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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend not giving me a lift ...

279 replies

crunchiebut · 17/04/2022 09:57

Last week it was my friends birthday and I organised a night away.
I paid for everything coach /hotel etc as it was her birthday.
The coach was a early 6 am coach.
I live 5 min (if that ) drive from coach station and a 15 min walk away.
I had to leave the house at 5.30 am to walk there and grab a coffee from greggs.
She got a lift from her husband.

That morning I woke up and it was chucking it down and cold.
I tried to get a taxi but no luck.
I text her saying the time I was leaving and that I couldn't get a taxi.
Her response
"Oh no your gonna get soaked,we are leaving soon,see you there"

Aibu to think she could of easily picked me up?
Literally 3-4 mins from town so would only have added less than 10 mins altogether.
I arrived soaked

OP posts:
Sally872 · 17/04/2022 10:49

I would have offered you a lift even before the rain as I would know your husband works shifts and may not be there.

Really thoughtless of friend at any point even more so when part if a generous gift.

I would be hurt and annoyed too. I expect I would make some passive aggressive digs but that is not helpful honest conversation or letting it go are probably best solution. Easier said than done.

bcc89 · 17/04/2022 10:50

@zingally

Next time, use your words.

"Morning X! There's no taxis available and it's pouring! Could you swing over on your way and give me a lift? Cheers!"

I did pretty much exactly this last weekend. A friend text me in the morning, asking if I fancied a walk round a lake about 25 minutes drive away, down the dual carriageway. I said I'd love to come, but could she pick me up and drive? As my car can no longer do longer trips at speed? (I collected a new car on Friday!)

It was probably 3-5 minutes out of her way, but of course she said yes! Long-term friendship is full of give and take, and we've already agreed I'll drive for our next day out in May!

That's fine, but it wasn't the OP's friend driving. It was OP's friend's husband.

OP, you should have just asked in advance, but seeing as you didn't, you should have allowed longer to get a taxi knowing it was so early in the morning. Asking on the morning would have been inappropriate, as I doubt your friend/her husband would have allowed for an extra 10 or 15 min at that time in the morning.

It's amazing how many problems can be resolved by just asking.

AnybodyAnywhere · 17/04/2022 10:51

If you were one of my friends and had done all that for me I would have already arranged to pick you up, regardless of weather or distance.

Blossomtoes · 17/04/2022 10:53

Its like when you say “ have you a pen?” You are not really asking do you possess a pen. Its either another way of saying can I borrow a pen or there is a form you need to complete, have you a pen? = complete the form now.

It’s a very ineffective means of communicating. The answer to “Have you got a pen?” Is often “Yes, thank you”.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 17/04/2022 10:55

It depends. If you are one of those people who never ask and just hint that is super annoying.

I find it is done so you never have to feel grateful - it is always 'they offered' not that you asked and they helped you. The latter has an element of expected gratefulness from you whereas the first doesn't.

If you regularly just drop hints then I am not surprised she ignored them this time!

coffeeisthebest · 17/04/2022 10:55

Someone I know will do stuff like this. She only ever thinks of herself. I am a bit done with her to be honest.

JenniferPlantain · 17/04/2022 10:55

Why didn’t you book a taxi in advance?

And don’t you have an umbrella?

Quackpot · 17/04/2022 10:55

Get some waterproofs bought so if you are in this situation again you won't get soaked.

lemongreentea · 17/04/2022 10:58

I would have sorted out how we were getting to the station a week before and offered you lift if I knew your dh was away.

Is she usually selfish or could it be she didnt want to ask her husband as hes grumpy.

What did she do for your last birthday?

cansu · 17/04/2022 11:00

She either is dense or bloody thoughtless. Of course she should have picked u up. You need to be more assertive. You should have said I can't get a taxi please could you pick me up on your way. Is it related to her husband being an arse maybe??

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 17/04/2022 11:00

I think it's really poor how many people wouldn't offer their friends a lift and would have to be asked. It's not hard to offer whereas some people may feel cheeky asking.

Yutes · 17/04/2022 11:00

I used to have a friend who would always hint for a lift, but never actually ask outright for one.
It’s not up to your friend to make sure you had a lift to the bus station. You should have just asked. She’s not a mind reader. From the message it was clear you had your transport sorted (ie walking).
Don’t let it spoil your fun. But next time just use your words.

