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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not bothering with summer holidays- ungrateful kids?

263 replies

Tethersend01 · 17/04/2022 21:15

We have two Kids ages 12 and 15.
To set the scene Myself and DH had horrible childhoods (poverty, abuse etc) and have worked hard in every way to ensure our kids lives are a world away from our own experiences
We have always made an effort with Summer holidays, mainly holidays in the UK ( hotels since they have been older and things like Centreparcs) also driven abroad, France, Eurodisney etc.
I have a huge fear of flying (flew a lot when I was younger) due to two horrific experiences and I have no interest in ‘getting over’ this.
It’s literally the only thing I’m not prepared to do holiday wise.
Now, I will say at this point, holidays are not something I particularly enjoy, they are not relaxing for me and even the fully catered ones are rather stressful overall.
Anyhow, both boys now want to go abroad but only on a plane.
One wants to go to the USA the other wants to go to skiing (we don’t ski).
I suggested a cruise on one of theuxuryvfamily cruise liners one where you stop off at lots of places but they are both refusing to even consider that. They are refusing a UK holiday or to drive to the continent.
I’m at a loss and seriously fed up.
I’m being made the scapegoat as they are blaming my lack of flying and as time goes on its less and less likely we will be anle to book anything at all.
AIBU not to bother this year?

OP posts:
needmorethanthis · 17/04/2022 23:45

Won’t they do Eurostar and Disneyland Paris? Nobody needs more than that at their age.

Cameleongirl · 17/04/2022 23:51

I agree with PP’s that your boys have hit the lack-of-empathy teenage phase. You’ve offered them various options, including flying somewhere with their Dad, and they don’t want to do it, so just leave it. You don’t NEED to have a family holiday his summer.

My two (17 and nearly 14) haven’t been on a week-plus holiday since summer 2019, we’ve just had local mini-breaks during the pandemic. We’ve got a couple of ideas for a family holiday this summer, but if they don’t want to go, that’s fine, we’ll keep the money instead! I didn’t go on holiday with my parents from 14 to 18, I went away camping and later interrailing with friends. Then my parents offered to pay my airfare for a special holiday when I was 19 and I was grateful to accept. After a year of student life, my attitude to parent-funded holidays had changed .🤣

Peachy7 · 17/04/2022 23:51

When the boys can afford their own holidays they can choose where they go, until then they are children and it's your choice, they sound really ungrateful,I would take them nowhere at all. Over compensating for what you didn't have it's just as bad as not having anything. I grew up in a poor household, I can count on 1 hand the account of holidays I went on, and they were all in the UK. I understood my parents couldn't afford it & I'm an only child, yet never felt I missed out & have never resented them for it.

Angie1403 · 17/04/2022 23:53

Kids that age are pretty much sociopaths in their lack of empathy and hubris. That doesn’t imbue them with any rights to dictate to you though. So they either fly on hols with Dad or they do another driving/ferry holiday with you both. I wouldn’t take them anywhere this year as a point of principle. Some might think that too harsh a lesson but holidays are a privilege; no kids are harmed for lack of a holiday!

Twitterwhooooo · 17/04/2022 23:53

I would leave it for week or so while you and dh come up with some tangible options eg this villa in this place in France, this cottage in Devon and some options that your dh would be happy to fly with them to.

This means that the adults set the parameters of the discussion.

Then sit down with them and decide. One option is no-one going away at all of course.

I'd also point out that if someone else in the family had a particular need eg insect phobia, fear of heights, those would be accommodated in holiday plans.

TeaKlaxon · 17/04/2022 23:56

Re the fear of flying - of course it’s entirely up to you whether you have any interest in overcoming it. But what are you going to do if one of DC moves abroad? Never visit? Never see the life they build in another country?

My DPs live in a different country than me and have never visited me. It is always me having to visit them - but as our lives evolve and partners and DCs come into the mix, they are missing out on more and more of my life by refusing to visit.

More practically, there are lots of places in Europe, including skiing destinations, that you can get to by train from the UK. Eurostar to Paris/Calais/Lille/Brussels and then a few more hours on a train and you can be almost anywhere in Western Europe.

mycatisannoying · 17/04/2022 23:58

YABU, sorry. I get that you're a homebody and don't like flying, but it's weird to have such a negative, stressy approach to holidays in general.

user1477391263 · 18/04/2022 00:06

Why are these two boys insisting that their mother comes on holiday? It's an odd thing to insist, considering it's two boys aged 12 and 15. Most adolescent boys would love an all-guys holiday with their dad.

