Page 2 | SIL and husband inform me with 48 hours notice that I'm hosting Easter

Hawkins001 · 18/04/2022 01:21

@DocMommy

Am I being unreasonable?

The original plan was for my sister's family and my mother to do their thing at their home, and my family to do ours. Good Friday I learn that my sister's family was "wanting to get the kids together" and that my husband offered for them all to come to my house. Of course that meant my mother too, and then (day of) my in-laws...

While this all was billed to me as "totally casual" "don't do anything" no-one else had organized anything before this get together (ie it's not as if everyone were coming back to my house after a brunch, no-one had organized an easter egg hunt for the kids, etc). So I of course found myself throwing together a meal for 12 people, who otherwise wouldn't have eaten, setting up an easter egg hunt, cleaning the house, etc A far cry from the original small family brunch and time to work on the yard afterward, that we had originally planned.

I was put out by this and afterward ended up in heated discussions with both my SIL and husband. They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary ... I guess they had planned to try to find pizza for the kids? My thought is if you bring over 8 people to my house including kids, with no plan for food or activities, on Easter sunday, that means I'm throwing Easter dinner whether or not I asked for it.

I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts and TIA!

At least you was a good host.

OakRowan · 18/04/2022 02:20

I think its irritating there was a relatively last minute change of plans for you, when you had quieter plans, but you have turned it into a big 'look what you made me do' blame drama by going to so much effort once a decision had been made without you, your response was to go all out, in a passive aggressive suffering from all the labour way and the only person that really affected was you. So of course I HAD TO DO all this work, to make a point you weren't happy. Well no. They benefitted, but you made those choices, they're right about that.
All you can do is avoid it next time there's a family holiday looming, better communication and planning between all of you.

MyCatIsAJerk · 18/04/2022 02:55

I see this as a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation, @DocMommy.
You argued with them because you went all out.
But had you done nothing, I have the sneaking suspicion they would’ve been put out that they didn’t have an Easter dinner or egg hunt for the kiddies.
You just can’t win with some folks.

JaninaDuszejko · 18/04/2022 03:34

This would really piss me off and it's the kind of thing DHs family do. 'Oh don't go to any trouble, we'll just eat a sandwich' they like to say. But what is no bother to do when you are a single person or couple becomes a much bigger job when you're sorting out food for 12 people. The people who are most insistent it's no work at all are those who never ever host of course. If I didn't prepare and cook then DH and his family wouldn't do anything and yes this has been tested. It becomes a game of chicken and the person who breaks first is inevitably the mother of young children that are getting hungry and fractious (so me or SIL).

NumberTheory · 18/04/2022 03:54

I think you would have been reasonable to be pissed off at DH for wrecking your quiet low key Easter and nice brunch without consulting you and at little notice.

But since they told you not to do anything the fact you threw together a big lunch is definitely you being unreasonable, and to some extent, not just you being unreasonably martyrish, but also unreasonable in making their day totally different from what they’d intended (this last bit would matter more if it hadn’t been a surprise they sprang on you). Unless DH and co have form for telling you not to go to any trouble and then complaining about the lack of refreshments or eating everything you have in for the next day or leaving the place a wreck for you to tidy up. If they have form for that YANBU to be annoyed but might BU to have stayed and cooked for them instead of decamping until everything’s tidied up and back to normal.

Is it possible, OP, that your DH’s family would like a bit more spontaneous and just spend more time together informally rather have to have things be a big deal and need planning and notice?

Momijin · 18/04/2022 04:26

I'm with you op. No way could I have had family over to celebrate Easter and not had food and activities for the kids!

It should have been discussed with you and your husband should have contributed and your sil brought stuff too

TheLadyDIdGood · 18/04/2022 05:22

Why didn't you get your husband involved in the martyrdom aka hosting exercise? I'd have immediately told my husband that he was cooking the main course. I'd have rung my sil and told her to bring dessert and Easter cake for 12. I'd have asked dm to bring starters and mil to bring the drinks. I'd have taken charge of the Easter egg hunt and be seen as the fun bunny. You really missed a trick there because now you've done it at short notice once, they'll expect it again.

ukborn · 18/04/2022 05:41

An Easter hunt is hardly any bother - takes a few minutes t hide eggs around the place - you could have told your husband to do it.
The food - you could have said at the outset each of you bring a dish or make it clear you are not going to provide any, it seems they'd have been ok with that anyway.
As for cleaning the house - I too wouldn't have anyone over unless it was presentable but again your husband could do his share, and the cleaning up after.
I agree with other posters that you put this pressure on yourself. But also tell your husband that he needs to consult with you before so radically changing the day's plans.

grapewines · 18/04/2022 05:50

You were being a martyr, and now you're moaning about it. YABU.

