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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my partners dogs coming over?

179 replies

itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:07

I’m fully expecting to get flamed here.

I have a dog myself and two cats, and partner has three dogs he shared with his ex partner of over 15 years. They spend half their time with us and half at his exs, generally two weeks on and off.

I really do consider myself a dog and animal lover in general but I find myself getting so stressed out when they’re all here.

I work from home (SE) and partner works out the house and is out for 10-12 hours a day meaning most of the looking after falls on my shoulders.

They are a very notoriously stubborn breed of dog meaning they generally don’t listen to anything I say. They are “alert dogs” so they bark constantly; my dog is anxious so I’m used to barking but when he stops I immediately go to him and get him to calm down, it’s a lot harder with 4.

If I try and walk them they all pull a ridiculous amount, I can’t walk all 4 at the same time so I have to do 2 at a time which takes at least 90 minutes out of my day in which I already have a small amount of time to work with doing the school runs.

Just little things like not getting to sit on my sofa in the evenings because it’s only a 3 seater and DP and them all sit together. They have always slept upstairs in the bedroom and being puppies, so they obviously do that here, spending all night grunting and snoring, running around the bed trying to jump on from 3am whilst my dog is tucked up quietly downstairs.

I’ve tried doing little bits of training with them throughout the day, but whereas my dog will sit, paw, and wait, they all barge around and won’t listen to any commands for a treat.

One is very pukey meaning I’m usually cleaning up every day. I’ve changed her food to something hypoallergic but the ex feeds her whatever so she usually still has stomach issues when she’s here.

I have sensory issues regarding sound so I quite often find myself getting seriously overwhelmed by all the noise and sounds they make.

Life is just so much easier when they’re not here. They’re very affectionate dogs which makes me wish I could calm down about some of the earlier issues and find better ways to cope with the noise and other things but I really do struggle with it.

Partner knows I find them being here very stressful, I would never stop them coming and stop him seeing them but I’d really like some ways to cope better with them. I suppose if it all wasn’t left on my shoulders I’d feel better but it’s impossible to do with DP being out the house for so long with work.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

OP posts:
Indoorcamping · 18/04/2022 09:31

You hear about cocklodgers on here all the time but doglodger is a new one.

Sorry to be blunt OP but he's taking you for a mug.

Out of curiosity does he pay his way at your house? Do a fair share or the chores? Do favours for you like you do for him?

MostlyHappyMummy · 18/04/2022 09:32

What women put up with just to keep a man 🤷‍♀️

BrightonBunny · 18/04/2022 09:35

Ex lives quite far away, about a 45 minute drive and he doesn’t drive so visiting on a weekend would take a long time

So what? Not your problem is it?

Is he living in your house? Mate, you can't even sit on your own sofa! Where's your self respect? He is a total piss taker.

fairylightsandwaxmelts · 18/04/2022 09:49

I would be telling him that the dogs aren't coming over anymore.

I work with dogs and own a dog and there is absolutely no way I would have badly trained, growling dogs in my home, around my child and around my own pets.

I think you're hugely glossing over how dangerous their behaviour is. They growl and snarl at your dog - what happens when one day, that snarling turns into a full on fight and your dog gets bitten or worse, killed?

What happens if the fight takes place near your son and he gets caught up in the noise and commotion and gets knocked over and hurt or bitten?

Please put your son and your own pets first and ban these dogs from your home. They are not just badly trained - they are aggressive and unsettled and it's a recipe for disaster.

godmum56 · 18/04/2022 09:49

@Mix56

Nope, this wouldn't happen in my life. I would not walk his 3 dogs I would not have them in my bedroom I would not have them on my bed I would not have them on my sofa I would not accept him giving the wrong food, & having to clean up the consequential vomit

I love dogs, I have 2 big dogs.
He can live elsewhere, his animals do not make your home a free kennel, free for all
Your pre existing dog is getting put aside, as is your own wellbeing
This has to stop, he is completely taking the piss.

This. Your prime responsibility is to YOUR animals.
DearDoggos · 18/04/2022 10:16

That sounds quite full on and I'm not surprised you're losing patience! 1) Your partner should walk them either before or after work, as it sounds like they're only getting about 40mins of exercise a day which wont help them to settle when in the house. 2) if they are anxious/reactive then trial some Adaptil or Pet Remedy diffusers in the house, particularly in the room they spend the most time. 3) if a dog is constantly vomiting it needs veterinary help, sometimes just using a slow feeder bowl may help, but most foods bought from pet shop/supermarkets labelled 'hypoallergenic' are nothing of the sort. There's no real legal requirements for the packaging to be that honest. If its the breed I'm thinking of, then medication is probably required. 4.) You really need to set some boundaries regarding not being able to sit on your sofa. Either your partner buys another sofa for the dogs or they can use dog beds. Same goes for your bedroom.

I think maybe your partner is a bit oblivious as he's out of the house all day and it's seems as if prior to your relationship he had very little to do with looking after them properly anyway. Probably worth speaking to him with some practical solutions, otherwise you'll end up really resentful and it will affect your relationship. He probably has no idea there's a problem.

Loopytiles · 18/04/2022 10:20

Agree with the PP that there’re also safety issues here, even if dogs are older, as they don’t heed you or your DC.

DearDoggos · 18/04/2022 10:29

Have also just read your comment OP that two of the dogs are aggressive when your dog approaches the sofa - that needs to be immediately dealt with. Really simply, every time they do it they are immediately removed from the sofa, with a short sharp 'off' or 'no' command. Drag them by the collar if needed if they are too big to push or as I suspect wont listen to verbal commands. Otherwise you're just rewarding the behaviour. Your partner really needs to understand that.

ThePoetsWife · 18/04/2022 10:30

What is it about him that makes a great partner? Sounds like a piss taker.

