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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and husband inform me with 48 hours notice that I'm hosting Easter

177 replies

DocMommy · 18/04/2022 00:14

Am I being unreasonable?

The original plan was for my sister's family and my mother to do their thing at their home, and my family to do ours. Good Friday I learn that my sister's family was "wanting to get the kids together" and that my husband offered for them all to come to my house. Of course that meant my mother too, and then (day of) my in-laws...

While this all was billed to me as "totally casual" "don't do anything" no-one else had organized anything before this get together (ie it's not as if everyone were coming back to my house after a brunch, no-one had organized an easter egg hunt for the kids, etc). So I of course found myself throwing together a meal for 12 people, who otherwise wouldn't have eaten, setting up an easter egg hunt, cleaning the house, etc A far cry from the original small family brunch and time to work on the yard afterward, that we had originally planned.

I was put out by this and afterward ended up in heated discussions with both my SIL and husband. They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary ... I guess they had planned to try to find pizza for the kids? My thought is if you bring over 8 people to my house including kids, with no plan for food or activities, on Easter sunday, that means I'm throwing Easter dinner whether or not I asked for it.

I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts and TIA!

OP posts:
Tilltheend99 · 18/04/2022 09:02

Are you American? By yard do you mean garden?

Yes, it’s annoying everyone invited themselves round but it is a DH problem because he accepted it.

Pegasussnail · 18/04/2022 09:02

If you had plans for a quiet day then dh was being rude inviting everyone over. That would have annoyed me a lot. The whole day gone and lots of work.
Why didn't they have it at sister / sister in law's house if it's so 'easy' ... Hmmm

LagunaBubbles · 18/04/2022 09:03

theyare trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary

And they are right.

higherthanthat · 18/04/2022 09:05

Yanbu. I hate these threads when man does wanky inconsiderate thing and woman gets blamed for it.
It was completely out of order for your H to invite everyone over without getting your agreement first and especially when you had plans.

If you are someone who ‘hostesses’ he would have known this and knew you would have prepared dinner. For all their weak ‘ you don’t need to go to any trouble’ they knew Damn well you would And I can bet my arse everyone’s eyebrows would have raised in surprise when dinner time came and there was no food. -
And if your children were expecting an Easter egg hunt., you couldn’t exactly not do one or exclude the other children from it, could you?
And for all You H and SIL said ‘ it’s your own fault for going to that bother’ they still let you, they didn’t come in and take over dinner prep did they? Or drag you out if the kitchen and tell you what catering they had arranged.
They knew you were going to put on a nice day for them when they invited the family over.
They massively take advantage and don’t even own their own lazy, manipulative arses.

SmellyOldOwls · 18/04/2022 09:05

@Tilltheend99

Are you American? By yard do you mean garden?

Yes, it’s annoying everyone invited themselves round but it is a DH problem because he accepted it.

Back yard is a perfectly normal way to describe your back garden if it has no plants or grass. If there is no vegetation it is not a garden, it's a yard.

Anyway next time they suggest getting the kids together OP maybe a picnic would be an idea. Meet outside the house and everyone's responsible for bringing something to eat.

Evilcountspatula · 18/04/2022 09:13

Your DH is the issue here and I don't understand why it was you and not him that ended up doing all the work.

notacooldad · 18/04/2022 09:13

I’m with your DH and sil.
Easter hunts aren’t necessary, coked dinners aren’t either. I would ave get everyone t club together for pizza or something.

Mellowyellow222 · 18/04/2022 09:14

Your husband organised this for his family. Why did you do the work - why didn’t he?

5foot5 · 18/04/2022 09:18

If in the UK then most restaurants and take aways seemed to be open yesterday. And all the small local supermarkets.

I assumed she wasn't in the UK since she said she had planned to work on the "yard", sounds American to me.

Also I think some may be losing sight of how many different family units are involved here. To me it looks like the Ops family, her sister's family, her mother and her Ils - which is probably PILs and at least the SIL who is mentioned. It seems as though the DH originally arranged this with one unit but then presumably all the other family members would have to be included otherwise they would feel hurt and left out.

While the DH and SIL may have felt nothing was necessary the OP knows her own mother and MIL best and probably realises that at least some of the invited people would be expecting more than an untidy house and a takeaway pizza.

It's OK for the DH to say it wasn't necessary but bet it wouldn't be him being silently judged by both mothers at the lack of any catering.

Dealwithit · 18/04/2022 09:19

@VyeBrator

You're a mug.

You weren't forced into allowing them all over last minute and you certainly weren't forced into doing all the cooking and setting up the egg hunt etc.

But you chose to and now you're moaning about it, so I'm with them on this.

Totally on them not you
Blossomtoes · 18/04/2022 09:33

They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary

They’re right. You chose to do it and now you’re being a martyr.

Cocomarine · 18/04/2022 09:34

All your choice, not what anyone else asked for.

