AIBU to hate my partners dogs coming over?

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

I’m fully expecting to get flamed here.

I have a dog myself and two cats, and partner has three dogs he shared with his ex partner of over 15 years. They spend half their time with us and half at his exs, generally two weeks on and off.

I really do consider myself a dog and animal lover in general but I find myself getting so stressed out when they’re all here.

I work from home (SE) and partner works out the house and is out for 10-12 hours a day meaning most of the looking after falls on my shoulders.

They are a very notoriously stubborn breed of dog meaning they generally don’t listen to anything I say. They are “alert dogs” so they bark constantly; my dog is anxious so I’m used to barking but when he stops I immediately go to him and get him to calm down, it’s a lot harder with 4.

If I try and walk them they all pull a ridiculous amount, I can’t walk all 4 at the same time so I have to do 2 at a time which takes at least 90 minutes out of my day in which I already have a small amount of time to work with doing the school runs.

Just little things like not getting to sit on my sofa in the evenings because it’s only a 3 seater and DP and them all sit together. They have always slept upstairs in the bedroom and being puppies, so they obviously do that here, spending all night grunting and snoring, running around the bed trying to jump on from 3am whilst my dog is tucked up quietly downstairs.

I’ve tried doing little bits of training with them throughout the day, but whereas my dog will sit, paw, and wait, they all barge around and won’t listen to any commands for a treat.

One is very pukey meaning I’m usually cleaning up every day. I’ve changed her food to something hypoallergic but the ex feeds her whatever so she usually still has stomach issues when she’s here.

I have sensory issues regarding sound so I quite often find myself getting seriously overwhelmed by all the noise and sounds they make.

Life is just so much easier when they’re not here. They’re very affectionate dogs which makes me wish I could calm down about some of the earlier issues and find better ways to cope with the noise and other things but I really do struggle with it.

Partner knows I find them being here very stressful, I would never stop them coming and stop him seeing them but I’d really like some ways to cope better with them. I suppose if it all wasn’t left on my shoulders I’d feel better but it’s impossible to do with DP being out the house for so long with work.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

4 dogs - you’re basically running a doggy day care at your house. There’s no way I would agree to that. It’s almost a full time job if they have to be walked separately.

I think ex would have them full time, there’s no way she would rehome. Life expectancy is 12-15 years.

As far as I’m aware she lives at the end of a very quiet cul de sac with nothing on the back so they’re quieter for her, she also WFH.

He already does pay her maintenance too, I think it’s £100 a month towards they’re insurance and flea/worm treatments.

She used to send food for that too but it was different, cheap crap every time so I got them on what my dog eats which is all hypoallergenic because he has stomach issues with some food too.

You dont want to LTB, fine.

But you dont have to live together. The arrangement doesn't suit you so live apart until the dog situation resolves itself.

But think carefully about going further down the rabbit hole with someone who isnt prepared to find solutions and simply sulks until you give up.

How old are you? Is this an age gap relationship? It comes across like hes Older and set in his ways and I'd really question of it's worth the hassle

Why don’t people invest in training their dogs? Why do they prefer to have a nuisance and a liability as opposed to a manageable pet?

He is older, yeah. I’m in my early 30s and he is 40.

I really appreciate all the comments. I needed a good kick up the arse.

I couldn't have somebody just leave their 3 dogs in my house every day. My own dog would not settle all day. My dog sleeps with me but I would not have a dog in the bedroom that ran around the room in the middle of the night and jumped on and off the bed. If it were me he would just have to make different arrangements.

What were his plans for them during the day if he hadn’t moved in with you? Start by asking him that and go from there. If he prioritises his dogs over his actual girlfriend, you know where you stand.

Where do you sit in your living room OP if his dogs are on the sofa?

Also is he paying you to live there? It’s been a while since I owned a dog but £100 a month maintenance - is that reasonable?!

Well there you go then - these older dogs will be happier in their own home anyway.
So you just need to tell your boyfriend that it's not working.
But why do you feel so uncomfortable about that?

@pictish

Why don’t people invest in training their dogs? Why do they prefer to have a nuisance and a liability as opposed to a manageable pet?

We stopped fostering dogs because I got fed up of being lumped with badly trained dogs from owners who simply couldn’t be arsed with the hassle any more. It made me really mad, it’s not that hard to train dogs if you have time and patience.

God. Four dogs plus cats plus kids.

I’m really sorry but they need to live with his ex. If not he can rent a place with them. You are your priority, your kids need a relaxed mum not a frazzled shell who has to spend two hours a day walking them

You have DC! Why are you wasting your precious time and effort on your partner’s dogs? With direct detriment to your work, self and whole household. Bad choices by you here.

If your DP always worked these hours and can’t afford services to help then he personally could not and still cannot provide adequate care for them so shouldn’t have put upon others to provide services for free. First his family, housemates (really?!) and now you. Selfish behaviour.

