Not bothering with summer holidays- ungrateful kids?

[Tethersend01]

We have two Kids ages 12 and 15.
To set the scene Myself and DH had horrible childhoods (poverty, abuse etc) and have worked hard in every way to ensure our kids lives are a world away from our own experiences
We have always made an effort with Summer holidays, mainly holidays in the UK ( hotels since they have been older and things like Centreparcs) also driven abroad, France, Eurodisney etc.
I have a huge fear of flying (flew a lot when I was younger) due to two horrific experiences and I have no interest in ‘getting over’ this.
It’s literally the only thing I’m not prepared to do holiday wise.
Now, I will say at this point, holidays are not something I particularly enjoy, they are not relaxing for me and even the fully catered ones are rather stressful overall.
Anyhow, both boys now want to go abroad but only on a plane.
One wants to go to the USA the other wants to go to skiing (we don’t ski).
I suggested a cruise on one of theuxuryvfamily cruise liners one where you stop off at lots of places but they are both refusing to even consider that. They are refusing a UK holiday or to drive to the continent.
I’m at a loss and seriously fed up.
I’m being made the scapegoat as they are blaming my lack of flying and as time goes on its less and less likely we will be anle to book anything at all.
AIBU not to bother this year?

I dislike holidays too, OP. My parents were obsessed with a large blowout foreign holiday every year. Everything on credit, of course. Even releasing equity to go to Florida at one point. Every day was a countdown to the holiday, looking at brochures for the next holiday. Everyday life was neglected for the other 50 weeks of the year. Awful.
Still, that's just my rather extreme experience. Your teens are probably subject to the usual comparisons going on at school, and it can be hard. I have sympathy for that, but I think you just need to put your foot down.

I grew up with a DF who would y flu. I hated not being able to fly abroad like my friends. However times have changed now and we have the planet to think about so suggest you remind the kids of this.

I hate the idea of a cruise because I’m scared of boats and the idea of being on a boat feels me with dread.

I don’t think your kids are ungrateful tbh. They’re the way they are because of your parenting! They’ve got expectations and haven’t experienced poverty and are teenagers ffs.

YABU, I'd be so fed up if my Mum was too scared of planes to fly at all - so soooo many destinations you miss out on.

I find it really unpleasant when posters describe their children as ‘ungrateful’ for the material things they provide. It’s like they’re failing to uphold their end of a contract that they never signed. It’s a tall order to give your children all the trappings of a wealthy middle class lifestyle but then expect them to be cheerfully ‘grateful’ about never being able to fly for a family holiday. I also note that you seem to believe you’ve provided large trust funds for your children through ‘graft’ on your part - that’s simply not the case, otherwise the children of all grafters would have trust funds. You’re discounting what must have been pretty significant good fortune on your part somewhere along the way, so perhaps the ingratitude you see in your kids is in fact a learned behaviour

^this articulates what I think!

I'm sorry OP, but I've done driving holidays and flown. Driving is crap, it's long, it's boring, it's often in hot weather. You also lose so much holiday time. Almost 24 hours to drive to the south of France when you factor in stops and ferry or less than 2 hours on a plane?
You say it's a fear, most decent parents try and conquer their fears so it doesn't affect their children. Memories when little is much more precious than money in the future.

@SafelySoftly

I grew up with a DF who would y flu. I hated not being able to fly abroad like my friends. However times have changed now and we have the planet to think about so suggest you remind the kids of this.

I suspect it is because of their friends that they want to fly abroad on holiday. Very few kids will argue with their friends that they are not flying because they are saving the planet.

As already mention the summer isn't the time to go skiing. Is having a family holiday with you in the summer, but arranging a skiing trip just with their father next winter an option?

i wouldnt enjoy a cruise
how claustrophic

how about a road trip, you can take a ferry to spain drive to portugal or ferry to france and drive all over europe

Find some lovely holidays abroad and show them the areas etc in detail. It may tempt them to go with dad, maybe a snorkelling holiday, or skiing, something boyish? Then you can have a relaxing time at home.

You don't owe them a holiday.

Your kids are ungrateful and I can’t believe posters on here saying you’re a martyr because you won’t fly to New York with your kids.

[quote Chantinge]@Tethersend01

With kindness, it sounds like you have worked very hard to ensure their future, but you also need to make sure you don’t hold that over their heads.
They are allowed to have their own wants and desires, and express those.[/quote]
I agree with this.

We also have a mother that doesn’t fly, we had a Spain or France holiday every year though to a villa and we loved the drive down as we did it over 2/3 days and stopped off on the way in hotels etc. However it was LONG and it’s not for everyone. I wouldn’t do it now to my own DD.

If you have friends overseas, could your DC travelto visit them without you?

Think of climate change, use that as your excuse, take a train trip

Why are these two boys insisting that their mother comes on holiday? It's an odd thing to insist, considering it's two boys aged 12 and 15. Most adolescent boys would love an all-guys holiday with their dad.

Are they very young for their ages, or are they hoping Mum will come because they want some kind of catering-type trip and think she can relied upon to do all the food prep and general dogsbodying?

What a ridiculous statement, I've got 3 boys similar ages and they'd hate to go on holiday without me because I'm their mum and they love me and want me there.

@Tethersend01

It wouldn’t bother me if I never went on holiday again. I have everything I need at home (including lots of animals to care for!) I think we can still have a nice time without flying.

Are you children a little bit spoilt? Get yourself away for the weekend for a Spa or something.

I'm not a huge fan of UK holidays either. However I'm a paying adult so it's my choice either way! Your reasons are valid.

Just leave it at that you have suggested options sort yourself a break out OP!

