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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not giving me a lift ...

279 replies

crunchiebut · 17/04/2022 09:57

Last week it was my friends birthday and I organised a night away.
I paid for everything coach /hotel etc as it was her birthday.
The coach was a early 6 am coach.
I live 5 min (if that ) drive from coach station and a 15 min walk away.
I had to leave the house at 5.30 am to walk there and grab a coffee from greggs.
She got a lift from her husband.

That morning I woke up and it was chucking it down and cold.
I tried to get a taxi but no luck.
I text her saying the time I was leaving and that I couldn't get a taxi.
Her response
"Oh no your gonna get soaked,we are leaving soon,see you there"

Aibu to think she could of easily picked me up?
Literally 3-4 mins from town so would only have added less than 10 mins altogether.
I arrived soaked

OP posts:
Marmite17 · 17/04/2022 13:18

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Changechangychange · 17/04/2022 13:19

I text her saying the time I was leaving and that I couldn't get a taxi.
Her response
"Oh no your gonna get soaked,we are leaving soon,see you there"

Sounds to me like “Oh no, we are leaving soon so we don’t have time to pick you up as well”.

You could try talking to her?

serenghetti2011 · 17/04/2022 13:20

I’d have said we would pick you up but I think being more direct and asking for a lift might have been better. Or booking a taxi in advance. My dad always said it’s only rain we will dry but then he’s a bit of a nob. Your friend clearly didn’t pick up on your hint however you wanted to walk, it rains a lot in this country so unfortunately it’s just one of those things.

Alondra · 17/04/2022 13:22

@OfstedOffred

I hate when people refuse to ask.

Psychologically, there's a difference between someone spontaneously/generously offering, and someone agreeing when asked. I suspect people are subconsciously well aware of it and don't like asking because they want to avoid the sense of owing a favour in return.

One thing is asking a casual friend for a favour, another letting a good friend you are in trouble and having the means to help, don't even bothering to do so. I know for me it came as a shock. I considered her such a good friend I didn't think I had to ask picking us up when we trul needed it. For me good friendship is what's about - you don't need to ask for help when your friends needs you.

The OP's friend is just like so many other shallow friends who don't really care or think about her getting soak instead of truly caring and saying "can I pick you up'?'

Changechangychange · 17/04/2022 13:25

I mean, from her point of view, you have a car, you have a DP (I assume she doesn’t know his shift pattern off by heart), so why would you need a lift?

You could have asked for one the night before and she would probably say yes, but 30 mins before the coach leaves, when she isn’t even ready to leave the house yet herself, I don’t think she was unreasonable to say she didn’t have time to come to get you.

The issue is both of you sending passive aggressive vague texts hinting about lifts, and then neither of you discussing it on the weekend away.

Fadeout83 · 17/04/2022 13:25

@Marmite17 you’re on the wrong thread.

Marmite17 · 17/04/2022 13:26

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LimeSegment · 17/04/2022 13:32

Yabu, arrangements for travel before 6am need to be sorted out the night before at minimum.

Kennykenkencat · 17/04/2022 13:34

@crunchiebut

I didn't want to come out and ask for a lift. It was pretty obvious I wanted a lift as there was no taxis and I said the weathers awful I will get soaked.
The thing is I don’t process things quickly. I always tell people to not hint because of you are expecting me to pick up on your signals I won’t get it till 3 days later and then I feel awful for not responding how I should.

I tell people what I want and hope they do the same except occasionally people think I have got their hint and I haven’t and then bitch about me behind my back.

Next time don’t hint. Ask. Not everyone understands these social etiquette of saying one thing and meaning another

mrziggycoco · 17/04/2022 13:34

Like people who are wealthy, or even those who have never experienced actual poverty, cannot conceive, no frame of reference, what actual poverty is. These are the people who say ‘I'm skint’ meaning they only have a hundred in the bank. If you say ‘I have no money’ they don’t hear NO money, they hear, very little money.

If you're used to having the car perhaps you don’t actual compute walking in the rain, it's alien.

Otherwise your friend is strange. She fully acknowledged you were going to get soaked. How can she think that’s just okay when she can prevent it?
Kind of funny.

Alondra · 17/04/2022 13:36

No wonder good friendships means nothing these days considering some answers. Everyone is out for themselves. Really sad to read

rookiemere · 17/04/2022 13:38

Thing is OP you're the one who booked it, so presumably picked that time to go.
If I were the friend, I like to think I'd have asked you in advance how you were getting there and offered you a lift - although DH might not be pleased at having to get up even earlier.

On the day though, I'm not sure I would have interpreted your text as a request and even if I did, I have a horror of being late so I might have worried about that if I did give you a lift.

