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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and husband inform me with 48 hours notice that I'm hosting Easter

177 replies

DocMommy · 18/04/2022 00:14

Am I being unreasonable?

The original plan was for my sister's family and my mother to do their thing at their home, and my family to do ours. Good Friday I learn that my sister's family was "wanting to get the kids together" and that my husband offered for them all to come to my house. Of course that meant my mother too, and then (day of) my in-laws...

While this all was billed to me as "totally casual" "don't do anything" no-one else had organized anything before this get together (ie it's not as if everyone were coming back to my house after a brunch, no-one had organized an easter egg hunt for the kids, etc). So I of course found myself throwing together a meal for 12 people, who otherwise wouldn't have eaten, setting up an easter egg hunt, cleaning the house, etc A far cry from the original small family brunch and time to work on the yard afterward, that we had originally planned.

I was put out by this and afterward ended up in heated discussions with both my SIL and husband. They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary ... I guess they had planned to try to find pizza for the kids? My thought is if you bring over 8 people to my house including kids, with no plan for food or activities, on Easter sunday, that means I'm throwing Easter dinner whether or not I asked for it.

I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts and TIA!

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 18/04/2022 08:04

I would have hated to eat your meal full of resentment - I'd far rather have a happy, laid back pizza. You chose to go all out like a repressed 50s housewife - why? Your DH could have told everyone to bring something for a pot luck or bought pizza - it would not occur to me my DH expected me to cook for his family unless I actively wanted to.

itsgettingweird · 18/04/2022 08:07

The initial response should have been "oh DH. What are your plans to food and drink and entertainment for the people you've invited over?".

Then told him to communicate this to the others.

However it also seems that maybe this did happen and they didn't expect anything - but you felt it should be organised?

In which case it wasn't sprung on you. You chose to spring it on yourself.

BornBlonde · 18/04/2022 08:08

Sorry OP but you did. Bring it on yourself. I would have done the egg hunt for just your own kids and fitted in the visitors after. My kids adore seeing their cousins so no planned activities are required, they just play in the garden or indoors with toys

GettinPiggyWithIt · 18/04/2022 08:10

I’d have stuck a buffet out and let them crack on

A full dinner? Normally absolutely no problem - in this circumstances nope.

Funkyslippers · 18/04/2022 08:14

You could have just had everyone over in the morning or the afternoon for tea and brunch or cake/chocolate and Easter egg hunt. You chose a more difficult option for some reason! YABU

Ninjaexpress · 18/04/2022 08:14

@GettinPiggyWithIt

I’d have stuck a buffet out and let them crack on

A full dinner? Normally absolutely no problem - in this circumstances nope.

Is that a magic buffet appearing from nowhere or do you keep the food for an impromptu buffet for 12 handy at all times?
A580Hojas · 18/04/2022 08:15

I would have been furious if my planned Easter Sunday was hijacked like that. If SIL wanted to get all the kids together she could have invited them round to hers and given you a nice day off from them.

I would NOT be happy to be forced to eat a fucking pizza for dinner on Easter Sunday because of someone else's wishes.

Moan away OP. You had a last minute change of plan foisted on you. Pmsl at the number of posters who would joyfully taken it all in their stride. Liars.

Weewillywinkle · 18/04/2022 08:17

Mumsnet seems to split between people who don't open the door to others and those who think you are being a martyr for not casually throwing open your house to a huge crowd at the last minute!!

I would have been annoyed. I don't mind hosting if I've offered. My house is not a Showhome, I would need time to get it up to the standard I wanted it with guests or I would feel uncomfortable. I would also want decent food.

I don't have a big family.who live nearby though, so this situation would never happen to me.

SpiderVersed · 18/04/2022 08:18

I’m bemused by the number of posters thinking you need activities for children. Isn’t playing with their cousins sufficient?

thebabynanny · 18/04/2022 08:19

Personally, if my husband had invited his family over on Easter, I’d have said ok but after lunch/brunch (whatever I had planned).
I’d have done the Easter egg hunt for my own children first thing, fed my own family brunch and then let my husband host the totally casual get together with his family in the afternoon.

HELLITHURT · 18/04/2022 08:20

Does your husband not own your house with you? Lots of "my" house going on!

You sound very controlling and I would've just let them get on with it, or let my husband cook.

Oatsandstuff · 18/04/2022 08:21

@SpiderVersed

I’m bemused by the number of posters thinking you need activities for children. Isn’t playing with their cousins sufficient?
Who has said this?
Greengreenhill · 18/04/2022 08:22

You made it into a big deal and probably made everyone feel uncomfortable. Can’t your dh invite his family round for a few hours?

AngelinaFibres · 18/04/2022 08:22

Years ago ,when I was young and a people pleaser, I would have wanted to be seen as an amazing hostess who could just throw together a Boden advert worthy Easter celebration with 10 minutes notice. I have found, post menopause, that my brain has totally shifted. If family wanted to get together that would be lovely but everyone brings something as a contribution. If no one brings much then they can eat properly in their own homes later, not my problem. Easter egg hunts are easy, if there's a bush shove an egg in it. Count how many you hid so you know they can stop looking ,or let them crack on if they are enjoying it , whilst you have a gin. My mother never gave a damn what people thought of her. If they had invited themselves at short notice then it would have been a group responsibility. I am trying to be a bit more like her. It's very freeing.