@Ohilovetorave

Why are these two boys insisting that their mother comes on holiday? It's an odd thing to insist, considering it's two boys aged 12 and 15. Most adolescent boys would love an all-guys holiday with their dad.

Are they very young for their ages, or are they hoping Mum will come because they want some kind of catering-type trip and think she can relied upon to do all the food prep and general dogsbodying?

What a ridiculous statement, I've got 3 boys similar ages and they'd hate to go on holiday without me because I'm their mum and they love me and want me there.

I agree with the poster it's not necessary for OP to come she has free will. OP kids seem to want everything their own way.

I would happily let my DS go away with his dad for a week or 2 it's not compulsory I should want to come along. I can find my own things to do outside of being a mother.

OP I know it's tough and teens are challenging at times but it is really worth remembering that your teens have an utterly different normality & experience of the world than you & your dh, thanks to your joint hard work to ensure that.

They cannot really understand what your childhoods were like because it's beyond their grasp both due to their age & lived experience.

They presumably mix in circles where their peers fly off to various locations on a regular basis & they see this as entirely normal in their world. And wonder why they're not doing likewise.

I think it's a huge pity that you can't overcome your fear / phobia/PTSD as you have had the pleasure travelling brings (you say you travelled the world from 19?) And your dc are interested in having these experiences

But even more than that I think it's a huge pity that you don't enjoy holidays with your family & find them stressful. My mother was like this & honestly speaking even though we went abroad on highly organised package holidays every few years & we all got on with it her behaviour ruined all holidays.

She huffed & puffed & was impatient & cranky & super panicky about everything. It was infectious & holidays were never ever fun. AND we HAD to be grateful for it.

I can remember sitting by the pool as as 13 / 14 year old & watching all these families relaxed & laughing & having what seemed like so much fun & our family was nothing like that. My mother lack of enthusiasm & fear held us all back. Every single holiday she made herself ill with stress & we'd spend hours listening to her ailments or unable to go from the resort as she had to be near a toilet or we'd traipse around looking for pharmacies...

I swore I would never be like that once I was old enough to travel on my own & I'm not
I've travelled the world including China on my own etc & since having dc have travelled extensively with then since they were tiny

We now have teens & relish having breaks away with them as it's a time to really reconnect & chat & explore & have time together. We do shorter breaks of 3-5 days now as they also like to get back to their pals & it means we do more of them than 1 longer holiday.

We have an almost 17 year old & we're really conscious that our days of family trips are relatively numbered so we're making the most of it

I LOVE when they say stuff like oh let's go to Paris or new york next....not because we can always afford to do what they suggest but because it shows how they feel it's all possible for them & that they enjoy doing it with us. In those instances we have long chats about why they'd like to visit xxx or yyy & what we'd do there etc

And lots of times we don't go to the place they suggested but somewhere else entirely.

Someone up the thread suggested the op bring her teens to Ann Frank House or Berlin as a punishment to show them how people suffered in the war. As though this would not be a holiday but educational & that did surprise me as all of our trips have an element of seeing/ experiencing something cultural - museum or galleries & we've brought dc to both of these places as part of city breaks in those cities!!

@Hangthetowels

YABU, I'd be so fed up if my Mum was too scared of planes to fly at all - so soooo many destinations you miss out on.

This is a really strange, selfish outlook.

I voted YABU for letting DCs dictate holidays! It’s a shame for the 12yo, I think that’s a nice age to holiday with, but it sounds like no big holiday is the answer. Our 15 and 14 are happy to just do a couple of day trips this summer/meet ups with family and spend the rest of it kicking about with mates, so perhaps this is where your answer could be. If they’ve declined to go on holiday with just their dad, then they don’t really want a holiday, do they?

most decent parents try and conquer their fears so it doesn't affect their children.

This decent parent says she has tried to but cannot overcome her fear.

She has offered the children a compromise to go just with their dad and they don’t want that. So they are depriving themselves.

If they really truly want to spend time with their mum then you would think they’d be happy to be where she could go.

Have you consulted with. GP about your anxiety? They should be able to offer some options that might help in the short and long term.

It's not wrong of the DC to express a preference of holiday destination. No flying IS extremely restrictive for the family.

It's not wrong of them to want their mum to come on holiday with them.

It's not wrong of you you have a fear that makes this tofficult.

Children challenge and extend us in so many ways. Perhaps they could open up a world of new possibilities and lovely experiences for you if you were willing to tackle this problem.

What if one of them marries someone foreign and moves abroad? Would you never go and visit them?

I have personal experience of being in your sons’ position. It is very hard living with someone who suffers from a phobia - and before anyone jumps on me, yes, it is harder in some ways than being the sufferer. The sufferer is able to rationalise and understand the ‘rules’ of the phobia in a way that those close to them are not. Phobias are treatable, although the treatment process is difficult and can be very painful. Treatment will only work if the sufferer’s motivation is completely intrinsic, and pp who suggest that OP should just seek treatment for the sake of her sons have misunderstood how this works. OP has absolutely no wish to undergo treatment and this is reasonable. Sadly it is also painful for the child to realise that they alone are not enough for the sufferer to seek treatment and it is understandable that they may feel resentful.

I don’t think any of you are being unreasonable. This is a situation where compromise is clearly impossible. I’m of the view that it would benefit you all if you could be as open as possible about your phobia with the children and willing to answer their questions to help them to understand. I also understand that this might be painful for you.

a friend was wanting to marry abroad but her own dm could not fly due to fear of flying.

they went relented and married at home but even as an adult she was upset about her dm

however if op's case, her dc can go abroad themselves in a few years

we could only afford to go abroad once when dc were young.
so i have experience in saying No