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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suggest a different film for 9yo DD? It started a massive argument

181 replies

HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 08:11

Yesterday morning, my DW suggested we go to the cinema. She loves Harry Potter and there is a new Fantastic Beasts film out.
I have a 9yr old dd, and 12yr old ds, she has a 13yr old ds.
I suggested that dd doesn't like Harry Potter, and that is quite an adult film, she very much likes cartoons and is still nice and sweet and young in that way, and that I take her to see Sonic the Hedgehog at the same time.
This created such a big argument. I was in shock at how big a deal it became. I backed down almost instantly and said sorry, didn't realise it was going to upset you, it's OK, we'll all go to see the fantastic beasts film. She was so upset we didn't go to see anything. It had created too big a drama.

Her main points were:
My double standards as I've taken dd to see star wars in the past and she's not really into that either.
I'm creating a divide in the family.
She said this is child led parenting, and since when did we start doing that. (I've never given any thought to or had any discussions about child led parenting. I don't know the pros and cons) My only answer to that was that we often involve the children in conversations about days out and get them involved.

It was a horrible atmosphere in the house for the rest of the day. DW only spoke to me when she had to, and if I spoke to her, I got 1 word answers back

OP posts:
godmum56 · 17/04/2022 10:07

this has to be the oddest post on MN for weeks!

TwoShades1 · 17/04/2022 10:10

I feel like there might be some back story to this. When I first my dp (he has 2 children, close in age but very different interests). He was very into doing everything together. Which frequently meant people watching movies they didn’t like, going to places they weren’t interested in etc. we recently had a child together and it was like a switch flipped and now he’s all about doing things separately! It’s quite annoying to be left looking after a toddler and one step child as he’s taking the other to something they enjoy. I think it mostly annoys me after years (YEARS!) of every weekend having to be all together whether we all liked what we were doing or not. Now if I want to do something and he/step kids aren’t interested I have to go by myself with the toddler.

Original poster
HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 10:10

Not sure if my OP was clear. I was asking if I was being unreasonable for suggesting a different film.

I thought it was reasonable but my DW did not

OP posts:
Original poster
HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 10:13

@HouseofPhotos

Update

DW just asked DD if she wants to go and see it next weekend. DD said yes.

I did watch the trailer last night with DD to check if it was something she'd like and maybe I was wrong. She wasn't keen.

She did this is front of me. It feels like it was a big middle finger to me
OP posts:
FairyCakeWings · 17/04/2022 10:17

Did she ask your dd before having a conversation with you to clear the air, or even to check that you were happy to have your 9yo watch a 12 film?

That just sounds like she’s being manipulative to get her own way. Your poor dd, what else was she going to say in that situation, knowing that her step mum had just had an almighty tantrum about seeing this film?

Do not allow her to use your dd in arguments like this, it is not ok.

ddl1 · 17/04/2022 10:22

I don't know who is right or wrong about the film; and it seems a rather trivial issue anyway. But unless there are things that you haven't told us, it does sound like a total over-reaction on your DW's part. Are you sure that you didn't come across as attacking her tastes and interests? Does she have a general tendency to fly off the handle about minor issues? What sort of relationship does she generally have with your dd? Is she your dd's mother?

BoredZelda · 17/04/2022 10:23

DW just asked DD if she wants to go and see it next weekend. DD said yes

Of course she did, because when you suggested a different one, it caused an argument.

HRTQueen · 17/04/2022 10:28

I think the op meant by nice and sweet was more child like films. The HP films and once’s that follow are more complex not all children like them (ds didn’t thankfully but absolutely loves SW)

Seemed an over the top reaction it’s a simple solution so all children get to see a film they enjoy

Theunamedcat · 17/04/2022 10:30

I feel sorry for your dd sounds like she is trying to keep the peace

NoSquirrels · 17/04/2022 10:30

@HouseofPhotos

Not sure if my OP was clear. I was asking if I was being unreasonable for suggesting a different film.

I thought it was reasonable but my DW did not

You don’t sound very emotionally intelligent.

It wasn’t unreasonable to suggest a different film.

So the real issue is not the film.

Unless you’re both very literal and rigid thinkers with no underlying emotions.

fortifiedwithtea · 17/04/2022 10:31

SPOILER ALERT

@HouseofPhotos

Your DW massively overacted. In our house we would have taken the divide and conquer approach, those who like Harry Potter see it and those not fussed go watch something else.

In my house I have a 26 year old and a 23 year old. Massive Harry Potter fans. Their review of the film , its a bit dull , its mid way the saga of the Fantastic Beasts. It moved the story along but didn’t resolve much or introduce much new.

This is the spoiler. Near the beginning a baby animal is ceremonially killed, there not much warning and its quite shocking. the reasons for it are revealed later. My 23 year old found that uncomfortable viewing.

Put it this way , my 19 year (SEN) daughter will not be watching.

You know your daughter the best. Can you watch the film on your own this week and decide whether You think its suitable for her?

ddl1 · 17/04/2022 10:35

Ah, I see that she's your dd's stepmother and has a ds. Could there be some rivalries between the children that she's getting involved in?

