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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate my partners dogs coming over?

179 replies

itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:07

I’m fully expecting to get flamed here.

I have a dog myself and two cats, and partner has three dogs he shared with his ex partner of over 15 years. They spend half their time with us and half at his exs, generally two weeks on and off.

I really do consider myself a dog and animal lover in general but I find myself getting so stressed out when they’re all here.

I work from home (SE) and partner works out the house and is out for 10-12 hours a day meaning most of the looking after falls on my shoulders.

They are a very notoriously stubborn breed of dog meaning they generally don’t listen to anything I say. They are “alert dogs” so they bark constantly; my dog is anxious so I’m used to barking but when he stops I immediately go to him and get him to calm down, it’s a lot harder with 4.

If I try and walk them they all pull a ridiculous amount, I can’t walk all 4 at the same time so I have to do 2 at a time which takes at least 90 minutes out of my day in which I already have a small amount of time to work with doing the school runs.

Just little things like not getting to sit on my sofa in the evenings because it’s only a 3 seater and DP and them all sit together. They have always slept upstairs in the bedroom and being puppies, so they obviously do that here, spending all night grunting and snoring, running around the bed trying to jump on from 3am whilst my dog is tucked up quietly downstairs.

I’ve tried doing little bits of training with them throughout the day, but whereas my dog will sit, paw, and wait, they all barge around and won’t listen to any commands for a treat.

One is very pukey meaning I’m usually cleaning up every day. I’ve changed her food to something hypoallergic but the ex feeds her whatever so she usually still has stomach issues when she’s here.

I have sensory issues regarding sound so I quite often find myself getting seriously overwhelmed by all the noise and sounds they make.

Life is just so much easier when they’re not here. They’re very affectionate dogs which makes me wish I could calm down about some of the earlier issues and find better ways to cope with the noise and other things but I really do struggle with it.

Partner knows I find them being here very stressful, I would never stop them coming and stop him seeing them but I’d really like some ways to cope better with them. I suppose if it all wasn’t left on my shoulders I’d feel better but it’s impossible to do with DP being out the house for so long with work.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

OP posts:
MrsBertBibby · 18/04/2022 07:32

He's not very nice to you, is he?

What is in this relationship for you?

Joystir59 · 18/04/2022 07:32

Tell him it's too much for you and ask him to give the dogs to his ex if she'd be willing to take them on full time. They had the dogs together and they aren't together any more, he is in a new relationship in someone else's home. Sacrifices and compromises need to be made. You and your well being matter. Four dogs is too much.

stuntbubbles · 18/04/2022 07:32

How generous and caring is he when he won’t push his dogs off your sofa so you can sit down?! How generous and caring is he when he won’t make his dogs sleep elsewhere so you’re not up at 3am every night? How generous and caring is he when he’s happy to disturb your work by causing constant barking all day and asking you to take time out of your work to walk them?

Honestly he needs to get rid of the dogs or you need to get rid of him.

EggBurger · 18/04/2022 07:33

This would be a deal breaker for me. He'd have to move back where he was before until such time as he didn't have so many dogs. That might sound harsh to some but I truly could not tolerate this.

EinsteinaGogo · 18/04/2022 07:35

What did your DP do with the dogs before he lined with you, OP?

This sounds really tough for you.

How is he with the dogs when he's not working?

EinsteinaGogo · 18/04/2022 07:36

*lived

Haus1234 · 18/04/2022 07:37

I’m sorry, you can’t sit on your own sofa in the evening because he’d rather sit with his 3 dogs! And your poor dog who lives there full time sits scared on his bed!

This isn’t working OP, as you obviously know. How do your kids and cats feel?

gamerchick · 18/04/2022 07:37

You're not being fair on your own dog OP. Maybe you need to re-home if you're going to allow this to continue.

Tell your bloke to pay for daycare for his brood or think about living seperately. You don't need to sack off the relationship.

nannybeach · 18/04/2022 07:38

The dogs probably get stressed,a couple of weeks here and there. You cannot feed a dog with one food at your house, something different at the exes, guaranteed picking....and worse! To change over food,you must do it gradually over at least a week,a little of the new food a day. Would the ex be happy to have the dogs full time.? I do sympathize,I had a dog,yes,she slept downstairs with the cats, married) bloke with gorgeous pretty medium size dog,she hated mine,AND either slept in between us in the bed(not on it) usually on my back,as I sleep on my front. She had always hated cats,yet eventually slept downstairs with them. It was months of noise and agro,but it worked. Used to have 3 dogs, course you work from home,I went back to nights,you folk think....but you're home All DAY. He walks them before and after work. At that age,they won't need a massive amount

Joystir59 · 18/04/2022 07:38

When I met my wife she had a cat of her own plus several strays and a litter of kittens living with her. That many cats made me very allergic, so she rehomed them. She did so because she wanted a life with me whereby I could spend more than 24 hours with her without developing asthma and feeling really ill. She respected me. Your partner needs to do the same.

