AIBU to hate my partners dogs coming over?

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

I’m fully expecting to get flamed here.

I have a dog myself and two cats, and partner has three dogs he shared with his ex partner of over 15 years. They spend half their time with us and half at his exs, generally two weeks on and off.

I really do consider myself a dog and animal lover in general but I find myself getting so stressed out when they’re all here.

I work from home (SE) and partner works out the house and is out for 10-12 hours a day meaning most of the looking after falls on my shoulders.

They are a very notoriously stubborn breed of dog meaning they generally don’t listen to anything I say. They are “alert dogs” so they bark constantly; my dog is anxious so I’m used to barking but when he stops I immediately go to him and get him to calm down, it’s a lot harder with 4.

If I try and walk them they all pull a ridiculous amount, I can’t walk all 4 at the same time so I have to do 2 at a time which takes at least 90 minutes out of my day in which I already have a small amount of time to work with doing the school runs.

Just little things like not getting to sit on my sofa in the evenings because it’s only a 3 seater and DP and them all sit together. They have always slept upstairs in the bedroom and being puppies, so they obviously do that here, spending all night grunting and snoring, running around the bed trying to jump on from 3am whilst my dog is tucked up quietly downstairs.

I’ve tried doing little bits of training with them throughout the day, but whereas my dog will sit, paw, and wait, they all barge around and won’t listen to any commands for a treat.

One is very pukey meaning I’m usually cleaning up every day. I’ve changed her food to something hypoallergic but the ex feeds her whatever so she usually still has stomach issues when she’s here.

I have sensory issues regarding sound so I quite often find myself getting seriously overwhelmed by all the noise and sounds they make.

Life is just so much easier when they’re not here. They’re very affectionate dogs which makes me wish I could calm down about some of the earlier issues and find better ways to cope with the noise and other things but I really do struggle with it.

Partner knows I find them being here very stressful, I would never stop them coming and stop him seeing them but I’d really like some ways to cope better with them. I suppose if it all wasn’t left on my shoulders I’d feel better but it’s impossible to do with DP being out the house for so long with work.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Omg, just get rid of partner. It sounds horrendous.
What is partner adding and is it enough to put up with this?

You need to stand up for yourself and your work time - he should pay for day care for them at least or renegotiate so his ex wife keeps them all of the time.
This just sounds a horrible way to live so personally I’d ask him to move out - they’re his dogs so his responsibility.

This is so appalling OP - I'm shocked you thought you'd be told you were being unreasonable, but it just shows your boundaries are completely off. It's ok - you can (and should) fix this.

The fact you are so unhappy in your own home, that your partner said you had a face like a slapped arse and didn't come up with any solutions when you told him how stressed you were, suggests he's very selfish (and quite rude!). I would suggest you put your foot down very firmly. The best solution is really for the dogs to stop coming over - there just isn't space for them and it isn't fair to your dog or you. If that means he moves out then, honestly, that's probably not a bad thing.

Please don’t tell me your boyfriend allows you to sit on the floor in your own home so that that the dogs can have to sofa?

Get rid of the dogs, and the boyfriend.

Or at the very least say you have to have them less - sharing dogs with an ex is fucking ridiculous!

If he can’t afford dog care, he can’t afford the dogs.
How much is he contributing to the household OP?

Anyone seeing the parallels - just swop out dogs for step kids…
Wife work by another route.

Change dogs for kids and it's a lot like some of the step parenting threads.
Honestly it reads that he is just with you because you look after his dogs all day.

Your poor dog, if you can't stop his dogs coming round you need to rehome your dog as you do not have his best interests at heart.

Why does your partner and his dogs take over your house?
I think at their age they are too old to be trained.

Just because your partner doesn't hit you doesn't mean this isn't a form of abuse.
You told him how you felt and he did nothing because he knew there were no consequences.

I have 2 dogs and would never date anyone with dogs, because they would presumably expect their dog to come to my house when they came and I wouldn't put my dogs through that.

Good luck with the talk.

Do people on here know how much doggy daycare costs?! For one dog we pay 500£ a month where I live, for 5 days a week. It’s a lot of money! There isn’t really a solution to your problem unfortunately

@AuntyFungal

If he can’t afford dog care, he can’t afford the dogs. How much is he contributing to the household OP?

Anyone seeing the parallels - just swop out dogs for step kids…
Wife work by another route.

This.

Your boyfriend isn’t as nice and caring as you think he is. Did he just expect you to have the dogs when he moved in, did he even ask?

This thread is insane. You let the dogs take your seat on the sofa. You let your dog be bullied. You let the dogs stop you sleeping. Come on OP I was feeling sorry for you but this is rediculous.

This sounds like a living hell.

We have two large dogs, so I’m not anti-dog.

I see they are aged 11 and 9. How long does this breed normally live?

