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AIBU?

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Original poster

SIL and husband inform me with 48 hours notice that I'm hosting Easter

177 replies

DocMommy · 18/04/2022 00:14

Am I being unreasonable?

The original plan was for my sister's family and my mother to do their thing at their home, and my family to do ours. Good Friday I learn that my sister's family was "wanting to get the kids together" and that my husband offered for them all to come to my house. Of course that meant my mother too, and then (day of) my in-laws...

While this all was billed to me as "totally casual" "don't do anything" no-one else had organized anything before this get together (ie it's not as if everyone were coming back to my house after a brunch, no-one had organized an easter egg hunt for the kids, etc). So I of course found myself throwing together a meal for 12 people, who otherwise wouldn't have eaten, setting up an easter egg hunt, cleaning the house, etc A far cry from the original small family brunch and time to work on the yard afterward, that we had originally planned.

I was put out by this and afterward ended up in heated discussions with both my SIL and husband. They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary ... I guess they had planned to try to find pizza for the kids? My thought is if you bring over 8 people to my house including kids, with no plan for food or activities, on Easter sunday, that means I'm throwing Easter dinner whether or not I asked for it.

I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts and TIA!

OP posts:
AchillesPoirot · 18/04/2022 06:56

I’ve never done an Easter egg hunt either and my youngest is an adult. I never had one either

GoFishandChips · 18/04/2022 07:01

I would have felt the same OP, but you could and should have delegated the work. Made your DH pay for takeaway pizza and sort out the order and got SIL to provide Eggs for her children for the hunt and she could have hidden them etc.

grapehyacinthisactuallyblue · 18/04/2022 07:05

I think you did put pressure on yourself. You didn't have to do anything if you didn't want to. You chose to do it.

I would have told my dh to do all the arrangement since he offered, though I would have helped if I could. But I 'm not going to go above and beyond to impress and get stressed up.

JudgementalRaccoon · 18/04/2022 07:09

I agree with others that the best thing to do would have been to portion out jobs - husband to do all the cleaning, SIL to bring desserts, MIL to bring eggs and set up egg hunt, and me to cook the dinner (because then I get my roast lamb cooked the way I like it). That’s all in theory though, because in practise I’d probably have just done most of it myself (DH would have helped, but needed instructions on how to do everything which I’d have silently seethed at!) because I’m a people pleaser and have a ridiculous need for validation from others by being seen as being a good cook/host/being able to hold it all together etc.

Dishwashersaurous · 18/04/2022 07:11

Another voice to say that you weren't hosting Easter.

The family were popping over so that the children could see each other.

You don't have to do activities or special food

AtillatheHun · 18/04/2022 07:12

@MyCatIsAJerk has it - if OP had taken them at their word on pizza (& good luck finding somewhere open to deliver), I strongly suspect that her in laws would have been annoyed about the lack of fuss (I am thinking of a parallel situation involving my in laws - divorced parents and new partners plus SIL from overseas and her entire family- who invited themselves to mine for a bbq / day. I left catering to husband since he sprung the lot on me late notice - inevitably, they were sniffy about the lack of effort made for them).

Wheresthebeach · 18/04/2022 07:12

You should have been consulted. I’m surprised so many are happy with 12 people coming over without being consulted. Personally I’d find it stressful if there were no plans and it was just a bit chaotic. I understand how you feel OP. I think you felt ‘duty bound’ to feed them.

gamerchick · 18/04/2022 07:16

Your husband offered, it was all on him. I'd have probably given the house a clean but I like an opportunity and a deadline for that. Tell him that for next time and stick to it.

Dishwashersaurous · 18/04/2022 07:16

If in the UK then most restaurants and take aways seemed to be open yesterday. And all the small local supermarkets.

For lots of people Easter isn't an event day, just a chance to have two extra days of work and quite often get some DIY done. Which seemed to be the ops plan.

So she could have just said that was the plan, and crack on with her plan.

Fundays12 · 18/04/2022 07:35

I can understand why you felt you should host all these people coming doesn’t mean you had too. If my DH had done that I would have given him a list of things that needed done, shopping to get and told him to get pizza etc. I probably would also have told him to suggest that an Easter egg hunt was arranged and everyone brings a Buffett item to have lunch.

We do have relaxed Easter weekends with the kids and no stress, no fancy meals but plenty of play and chocolates. I didn’t even know Easter dinner was a thing till recently.

