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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to suggest a different film for 9yo DD? It started a massive argument

181 replies

HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 08:11

Yesterday morning, my DW suggested we go to the cinema. She loves Harry Potter and there is a new Fantastic Beasts film out.
I have a 9yr old dd, and 12yr old ds, she has a 13yr old ds.
I suggested that dd doesn't like Harry Potter, and that is quite an adult film, she very much likes cartoons and is still nice and sweet and young in that way, and that I take her to see Sonic the Hedgehog at the same time.
This created such a big argument. I was in shock at how big a deal it became. I backed down almost instantly and said sorry, didn't realise it was going to upset you, it's OK, we'll all go to see the fantastic beasts film. She was so upset we didn't go to see anything. It had created too big a drama.

Her main points were:
My double standards as I've taken dd to see star wars in the past and she's not really into that either.
I'm creating a divide in the family.
She said this is child led parenting, and since when did we start doing that. (I've never given any thought to or had any discussions about child led parenting. I don't know the pros and cons) My only answer to that was that we often involve the children in conversations about days out and get them involved.

It was a horrible atmosphere in the house for the rest of the day. DW only spoke to me when she had to, and if I spoke to her, I got 1 word answers back

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 17/04/2022 08:25

There’s something about the way you’ve written it here has got right up my nose. I can’t put my finger on it. That might be just the written word, or it might be something in how it came across in real life too

What????? You're on a whole different level of projecting!

SummerBluez · 17/04/2022 08:25

This is a ridiculous thread. If the DW was a DH there is no way in hell that the OP would be advised to speak to her husband and "really listen" to the reasons he was emotionally abusing and manipulating her. The thread would be littered with gaslighting, narcissist and LTB by now. Mumsnet at its best.

notanothertakeaway · 17/04/2022 08:25

Storm in a tea cup

If we agreed to see a film together, and on arriving at cinema, my DH suggested taking one child to see a different film, I wouldn't mind at all, unless it involved hanging around waiting for them. In that case, I might roll my eyes and say he should have spoken up before we left home

AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 08:26

@Sometimeswinning

There’s something about the way you’ve written it here has got right up my nose. I can’t put my finger on it. That might be just the written word, or it might be something in how it came across in real life too

What????? You're on a whole different level of projecting!

It’s this bit

she very much likes cartoons and is still nice and sweet and young in that way

It makes me really uncomfortable.

anotherneutralname · 17/04/2022 08:26

Isn't the HP film a 12 anyway? I have a feeling I looked at it for my ten year old and realised it wasn't suitably rated. Be happy to be wrong as I'd quite like to go Grin

In any case, in an idea, world you two would have planned the outing at home (when seeing two films might have been something you could discuss and agree on) rather than do a last minute change when already at the cinema. Holding onto offence for a long time afterwards isn't great though - is your DW going through something else that has exhausted her, and she maybe just wanted some support where another adult had eyes on all kids?

aprilsunshine777 · 17/04/2022 08:26

@SummerBluez

I never said the OP was a man, but the D"W" is clearly a woman. Stop trying to prove how woke you are, we all know same sex marriage is a thing.
You said the OP was the 'father' in your previous post. And that the OP is the 'vagina owner' so it is safe to say which sex you assumed.
NoSquirrels · 17/04/2022 08:27

@SummerBluez

I never said the OP was a man, but the D"W" is clearly a woman. Stop trying to prove how woke you are, we all know same sex marriage is a thing.
Er, yeah you did! Throughout your posts you refer to OP as ‘he’, ‘father’ etc. And it’s not woke to suggest they’re a same-sex couple - it actually might be quite relevant to the dynamics.
GayParis · 17/04/2022 08:28

I'm with @AchillesPoirot

I don't see what a child liking HP/non-animated movies has to do with their niceness, sweetness or age. It's such an inappropriate comment.

aprilsunshine777 · 17/04/2022 08:29

@NoSquirrels

"it’s not woke to suggest they’re a same-sex couple - it actually might be quite relevant to the dynamics."

Exactly. If this is the case it sounds like it will be quite relevant to the dynamics.