You have a few separate issues to discuss here. Spending your time walking them one. I’d also want to sort out them waking you at night and the constant barking as priority. Can a dog whistle be used to train them out of it?

You're being a martyr, which is your choice, but it's really unfair to force your own dog and child to put up with this.

Also there's no indication that your boyfriend is in anyway in a partnership with you. It doesn't sound like he has any respect for you. Think about this-if the roles were changed and he was suddenly at home and you were out of the house, would you just expect him to get on with it? Or would you do as much as possible to ease the strain?

The biggest issue is that you don't feel able to communicate your thoughts to him. He's already got you in your place hasn't he? Why is he so comfortable making comments about your "face like a slapped arse" in your home, when you're doing so much for him? He's training you not to question his choices.

@TheOccupier

Why would anyone get 3 dogs when they are out at work 12 hours a day? Were they acquired during lockdown by any chance? Sounds like you're being used as free doggy daycare... I reckon if you put a stop to that you wouldn't see him for dust.

This.

@Giraffesandbottoms

Do people on here know how much doggy daycare costs?! For one dog we pay 500£ a month where I live, for 5 days a week. It’s a lot of money! There isn’t really a solution to your problem unfortunately

There is, leave the dog with ex. His love for his dogs does not trump the OP’s MH, her anxious dog and the time she doesn’t even have to look after them.

He’s been riding on sheer luck until now that whichever mug he was sofa surfing with would (no doubt begrudgingly) look after them. He is a massive, massive piss taker

I’m a dog lover but I wouldn’t tolerate this. The reason is this is not good for you,or the dogs! They are clearly stressed and therefore misbehaving. He hasn’t spent much time training them and it’s very difficult when they are older. It’s also unfair on your own pets. They are quite old to rehome. I would be inclined to live separately for some time as the situation you are in is quite untenable.

There is, leave the dog with ex

Will she have them? Agree that would be best

Why isn’t your partner walking his dogs before he goes to work and when he comes home? He doesn’t seem to do very much for the dogs he professes to love so much.

He can’t even feed the one with digestive issues properly. This much be playing havoc with her guts and have wrecked your home. As for his dogs taking up the sofa, why aren’t you pushing them off and cuddling up to your dog?

I feel sorry for everyone bar him. You, your dc and your dog are all suffering because you’re enabling him. He is not great apart from this issue. He’s rubbish with you 50% of the time.

Poor animals! and sorry I don't think your partner is great. He is stressing his own animals and yours by using you as a free dogsitting service. For the sake of the dogs put a stop to it NOW. I have got my own dog who sleeps with me, same as his brother did (he died two years ago) and I would not do this to my own pets.
For me rhis is one of those "when someone tells you who they are" situations...and who this bloke is is a thoughtless selfish user. I'd take the nuclear option without a second thought. I mean what did he THINK would happen once lockdown ended?
Oh and dogs shouldn't be "pukey" Has he not taken him to the vet to get the problem sorted?

This is insane op.

You can't sit on your own sofa, sleep at night and your dog is scared of them?

Your partner is deeply selfish expecting you to tolerate this. I'm a dog owner and animal lover but no way would I tolerate this crap.

If he refuses to see your point of view then I would be rehoming him along with his dogs.

@Giraffesandbottoms

There is, leave the dog with ex

Will she have them? Agree that would be best

If she doesn’t, rehome them. The OP should not be a second class citizen to someone else’s dogs in her own home.

@Giraffesandbottoms

Do people on here know how much doggy daycare costs?! For one dog we pay 500£ a month where I live, for 5 days a week. It’s a lot of money! There isn’t really a solution to your problem unfortunately

There really is a solution and that is to kick the selfish idiot out. I am sorry as hell for his dogs but its not the OP's problem.

I agree that it’s nuts having three dogs who require constant company when you’re out at work all day. This is the reason we don’t have one (never mind three) - there’s no one at home during the day.

What a shitfest…I don’t know how you’re going to resolve it. What does his ex do with them during the day when she’s at work?

But it's your house. And you can't sit on the sofa? And you spend your days cleaning up sick and walking them while your dog cowers in its bed. And you spend your nights awake unable to sleep properly in your own bed? And your partner does nothing about this?

I'm raging on your behalf and you should be too.

Seriously, no way would I accept being lumped with three badly trained dogs that bark all day, in my home. Not for any man.

When his dogs are on the sofa growling at yours they are resource guarding and it’s really dangerous to allow this. The next step will be a bite or a fight.

It sounds like they’re taking over your life and far beyond reasonable for him to expect this of you.

Ok so not lockdown dogs but your dp got them without thinking of long term consequences didn’t he and it is incredibly selfish to leave the house all day and let you deal with the dogs who are clearly badly trained
I’m a dog person but would never have accepted this. They need to either go to doggy daycare or go and live with the ex full time

If your dp doesn’t realise how unacceptable this is then he clearly has no respect for you