OatmilkandCookies · 18/04/2022 07:37

Your DH caused this. He's the one who invited your sister, then in-laws. Its all very well to those saying that he should have just gone and sorted it, but I know I would be mortified if my family and in-laws landed round and I had nothing in.
What I would have done however is as others suggest, give out jobs - things for you and DH, your sister, SiL and MiL. Its how we work Christmas every year with my MiL and it works- everyone knows their own job and we all make it work.

Thisisit2022 · 18/04/2022 07:40

Sounds like a Faye Weldon short story. Your husband offered, he should have done all the work.

Heronwatcher · 18/04/2022 07:42

But your husband offered? Why an earth didn’t you then let him sort everything out, obviously you could have helped. Also he could have done baked potatoes and let the kids make their own treasure hunt. In your SIL’s position I would far rather not have been “hosted” than have you do this and then a row because you’ve made yourself a martyr.

ThreeLocusts · 18/04/2022 07:44

Hi OP, sorry you're getting dismissed so roundly. Your DH and SIL should have consulted you; he should know you well enough to know that you were going to feel obliged to host.

Nice to hear that so many PPs here have no problem saying no or keeping it totally informal, but not everyone works like this and a partner should respect that.

Inertia · 18/04/2022 07:44

It’s all very well saying just have pizza and don’t get extra eggs for other children, but that then scuppers OP’s original plans. Is anyone really going to cook roast dinner as planned for the my and their children, and tell visitors to order takeaway? Is anyone really going to do Easter eggs/an egg for their own children but leave out nieces and nephews?

All of the ‘it’s no bother, just do pizza/ tell someone to do this/ throw together xyz/ organise for everyone to bring different parts of a meal’ is extra work.

SquirrelFan · 18/04/2022 07:46

Don't blame you in the slightest, OP. If people (including children) are coming to mine, I want to host reasonably well and make sure everyone has a nice meal and the children are entertained. Obviously your husband was unreasonable. I think having an argument with him and your SIL has shown them your feelings (not in the best way, however), so it probably won't happen again.

tara66 · 18/04/2022 07:46

OP - how did you manage? What did you give everyone to eat? Do you have a well stocked freezer, get a late delivery or rush to supermarket?

UnbeatenMum · 18/04/2022 07:49

I would definitely have cleaned (and made DH clean too). Probably would have suggested a bring and share picnic type lunch with that short notice though. I do sometimes do a roast at Easter but not every year like Christmas.

cooldarkroom · 18/04/2022 07:51

I think I would have said for everyone to bring something, salads/ etc
Send H to find cold meats etc.
Would not gave tidied up, (no warning)
& said everyone pitch in with washing up.
Then enjoyed it

Figgygal · 18/04/2022 07:55

Theu shouldn't have descended on you without your husband checking it was ok and he should hsve helped you tidy
But the rest of it you chose to make it more complicated for yourself with meals and egg hunts

FangsForTheMemory · 18/04/2022 07:56

I think they would have moaned if you’d done nothing. Another time, do just that and see what happens.

rookiemere · 18/04/2022 07:57

I smell burning martyr.

I'd have organised an Easter Egg hunt - presumably you were doing one for your own DCs anyway- tidied but not cleaned the house, and left them to it.

What's wrong with a casual pizza lunch ?
I'd far rather order in some pizza - as agreed - than eat a fulk roast dinner, angrily served up by someone who didn't want to make it.
Why did you have to spend two days cleaning for some family to come ?

AuntieMarys · 18/04/2022 07:59

I'd have told them to come over 10 till 12. Serve coffee and cake.
I certainly couldn't ( and wouldnt) rustle up dinner for hoardes of randoms

Ninjaexpress · 18/04/2022 08:01

More fool you Op, sorry. Your reply to SIL and DH was "OK fine, I'll cook our roast on Monday and leave sorting this out to you two".

I'm puzzled by the people assuming anyone would be organising easter egg hunts for their children - since when did that become a thing? Oh, of course it didn't. Most parents just chuck eggs at them and put the kettle on.

Clutterbugsmum · 18/04/2022 08:03

Well you now know next time DH & SIL decide between them that they are doing a 'spur of the moment' family get together let them.

Don't tidy up, don't arrange entertainment and let them organise it and food as well.

It won't happen again once they have to do all the work involved.