Are they very young for their ages, or are they hoping Mum will come because they want some kind of catering-type trip and think she can relied upon to do all the food prep and general dogsbodying?

OP, just make it clear to them they they are going without you. Stay at home with your house and pets. I don't understand why you don't seem to like holidays, but it's no skin off their nose.

Cameleongirl · 18/04/2022 00:08

@TeaKlaxon. Yep, it can definitely happen. My PIL haven’t visited DH’s older brother since he moved to his wife’s home country 12 years ago My FIL isn’t phobic about flying , he just doesn’t want to do it anymore ( he heard to). As DH’s brother has limited funds for travel ( salaries in that country aren’t especially high), they haven’t seen them since 2015!

ZoyaTheDestroyer · 18/04/2022 00:09

It’s impossible to say whether anyone here IBU without knowing what information the children have about your phobia, and how it was presented to them. Do they know that it is a deep, true phobia? Do they have an age-appropriate understanding of the traumatic incidents? Do they know that you have attempted treatment? Are they allowed to ask questions or do you shut them down?

My brother has a severe phobia of all enclosed spaces, including planes. He has attempted CBT but he is very honest about the fact that, like OP, he does not have the deep intrinsic motivation to address the phobia for his own reasons. You cannot cure a phobia for other people. We are taking my niece, his daughter, on holiday with us this summer at his request. Perhaps consider paying for them to join a friend or extended family member on their holiday.

Cameleongirl · 18/04/2022 00:10

*he used to

Jewel52 · 18/04/2022 00:32

Honestly, you’re coming across as a martyr and your posts are designed to illicit sympathy and portray your children as selfish brats with no sympathy for your awful life. Isn’t it equally selfish to make clear to your kids that a holiday is a chore. Why can’t you get help for your fear of flying? I didn’t have a great childhood but I don’t think that’s my kids burden to carry. But I don’t think that’s what you want to hear - you want affirmation that the family holiday should be dictated by your wishes and anything else is callousness

Calandor · 18/04/2022 00:34

I would have understood them wanting to fly somewhere... but not if they say only if you will fly. That's not fair.

They have their wants and so do you. It's a good lesson about compromise and empathy to not take them anywhere. They can fly with dad or they can do something non plane requiring with you.

Compromise, empathy, desire management.

Calandor · 18/04/2022 00:35

@Jewel52

Honestly, you’re coming across as a martyr and your posts are designed to illicit sympathy and portray your children as selfish brats with no sympathy for your awful life. Isn’t it equally selfish to make clear to your kids that a holiday is a chore. Why can’t you get help for your fear of flying? I didn’t have a great childhood but I don’t think that’s my kids burden to carry. But I don’t think that’s what you want to hear - you want affirmation that the family holiday should be dictated by your wishes and anything else is callousness
I disagree. They have TRUSTS, free uni, free homes... OP really has given them everything bar a flight on a plane. And she's said they can do that without her.

Good God she's given them almost everything!

HollowTalk · 18/04/2022 00:37

@Tethersend01

Bigfatliar thank you. For context, we prioritise our children hugely and have set up trusts so they can buy their own homes, pay for uni and travel the world when they are older, we came from nothing financially so its all been sheer hard graft. They know this but choose to make me feel truly dreadful that I can’t face flying. Its depressing and makes me a bit angry too. I didn’t fly til i was 19 but still managed to see the world.
Be very careful though. It sounds as though they are quite spoiled and if you are providing them with everything in the future then they really don't have any reason to work hard.
apricotlane · 18/04/2022 01:53

Not sure I would let my children ever dictate where we went on holiday. This is your first problem. They can beg/ask whatever the eff they like, what matters is you are the boss and you have your reasons. You don't have to justify your decisions to them. If it's that big a deal, let them go with your partner for a few days somewhere.

dipdye · 18/04/2022 02:07

Dh takes them to the States or skiing.

You've done your part.

daffodilsareinbloom · 18/04/2022 03:21

@Tethersend01 I read something on burnout & boundaries today and your post reminds me of it. I think sometimes when we've poured and poured into our kids in some ways overdoing it (that's not a criticism at all btw, just an acknowledgement of how much you've done) and then our needs are not considered it really can lead to resentment and anger.