SmallPrawnEnergy · 18/04/2022 07:39

The more you reveal the more I think this is an awful situation. An anxious dog in the house, with boisterous, spoiled and untrained dogs coming into the home every couple of weeks just be hugely stressful for him / her. Your partners dogs are resource guarding. That needs management and training asap, no allowing on sofa for a start. But I fear this is more just a rant post, rather than a post where you’ll do anything about the situation.

nannybeach · 18/04/2022 07:39

Puck not pick

mycatisannoying · 18/04/2022 07:40

Oh my word, I am a dog lover but you are so NBU!

Moochio · 18/04/2022 07:44

So what did he say? When you told him how you felt?

Original poster
itsmellslikepopcarn · 18/04/2022 07:46

Thanks everyone I really appreciate the comments.

I’ll openly admit that I definitely have some boundary issues in relationships, ex was abusive to me so I guess now I just shut up rather than cause an argument because of what that used to lead to.

I’m ready for some hard conversations with DP though. Dogs are here currently so I’ll be speaking to him about it and telling him he needs to do more or they can’t come anymore.

Thankfully cats aren’t remotely bothered about the dogs and DC generally gets on well with them, especially the eldest one.

OP posts:
Tarnation · 18/04/2022 07:49

Would the ex take them full time if your partner paid her maintenance? If the answer is yes, then that is your (non-negotiable) solution.

Unsure33 · 18/04/2022 07:49

I am a dog lover , but this is too much .

I had 5 dogs here for a week and it drove me mad .

You are not being unreasonable.

He needs to do something , not sure what but something has to change .

Ivyonafence · 18/04/2022 07:51

I think your partner needs to move out. Reclaim your peaceful home. You can still be together while living apart and review moving back in down the road.

What does your child/children think about this? It must be chaos with all those animals inside.

I'm four dogs, however clean, will make a house smell of dog.

He's taking advantage of you.

XelaM · 18/04/2022 07:52

I adore dogs and have (a small well-behaved) dog that I adore as well as other pets, but ai would NOT put up with your insane arrangement. Your partner needs to take the dogs on his days off only. Full stop. Anything else is crazy.

RestingPandaFace · 18/04/2022 07:55

I’ve had dogs and that would drive me mad!

I think that there are some practical things you can do that might help make it more bearable, but they would need a sit down conversation first.

No dogs on the sofa, not yours not his.
Any displays of guarding behaviour need dealing with snappy dog goes in the kitchen on its own and yours comes in the lounge.
You can’t be taking 90 minutes out of work every day to walk his dogs, what did he do before you moved in together? He needs to go back to doing that, even if he has to get up earlier or pay someone. As an aside have you tried halti harnesses on them to stop the pulling?
Doggy daycare - if he can’t afford every day then two days a week.
No dogs in the bedroom, and definitely not on the bed. It’s impacting on the quality of your sleep.

Honestly if he won’t accept that there’s a problem and support you in sorting it out, I’d ask him to get his own place again until 2 of them have gone. Your dog is being made miserable to accommodate his. No way would I have that.

GizmosEveningBath · 18/04/2022 07:57

I wouldn't have a group of such badly trained dogs around my DCs and animals, sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Your work is as important as your DPs, if he can't mind the dogs because he is working, neither can you. He will have to make other arrangements.

Ikeptgoing · 18/04/2022 07:59

I would be saying the dogs cannot come over anymore as you don't get any sleep, your dog is being bullied, you can't sit on your own sofa, it is interfering with your WFH, it's impacting your MH and that's enough now. The dogs stay elsewhere and he can arrange to walk the dogs from his ex's house or he can move out and have his dogs over. You are not doggy daycare, if he can't afford that then he can't afford to live on his own and pay for the dogs doggie daycare AND his own bills. DP is using you, has let his dogs take over your life expecting you to soak up all the work, it's outrageous. Say no.

WindyKnickers · 18/04/2022 07:59

This sounds awful. No way would I allow this in my house. I would give him an ultimatum if it was me - sort the dogs or fuck off.

RestingPandaFace · 18/04/2022 08:00

Oh I’d missed that they are still being shared between homes, that’s crazy and also probably really unsettling for them. They are dogs not children, and he can’t expect you to look after then when you are working when they have another home that they could go to.

Ragruggers · 18/04/2022 08:01

Good luck tell him this is not working for you.He goes of to work and you are left with his dogs all day.How have you allowed this to happen?The sofa saga is the final straw,you need to set some rules in your own house.How can he look after the dogs when he works all day?What does he think happens if you go away,I doubt he even thinks about it as it has become the norm to him.The dogs need to go in the week and he can see them at the weekend and take them out.Good luck.

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