Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and husband inform me with 48 hours notice that I'm hosting Easter

177 replies

DocMommy · 18/04/2022 00:14

Am I being unreasonable?

The original plan was for my sister's family and my mother to do their thing at their home, and my family to do ours. Good Friday I learn that my sister's family was "wanting to get the kids together" and that my husband offered for them all to come to my house. Of course that meant my mother too, and then (day of) my in-laws...

While this all was billed to me as "totally casual" "don't do anything" no-one else had organized anything before this get together (ie it's not as if everyone were coming back to my house after a brunch, no-one had organized an easter egg hunt for the kids, etc). So I of course found myself throwing together a meal for 12 people, who otherwise wouldn't have eaten, setting up an easter egg hunt, cleaning the house, etc A far cry from the original small family brunch and time to work on the yard afterward, that we had originally planned.

I was put out by this and afterward ended up in heated discussions with both my SIL and husband. They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary ... I guess they had planned to try to find pizza for the kids? My thought is if you bring over 8 people to my house including kids, with no plan for food or activities, on Easter sunday, that means I'm throwing Easter dinner whether or not I asked for it.

I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts and TIA!

OP posts:
VyeBrator · 18/04/2022 00:18

You're a mug.

You weren't forced into allowing them all over last minute and you certainly weren't forced into doing all the cooking and setting up the egg hunt etc.

But you chose to and now you're moaning about it, so I'm with them on this.

Hunderland · 18/04/2022 00:19

I most definitely would not have cooked an Easter dinner. I would have told DH, generous as he was to offer Hmm, that he could arrange the food. And if that was pizzas, so be it.

Seafog · 18/04/2022 00:22

Nothing wrong with ordering pizza, they were jackasses to expect you to pull out the egg hunt with no notice.
If they brought all their own eggs, and set it up while you sipped a g&t , it would have been different.

Tulips21 · 18/04/2022 00:22

@Hunderland

I most definitely would not have cooked an Easter dinner. I would have told DH, generous as he was to offer Hmm, that he could arrange the food. And if that was pizzas, so be it.
Agree.

Why did you do it, if DH arranged for everyone over?

LightDrizzle · 18/04/2022 00:22

Can’t vote as of course they were unreasonable in their expectations but you were unreasonable firstly in not speaking up and saying no, and secondly in being such a martyr and going all out.

EndersGame · 18/04/2022 00:25

Doesn't sound like you had to do anything, you put this pressure on yourself. Your problem not theirs.

VyeBrator · 18/04/2022 00:28

@LightDrizzle

Can’t vote as of course they were unreasonable in their expectations but you were unreasonable firstly in not speaking up and saying no, and secondly in being such a martyr and going all out.
They literally told her they didn't have any expectations.
Womencanlift · 18/04/2022 00:31

As soon as your DH said my family are coming over on Sunday your first response should have been great what are you cooking for them?

They didn’t need to be waited on and if they did all you had to say sorry as this was so last minute we haven’t planned for a full sit down meal. Takeaway it is.

Notimeforaname · 18/04/2022 00:31

Seems pizza was fine and they were happy to meet up at yours and figure it out. You needed to do nothing.

You took it upon yourself to make a dinner for 12 .

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2022 00:34

Your husband made this decision without consulting you, therefore he deals with absolutely everything.

They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary

They're right. You're being a martyr.

AlexaShutUp · 18/04/2022 00:35

Sorry, I think yabu.

Pizza would have been fine, surely, and the Easter egg hunt wasn't necessary. It's lovely that you chose to cook a lovely meal for everyone and that you took the trouble to organise the egg hunt, but it clearly wasn't expected of you and I think you need to recognise that you made a choice to do that.

I'm confused though - is it your sister or your sister in law? Not that it makes any difference, just wondered!

ilovesooty · 18/04/2022 00:36

I'm with the previous posters. You chose to do all that. If your husband invited them, he should have organised the activities and catering if anything was necessary.

greenlynx · 18/04/2022 00:41

I think you are a bit unreasonable. It’s your choice what to do. It could be just an egg hunt and snack for children. However YANBU because you had to clean/ tidy the house (at least a bit) and your plans were affected.

Teddeh · 18/04/2022 00:42

Your husband should have checked with you before inviting people to your house, especially as it sounds like you had other plans, even if casual. If you'd said yes, he should have worked with you to see what you'd already planned and if it could be leveraged or used later (for example, if he wanted to order pizza on Sunday, could your small family brunch preparations be used at another time or included as extras, or ...? )

I don't think any of this required you to cook Easter dinner, organise an egg hunt, etc. But I don't know where you live. Where I am, there would be places open for takeaway or delivery (although it would be a good idea to order ahead). So unless I really had my heart set on the small family celebration already planned I'd probably just make it clear to my husband that it was his responsibility to host/organize, and leave him to it.

LetitiaLeghorn · 18/04/2022 00:43

The shops were open on Saturday. Why didn't you just tell them all to bring some food with them? One brings starters and snacks, one brings pizzas and salads, one brings puddings. You provide drinks and a clean house. And why did you organise an egg hunt? Surely that's the responsibility of the parents of the children, not yours?
It sounds like they just wanted a happy family get together. I do think as women we put a lot more pressure on ourselves to make things perfect than we need to. So I do have sympathy with you and I think you kindly made a lovely day for them, but really you could have shared out the work.