RedskyThisNight · 17/04/2022 11:01

Agree with others - you should have asked when you sent the message. She is not a mind reader! Whilst it would have been nice for her to proactively ask, if she's anything like me, she might well not have thought it through as she was still half asleep. Or might have thought you didn't want a lift or you would have asked ...

SallyWD · 17/04/2022 11:02

I think she was just thoughtless. It was very early morning, she was still half asleep, rushing to leave on time. It probably just didn't occur to her. I'm the least assertive person ever but even I would have asked for a lift. Sometimes you have to spell things out - particularly when time is of the essence!

lightisnotwhite · 17/04/2022 11:02

Is the trip something she actually wanted to do?
5.30am is stupidly early for some people. Half asleep and grumpy ( I can’t sleep properly if I need to be up early.Maybe she was being passive aggressive in “ well it’s your fault for booking such early start”

KosherDill · 17/04/2022 11:05

She sounds thoughtless and inconsiderate, OP.

Chely · 17/04/2022 11:06

It would have been her husband playing taxi but yes, she could have asked him to do it. You should have just asked if they minded picking you up, I wouldn't be angry that they didn't offer at that late stage. You could have checked the weather forecast the night before and asked them earlier too.

chopc · 17/04/2022 11:07

The way it's written it comes across as you expected her to give you a life as you had organised and paid for everything.

No, she should have given you a lift anyway

However, some people just don't think and needs things spelling out for them

BungleandGeorge · 17/04/2022 11:07

You didn’t ring until 5.30? She probably didn’t have time I doubt her husband was up. What time did you ring taxis if you needed to leave at 5.30?
I can’t really understand why you didn’t sort it out in advance. Ask for a lift beforehand or book a taxi? Trying to do it at 5.30am just isn’t going to work and it’s not that unpredictable that it might rain on the morning

crepesncream · 17/04/2022 11:07

She should have offered, simple as that. She's getting so much off you for her birthday and yet she'd see you struggle. Some people just aren't deserving of good friends.

Benjispruce4 · 17/04/2022 11:07

Yanbu I’d have organised to go together anyway. I don’t see why you had to pay for her bio trip away anyway, that’s a bit ott. Surely just a present or flowers is enough and if she wants to go away to celebrate either she pays or you all pay your own way.

Cr3ateAUsername · 17/04/2022 11:07

If I was so close with someone I’m paying for trips away for their birthday, I would feel no way in just asking for a lift.

gamerchick · 17/04/2022 11:08

She is either thoughtless or her husband's a bit of a knob. The more normal amongst us would have arranged a lift from the off. Why were you going seperately in the first place? There's no way I wouldn't have picked up a friend husband driving or not. But then my friendship group have no issues asking for a lift or offering apart from one who hints, or says 'how am I going to get there'. She's more irritating like that.

PinkPearlRibbon · 17/04/2022 11:09

Never be so generous again, paying for everything, she wouldn’t go ten minutes out of her way for you.
She isn’t a friend.

RedskyThisNight · 17/04/2022 11:10

@fortifiedwithtea

This kind of thing was covered in a module my Dd studied last year. She is doing a language and linguistic degree, think it was about the only thing I’ve understood about her studies.

Its like when you say “ have you a pen?” You are not really asking do you possess a pen. Its either another way of saying can I borrow a pen or there is a form you need to complete, have you a pen? = complete the form now.

I think most people would understand you were asking for a lift. She chose to ignore it. Is she always so insensitive?

That's not the same example at all though. "Do you have a pen?" can sometimes mean "I'll give you one if you don't have one" and sometimes can just be for information purposes (like I asked my DD if she had a pen before she went to her school revision class). Actually if you do ask someone if they have a pen when you want one yourself, they quite often do just say "yes" and you need to ask a follow up question. or you indicate via mime that you are wanting a pen to fill in a form.

In OP's case she sent a text full of factual information "can't get a taxi". it's not remotely clear whether the subtext is "what a pain, I'll have to walk" or "please can you offer me a lift". If I'd sent OP's text I would not expect or want a lift. Actually I hate people offering lifts when I don't ask for them, as I then have to justify why I'm turning them down. and in this situation, where the OP knew in advance that it would be early and cold and there was a good chance it might rain, any lift sorting should have been done at least the night before.

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