NoSquirrels · 17/04/2022 08:29

@notanothertakeaway

Storm in a tea cup

If we agreed to see a film together, and on arriving at cinema, my DH suggested taking one child to see a different film, I wouldn't mind at all, unless it involved hanging around waiting for them. In that case, I might roll my eyes and say he should have spoken up before we left home

I don’t think they went to the cinema - the OP doesn’t suggest they got there then disappointed the kids.
AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 08:30

@GayParis

I'm with *@AchillesPoirot*

I don't see what a child liking HP/non-animated movies has to do with their niceness, sweetness or age. It's such an inappropriate comment.

Thank you.

I can’t put my finger on it but there’s just something about it that feels off. The girl is being kept infantile and told she’s sweet and nice for liking cartoony younger stuff.

Plus there’s a double standard since the op took her to see Star Wars.

SummerBluez · 17/04/2022 08:30

Well I hope the OP is also a woman because MN is clearly no place for a father to seek support. The posts about the "nice and young and sweet" comment being "uncomfortable and inappropriate" are edging very close to a quite disturbing line. Play dumb if you like but we all know what's being insinuated.

Sometimeswinning · 17/04/2022 08:31

Absolutely. But we know the DW is a woman and people have immediately jumped to side with her. It's interesting.

No they haven't. You have picked out a couple who have. Most have said it was a crazy reaction or argued if the op is a man or woman.

Original poster
HouseofPhotos · 17/04/2022 08:31

@anotherneutralname

Isn't the HP film a 12 anyway? I have a feeling I looked at it for my ten year old and realised it wasn't suitably rated. Be happy to be wrong as I'd quite like to go Grin

In any case, in an idea, world you two would have planned the outing at home (when seeing two films might have been something you could discuss and agree on) rather than do a last minute change when already at the cinema. Holding onto offence for a long time afterwards isn't great though - is your DW going through something else that has exhausted her, and she maybe just wanted some support where another adult had eyes on all kids?

This happened at home, not at the cinema. It was a conversation first thing in the morning about going in the afternoon
OP posts:
Idonea · 17/04/2022 08:31

The new FB film contains scenes of baby animal torture and killing. There's been loads of complaints about it. It's also known to be complete shit, just like the previous two. It's totally unconnected to the Potter books and honestly you did everyone a favour.

Your wife sounds like she's really yelling about something else. Child centric parenting, Christ - that's a nightmare in the making.

NETSRIK · 17/04/2022 08:34

I hate Harry Potter so I'm with the daughter who wanted to see something else.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/04/2022 08:36

Do you always back down instantly then have to tolerate being ignored or snapped at as punishment for having a different opinion? Those aren’t the signs of a decent healthy relationship.

You know your DD best and there’s nothing wrong with doing different activities to suit ages and interests. She sounds like a bully.

What do the children make of her unpleasant behaviour?

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/04/2022 08:37

There must be more to it. I cant believe she would react that much without previous disagreements.

DesignerRecliner · 17/04/2022 08:38

So Star Wars was fine for your DD, but not Fantastic beasts? That does smack of double standards TBH

AchillesPoirot · 17/04/2022 08:38

I’m not suggesting anything other than rampant sexism towards the DD by the way. That and a double standard re Star Wars. I assumed the op is a woman.

CarmenThePanda · 17/04/2022 08:39

SummerBluez; I don’t care what sex someone is* , if someone blows up in an uncharacteristic way and then remains in a bad mood all day I would advise the partner to do what I would do: find out what the hell is going on.

That isn’t the same as acquiescing or accepting the behaviour, but what are your options? Have a stand up row in front of the kids, meekly mutter ‘oh sorry, of course you are right’, LTB. Or talk about what is going on.

  • As in whatever the sex of the partner I would suggest talking it through. I think it is presumptive to assume that someone with a DW is necessarily a man, and the sort of assumption that doesn’t make MN great for lesbians.
Pumperthepumper · 17/04/2022 08:39

What’s the point of going to the cinema as a family and then all going to see different films?

maddening · 17/04/2022 08:40

Yanbu imo, fantastic beasts is not a stand alone film, your dd is not in to them and would have needed to understand the storyline imo.

TheAverageUser · 17/04/2022 08:44

It sounds like you've hit onto something she's already annoyed about, hence the larger than expected reaction. Something like she thinks you always bend to your own DD needs or you don't join in with all the whole family etc ..

Perhaps she'll talk once she's calmed down but the silent treatment and not going at all is all a bit childish and would annoy me. It means the kids have missed out.

CandyLeBonBon · 17/04/2022 08:48

It sounds like there's a lot to unpack here?

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