Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suggest a different film for 9yo DD? It started a massive argument

181 replies

HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 08:11

Yesterday morning, my DW suggested we go to the cinema. She loves Harry Potter and there is a new Fantastic Beasts film out.
I have a 9yr old dd, and 12yr old ds, she has a 13yr old ds.
I suggested that dd doesn't like Harry Potter, and that is quite an adult film, she very much likes cartoons and is still nice and sweet and young in that way, and that I take her to see Sonic the Hedgehog at the same time.
This created such a big argument. I was in shock at how big a deal it became. I backed down almost instantly and said sorry, didn't realise it was going to upset you, it's OK, we'll all go to see the fantastic beasts film. She was so upset we didn't go to see anything. It had created too big a drama.

Her main points were:
My double standards as I've taken dd to see star wars in the past and she's not really into that either.
I'm creating a divide in the family.
She said this is child led parenting, and since when did we start doing that. (I've never given any thought to or had any discussions about child led parenting. I don't know the pros and cons) My only answer to that was that we often involve the children in conversations about days out and get them involved.

It was a horrible atmosphere in the house for the rest of the day. DW only spoke to me when she had to, and if I spoke to her, I got 1 word answers back

OP posts:
Hockeyboysmum · 17/04/2022 11:09

I agree many 9 year olds will be bored...its very slow

callingon · 17/04/2022 11:19

Your wife sounds completely unreasonable and I can’t see that you did anything wrong. The Star Wars point would be worth about two minutes of grievance in and of itself. The fact your wife was so upset you don’t go to the cinema at all makes me thing she is very in the wrong - I grew up in a house where this kind of thing would happen and it created a very oppressive atmosphere and I feel like I can put myself in the position of your DD trying to be attentive to what everyone wants. Spoiler: it’s a bit shit.

huuskymam · 17/04/2022 11:23

Have you asked the kids what they would like to see??

Goldenbear · 17/04/2022 12:01

I don't understand posters comments about being uncomfortable because the 9 year old child likes childish things I.e cartoon films. It makes me more uncomfortable when children ar expected to endure films really aimed at teenagers + why would you want to encourage precocious tastes. My DD who is 10 now only really stopped enjoying The Julia Donaldson books when she was 7/8, still liked Peter Rabbit CBeebies cartoon until 6/7 I think far from infatalising it is acting in an age appropriate way and over the years there has been a push more and more to align this with baby tastes, pushing a young child to grow up quicker than in the past. I am early 40s and distinctly remember receiving Beatrix Potter collection and Winnie the pooh books when I was 6 for Christmas. I also was given Sylvanian families toys for presents when I was nearly 10. I know this because I wrote about my gifts in my diary when I was child. I think it makes me more uncomfortable to think we have to accelerate children in to adulthood.

pictish · 17/04/2022 12:05

Your dw is bu. And controlling with it. There is nothing wrong with seeing separate films according to different interests and/or age group. Why is she being such a twat about it?

LuckySantangelo35 · 17/04/2022 12:10

Would you’d DD no longer be “nice and sweet” if she liked Harry Potter?

FairyCakeWings · 17/04/2022 12:15

@gonnascreamsoon

Am I correct in thinking that it was because the new Harry Potter film was showing that your DW even suggested going to the cinema ?

If so, then YOU were being very unreasonable because she suggested going to see a particular movie, and you decided that DD might not like it, so you should all go see an alternative movie. i.e You took it upon yourself to alter the choice, thereby taking away the whole point of going to the cinema as far as your DW was concerned.

Then the DW was being unreasonable and selfish in teh fist place for suggesting they all go and see a film that has an age rating above the youngest child’s age.

She should have asked her DP if s/he thought it would be suitable for the child first.

The MN double standards are showing themselves to be as strong as ever here. A woman posting about a man behaving the way your DW did would get entirely different responses.

Goldenbear · 17/04/2022 12:15

Isn't the OP just using that phrase to describe her child not being ready for the features of this particular 12 rated film. What is wrong with protecting her from those images? There's liking Harry Potter and liking Harry Potter!

Flatandhappy · 17/04/2022 12:17

So you want a 12 and 13 yo to watch a cartoon because your 9yo is “nice and sweet and young”. How boring for them.

Goldenbear · 17/04/2022 12:18

Where has the OP said that I thought she wanted them to watch different films but the DW upset about it?