There’s the solution then. They live full time with the ex because they certainly can’t live with you.
Your man there will be sad but that’s the way the cookie crumbles. Most of us would accept that rather than foist the buggers on a new partner by way of ‘contact’. If they were trained it might be different but they’re not and those are the consequences of not bothering.

As an aside OP, how do your kids feel about having such a chaotic household half the time? If the dogs are always barking, it will be affecting them too, their ability to do homework etc.

We live together full time but it is my house (owned) and I have a DC from a previous relationship.

Your house - your rules.

How is all this affecting your CHILDREN ??! They must come first! (Not to mention your own dog and the cats...)

This man may seem nice and lovely and caring and what not........ but he is using you!!

You absolutely need to enforce proper boundaries. Either the dogs live full time with his ex, or he pays for proper dog daycare.

(Full disclosure: I'm a shelter volunteer and foster both dogs and cats. I love dogs. But your current setup is insane and not sustainable. You are trashing your MH and potentially your children's welfare.)

This is a massive imposition on you, there is no way on earth I would have put up with this for more than a few weeks.

Op it's time to have a hard conversation

No need to find a solution: that’s DP’s problem.

Would simply state that the dogs can no longer visit your home, or no longer visit when he’s not there.

Your priority is your DC and yourself.

No way would be spending half my life with that in my house. I would tell him either hand 'custody' to his ex, or get his own place. I had a friend who thought since I work from home she could drop her dog off with me each day and it would be 'fun' for me. Nice try but no! It is ok to not let people use you, even if that person is a friend or partner.

You need to be the alpha here. Insist on sitting on the sofa. The dogs, or your other half will have to move. Refuse to look after them during the day while working. DP will have to make alternative arrangements. It’s his problem to solve and you are not the solution.

You don’t have to break up over this, but you don’t have to put up with this either.

Explain all your issues with the current situation again and ask him to think of other solutions, as you WON’T be continuing this way. Yes you’ll have an argument over it, but if you stay firm, something will change.

Why is he so comfortable making comments about your "face like a slapped arse" in your home, when you're doing so much for him? He's training you not to question his choices.

This too ^^

Say no to his dogs coming over anymore . DP doesn't have to live with you if he wants 50:50 custody of his dogs he will need to do that elsewhere.

You need sleep

your child needs a mum who isn't stressed nor has her MH affected by these misbehaving hard work THREE dogs 50% of the time that aren't even yours to care for.

Your work deserves you focusing on it, not having to walk 4 dogs separately and constant barking .

Your dog deserves not to be scared of these interlopers in his own house.

You deserve to sit on your own sofa next to your DP or why is he there?

You do not deserve to be unpaid staff - unpaid doggie daycare and doggie nightcare to your partners dogs that he takes little part in caring for.

So .. Just... Say ... No !!

This is madness OP, I’ve never heard of anyone sharing dogs, what an manic situation for the poor dogs! They should be in a permanent home, can the ex not have them full time?
Obviously it’s too late now but you should never have let him move in knowing he would also have his dogs visiting, I’m a dog lover but this is too much and it’s all falling on you.
I hope he listens and you find a solution because I can’t imagine many people could cope with this situation or be happy about it.

You say:
'The dogs can't stay here anymore - I can't cope with them. After (specify the date) you'll have to make other arrangements for them.'

That's it. Just repeat it - and enforce it!

I suppose I’ve kept up with it because I know it would be pretty much impossible for him to find somewhere to rent that lets him have the dogs, so I’ve just put up with it for his happiness stupidly.

He is generally back from work when DC comes back from school or shortly after and he manages to reign them in a lot better than I can because they listen to him, just not me.

If I knew DC had a problem with them they would have immediately been gone but it is genuinely just me who finds them such hard work.

@stuntbubbles

How generous and caring is he when he won’t push his dogs off your sofa so you can sit down?! How generous and caring is he when he won’t make his dogs sleep elsewhere so you’re not up at 3am every night? How generous and caring is he when he’s happy to disturb your work by causing constant barking all day and asking you to take time out of your work to walk them?

Honestly he needs to get rid of the dogs or you need to get rid of him.

This. He’s using you, same as he used his family and his flatmates before you .

You’d be much happier if he moved out and you spent time together when he doesn’t have his dogs. Not every couple has to live together.

You have a child. Gosh.

I see they like the dogs, but I wouldn’t be able to be as good a parent as I could if I was stressed and knackered from the dog situation.

They’re also seeing you treated really badly. So you’re being a really bad role model.

If I knew DC had a problem with them they would have immediately been gone but it is genuinely just me who finds them such hard work.

And herein lies the problem - you need to have more respect for yourself. You have the guts to stand up for your kids, now you need to use those same guys to stand up for yourself!

And push the fucking dogs off the sofa. I’m sorry to say it OP, but this is a physical display of who comes first in his life - he doesn’t even let you sit next to him because his aggressive annoying mutts are more important and you are to sit on the floor like you’re the animal!