Try to remember 12 is still quite young, the idea of a holiday without Mum may feel too abnormal. If it were me I'd chat to my partner to agree on where to go and then sit down with dc and say you've decided that for summer 2022 the plan is a main holiday with Dad wherever your partner has agreed to go, and a mini break in the UK as a family. No more explanations, just this is what meets everyone's needs. I'd say how nice it was that they wanted you to come on holiday, so this serves both purposes. I wouldn't make it into a debate, keep it a learning opportunity that sometimes people's needs will be conflicting and everyone has to compromise. I'd also reassure them this may not be every summer, but just how things need to be this year.

StrongerOrWeaker · 18/04/2022 03:34

I don't think they sound ungrateful. T hey are just saying they would like to do something different. I personally hate holidays in the UK/ driving to France so can see where they are coming from. I would give them a few alternatives that you are happy with. Absolutely do not compromise on flying.
Eg
Skiing holiday in France (use the Eurostar)
Holiday in Europe where they fly and you drive
Stay at home. The money saved could be used for them traveling when older, or for doing fun things in UK
They go on their own via some sort of holiday camp.

1forAll74 · 18/04/2022 03:49

I would tell them that they can't have a holiday, dictated by them at this age, when you have done your best with holidays in the past.. There will be plenty of time when they are a bit older, to going on planes to different places. There are lots of lovely places to visit in the UK, especially up North, where children can do do stuff, like climb mountains and go kayaking and horse riding along tracks etc, if they are active outdoor types, Moaning children on holidays are a pain, they should appreciate any holidays.

Ilady · 18/04/2022 04:05

I think a lot of teenagers go through a phase of wanting things especially to be the same as friends.
Most families in a good financial position like yours have gone on family flying holidays abroad. They have photos, video clips, stories and family memories from these times.

You told us you have a fear of flying. I am going to be harsh here but it time for you to get help with overcoming this.

Because of this your limiting the places you can go on a family holiday. Due to your children's ages you won't have many more family holidays.

How would you feel in a few years time if your child got a great chance to study abroad. You won't go and see the college, town/area. You miss their graduation.
What happens if they move abroad and tell you a few years later they are getting married their.
You miss their wedding and if they have a family you won't go to see your grandchildren.

I know a lady like you a long time ago but then her son moved to Europe and got a job their. He made friends and met his wife their. He got married their and had child also.
The lady I know got help and ended up enjoying going to visit her son, going to his wedding and seeing her grandkids before her health declined.

Your giving out about your teenaged kids and teenagers can be hard going at time. But they don't want to go on the same holiday as you which I can understand. They said they like to go to the USA or skiing.
I have been to the USA and it a good place to visit. Why not get help re the flying and then you have far more options on where to visit or see both now in the future.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 18/04/2022 04:16

@Branleuse

I think your kids need to be a bit more grateful that they already get a holiday every year. Tell them that when theyre big enough and ugly enough to get good jobs and pay for their own holidays then it will be lovely for them to go on all the fancy longhaul holidays they want, but youve been very clear with what you will and wont consider, so their choices now are like it or lump it. Go with their dad if theyre desperate to fly but you will not be bullied into it by them or anyone
Pretty much this.

YANBU OP.

Tigofigo · 18/04/2022 04:20

They have TRUSTS, free uni, free homes... OP really has given them everything bar a flight on a plane. And she's said they can do that without her.

Good God she's given them almost everything!

I find it really sad (and telling) that you consider "everything" to be purely financial.

Maybe they'd prefer quality time with their mum to a trust fund.

blubberball · 18/04/2022 04:34

You've made your offers to compromise, and you have a boundary that you won't go on a plane, which is fair enough. They need to respect your boundary, and pick one of the options you've given. They'll be able to travel with their mates in a few years, and maybe there'll be some school trips coming up soon.

It sounds like you have a lovely life at home with your animals.

Tigofigo · 18/04/2022 04:39

It is not necessary to give children everything they ask for or want and quite often they don't want what we give them and we sometimes have to live with their disappointment. They are entitled to be disappointed.

100% this. They should be allowed to voice their opinions, their preferences and their feelings. That doesn't mean you have to do what they want.

I am curious why you don't like holidays - maybe it would be helpful for you to unpick that a bit regardless?