DropYourSword · 17/04/2022 10:35

[quote SummerBluez]@TweetTweetMF

What are you reading? He literally said his wife wanted to see the HP film, his daughter wasn't interested.

I knew people would jump to the vagina owner being in the rightHmm[/quote]
Same @SummerBluez - I even went back to reread the OP thinking I'd missed something. I hadn't. Some people invent an awful lot of shit that isn't included in the OP's posts!

Thelnebriati · 17/04/2022 10:35

Was it just 'a suggestion'? I'm wondering how much of a deal you made of it to have caused such a huge row.

ImustLearn2Cook · 17/04/2022 10:37

I don’t think it’s healthy for children to be dragged into adult disagreements and then used to prove a point or win the argument.

I think you both need to work on being more respectful to each other and to your dc.

pastypirate · 17/04/2022 10:38

I think adults allowing an argument to escalate to the point where the family plan gets cancelled is really really shit. That must be quite scary for all the children.

HRTQueen · 17/04/2022 10:39

How about the op’s partner was being unreasonable. Attacking her interests Hmm ffs an adult should be able to tolerate their partner not enjoying the same interests without feeling they are being personally attacked

Who gets into such a rage like this over something so trivial (clue many women who are peri menopausal 😆)

gonnascreamsoon · 17/04/2022 10:41

Am I correct in thinking that it was because the new Harry Potter film was showing that your DW even suggested going to the cinema ?

If so, then YOU were being very unreasonable because she suggested going to see a particular movie, and you decided that DD might not like it, so you should all go see an alternative movie. i.e You took it upon yourself to alter the choice, thereby taking away the whole point of going to the cinema as far as your DW was concerned.

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2022 10:45

@gonnascreamsoon

Am I correct in thinking that it was because the new Harry Potter film was showing that your DW even suggested going to the cinema ?

If so, then YOU were being very unreasonable because she suggested going to see a particular movie, and you decided that DD might not like it, so you should all go see an alternative movie. i.e You took it upon yourself to alter the choice, thereby taking away the whole point of going to the cinema as far as your DW was concerned.

That's not what happened? Op suggested op and dd9 went to sonic while dw and older dc went to dw's choice of film. Theres nothing actually to suggest that FB is a family choice, just DWs. Her dc may have preferred sonic too so that may have been the catalyst for the tantrum!
AFS1 · 17/04/2022 10:46

@gonnascreamsoon

Am I correct in thinking that it was because the new Harry Potter film was showing that your DW even suggested going to the cinema ?

If so, then YOU were being very unreasonable because she suggested going to see a particular movie, and you decided that DD might not like it, so you should all go see an alternative movie. i.e You took it upon yourself to alter the choice, thereby taking away the whole point of going to the cinema as far as your DW was concerned.

That’s not what the OP says. OP suggested taking 9 yr old to Sonic at the same time as DW took other kids to Fantastic Beasts.

Don’t see it as an unreasonable suggestion at all. We’ve done the sane with our kids (big age gaps and different interests)

SummerBluez · 17/04/2022 10:47

@gonnascreamsoon

Not what happened in the slightest. Despite all your painstaking bold fontHmm

OatmilkandCookies · 17/04/2022 10:48

@HouseofPhotos

Update

DW just asked DD if she wants to go and see it next weekend. DD said yes.

I did watch the trailer last night with DD to check if it was something she'd like and maybe I was wrong. She wasn't keen.

With this and your latest update, I think you're taking this a bit personally. I think you're both over re-acting a bit and making an outing to the cinema much more dramatic than it needs to be.
Wandamakesporridge · 17/04/2022 10:55

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to decide that a film is too long / violent / upsetting for your child. The FB films are quite dark and if your DD isn’t that bothered I don’t understand why your DW is so keen for her to see it.

We’ve had a trip to the cinema where I took my 9 year old to see one film, and DH took our teenagers to see a different film (we read reviews and decided it was too violent for her), it’s really not a big deal! You can meet afterwards for food / drinks and it’s still a family outing.

Better than having them watch something that upsets them.

Where films are a 12A I will read reviews and make a decision about whether I feel it’s appropriate (IMBD website has useful info on why films have been given different ratings). All my children are different about the things they can / can’t cope with.

I don’t think it’s fair on the DCs to get caught up in the middle of this, so I think you need to have a chat to your DW away from the children about why this was such a big deal that it ended up ruining the whole outing. Explain your reasons calmly why you didn’t want DD to see the film. You need to have an honest discussion with each other about what’s really going on here.

Wandamakesporridge · 17/04/2022 10:57

I think showing the DCs a trailer of a film first is quite sensible actually, I often do this!

Mustreadabook · 17/04/2022 11:03

It’s a 12A, so under 12s can go with an adult. My 10 year olds enjoyed it more than me, but they are HUGE hp fans and have seen the others. I found it a bit long winded and preferred the first one with more magic beasts. I think any 9 year old who hadn’t seen the others and wasn’t a fan would be bored and confused!