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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL and husband inform me with 48 hours notice that I'm hosting Easter

177 replies

DocMommy · 18/04/2022 00:14

Am I being unreasonable?

The original plan was for my sister's family and my mother to do their thing at their home, and my family to do ours. Good Friday I learn that my sister's family was "wanting to get the kids together" and that my husband offered for them all to come to my house. Of course that meant my mother too, and then (day of) my in-laws...

While this all was billed to me as "totally casual" "don't do anything" no-one else had organized anything before this get together (ie it's not as if everyone were coming back to my house after a brunch, no-one had organized an easter egg hunt for the kids, etc). So I of course found myself throwing together a meal for 12 people, who otherwise wouldn't have eaten, setting up an easter egg hunt, cleaning the house, etc A far cry from the original small family brunch and time to work on the yard afterward, that we had originally planned.

I was put out by this and afterward ended up in heated discussions with both my SIL and husband. They are trying to tell me that all my work was of my choosing and unnecessary ... I guess they had planned to try to find pizza for the kids? My thought is if you bring over 8 people to my house including kids, with no plan for food or activities, on Easter sunday, that means I'm throwing Easter dinner whether or not I asked for it.

I'm really interested in hearing your thoughts and TIA!

OP posts:
WalkingOnTheCracks · 19/04/2022 13:33

@A580Hojas

Pmsl at the number of posters who would joyfully taken it all in their stride. Liars.

...this happens a lot here. "I am unarguably in the right, and everyone knows it, therefore anyone who says anything different must be lying."

A catastrophic failure of emotional intelligence.

BronwenFrideswide · 19/04/2022 13:44

You could have just said 'No' OP or as your husband had agreed to it tell him it was down to him to host, fact is he knew that you would do what you did, he was counting on it and you proved him right.

Next time don't be such a pushover.

Dagnabit · 19/04/2022 18:30

Nope, yabu. No need to be the martyr! If your dh and sil decided to do this then you should have left everything to them. No way would I be cleaning the entire house by myself, organising an Easter egg hunt and throwing together lunch while my dh sat on his arse. Fuck that.

Fwaltz · 19/04/2022 18:35

In your position, I would have felt compelled to pull a nice meal and activities out of the bag too, and I would have been furious about it. If people come to my house I don’t want it to be seen as unkempt, or feel like I have nothing to offer them, so you do have get it organised. Your husband probably knows this about you and not so secretly will have expected you to get it all done. Well done for pulling it together, and hopefully next time they won’t spring it on you.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/04/2022 18:50

My DP invited his whole family over yesterday. It was lovely. I did not lift a finger with the arrangements, pre-arrival clean or the main meal because he was the host. He cooked a beautiful meal and "hosted", |I made a really easy dessert that went down a storm and took all the credit. I am an anti-martyr!

Seriously though he or she that invites is the host / hostess. Why did you feel the need to take over all that hard work? I bet if there had been no food and you'd said to your SiL "well your brother invited you so I assumed he would do all the prep" she'd have said "I hear you sister!" and all would have been well.

linsey2581 · 19/04/2022 19:22

What’s an Easter dinner ???

JMR185 · 19/04/2022 19:24

I would have been irritated for sure and I don't think you're being at all unreasonable. Hosting can be a lot of work even if you aren't expected to cook.

gamerchick · 19/04/2022 19:24

Lamb.

pinkpantherpink · 19/04/2022 19:31

Next time do nothing. See what happens x

Be sure to pack yourself lunch and hide it upstairs x

Justdontdoit · 19/04/2022 19:31

I voted YANBU based on the fact that your weekend plans were changed by no choice of your own. Everyone is saying that you didn’t need to prepare anything and to this alone I somewhat agree with (even though I don’t think I would have done anything different). But the OP didn’t plan on having a house load and whilst people are saying she comes across as controlling; clearly not controlling enough to be able to reject her husbands plan of ‘entertaining’ the family. I would have been peeved off solely because I would have had to clean the house to the standard for having guests over. Some days my house is guest ready and other days it is not (purely because I might have had a busy week) and if I didn’t feel up to whizzing around the house like a Tasmanian Devil getting it sparkling, this alone would have gotten my back up. I mean (as an example) I can deal with a couple of splash marks on my bathroom mirror during the week, but there’s no way someone would come to my house and see it that way. Yes, her DH could have helped but its likely he wouldn’t have even seen an issue with the things that the OP did. Shame is subjective! However, what I have told myself over the years is that if I can’t do something with Grace then I should say no; as I ruin my good intentions with bad feeling. I think this is what has happened here and you are now upset that there is no show of appreciation for your put out. I think if gratitude was shown by all parties you wouldn’t feel how you feel now, that’s just a guess. I hope you did manage to enjoy your Easter somewhat and that the weather is nice enough this weekend for you to get your garden sorted Flowers

Unsubscribed · 19/04/2022 19:32

YANBU well and truly hijacked. SIL saying 'don't go to any trouble we'll have pizza' in the sure and certain knowledge that OP would cook a dinner Grin

2bazookas · 19/04/2022 19:41

I'd have poured myself a glass of wine and left it ALL to DH , who invited them.