Rosehugger · 18/04/2022 08:25

YANBU. If I had 12 people over I'd want more than two days' notice, however casual. Massive change of plans to what you had expected from the weekend. Hope you have a relaxing day today and that they won't do that again, now you have marked their cards.

BellePeppa · 18/04/2022 08:35

@ZenNudist

Going against the grain here but Easter is special. I cook nice food. I'd be gutted to have shitty pizza like its not important. I cooked a full roast for 9 with lots of help and my dad bought the food and dh and BIL set up the egg hunt.

I can't believe they left you to do it all. You were right to say something.

Also if I'm having people round my house I like it reasonably clean and tidy. Not dust bunnies and poo marks on toilet (ds2 (8) im looking at you!!) Full bins or cruddy sinks. I have a cleaner so would always be reasonably guest ready but might need to tidy away mess and whip round. My dh pitches in. Even if they are "my" guests.

Next time do nothing at all. Get on with your afternoon gardening as planned and let dh and SIL wrangle the kids. Don't be a mug again.

I went out for the day and had a toasted cheese sandwich. Christmas is quite enough in my house for a big family dinner celebration. Easter’s not such a big deal to a lot of people nowadays. I would have told them to all bring something or I’d happily have agreed to pizza but we’re all different of course.
Womencanlift · 18/04/2022 08:37

@A580Hojas

I would have been furious if my planned Easter Sunday was hijacked like that. If SIL wanted to get all the kids together she could have invited them round to hers and given you a nice day off from them.

I would NOT be happy to be forced to eat a fucking pizza for dinner on Easter Sunday because of someone else's wishes.

Moan away OP. You had a last minute change of plan foisted on you. Pmsl at the number of posters who would joyfully taken it all in their stride. Liars.

You sound very angry and love how you call people with a different opinion than you a liar Hmm

I can assure you I am no liar and I am not going to bend over backwards for unexpected guests, particularly family. They can come over any time they want but not going to host like it’s Christmas Day on what, for us, is just a bank holiday weekend.

I get that others do things more formally or think Easter is more special than that but I wouldn’t call them a liar if they did things differently than me

Rosehugger · 18/04/2022 08:46

I agree Easter warrants a nice meal and a proper celebration- it's better and more relaxed than Christmas as the weather often means you can get outside a bit,and lots of families have not been together much in the last two years. Even last year we were still under some restrictions.

People shouldn't be volunteering a location without direct offers of help. So SIL and DH should have offered ditectly to make a course, bring the eggs for the hunt as well with the request for OP to host, and so should the other inlaws. The "Oh it only has to be casual, darling" request is bollocks, and SIL and DH know it.

Bournetilly · 18/04/2022 08:47

YABU, they said no expectations! You could have ordered a pizza/ takeaway and asked them all to bring some snacks / drinks.
You didn’t need to do an egg hunt but even so all you need to do is hide some eggs round the garden it doesn’t need to take long, you could of asked them all to bring some eggs.

Riverlee · 18/04/2022 08:48

If I was hosting on Easter Day, with kids involved, I would want to put on a decent meal and Easter activities, and get the house clean and tidy.

To be honest, I find buffets or barbecues harder than roasts, and they involve more planning.

Two days notice is not enough. Did they suggest coming to you because they knew you would pull out the stops?

You sound like a thoughtful host, who is a tiny bit annoyed at being put upon last minute. Feeding and hosting twelve at such short notice isn’t easy, and a nice relaxing bank holiday weekend was taken from you.

UsernameInTheTown · 18/04/2022 08:48

More fool you. I think you own DH and DSIL an apology.

MarriedThreeChildren · 18/04/2022 08:53

Your DH organised with his Dsis?
Fine, he should have done the cooking etc… not you.

In some ways they are right, you chose to step in.
On the other side, they both knew very well that you were going to step in and if you didn’t it would reflect badly on YOU (thanks patriarchal society).
A good way to avoid that would have been to say ‘OK you sort it out’ to your DH and then make it e trembly clear to everyone that this was an organisation from your DH and SIL and they were in charge of Easter.

They were cheeky and even more cheeky to them tell you it was ‘your choice’ imo.

muddyford · 18/04/2022 08:55

I voted YABU , only because I think you were for not just leaving DH and SIL to organise good and eggs.

MarriedThreeChildren · 18/04/2022 08:56

I’d also say that, if in your family, the tradition has always been to do a nice meal for Easter, doing something very low key and that YOU organised was putting you in a crap position.
Because suddenly, You would have been the one to break the tradition and do a low key event - and no way to know what everyone else would think about it, incl your DH and SIL as everyone would have been expecting a nice meal.

If the tradition in your family was for a nice meal (which i imagine it is as you immediately prepared for that), they were in no place to make you the person to suddenly change that at YOUR own perils, not theirs.

MajorCarolDanvers · 18/04/2022 08:58

You did decide to do all those things and they were invited by your DH so stop blaming SIL.

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