SprayedWithDettol · 18/04/2022 10:33

He really doesn’t sound very nice OP.

ThreeLittleDots · 18/04/2022 10:37

How DARE he! I'm absolutely furious about this. You say he knows how you feel and had no solutions?! He's either thick or refuses to change things because he thinks lesser if you than his dogs.

You can't sit on your sofa or sleep soundly in your own bed because you want to keep your boyfriend happy?!

A decent partner wouldn't be doing these things in the first place.

Shinyandnew1 · 18/04/2022 10:37

He doesn’t drive, he’s lucky enough to find a younger woman who owns her own house he can move into. He’s lucky enough to have stayed with family or friends who have poked up with providing free dog care for him so his life remained unchanged and now you’re doing it for him!

He sounds like a real catch.

OverTheRubicon · 18/04/2022 11:00

@Shinyandnew1

He doesn’t drive, he’s lucky enough to find a younger woman who owns her own house he can move into. He’s lucky enough to have stayed with family or friends who have poked up with providing free dog care for him so his life remained unchanged and now you’re doing it for him!

He sounds like a real catch.

And don't forget that he also managed to get his old housemates to care for his 3 badly behaved and pukey dogs, and his ex to do the driving to hand them back and forth.

To be fair to OP, he's clearly a master manipulator, so it's not surprising she got taken in. But now sounds like a good time for a fresh start.

hellcatspangle · 18/04/2022 11:11

I love dogs, but no way would I put up with this! YANBU at all.

converseandjeans · 18/04/2022 11:16

It sounds awful. He doesn't sound like a great catch

  • can't drive
  • works 10-12 hrs/day (did he always do this or is he avoiding dog walks?)
  • no control over the dogs
  • living in your home so presumably no property of his own?

Does he pay rent? Does he do housework? Why isn't he walking dogs before and after work?

He needs to pay for dog walker during the day so you can focus on your work. We pay £6 for 30 mins.

It's really not fair on your own dog.

Dontbeme · 18/04/2022 11:22

Being honest he sounds like a shit boyfriend and a shit dog owner. He fobs the dogs off on anyone he can, leaves you to clean up their vomit, has them in your bed and on your sofa, causing havoc. Why does he even have these dogs if he shows no care or responsibility for them? It seems like this custody arrangement is a means of forcing his ex to be in contact with him and still run around after him even though the relationship is over. Are you not angry OP, this man is using you, he saw a nice homeowner that meant he could move out of houseshares or his childhood bedroom, he saw that your were a bit vulnerable after a rubbish relationship and already trained to not speak up for fear of what may happen. You need him and his dogs out of your home.

Flickflak · 18/04/2022 11:24

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

FabFitFifties · 18/04/2022 11:27

I am a huge dog lover. If he really loves his dogs, and his ex is willing, he would let them live a settled life with her. Is it getting one over on her? Some sort of power/control/because he can over her, dressed up as love for his dogs? At best he is putting his own feelings over the wellbeing of his dogs. That's not attractive, I wouldn't have a child with him. I wouldn't be exposing my child to him. He is telling you, by his actions, he is the boss in your house. You, your child, and your pets, your job, don't matter in comparison. I would be very wary of pack mentality too, if something blows up. Your dog is at risk, and your child could get hurt. So could you - they don't trust you, and he let's them know everytime they are on your sofa, that they are boss. Again, this comes from a huge dog lover and experienced owner. I am also experienced in selfish and abusive men, personally and professionally. Prioritise YOUR child, YOUR dog, YOUR income/job, YOUR life. Abuse comes in many forms. Good luck, don't be manipulated. Consider seeking support in recognising and avoiding/ending abusive and controlling relationships, to avoid similar men in the future.

WeAllHaveWings · 18/04/2022 11:29

Assuming he never moved out of ex-es and directly in with you, what did he do with the dogs before moving in with you?

You can't work with all 4 dogs at home, HE needs to come up with a solution that doesn't involve you fixing HIS problem for him. Give him a deadline to find one and after that deadline the dogs are no longer allowed over.

Whatsmyname100 · 18/04/2022 11:31

I really don't have any sympathy for you op. You knew all of this before you met him, so what did you expect was to happen. Every single point you have made about him, it existed all along! You knew his dog care arrangement with his ex, so you knew they would be coming along too. People calling the Dp all sorts of names, but it's the op who chose this!

InFiveMins · 18/04/2022 11:37

I couldn't live like this OP, I don't think many people would put up with it.

If you don't want to split then he needs to come up with a solution that doesn't involve you caring for his dogs all day.

He should just let his ex keep them and pay her more than £100 a month.

springtimeishereagain · 18/04/2022 11:43

it is genuinely just me who finds them such hard work.

That's because you're doing most of the hard graft of looking after them!

FairFuming · 18/04/2022 11:51

Jesus this sounds like the situation my ex put me in with his kids. I'd be kicking him out. He has no respect for you if he puts his dogs needs above yours to the extent where you can even enjoy your bed or sit on your own couch!

For a start he needs to sleep on the couch or a camp bed so you can actually sleep

WhoWants2Know · 18/04/2022 12:02

OP, you said if you worked outside the home, you'd just return home to a big mess? Why? Does he not clean up after himself either?

Exactly what is this guy contributing to your household beyond a lot of unpaid work for you?

GregBrawlsInDogJail · 18/04/2022 12:03

No. No. Just no.

The dogs cannot come to your house any more. That is the long and the short of it. That is a hard line. It's no good for you, it's no good for your poor dog who was there first, it's no good for your job, and it's ultimately no good for these badly trained, poorly cared for dogs. Shared dog residence was a ridiculous idea in the first place. Either they go back FT to the ex or your DP gets his own place with them. His choice, his problem. But the line is that they can't come to your place any more. End of story.