What was the rest of the weekend like ?

drpet49 · 17/04/2022 13:39

* No wonder good friendships means nothing these days considering some answers. Everyone is out for themselves. Really sad to read*

^This. I would have offered the OP a lift in the first place. Her friend is a dick.

mrziggycoco · 17/04/2022 13:40

@Kennykenkencat Nah! She said 'oh, you're going to get soaked'

She knew she was going to get soaked. Knew she was leaving soon, in a car, and that picking her up in that car would prevent the soaking.

She had plenty of time to come around whilst driving, oh, let's pick her up!

LaurenKelsey · 17/04/2022 13:40

I have no patience for selfish “friends” like this. She KNEW you needed a ride, of course she did. Don’t be bothered doing anything nice for her in the future.

LadyCordeliaFitzgerald · 17/04/2022 13:43

Can I come at this from a neurodiverse perspective?

This is exactly the kind of situation where I would miss the hint (I have the distractible kind of adhd and I can get stuck in a thinking track) and later be mortified when my brain caught up.

I know that my brain is doing something odd and I’m genuinely curious to understand what’s going on for those who would struggle to come out and just ask upfront? Because from my perspective it’s equally odd.

Why is it so difficult for neurotypical people to be direct/blunt/clear?

I’m not trying to be goady. And I understand that it’s a very neurotypical trait to assume that everyone thinks exactly the same way, hence how you feel hurt in this situation, whether or not there was intention. But I’m still bamboozled by the need to speak indirectly and in code?

WTF475878237NC · 17/04/2022 13:44

I would definitely have offered to come get you.

Alondra · 17/04/2022 13:45

@drpet49

* No wonder good friendships means nothing these days considering some answers. Everyone is out for themselves. Really sad to read*

^This. I would have offered the OP a lift in the first place. Her friend is a dick.

Good for you. At least someone who understand what a good friendship is about.
Whiskeypowers · 17/04/2022 13:47

I would have collected you too
She was thoughtless and selfish

Marynotsocontrary · 17/04/2022 13:49

Maybe she did offer in the first place and was refused, because the OP wanted to call at Greggs?

How do we know?
I think the OP needs to clarify a few points.

HappyDays40 · 17/04/2022 13:50

Maybe she was in a rush and just didn't think. It may not have been intentional. I think you just need to use your words and actually ask, I would have offered as a friend though. May be her partner needed to get somewhere and they didn't have time who knows.

SeasonFinale · 17/04/2022 13:51

But in your original post you told her you were leaving .....

Kennykenkencat · 17/04/2022 13:55

@LadyCordeliaFitzgerald

Can I come at this from a neurodiverse perspective?

This is exactly the kind of situation where I would miss the hint (I have the distractible kind of adhd and I can get stuck in a thinking track) and later be mortified when my brain caught up.

I know that my brain is doing something odd and I’m genuinely curious to understand what’s going on for those who would struggle to come out and just ask upfront? Because from my perspective it’s equally odd.

Why is it so difficult for neurotypical people to be direct/blunt/clear?

I’m not trying to be goady. And I understand that it’s a very neurotypical trait to assume that everyone thinks exactly the same way, hence how you feel hurt in this situation, whether or not there was intention. But I’m still bamboozled by the need to speak indirectly and in code?

I have adhd and can’t tell you the number of times I have missed the hints. It makes me feel shit after the event when I realise, because someone had told me that the person was expecting me to do something and I haven’t done it

My Dd thinks I have autism as well as I miss subtle hints and then people get angry with me.

Saying you are going to walk means exactly that to me. Asking for me to give you a lift and I wouldn’t have any problems in doing so

I have only just been diagnosed with adhd and I am in my 60s
I really try to pick up the hints but it takes my brain time to process it all and by the time it does the moment has passed

LovePoppy · 17/04/2022 13:57

@Alondra

No wonder good friendships means nothing these days considering some answers. Everyone is out for themselves. Really sad to read
You mean like OP? Slating a friend for not understanding her hint?

I realize that for people who only speak in passive aggressive as “it’s more polite” that this is hard, but seriously y’all need to learn how to communicate to different people

“To be clear is to be kind”. There is nothing rude about asking for what you want

Tee20x · 17/04/2022 13:57

Stuff like this annoys me. She's your friend, you're going away together. You could easily have said ah the weathers shit can you come and get me on your way to the coach station - done and dusted.

Yes she could have offered, but I'm starting to get tired of all of this talking in riddles stuff - why don't people just say what they want instead of speaking in code and then complaining when the other person hasn't adhered to what they didn't even ask them to do.

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