FairyCakeWings · 17/04/2022 12:21

@Flatandhappy

So you want a 12 and 13 yo to watch a cartoon because your 9yo is “nice and sweet and young”. How boring for them.
The OP doesn’t say that. He wanted to take the 9 year old to see a film she would have enjoyed while the others went to see Fantastic beasts.
MichelleScarn · 17/04/2022 12:43

@Goldenbear

Where has the OP said that I thought she wanted them to watch different films but the DW upset about it?
Nowhere! But because some posters love not actually reading the op, and think that because op is a male that they can twist anything they write into being a dreadful thing!
SummerBluez · 17/04/2022 12:48

@MichelleScarn
Other posters have decided that the OP and DW are a same sex couple despite the OP not even hinting at this.
Apparently they can assume this and it's fine and woke AF but assuming they are a man and women (as majority of married couples are) is unacceptable and offensive to lesbians who may be using MN.
This site GrinConfused

JaninaDuszejko · 17/04/2022 16:32

@HouseofPhotos

Not sure if my OP was clear. I was asking if I was being unreasonable for suggesting a different film.

I thought it was reasonable but my DW did not

Of course it's not unreasonable to suggest a different film. Slightly concerning that you have to ask if it is. I'd agree with you about your DD but even if it was just because you fancied another film that is completely acceptable as well.
Hankunamatata · 17/04/2022 16:40

Why did DW get so annoyed? Would not have bothered me to do different films. I wouldn't have taken my ds9 to see new FB movie as he would much prefer sonic

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2022 16:57

@HouseofPhotos

Not sure if my OP was clear. I was asking if I was being unreasonable for suggesting a different film.

I thought it was reasonable but my DW did not

On is own no

But it clearly relates o Star Wars which you haven’t answered

How that wen down

SoggyPaper · 17/04/2022 17:14

@SScoobiedoo

There is a background issue - does she feel you favour Dd over the others, houbaby her?
My suspicion would he that something like that is the actual issue here.

Certainly, that might be projection from me - because I’ve had experience of a man who favours one of his children over the others (and, obviously, his SC), babies her, allows her to ruin everything for everyone else (including her brother, who is equally her father’s child). He’d have responded with a faux-innocent confused father ‘just trying to think about his child’ act and presented me as the awful villain who is so awful to him.

Do I do find it hard to believe that it was just about this particular Film this morning.

bellac11 · 17/04/2022 17:23

Love the way some posters on here are absolutely gaslighting the OP.

Its either their fault because they have dismissed the wifes tastes, infantilise the daughter, dont spend enough time as family or as a couple, favour the OP's children.

Basically anything other than the wife was completely out of order.

SoggyPaper · 17/04/2022 17:28

@bellac11

Love the way some posters on here are absolutely gaslighting the OP.

Its either their fault because they have dismissed the wifes tastes, infantilise the daughter, dont spend enough time as family or as a couple, favour the OP's children.

Basically anything other than the wife was completely out of order.

Except that it’s entirely possible that she’s been a bit of a dick, but actually this is indicative of a much bigger problem.

The way the OP is worded is quite telling. The language used to describe the 9 year old in particular.

So it might be worth the OP reflecting on what the issue might be and discussing it with the wife.

AelinAshriver · 17/04/2022 17:43

@SummerBluez

I knew people would jump to the vagina owner being in the right

What's a vagina owner?

bellac11 · 17/04/2022 17:54

What about the language used to describe the 9 year old, what are you implying by 'its quite telling'

Meaning what? Whats it telling you?

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2022 18:01

dd doesn't like Harry Potter, and that is quite an adult film, she very much likes cartoons and is still nice and sweet and young in that way
What is telling about this?

AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 18:03

It’s all a bit little girls are made of sugar and spice and all things nice.

Like she can’t be a tomboy. She’s being kept young. Kept babyish.

That’s how it seems to me anyways.

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2022 18:04

Is it the judgy weird thought that she's too old for cartoons part or are you implying sinister thoughts re a parent calling their 9 year old sweet and young?

AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 18:06

I’m not implying any sinister thoughts at all.

I feel she’s being kept babyish and not allowed to just be. She has to be sweet and nice. And girly.

But I most certainly do not mean anything more than that. As I’ve said now more than once