HairyMuttttt · 18/04/2022 05:54

Personally I would have set an Easter egg hunt up and asked DH to give the house a quick whip round cleaning wize (he invited everyone after all). I’d have set up a WhatsApp group with all the adults attending and asked what the plans were for food. Might have suggested they coordinate a bbq? Told them you’d got the eggs and can coordinate the egg hunt and provide a salad.

Wiredforsound · 18/04/2022 05:54

Why on earth would you do that? There was absolutely no need for it.

SunshineCake1 · 18/04/2022 06:02

I some posters are being rather ridiculous.

The uninvited guests might have said don't do anything but many people would have found it impossible to not feed guests and sort out fun and eggs for the children.

fffffeeeedddduupp · 18/04/2022 06:03

The problem is it's not as simple as if you don't want to do it don't. I wouldn't want family turning up and my house looking a state. If it's Easter Sunday and there's loads of kids then not organising an activity seems mean and yes if people are coming for day they need to be fed.

The thing is dh arranged this he could have tidied, sorted egg hunt and cooked.

If it happens again stand your ground and do nothing and if people ask about food/activity just say "dh is on charge today "

Havehope21 · 18/04/2022 06:04

I agree with @ZenNudist about Easter being a special occasion. I don't think you ABU at all - you felt you were doing the right thing for the DCs and being a good host. I think SIL is a complete CF. She should have hosted herself if her original intensions really were so low-key and easy - I think she probably guessed you would go to the effort you did, therefore giving her a stress-free (and financially free) Easter. Sorry you were dumped on like that on Easter Sunday.

Thehundredthnamechange · 18/04/2022 06:07

I voted YABU for being a martyr. Either put your foot down and say no or let them come but don't make them a meal, don't host at all. Simple. let them see the consequences of their actions. I might even go out and leave them to it. If you're a martyr what point are you proving? That they can overstep boundaries and you'll provide them with a lovely day?

MarshmallowSwede · 18/04/2022 06:18

I would have left it all for my husband to organize. Men volunteer up hosting and then expect their wives to cook, clean and organize. That’s really your fault for being the pushover and doing it.

I would have sat back and asked my husband what he planned. If he volunteered to host then it’s up to him to cook, clean and organize a meal and Easter egg hunt.

Next year let him do everything OP if he offers to host.

speakout · 18/04/2022 06:29

OH and SIL should have organised things between them, I would have stepped back and allowed it.

WirlyWillowtree · 18/04/2022 06:31

I’m with you OP. If you’d done nothing you’d have been slated lazy.

Next year I’d be sure to make everyone aware it’s not your turn well before the date. The opposite of my mother who wants everyone at her summer bbq, date is always announced New Year’s Day, and woe betide anyone who book a holiday on that date. 🤣🤣🤣

AchillesPoirot · 18/04/2022 06:31

@speakout

OH and SIL should have organised things between them, I would have stepped back and allowed it.

This. His bright idea - he and your SIL can sort it between them

speakout · 18/04/2022 06:34

My OH enjoys hosting his family.

My job is to sip wine and smile.

icecreamcart · 18/04/2022 06:36

Nope

Oatsandstuff · 18/04/2022 06:37

Goodness I bet you were in a terrible grump all day and cast a shadow over proceedings.
You really could have said… ok all chip in and pizza delivery. And then get someone else to do a simple fun hunt

Bu you chose to be a grumpy Martyr instead

Muppetlove · 18/04/2022 06:39

So much easier said than done to just not do anything. Now is the time you need to tell your husband and sil you won't be doing that again and next time stick to your word and show them they can't treat you like a mug.

I would be particularly angry at your husband and make sure he realises the onus will be on him next time. If he takes advantage of your nature normally now is the time to stop that too

Pipsquiggle · 18/04/2022 06:43

We had a family get together yesterday. 11 people - 5 children. It was a very casual, beige buffet - pizza, sausage rolls, salad. Everything was shop bought so no one had to do a lot of work. We did do an Easter egg hunt and that was not a lot of effort.

Sounds like you decided to not take the easy option

Butchyrestingface · 18/04/2022 06:54

no-one had organized an easter egg hunt for the kids

Never had an Easter egg hunt in my life. I don't feel deprived. Probably wouldn't have thanked you in any case for any bloody hunt that delayed the one thing I actually wanted to do - eat the chocolate!

My thought is if you bring over 8 people to my house including kids, with no plan for food or activities, on Easter sunday, that means I'm throwing Easter dinner whether or not I asked for it.

Bollocks. You CHOSE to martyr yourself. Your husband clearly didn't think him inviting 8 people over with no plans on Easter Sunday meant HE should cook. Pizza would have been fine.

Now your SiL and relatives know that no matter what they say about no need to make an effort, you will ignore them, do your own thing and then resent them for it afterwards.

Know for next time.