BarbaraofSeville · 18/04/2022 09:40

It's OK for the DH to say it wasn't necessary but bet it wouldn't be him being silently judged by both mothers at the lack of any catering

Let them judge away. It's a rare person who can spontaneously cater a full meal for 12 people and have the house in a guest ready state with no notice.

The OP was BU for martyring herself and going above and beyond, but so was DH for agreeing to the hosting at short notice and not doing his share of cooking, cleaning and activity planning. The other relatives should have pitched in too. When it's your DM, MIL, SIL etc, they're not guests as such, so it would be reasonable to ask them to bring a dish or sort the egg hunt if that's part of the day.

TheKeatingFive · 18/04/2022 09:40

You're getting a hard time on here OP.

Yes perhaps you shouldn't have taken it all on and left DH to it, but we all know that isn't easy and we all know women get judged for not delivering in a way that men don't.

Bottom line is he should never have offered anything up without consulting you and quite why anyone would argue with that is beyond me.

Wallywobbles · 18/04/2022 09:47

Id have done like you. Everyone I know would have too. And I'd have been missed off. But also I'd have put everyone to work.

WalkerWalking · 18/04/2022 09:51

I used to be you. "If I don't sort it out then no one will". Turns out, if you don't sort it, then someone else actually will.

There's just no point in being a martyr about it, it ruins whatever effort you have gone to anyway.

ThirdElephant · 18/04/2022 09:53

YANBU.

Your DH should not have changed plans without consulting you first.

Also, it's all very well and good to tell you that you don't need to do anything special etc but then they're adding stress to you. Like if someone wants to come over and is all, 'Oh, don't clean up or anything,' you still feel like you have to, because otherwise you spend the whole visit fixating on the dust under the corner of the TV and trying to work out if you can surreptitiously wipe it off. For some people, it's more stressful not to cater and feel self-conscious than just to do the catering. You shouldn't have been obliged to do either.

dollymuchymuchness · 18/04/2022 09:56

IMHO, your DH shouldn’t have invited anyone without speaking to you about it. That’s where the trouble started.

Cherrysoup · 18/04/2022 09:57

Your DH should have organised whatever. What is this Easter egg hunt thing, brought about by social media and supermarket adverts? Surely a recent phenomenon? I would not have done a scrap, maybe bought the kids eggs.

Luciemaie · 18/04/2022 10:00

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

First world problems ? No one forced you, Yabu moaning about it. Some people have no family, count yourself lucky you do.
Some people having no family doesn’t mean the op’s not entitled to her feelings. She does have family and her feelings are valid.
Newmumatlast · 18/04/2022 10:07

@VyeBrator

You're a mug.

You weren't forced into allowing them all over last minute and you certainly weren't forced into doing all the cooking and setting up the egg hunt etc.

But you chose to and now you're moaning about it, so I'm with them on this.

I kind of agree with this but also see your point that you felt that you wouldn't have been able to not sort out more given it was Easter.

But actually it was your choice to do extra. And people will continue to put on you last minute if you do that.

What you shouldve done is either said no, I can't sort it all so if you want all the kids together it will need to be at yours. Or have said yes ok we can use our home but I'm not cooking for everyone im afraid as I want a chilled one so either we will have to order in and everyone pay for their own or you'll have to do a pot luck and all bring dishes to contribute. As for the Easter hunt if you were doing one anyway for your kids I'd have done this but before they got there and then nothing for everyone else they can just play.

TheArtfulBlogger · 18/04/2022 10:13

@KalvinPhillipsManBun

First world problems ? No one forced you, Yabu moaning about it. Some people have no family, count yourself lucky you do.
Why do people say such stupid things? Does it make you feel better because you can put a poster's situation down with this crappy answer?

99% of AIBU is probably "first world problems" so are you going to post this on all the other ones Hmm

LoveSpringDaffs · 18/04/2022 10:16

If SIL wanted to get 'all the kids together' why didn't she invite everyone to hers?

If hers is very small & yours is more suitable then she should have offered to bring or order in food.

Either way, you had plans, your DH shouldn't have arranged anything without discussing it with you first! Why does what his sister want matter more than what you want?

5foot5 · 18/04/2022 10:16

Let them judge away. It's a rare person who can spontaneously cater a full meal for 12 people and have the house in a guest ready state with no notice.

This comment would hold true if the whole family had turned up unannounced on Easter Sunday. But it wasn't totally spontaneous, she had nearly 48 hours notice.

That's enough to feel something is expected of you but not enough to have time to comfortably prepare and plan. Especially if you are the only one who can see that some things do need to be done

LizzieSiddal · 18/04/2022 10:16

Why did the organisation of the lunch fall to you? Why didn’t your H help with that? You may have chosen to clean the house, do an egg hunt and cook an Easter lunch but what was your H doing when you were rushing around doing all that?

He’s a lazy so and so and you need to stop being a walk over and should have told him he was sorting x, y and z for his visitors!