AIBU to hate my partners dogs coming over?

[itsmellslikepopcarn]

I’m fully expecting to get flamed here.

I have a dog myself and two cats, and partner has three dogs he shared with his ex partner of over 15 years. They spend half their time with us and half at his exs, generally two weeks on and off.

I really do consider myself a dog and animal lover in general but I find myself getting so stressed out when they’re all here.

I work from home (SE) and partner works out the house and is out for 10-12 hours a day meaning most of the looking after falls on my shoulders.

They are a very notoriously stubborn breed of dog meaning they generally don’t listen to anything I say. They are “alert dogs” so they bark constantly; my dog is anxious so I’m used to barking but when he stops I immediately go to him and get him to calm down, it’s a lot harder with 4.

If I try and walk them they all pull a ridiculous amount, I can’t walk all 4 at the same time so I have to do 2 at a time which takes at least 90 minutes out of my day in which I already have a small amount of time to work with doing the school runs.

Just little things like not getting to sit on my sofa in the evenings because it’s only a 3 seater and DP and them all sit together. They have always slept upstairs in the bedroom and being puppies, so they obviously do that here, spending all night grunting and snoring, running around the bed trying to jump on from 3am whilst my dog is tucked up quietly downstairs.

I’ve tried doing little bits of training with them throughout the day, but whereas my dog will sit, paw, and wait, they all barge around and won’t listen to any commands for a treat.

One is very pukey meaning I’m usually cleaning up every day. I’ve changed her food to something hypoallergic but the ex feeds her whatever so she usually still has stomach issues when she’s here.

I have sensory issues regarding sound so I quite often find myself getting seriously overwhelmed by all the noise and sounds they make.

Life is just so much easier when they’re not here. They’re very affectionate dogs which makes me wish I could calm down about some of the earlier issues and find better ways to cope with the noise and other things but I really do struggle with it.

Partner knows I find them being here very stressful, I would never stop them coming and stop him seeing them but I’d really like some ways to cope better with them. I suppose if it all wasn’t left on my shoulders I’d feel better but it’s impossible to do with DP being out the house for so long with work.

Does anyone have any advice for me?

Who gets three dogs while they are out all day at work and when they can’t afford to get a dog Walker or day care? Sounds like he already has form for being selfish and unthinking. There’s no way I would be letting those dogs come in to my home. It’s not fair on your family and animals. He needs to leave them with his ex, it will be distressing for them to change houses constantly too.

That’s the solution then they go and live with her full time , he pays her more maintenance to cover all food etc and he can take them out for walks whenever he wants to see them.

Honestly OP you have been a mug here. I’m sure there’s more to the story but it reads that it was super convenient for him to move in when you offered (?) to look after his dogs all day.

The very fact that he originally got the dogs without thinking through to long term consequences, or being bothered to train them, speaks volumes here.

*same guts

So I take it your kids don’t get to sit on their own sofa either because of the dogs? Come on OP, wise up! They may not be vocal about it but that would piss anybody off

@itsmellslikepopcarn

I think ex would have them full time, there’s no way she would rehome. Life expectancy is 12-15 years.

As far as I’m aware she lives at the end of a very quiet cul de sac with nothing on the back so they’re quieter for her, she also WFH.

He already does pay her maintenance too, I think it’s £100 a month towards they’re insurance and flea/worm treatments.

She used to send food for that too but it was different, cheap crap every time so I got them on what my dog eats which is all hypoallergenic because he has stomach issues with some food too.

Ah, that’s a longer life expectancy than it might have been.

I’d suggest you drastically change the amount you have them. Maybe every other weekend?

If I knew DC had a problem with them they would have immediately been gone but it is genuinely just me who finds them such hard work.

But your DS IS being indirectly affected - his mum is tired and stressed- and your own dog is being directly badly affected. If you won't stand up for yourself - and you absolutely should- then stand up for your DS and your own dog .

DP can leave the dogs with his ex where they are happiest. He can visit and take them for walks from there, if he wishes. He doesn't get to do 50:50 custody as he is not home to care for them, and is letting them take over your house and your bed, so that you are getting no sleep and little break and can't even sit in your own sofa. No point in expecting this to change as DP hasn't listened to you so far, so just say they can no longer come round. DP has options and if is not your solution to fix it for him, you're letting another man manipulate& abuse your generosity if you just accept this unhappy situation.

Nope, this wouldn't happen in my life.
I would not walk his 3 dogs
I would not have them in my bedroom
I would not have them on my bed
I would not have them on my sofa
I would not accept him giving the wrong food, & having to clean up the consequential vomit

I love dogs, I have 2 big dogs.
He can live elsewhere, his animals do not make your home a free kennel, free for all
Your pre existing dog is getting put aside, as is your own wellbeing
This has to stop, he is completely taking the piss.

