately.
OP posts:
TheOccupier · 18/04/2022 07:18

Why would anyone get 3 dogs when they are out at work 12 hours a day? Were they acquired during lockdown by any chance? Sounds like you're being used as free doggy daycare... I reckon if you put a stop to that you wouldn't see him for dust.

Beckstar0 · 18/04/2022 07:19

I wouldn’t have them, they sound a nightmare (and I’m a dog lover)

Either he gets them trained or they don’t come over. What breed are they?
Your poor dog. I’d say their presence is affecting your own dog’s well being

TibetanTerrah · 18/04/2022 07:20

There’s no way he could afford putting 3 dogs into daycare 5 days a week with his salary unfortunately

So what would he do with them if you left him/died/said you can't do it anymore??

olympicsrock · 18/04/2022 07:20

This is ridiculous. DP should not have dogs if he is out of the house 10-12 hours a day. He is asking for far too much. No way should you have dogs in your bedroom or on the sofa.
He needs to only have them at weekends perhaps once a month when he is able to care for them. I take it this is your house? If so you make the rules.

Tlollj · 18/04/2022 07:20

Tell him to fuck off and take his dogs with him.

TheOccupier · 18/04/2022 07:20

Oh, cross post. But still... this is ridiculous. We often have threads like this about stepchildren and the advice is usually that the man needs to arrange his work commitments so that he can still be an active parent and primary carer when his DS are at his house. Same applies here!

RedHelenB · 18/04/2022 07:20

Doggy day care or at least a dog walker. Sounds too many dogs tbh, needed thinking about more carefully before moving in together but too late now .

BruceAndNosh · 18/04/2022 07:20

I assume your partner lives with you full time.

He needs to be paying a dog walker. He can't walk his dogs because he's at work? Well you can't either cos you're at work.

He knows you're stressed by the dogs so what's his solution?

TooBored1 · 18/04/2022 07:20

What did he do with the dogs before you moved in together?

Moochio · 18/04/2022 07:20

It's the same with people who have DSC. The custody arrangement is for him to look after the dogs. Not you. Tell him you're not doing it. It's his problem to solve.

Moochio · 18/04/2022 07:21

@TibetanTerrah

There’s no way he could afford putting 3 dogs into daycare 5 days a week with his salary unfortunately

So what would he do with them if you left him/died/said you can't do it anymore??

This. He needs to do whatever it is he would do if you weren't there.
Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:22

Not during lockdown, they’re pretty old now so him and his ex got them together. Oldest is 11, youngest is 9. We’ve been together for 4 years now, he used to live with family or in a house share with friends after he split from his ex so I believe there was generally people around to help look after them or they were only left a few hours of the day.

So they’ve had this lifestyle for a long time now, if I put my foot down and said they’re not allowed in the bedroom it’s likely they’d spend the whole night crying and barking to come in.

OP posts:
AntarcticTern · 18/04/2022 07:23

This would drive me mad OP. Your DP is being incredibly selfish to expect you to do all this.

EinsteinaGogo · 18/04/2022 07:25

Oh god, OP, this sounds awful.

You are obviously very caring and trying hard to make it work but it's just impossible.

How is your DP otherwise?
Who's house is it?
Would you be happier without him and the dogs?

Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:27

Thanks everyone. I was expecting to get some hate off dog lovers but I’m glad to see it isn’t just me.

I’ve spoken to him about it before, he told me I’d been walking round with a “face like a smacked arse” for a few days so I broke down and told him how stressful I find the dogs being here, but there was never any solutions brought up as to how he can make it easier for me.

We live together full time but it is my house (owned) and I have a DC from a previous relationship.

OP posts:
AtillatheHun · 18/04/2022 07:27

This sounds horrendous- your poor cats and dog! The obvious arrangement is that he lets his ex keep the dogs, contributing whatever costs he covers when they’re currently with you, and takes them for walks from his ex’s house at arranged times. He’s making them your problem when it’s very much his.

stuntbubbles · 18/04/2022 07:28

So they’ve had this lifestyle for a long time now, if I put my foot down and said they’re not allowed in the bedroom it’s likely they’d spend the whole night crying and barking to come in.
Earplugs for you; problem for DP to solve.

It’s all his problem, not yours. Set some boundaries – 90 mins of dog care a day is huge! That’s longer than a lunch break. Think about what your hourly rate is as a self-employed person, and times it by 1.5. That’s how much his dogs are costing you, daily.

Personally I’d LTB over this as it’s not a lifestyle I’d want to sustain, but understand that might seem like a nuclear option.

Vijia · 18/04/2022 07:29

Sorry but have I got this straight...your own MH is suffering as is your dog's and no doubt your cat's is too and you are too polite to say anything?!?!

This is not a loving relationship. He is using you. Wise up.

Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:29

He is great otherwise honestly so I don’t want to “LTB” or anything like that. Generally very caring and generous but I think because he’s had them for so long and never had kids they’re like his children and he’s blind sighted to how badly they can behave or just a lot more accepting of me.

The two oldest don’t let my dog go anywhere near them, they bark or growl the minute he comes anywhere near the sofa meaning he usually spends all evening in his bed whilst those three get all the attention on the sofa Hmm

OP posts:
HAF1119 · 18/04/2022 07:30

How about suggesting to him that he has the dogs on his days off as opposed to 2 weeks out of 4

If he told his ex that you are both working all day Mon to Fri (if you are) so they can't be cared for, then he has them on his days off only as they are his dogs, and he's effectively not caring for them the rest of the time, that may be more manageable.

If for example he had them every weekend ISO 2 weeks out of 4 that would give him 8 days out of 28 ISO 14 days, but he would actually be caring for them in that time

Or would that mean your days off are sort of ruined if it was all of them?

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