SIL and husband inform me with 48 hours notice that I'm hosting Easter

[DocMommy]

Am I being unreasonable?

The original plan was for my sister's family and my mother to do their thing at their home, and my family to do ours. Good Friday I learn that my sister's family was "wanting to get the kids together" and that my husband offered for them all to come to my house. Of course that meant my mother too, and then (day of) my in-laws...

While this all was billed to me as "totally casual" "don't do anything" no-one else had organized anything before this get together (ie it's not as if everyone were coming back to my house after a brunch, no-one had organized an easter egg hunt for the kids, etc). So I of course found myself throwing together a meal for 12 people, who otherwise wouldn't have eaten, setting up an easter egg hunt, cleaning the house, etc A far cry from the original small family brunch and time to work on the yard afterward, that we had originally planned.

I was put out by this and afterward ended up in heated discussions with both my SIL and husband. They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary ... I guess they had planned to try to find pizza for the kids? My thought is if you bring over 8 people to my house including kids, with no plan for food or activities, on Easter sunday, that means I'm throwing Easter dinner whether or not I asked for it.

I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts and TIA!

I feel your pain. My in-laws did this one year. At the time we had toddlers, Normal job precious leave and a huge amount of DIY.
Something casual, involved 'arent you having a roast' no because the meant loosing diy time. Tiny lasagna no good for four extra adults plus eggs and housework for a bunch of teachers who have cleaners, gardeners, window cleaners etc. Obviously DH grew up in this environment so casual is easy but we don't have the staff or the money to throw at 'casual'.

But it wasn't totally spontaneous, she had nearly 48 hours notice

Oh a whole 48 hours' notice! What luxury!

Your husband invited them therefore he agreed to host. If mine had done that he'd also have arranged the catering (though possibly not how I would have done). We wouldn't have arranged an Easter egg hunt though because that's not a tradition we have.

YANBU - your DH shouldn't have offered your home, and time, without discussing it with you first.

YABU - you didn't have to do all the cleaning, food and activities by yourself.

SIL and your DH should've organised the food and Easter egg hunt themselves. I would probably have made this clear to them though - rather than have a day without food and activities, if they are feckless.

I've just come home from my mum complaining at my dad all Sunday because he isn't helping her with the hosting, whilst my sister tried to get her to sit down for five minutes with her grandsons and play with them.

Thing is, we all muddled about making tea and toast and snacks when we wanted them. The Easter Egg Hunt was shoving 25 eggs around the garden, telling the kids there were 30, then letting them have at it.

There's no need to go to mega effort, it's actually more relaxing for everyone to go to little efforts when they fancy.

Thing is, we all muddled about making tea and toast and snacks when we wanted them. The Easter Egg Hunt was shoving 25 eggs around the garden, telling the kids there were 30, then letting them have at it.

I’m torn between whether that is mean or ingenious! 🤣

If this happens again, I'd be tempted to make myself a sandwich so I'm not hungry and go out and tidy the yard as planned. If not, ask them to bring over whatever they'd got in for their meal at that time and mix if together!

@VyeBrator

You're a mug.

You weren't forced into allowing them all over last minute and you certainly weren't forced into doing all the cooking and setting up the egg hunt etc.

But you chose to and now you're moaning about it, so I'm with them on this.

This is the only explanation. No one forced you?? You wanted to be a martyr so you ended up with all the work! What's wrong with one day of pizzas and chocolates? Everyone could have chipped in and contributed. Next time use your words.

Why didn't you get the takeaway menus out and get a Chinese or Indian or pizza????

You weren't being forced to cook for 12.

Especially at such short notice you weren't being forced to cook.

I'd have made sure that I had plenty of bread, tea, coffee, milk, sugar and soft drinks in but that's it. They should have opened their wallets and paid for a takeaway!

They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary

They are right though. You could have ordered take out and there is no need for an Easter egg hunt.

@KatherineJaneway

They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary

They are right though. You could have ordered take out and there is no need for an Easter egg hunt.

But she might have planned an egg hunt and a nice brunch with her own kids- was she expected to exclude the other kids present?

The Easter Egg Hunt was shoving 25 eggs around the garden, telling the kids there were 30, then letting them have at it

Absolutely genius thinking!!!! Brilliant

There are those of us who would never invite people round on a casual basis, because our partner can't do casual basis.

"It's not a big deal - I'll buy a few bottles of wine, and we'll send out for pizza. The cleaning lady was in yesterday, so that's all sorted. Just let it happen..."

"We can't give people delivered pizza! Okay, I'll go out and get stuff for a barbecue. You'll have to get all the tables and chairs out of the garage. Oh, it's your sister's birthday Tuesday - I'll make a cake. Oh, my God! The bathroom tiles! I'll have to replace that cracked one. Is Jackie coming? Christ, what do veggies eat at barbecues? I'll google it. What time is it now? You're on salads - we'll need a choice of four. No, no - if I pull an all-nighter I can make this work. I wish you'd told me about this a week ago..."

Me, I can't face that. So I never ask people round.

V. Unfair on you. We have just hosted MIL and had similar comments thrown at me. I made DH sit down go through meal by meal what would feed her. Hopeful I won't be told not to bother next time.

I’m with you OP. If you’d done nothing you’d have been slated lazy.

Which is why I repeated bang on about the word 'lazy' on here. You have to not care. Lazy people innovate and they don't burn out. But you have to style it out and not care.

@MrsTerryPratchett

I’m with you OP. If you’d done nothing you’d have been slated lazy.

Which is why I repeated bang on about the word 'lazy' on here. You have to not care. Lazy people innovate and they don't burn out. But you have to style it out and not care.

There's a bit in the sunscreen song that goes as follows:

'Remember the compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.'

It's easier said than done, not caring.

You have to practise.

But she might have planned an egg hunt and a nice brunch with her own kids- was she expected to exclude the other kids present?

She could have extended the Easter egg hunt or called it off. I hate last minute plans but sometimes you must adapt.

@KatherineJaneway

But she might have planned an egg hunt and a nice brunch with her own kids- was she expected to exclude the other kids present?

She could have extended the Easter egg hunt or called it off. I hate last minute plans but sometimes you must adapt.

Why must she adapt though? Why can't her DH just check with her before unilaterally altering plans?

Why must she adapt though? Why can't her DH just check with her before unilaterally altering plans?

As I said, sometimes plans change and you don't get to be part of them. Not great but on occasions you deal with it. I would have enjoyed a massive Chinese takeaway billed to DH's credit card. Extra prawns too.

We do tend to bring things on ourselves. One Christmas I was alone in the kitchen totally stressed out while everyone else was in front of the TV having a jolly good time. I finally blew my top and asked DH why he thought this was okay. His reply? "I thought that if you needed help you'd have asked for it." So now I ask. And he's never failed me yet.

The OP should learn to speak up and not be put upon. We should be past the 'little woman' stage now.

@KatherineJaneway

Why must she adapt though? Why can't her DH just check with her before unilaterally altering plans?

As I said, sometimes plans change and you don't get to be part of them. Not great but on occasions you deal with it. I would have enjoyed a massive Chinese takeaway billed to DH's credit card. Extra prawns too.

I disagree. And charging a load of money to your DH's credit card doesn't offer any solace, does it, since it's all joint money anyway?

Presuming your DH lives with you then he should have sorted lunch/tidying. Pizza sounds a good plan. OP you sound like a martyr. Very little sympathy for women like this.

Your husband suggested it. It was his job.

Why martyr yourself? They shouldn't have imposed like that and your husband shouldn't have said yes without consultation. However, you chose to go the full hog.