KalvinPhillipsManBun · 18/04/2022 00:44

First world problems ? No one forced you, Yabu moaning about it. Some people have no family, count yourself lucky you do.

ZenNudist · 18/04/2022 00:47

Going against the grain here but Easter is special. I cook nice food. I'd be gutted to have shitty pizza like its not important. I cooked a full roast for 9 with lots of help and my dad bought the food and dh and BIL set up the egg hunt.

I can't believe they left you to do it all. You were right to say something.

Also if I'm having people round my house I like it reasonably clean and tidy. Not dust bunnies and poo marks on toilet (ds2 (8) im looking at you!!) Full bins or cruddy sinks. I have a cleaner so would always be reasonably guest ready but might need to tidy away mess and whip round. My dh pitches in. Even if they are "my" guests.

Next time do nothing at all. Get on with your afternoon gardening as planned and let dh and SIL wrangle the kids. Don't be a mug again.

Womencanlift · 18/04/2022 00:53

@ZenNudist

Going against the grain here but Easter is special. I cook nice food. I'd be gutted to have shitty pizza like its not important. I cooked a full roast for 9 with lots of help and my dad bought the food and dh and BIL set up the egg hunt.

I can't believe they left you to do it all. You were right to say something.

Also if I'm having people round my house I like it reasonably clean and tidy. Not dust bunnies and poo marks on toilet (ds2 (8) im looking at you!!) Full bins or cruddy sinks. I have a cleaner so would always be reasonably guest ready but might need to tidy away mess and whip round. My dh pitches in. Even if they are "my" guests.

Next time do nothing at all. Get on with your afternoon gardening as planned and let dh and SIL wrangle the kids. Don't be a mug again.

Easter is special for you but for a lot of people it’s just a bank holiday where it’s time for relaxing (and a takeaway pizza or a beige buffet is sufficient)

If it is a big thing in OPs family then that’s fine but the onus should have been on her DH to organise and cook for his family if he invited them last minute. For the OP to stress about it and then moan about it then that’s being a martyr

TheLoupGarou · 18/04/2022 00:53

You are being a martyr. My dad does this all the time and it's infuriating - he goes to loads of unnecessary (but genuinely appreciated) effort but ruins it by getting stressed and angry and resentful about doing the thing he has chosen to do....

VyeBrator · 18/04/2022 00:56

@ZenNudist

Going against the grain here but Easter is special. I cook nice food. I'd be gutted to have shitty pizza like its not important. I cooked a full roast for 9 with lots of help and my dad bought the food and dh and BIL set up the egg hunt.

I can't believe they left you to do it all. You were right to say something.

Also if I'm having people round my house I like it reasonably clean and tidy. Not dust bunnies and poo marks on toilet (ds2 (8) im looking at you!!) Full bins or cruddy sinks. I have a cleaner so would always be reasonably guest ready but might need to tidy away mess and whip round. My dh pitches in. Even if they are "my" guests.

Next time do nothing at all. Get on with your afternoon gardening as planned and let dh and SIL wrangle the kids. Don't be a mug again.

They were only going to have a small brunch anyway and then go and work in their yard, so while you may have been gutted to have 'shitty pizza like it's not important', you are not the OP.

With regards to the cleaning, she had 48 hours for her and her DH to do that if she thought it was necessary.

You're right that next time she should do nothing, although she should've done nothing this time too, being as though no-one expected anything anyway.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 18/04/2022 00:58

They said ‘totally casual’ and ‘don’t do anything’ but you did the complete opposite for some reason. Why the egg hunt?

I’d be pissed off at not being asked about people coming round but come on… you’ve created a martyr drama yourself.

NewandNotImproved · 18/04/2022 00:59

Your husband offered it to them, so he must have planned and bought stuff in and cleaned for all the guests, otherwise why would he have volunteered to host?

VyeBrator · 18/04/2022 01:06

@NewandNotImproved

Your husband offered it to them, so he must have planned and bought stuff in and cleaned for all the guests, otherwise why would he have volunteered to host?
That makes no sense. There was no planning needed and no food needed. Everyone was just popping round so the kids could get together...it's all there in the OP.
DifficultBloodyWoman · 18/04/2022 01:07

I can see both sides, to be honest.

And I think women get judged on hostessing skills far more than men. I know many families that would have made ‘comments’ if food and kids’ activities hadn’t been organized.

But having had a chance to think about it, I would have cleaned the house to my guest ready standards (because I would feel I would be judged otherwise) and then let DH carry the can.

‘Oh, DH told me not to prepare anything, didn’t you darling? Would you like DH to get you another glass of tap water, SIL?’ tinkly little laugh

WildCoasts · 18/04/2022 01:11

They told you it was casual and not to do anything so I agree, you gave yourself this work. DH invited them so DH can do the work of providing entertainment and food. Or, more likely, I'd just have ordered pizza for everyone as an easy and casual alternative.