I have three dogs , that's my choice and my responsibility, they are 2 years and 8 months so quite a lot of work and hard work so I really feel for you
I would tell him to pay for a dog walker , even a few times a week to give you freedom from that burden at least , you can't be expected to just cope with the jump from 1 to 4 , it's a lot !!

Op, you have been a saint looking after these dogs and putting up with them. Sounds like a nightmare. And your p is being really selfish just assuming that you will do all the work for them. He sounds like a poor dog owner too: doesn't train his dogs, doesn't feed them properly, they rule the roost. In YOUR house!!

Time to put your foot down.

"If I knew DC had a problem with them they would have immediately been gone but it is genuinely just me who finds them such hard work."

It is not JUST YOU who have a problem with it. It's YOU. YOU, the one who owns the house, the one who has a child to care for, the one who, for some reason I cannot fathom, has ended up taking care of and suffering those 3 dogs as if it was your job, for no benefit to you.

Please stop being a doormat and tell your partner that HE and his ex partner need to sort out THEIR dogs, because this arrangement does not work for YOU. Simple as.

He saw you coming didn't he?

Just say you can't have them any more. If he doesn't like it, off he fucks.

@Mix56 your post reads like a fantastic Dr Seuss poem for adults

Do you have to work from home? I'd be tempted to volunteer to go into the workplace so that your partner has to find a solution.

First step get them off the couch. Simply say to DP this is a family living room and I and DC have a right to be on the couch and stop your dogs growling at my dog.

He walks the dogs in the morning and at night to get rid of energy and then they stay outside during the day, therefore if they vomit he can deal with it when he gets home.

Good luck but you and DC need to be treated nicer than dogs and I love my dog

I’m self employed so yeah I’ve always worked from home. Don’t really make enough to justify hiring somewhere out. And then there’d probably be a giant mess for me to clean up once I got home.

Ex lives quite far away, about a 45 minute drive and he doesn’t drive so visiting on a weekend would take a long time. She drives them over usually. I realise I’m not painting him in a great light here but yeah, I’m ready to tell him he needs to find alternative arrangements.

@TibetanTerrah

There’s no way he could afford putting 3 dogs into daycare 5 days a week with his salary unfortunately

So what would he do with them if you left him/died/said you can't do it anymore??

Exactly this. He's got badly trained dogs he can't afford, and has convinced you (and your own animals) to pay the price.

Feels unlikely that this is the only way he's a selfish partner.

Does anyone else think this reads like "oh nobody could have expected the dogs to attack...." stories?
These dogs have no respect for you because their master shows no respect for you.
They're already resource guarding.
They're already showing the resident dog that they don't respect them.

I was ready to say YABU... But after seeing he has 3!!! And you already have pets you definitely are not being unreasonable. I wouldn't want them either. I say this as someone who has 8 but they're all our dogs acquired by us and they all know each other and live together. Trying to introduce 3 extras every couple of weeks wouldn't be practical or fair on any of them.

His ex drives the dogs to your house? He really has been enabled by everyone in his life from his ex to flatmates and now you. It’s good you’re ready to tackle this.

Your DP has already well overstepped the boundaries. Him and his dogs need to go.

I realise I’m not painting him in a great light here but yeah, I’m ready to tell him he needs to find alternative arrangements.

Focus on the fact that he is using you. It boils down to YOU being less important to him than his dogs.

Hopefully that'll fire up your motivation to do what you need to do for the benefit of...:-

• you
• your children
• your own cats and dog.

@Mummyoflittledragon

His ex drives the dogs to your house? He really has been enabled by everyone in his life from his ex to flatmates and now you. It’s good you’re ready to tackle this.

Agree.

Geez you are his unpaid doggy daycare. Why doesn't he just have the dogs when his ex wants to go away without them? Also he needs to walk them morning and night rather than you during the day.

It’s making YOUR dog unhappy so you need to woman up and put a stop to it.

Also, your “DP” is a cocklodger.

I realise I’m not painting him in a great light here

correct!

Doesn't drive so the ex normally drives them over - so what happens the rest of the time, don't tell me you collect them as well!

if he can't easily get over at the weekends to see them, that's his problem not yours. Who would take them to the vet if they are poorly when with you? I bet it won't be him if he doesn't drive.

Honestly OP you need to nip this in the bud today.

Not unreasonable at all. Not just for your own sake, but for the sake of the other pets.