Yes I was. I didn’t have a secure attachment as a child. I remember vividly being at playgroup at age 3, seeing the other children play and feeling shame that I didn’t know how to do it. I had had no experience of playing with children my age and didn’t know how to do it. I’d only been exposed to older kids.
Coupled with this, I went to school early as was permitted in those days and therefore had yet more exposure with older children. Then moved, changed schools and effectively went down a year to the age group I was supposed to be in. This move ruined my future. I’d felt secure for the first time in my life in the first school and I went from doing school work to predominantly playing in a reception class. I didn’t know how to do it. By the time we started learning, not playing I had lost focus and I was too busy trying to work out how to be accepted and liked to be able to learn properly.
I never made really good friends, was always the outsider. Felt tolerated and would put up with anything. Felt every sleight. Ironically I was more well liked than I realised. Easy going with others, never made waves or created grief. Still feel this way now. I have a few friends. But I’m definitely not their most important friend. Most could easily do without me.
I made sure dd’s life was so incredibly different - she’s 13. Only child but socialised regularly with her peers from the start, attended nursery and loved without smothering. She is very well liked at school. Gregarious. Easy going. Popular but not in the mean girl sense. In a way, she’s somewhat the child I could have become with a secure attachment.
Dd’s friends are mostly fab with her. They’re also lovely to me, a couple wished me a happy birthday and Mother’s Day, ask after my health and so forth. It’s so nice to see. I just wish I could have this for me too.