LizzoBennett · 19/04/2022 19:55

Definitely a mug.

twilightcafe · 19/04/2022 20:08

YABU. You should have put your foot down and said NO.

BoredZelda · 19/04/2022 22:43

But had you done nothing, I have the sneaking suspicion they would’ve been put out that they didn’t have an Easter dinner or egg hunt for the kiddies.

There is absolutely no suggestion that this would be the case. I wouldn’t have expected anyone to do this if I was going to their house at easter.

BoredZelda · 19/04/2022 22:46

If people come to my house I don’t want it to be seen as unkempt, or feel like I have nothing to offer them, so you do have get it organised.

That’s your issue though. I always clean before we have guests. Most of them wouldn’t care.

Spudburger · 19/04/2022 22:51

Yanbu. Its Easter. If you're planning on a nice meal you can't ignore guests or activity needs of their children. DH needs a conversation, however.

VyeBrator · 19/04/2022 22:56

@Spudburger

Yanbu. Its Easter. If you're planning on a nice meal you can't ignore guests or activity needs of their children. DH needs a conversation, however.
The OP wasn't planning a nice meal and if her SIL had 'activity needs' for her children, I'm sure she could've sorted them herself.
KatherineJaneway · 20/04/2022 06:01

I disagree. And charging a load of money to your DH's credit card doesn't offer any solace, does it, since it's all joint money anyway?

It is not always joint money according to countless MN threads

Sceptre86 · 20/04/2022 07:20

I agree with you op and would have been mighty pissed off. I would have cleaned up because I would like my house to be clean when people come over and for me that means getting rid of lots of clutter downstairs. I also wouldn't have more than likely arranged something for the kids. However if a takeaway was open I would have told my dh that either he cooked and fed them all or that he paid for the takeaway. Next time tour sister or sil want to get the kids altogether they can do it at their own home, especially if you already have plans. Yanbu.

Butchyrestingface · 20/04/2022 07:42

OP was so interested to know what everyone thought she never came back to her own thread. 🙄

Btw, is it just me, or can anyone else no longer access 'View entire thread' on this new layout?

Stilsmiling · 20/04/2022 11:21

This is where expectations don’t match and communication is key.
Maybe your OH and SIL didn’t expect what you provided?

If your oh said it was very casual and you wanted to know what was planned for dinner or any activities then it would have been useful to clarify that beforehand. If he was planning on getting pizza then saying “so you are sorting pizza then?” would have sorted dinner and taken that stress away from you.

Also asking about any activities for the kids would have allowed you to suggest what they would enjoy.

Your expectations for what Easter should look like might not be the same as others and that’s ok. If they didn’t expect what you provided then it’s nobody’s fault, it’s just failed communication.

rookiemere · 20/04/2022 11:26

It's kind of sad that in the UK for the previous 2 years big family gatherings were banned, now they are allowed but rather than celebrating that the focus is on making sure there are no water marks on the mirrors and providing a gourmet meal, rather than celebrating being together.

We have a large number of friends coming in June. For various reasons I was getting somewhat anxious about cleaning the house and the catering. Last night I took the decision to buy in an Indian banquet instead from a restaurant to reduce the stress on me and allow me to spend enjoyable time with my friends.

I get wife work etc. etc. but there is a way people can come without it requiring monstrous effort.

maddy68 · 20/04/2022 12:00

Not seeing the issue really. Your DH invited them. Just get takeaway pizza ? It's about being together

10HailMarys · 20/04/2022 12:47

I would be pissed off if anyone announced with no consultation that we were going to be hosting 12 people with 48 hours' notice, but...

a) Since when was an Easter egg hunt compulsory?! It's a nice activity but presumably the kids had already been given their Easter eggs first thing in the morning from their parents the Easter Bunny before they came to you?
b) You could totally have just ordered pizza or a takeaway or whatever. Would have been fine.
c) Your husband invited them so why didn't you ask him to make any necessary arrangements?